Carrie: It's not that hard, uhm... when he speaks to you count to three in your head before you answer him.
Heather: Don't show any interest. Don't even look at him too much.
Carrie: Yeah yeah. You got it?
Carrie: I said you got it?
Kate: I was counting to three!
Beth: Not that slowly! We don't what him to think you're retarded!
John Tucker: So you're lab partners with Kate, right? We talk. What's her deal?
Scott: Yeah, I don't know. I don't think she's your type.
John Tucker: Girl is my type.
Scott: Alright, well then maybe you're not her type. She's into stuff like old school Elvis Costello, she listens to obscure podcasts, she reads Dave Eggers. You know, she's deep, man.
John Tucker: Dude, I'm deep. I'm dating the poetry club.
Heather: So I talked to John. He was sweet. He felt bad for you. He said that you were jealous because we share something special. Something that we don't have to label because...
Beth: [interrupting] Because it's our unspoken bond and I just love how secure you are?
Carrie: And it hurts me to question it, because...
Heather: Damn! He said the same thing to all of us!
Beth: Figures. He makes up with us and he hooks up with us...
Carrie: [interrupts, whispers] You guys hooked up?
Beth: John and I share something special.
Carrie: Oh what, that they been both in your pants?
Beth: We share a vegan/nonviolent outlook on life.
Heather: [under her breath, coughs] Hippie slut.
Beth: [sarcastic] Oh nice, Heather. It's not like everyone doesn't know that little Miss Cheerleader brings it on.
Carrie: What, you too?
Heather: John and I belong together. He is the team captain and I am the head cheerleader.
Beth: Oh, I'm sorry, what kind of cheerleader?
Carrie: Oh, like he'd take either of you two seriously?
Beth: Do not lump me with her!
Heather: Oh so what, you're now better than me?
Kate: Shut up.
Heather: You got something to say?
Kate: No, it's none of my business.
Kate: Okay, let me guess. Does he always use pet names like "Baby" and "Sweetheart?" Yeah, it's not out of affection, it's so he won't mix up your names. And he's all about an unspoken bond or something special, but never about a relationship. And the whole arrangement was your idea, so you feel guilty that he cheated.
Heather: Oh my God, you're dating John too?
Kate: No, I knew a guy like him... Skip.
Kate: Oh. You're the other Tucker?
Scott: What is that? Is that like "the loser Tucker"?
Kate: Oh, no, no. That's not what I meant. I just... you just don't look...
Scott: Hot, buff, or capable of inciting an all-girl smackdown? No, you're right. Naw, it's-it's cool. I'll let you in on a secret, though. My mom, says I'm special on the inside.
Kate: Good for you.
Kate: John Tucker, there's only one guy out there for me, but you are not him.
Scott: You're perfect Kate... and so far not flammable.
Beth: It's not even my date and he still gets me out of my skirt!
John Tucker: It's always all about me. John! John! John!
John Tucker: It's like lettin' your best friend sleep in a silk hammock. They're breezy. They don't bind. And they give you just enough swing.
Carrie: You should totally wear underwear to school.
Basketball Coach: [sees John in the thong and Coach Williams holding John's ear] What the hell?
Coach Williams: I think this belongs to you, Coach. I found it in my bed.
John Tucker: Coach, make her let go.
Basketball Coach: [to Coach Williams] Let go.
[Coach Williams lets go of John's ear]
Basketball Coach: "Live and let live" is what I say, Tucker. Takes all kinds to build a freeway. But I am not equipped for this kind of weirdness THIS CLOSE TO THE PLAYOFFS!
[spectators laugh and jeer. John is embarrassed. The basketball coach goes back into his room. John turns around and sees Kate]
Kate: I guess it was four instead of three. Sorry.
[John goes back into his room, embarrassed]
Coach Williams: Show's over ladies. Back to your rooms.
[to more spectators]
Coach Williams: Show's over! Back to your rooms.
Beth: For you I don't have to give up all meat...
John Tucker: You don't drink an '82 Bordeaux just because it's sitting on your shelf.
Carrie: You know what, that was no accident!
Heather: He's mine!
Heather: Stay away from him!
Carrie: Oh you little brat!
Beth: [tries to break Carrie and Heather up] Girls, peace and love! C'mon you guys are fighting over -...
Heather: We're fighting over John Tucker, he's mine!
Beth: [throws volleyball at Heather] OH!
Heather: What the hell is your problem?
Beth: I am dating John Tucker.
[Heather throws a volleyball at Beth but Beth ducks, it hits Kate instead. Carrie and Beth slap each other]
Coach Williams: [whistle] ENOUGH! Let's get back in the game.
[Beth pushes Carrie, then Heather pushes Beth. Coach Williams tries to break up the fight. Carrie throws the volleyball that was supposed to get Beth and Heather, but gets Coach Williams instead. The crowd groans]
Carrie: Darn it Coach!
[Heather throws a bag of volleyballs at Beth, but gets Kate in the stomach instead]
Carrie: Just let me get through. Just let me get them
Coach Williams: PUT THOSE BALLS DOWN!
[Heather throws the same bag of volleyballs and hits Beth. Beth in return throws random volleyballs, one hitting Carrie and one hitting Kate. Then Beth rolls the whole cart of volleyballs and it knocks over Carrie, Heather, Kate, and Coach Williams like bowling pins. Beth lunges herself on Heather. Heather, Beth, and Carrie fight on the gym floor]
Kate: [blows Coach Williams' whistle] This guy is cheating on all of you and instead of taking it out on him, you are beating the shit out of each other?
Coach Williams: LANGUAGE!
[Coach Williams gets up, angrily]
Coach Williams: DETENTION! You, you, you, and YOU! Honestly...
[points to Carrie, Beth, Heather, and Kate. Coach Williams leaves the scene disgusted. Even Kate beats a hasty retreat]
Beth: [peeved] Who is that?
Heather: I don't know. Pam Something.
John Tucker: Maybe I come on too strong, but... I don't know who else to be. I just have to put my whole heart into things.
Scott: I'll let you in on a little secret. My mom says I'm special on the inside.
Kate: I don't get it. I mean, these girls all seem so confident and cool. How do they not know that John's cheating on all of them?
Crying Waitress: He's a total operator. He goes out with girls from different cliques so that they never actually talk to each other.
Crying Waitress: And then he tells them that his father won't let him date during basketball season so they'll have to keep it a secret.
Kate: How'd you learn all this stuff?
Crying Waitress: [sobbing] I don't know, just a guess.
[runs away crying]
Coach Williams: [screams at John in her bed wearing a red thong-John screams back and falls off the bed] You...
John Tucker: I'm sorry!
Coach Williams: ...little... MARCH!
[grabs John by the ear and leads him outside the hallway of the hotel. Coach Williams blows her whistle loudly. Many onlookers stare at John wearing that red thong]
Teammate #1: [sees John in that thong] John, what are you wearing?
Tommy: [sees John in that thong] Dude, those are for ladies.
Heather: [Kate answers her door and it's Heather] I want to bring down you know who.
Beth: [Kate answers her door again and it's Beth] Normally, I'm opposed to the slaughter of animals, but in John Tucker's case, I'll make an exception.
Kate: [now in the house] I don't even know him.
Beth: So, you don't even know anyone. You're like the Swiss, you're neutered.
Carrie: Um, it's neutral. Kate, if the three of us tried this alone, we would kill each other. You brought us here. You showed us that we have something in common.
Heather: Exactly. We all want to kill John Tucker.
Kate: Wow. Okay.
Kate: [narrating] I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?
Carrie: She's right. I mean he always making me feel guilty.
Kate: It seems to me that if a guy treats you like that...
Heather: [interrupts] You'd break up with him, blah, blah, blah...
Beth: Even John would have another girlfriend in a second.
Kate: No, I didn't say break up. I'd get even.
[Carrie, Beth, and Heather look at her]
Heather: Who are you?
Beth: I know, you're that girl that wigged out last year and got sent to rehab!
Kate: No, I...
Beth: [interrupts] Then you got taken away from bulimia.
Beth: Fat camp?
Kate: No. My name is...
Detention Teacher: [enters the library, interrupting] Hey, no talking!
Kate: My name is...
Detention Teacher: [interrupts] No talking!
Beth: [refering to Kate's date with John] You mean he was able to be intimate without being... intimate?
Scott: Well, my mom says I'm special on the inside.
Hallway Girl #1: [to John Tucker, showing him her cellphone] Your butt is my screen saver!
Kate: You can't really hum to Cheap Trick.
Kate: [to lori] Remember to lock the door when you sneak out.
Beth: I can't believe I ate meat for him. I mean, it was fish, but still. I don't eat anything with a face.
Kate: So I'm not just some '82 Bordeaux you want to uncork and pork.
Kate: I have to pee.