Brain: Aw, blind orphans get everything!
Igor: Only one thing left to do...
Brain: Ha-ha, he said "do."
Igor: [shouts] Pull the switch!
[Igor's "switch!" echoes several times. Nothing happens. He looks over at Scamper, standing by the switch]
Scamper: Do *not* yell at me.
Igor: Oh, I-I'm sorry. I just... pull the switch?
Igor: Please pull the switch.
Scamper: That's better.
Igor: [voice over] That's Scamper, one of my most successful inventions.
[Scamper drops a giant weight on himself, flattening himself]
Igor: [voice over] I made him immortal, which is kind of a hassle for him, since he doesn't want to live.
Scamper: [fills out again] Will *nothing* end this vicious cycle?
Igor: [voice over] I also made him talk, which is a hassle for me, since he never shuts up.
Eva: As an actor, I feel VERY deeply about everything. And enjoy every minute of it.
Dr. Schadenfreude: [to Igor, about Eva] How do we get this evil bone up and running? Do we kick it? Slap it? Take it to the movies and call it Irene?
Igor: As somebody I loved once said: It's better to be a good nobody, than an evil somebody.
Scamper: [Talking to a blind orphan] Hans, you're wearing this backwards! What are you, blin-? Uh...
Igor: [voice over] That's Brain, one of my other inventions. Legend has it when the smartest man in the world died, they put his brain in a jar... this is not that brain.
Igor: Hi, I'm here about the "Igor Wanted" ad. My name's Igor. Well, of course it is. I have a hunch, what's my name gonna be? Kevin?
Brain: Is French Fries an idea?
Igor: He tricked us into believing that we need to be evil to survive. But we don't! None of us do.
Igor: [voice over] Nice weather we're having, huh? Here in the Kingdom of Malaria, every day's forecast is rainy, with a 100% chance of horror! It wasn't always like this, though. Years ago, Malaria was a sunny land of farmers, until the mysterious storm clouds rolled in, and never left. They killed our crops, and our people became poor. And that's when King Malpert thought up a new way for us to make money: Evil Inventions! The kind that crush you, kill you, bring you back to life, then kill you again way worse! We invent them, and the world pays us not to unleash them. Oh, it's a great gig, especially if you're an evil scientist. Fame, fortune, a rent-free castle in the hills. They get it all! They're the top of the heap!
Dr. Holzwurm: Igor, pull the switch!
Dr. Holzwurm's Igor: Yes, Master.
Igor: [voice over] And the bottom of the heap? Those are the poor schlobs like me, born with a hunch on our back - Igors.
[following Eva's trail to an orphanage, they hear screams from inside]
Igor: Oh, God, she's killing blind orphans! That's so... evil! I mean, which is great! But... *blind orphans*?
Igor: [looks at his beginning invention] I know, right? And she's not even done, yet!
Scamper: [after escaping a trap and about to set Igor and Brain free also] What? Like this is the first time I've gnawed my own feet off?
Eva: We haven't met. Hi, I'm Eva.
Eva: You're upset. I know... 'who's the strange woman living with Igor?' But, I assure you, Igor and I are just friends. As his girlfriend, you have *nothing* to worry about.
Heidi: I'm not hees geerlfriend.
Eva: You're not? But the way he looks at you... he never looks at me that way.
Heidi: Maybe... some men like vomen, who don't look like zey vere put togezer in ze junkyard.
Heidi: You have a very ugly face.
Igor: I always wanted to be an evil scientist. Unfortunately the hunch on my back was a one-way ticket to Igor School. I majored in Talking With A Slur and graduated with a Yes Masters Degree.
[Scamper drinks a whole bottle of poison, twitches, and falls over, then...]
Scamper: Dang it. Still here.
Dr. Glickenstein: Now to take the old cow for a test drive!
Igor: No, Master! The rocket is going to...!
[the rocket explodes, scattering pieces of Glickenstein everywhere]
Igor: Uh, yeah, that.
Scamper: Finally! Now I can throw out that rug in the foyer, that thing is hideous.
[off their looks]
Scamper: We were all thinking it, I just said it.
King Malbert: [after the sun comes out, and Eva stored to her good-natured self] WAIT, WHAT'S HAPPENING!
Igor: The end of Malaria's evil role in the world.
Carl Cristall: Camera 2.
[camera focuses on Igor]
Igor: Oh, uhh, oh, excellent, uh, thank you uhh... For generations King Malbert has kept us, in the dark. By creating the clouds, with a weather ray. HE LIED TO US! WE TRUSTED HIM, AND HE LIED TO US! He tricked us into thinking we needed to be evil, TO SURVIVE! BUT WE DON'T, none us do.
[audience boo at King Malbert]
King Malbert: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! HE HAS NO PROOF, WHERE'S HIS PROOF, I DEMAND TO SEE PROOF!