Artie Lang's Beer League is a movie that begs to be liked. Sadly, all the begging in the world cannot save this turkey from sickening everyone at the table.
The tale of a woeful men's softball team from New Jersey, Beer League quickly establishes which of the three most common low-budget film categories (good; bad, but good because it's so bad; just plain bad) it falls into. Artie Lang's Beer League was originally to be titled simply Beer League, but, in an obvious attempt to increase box office sales, the producers tagged on its star's name. Clearly, this decision came after the final prints were made, and so the opening credits read Beer League, sans the Howard Stern sidekick's moniker. This glaring error serves as an unmistakable sign of the disaster to come.
Borrowing from Lang's comedic persona as a fat, heavy-drinking everyman, and stealing outright from The Bad News Bears, Beer League fails in almost every area a successful mainstream comedy needs to achieve: unfunny jokes, a hackneyed storyline, and a pedestrian performance from the lead actor.
Lang (who shares screen writing credit), is Artie (no kidding), a 35-year old, unemployed dock worker from northern New Jersey who lives at home with his mother, and spends his free time hitting softballs against his garage, getting drunk, and smoking cigarettes. Despite the cliché of the character, Artie has a vague likability, and the viewer feels moved to give the big lug the benefit of the doubt that he will flesh out. He never does--nor do any of the other characters.
Herein, lies the biggest problem with Beer League: the characters all appear to have the potential to become funny, or, at least sympathetic; but they never come close on either count. It's in the nature of the average viewer to root for the equally average fictional character. We like when we can vicariously soften the sharp edges of reality a bit with a few laughs at our own collective expense. Somehow, Beer League not only misses this sure-thing connection with its audience, it incredibly makes working stiff reality seem even more hopeless.
Cara Buono plays Artie's on and off girlfriend, Linda Salvo, a beautiful but trampy blonde who sleeps with and later falls in love with him, for reasons that cannot be surmised through common sense. Buono's attractiveness commands attention, and while she possesses screen presence and acting ability, she isn't given very much more to do than look the part. Their relationship never develops into the sub-plot that might have been intended, and, moreover, continues the disturbing and unentertaining 21st century trend (the roots of which are traceable through the TV show The King of Queens and further back to The Honeymooners) of creating romantic couplings of gorgeous women with overweight ne'er-do-wells. Jackie Gleason had the personal vitality to make it work--Artie Lang doesn't.
Even a bachelor party for Artie's friend, Maz (Ralph "The Karate Kid" Macchio), can't elicit more than minimal snickers, and most of those are reserved for porn star Keisha, playing a female entertainer who fires ping-pong balls from her, uh, anatomy, that Artie and others attempt to hit with a bat. F-U-N.
Macchio turns in a respectable performance, as does the rest of the cast, though they are given precious little funny to do. During one drama-building attempt gone awry, a drunken Artie misses Maz's wedding, where he is to be the best man. Maz is peeved, Artie apologizes, and nothing more comes of it (other than Maz's wife later referring to Artie with what, I assume, is supposed to be stock "New Jersey colorful language").
More might have been made of the missed wedding had the writers not decided at to inexplicably kill off of the single funny character in the movie.
Veteran actor Seymour Cassel as Dirt, the team's pitcher and patriarchal leader, steals the first half of the movie with an effectively crusty, sarcastic performance. Dirt has most of the worthwhile lines, which are in short supply. In a strange irony, Cassel's one-dimensional character ends up being the only one with any depth. When Dirt dies, so does the chance for Beer League to acquit itself in any respectable way.
Enter The Bad News Bears as the team of drunken misfits, Artie leading the charge, re-dedicate themselves to winning the season in Dirt's honor. The rest you've seen before, except instead of laughing at Walter Matthau, you are wincing at Artie Lang..
In a supporting role, Jimmy Palumbo portrays teammate Johnny Trinno whose running joke is that he performs an out loud play-by-play about himself and his batting average whenever he steps to the plate. This joke grows stale rapidly, as does the bar and ball field banter where the characters call each other the usual assortment of profane names that movies like this want you to believe is "regular guy talk." Anthony DeSando is Artie's high-school-turned-softball-league-rival, Dennis Mangenelli, who has gone right everywhere Artie has gone wrong. The conflict between the arch-rivals is hackneyed and flat, another opportunity for laughs wasted.
Cameos by Frank Pelligrino, Louis Lombardi (The Sopranos), Laurie Metcalf, as Artie's mom, and comedian Jim Breuer, as an insulting boardwalk vendor, suggest that Lang has charitable friends.
Instead of spending your ten dollars on Artie Lang's Beer League, go treat yourself to some actual beer.