Juno MacGuff: I'm just like losing my faith with humanity.
Mac MacGuff: Can you can narrow that down for me?
Juno MacGuff: I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff: You mean like couples?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, like people in love.
Mac MacGuff: Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno MacGuff: Dad, no!
Mac MacGuff: Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
Juno MacGuff: Please stop.
Mac MacGuff: [persisting] Tore up from the floor up?
Juno MacGuff: That's not what it's about. I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
Mac MacGuff: Well, it's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
Mac MacGuff: Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Juno MacGuff: Yeah. And I think I've found that person.
Mac MacGuff: Yeah sure you have - your old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love you and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in... Obviously.
[nods to her belly]
Juno MacGuff: Dad, I think I'm just going to, like, shove out for a sec, but I won't be home late.
Mac MacGuff: Ok. You were talking about me right?
Juno MacGuff: I'm just gonna go ahead an nip this thing in the bud. Cuz you know, they say pregnancy often leads to, you know... an infant
Su-Chin: I'm having a little trouble concentrating.
Juno MacGuff: Oh well I could sell you some of my Adderall if you want.
Su-Chin: No thanks I'm off pills.
Juno MacGuff: That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who like had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blah I am a Kracken from the sea!"
Su-Chin: I heard that was you.
Juno MacGuff: Well, it was good seeing ya Su-Chin.
Juno MacGuff: Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."
Juno MacGuff: I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.
Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: I'm at suicide risk.
Juno MacGuff: No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants...
Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.
Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
Juno MacGuff: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
Leah: Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno MacGuff: I'm Pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff: You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno MacGuff: I, uh...
Mac MacGuff: Who is the kid?
Juno MacGuff: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren: Nails, really?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah!
Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff: What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?
Juno MacGuff: Yea, you just take Soupy-Sales to prom I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? Cause all those things, would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You're being really immature... You have no reason to be mad at me, I mean, you know, you broke MY heart. I should be royally ticked off at you. I should be really cheesed off, I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.
Juno MacGuff: What? Cause I got bored and had sex with you and I didn't want to like marry you?
Paulie Bleeker: Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and then 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'
Juno MacGuff: You just take Katrina the douchepacker to prom. I'm sure you two will have like a real bitchin' time.
Paulie Bleeker: Well, I still have your underwear!
Rollo: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
Juno MacGuff: I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.
Juno MacGuff: I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.
Juno MacGuff: Ow, ow, fuckity-ow! Bren, when do I get that spinal tap thing?
Bren: It's called a spinal block. And you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
Juno MacGuff: You mean I have to wait for it to get worse? Why can't they just give it to me now?
Bren: Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream...
[Juno lets out painful scream, Brenda checks her watch]
Bren: Hey, can we get my kid the damn spinal tap already?
Paulie Bleeker: You seem to be getting pregnanter these days.
Juno MacGuff: You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.
Juno MacGuff: ...and the receptianist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers and was just babbling away about her freaking boyfiends pie balls! Oh an Su-Chin was there and she was like, "Hi babies have fingernails." Fingernails!
Leah: Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?
Ultrasound Technician: Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Juno MacGuff: No!
Leah: Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno MacGuff: No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno MacGuff: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno MacGuff: No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well thank goodness for that!
Bren: What's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno MacGuff: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah: Or, like, stage parents.
Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.
Bren: What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Bren: Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?
Bren: Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.
Juno MacGuff: Bren! You's a dick! I love it!
Juno MacGuff: I named my guitar "Roosevelt"-not Ted, Franklin. You know, the hot one, with polio.
Mac MacGuff: And this, of course, is Juno.
Mark Loring: Like the city in Alaska?
Juno MacGuff: No.
Mark Loring: No? Hon, shall we sit down and get to know one another?
Vanessa Loring: Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice or...
Juno MacGuff: I'll have a Maker's Mark, please. Up.
Mac MacGuff: She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.
Mac MacGuff: Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over your house.
Juno MacGuff: Yeah I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis. It was crazy actually, my step-mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech and we got escorted off the premises.
Juno MacGuff: Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?
Mark Loring: So... Let's talk about how we're going to do this thing.
Juno MacGuff: What do you mean? Don't I just have the thing? Squeeze it on out and hand it over?
Gerta Rauss: Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption...
Mac MacGuff: What do you mean?
Juno MacGuff: Wait... No! I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old school? Like, I have the baby, put it in a basket and send it your way, like, Moses and the reeds?
Mark Loring: Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Gerta Rauss: ...So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?
Juno MacGuff: SSHHIT! YES! Close it up!
Juno MacGuff: No, I heard you. I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome". Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier.
Leah: Okay, well what did you have in mind?
Juno MacGuff: I was thinking more, like, graphic designer... mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.
Juno MacGuff: God, why is everyone always staring at me?
Leah: Well, you are kind of... convex.
Juno MacGuff: Wow, someone's been actually doing her geometry homework for once!
Leah: I don't have a choice. Keith's been grading me really hard lately.
Juno MacGuff: Please do not refer to Mr. Conyers as "Keith," okay? My barf reflex is already heightened these days.
Rollo: Well, well... If it isn't MacGuff the crime dog! Back for another test?
Juno MacGuff: I think the last one was defective. The plus sign looked more like a division sign so I remain unconvinced.
[Rollo pulls the bathroom key out of reach]
Rollo: Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.
Tough Girl: [to Juno] It's really easy to tell. Is your nipples real brown?
Rollo: Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice.
Juno MacGuff: Silencio old man! Look, I just drank my weight in Sunny-D and I gotta go pronto!
Rollo: Well, you know where the lavatory is.
[Juno heads towards the bathroom]
Rollo: [yells] You pay for that pee stick when you're done! Don't think it's yours just cuz ya marked it with your urine!
Vanessa Loring: You think you're really going to do this?
Juno MacGuff: Yea, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.
Vanessa Loring: That's great.
Mark Loring: Keep it in the oven.
Leah: All right, how about this one? 'Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love.'
Juno MacGuff: Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches!
Juno MacGuff: My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
Mark Loring: Zeus' wife?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful but really mean, like Diana Ross.
Juno MacGuff: This is the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen.
Juno MacGuff: [When Mark shows Juno one of his old comic books] "Most Fruitful Yuki"? What is... Oh my god, she's a pregnant superhero!
Mark Loring: Isn't that great? I got it when I was in Japan with my band. She reminds me of you.
Juno MacGuff: Wow, I actually feel like less of a fat dork now.
Mark Loring: Yuki is bad ass, man. You should be proud to be in the same condition.
Juno MacGuff: As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but - I guess normalcy isn't really our style.
Paulie Bleeker: Hey.
Juno MacGuff: Hey.
Paulie Bleeker: Ready?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah.
[both sing and play]
Juno MacGuff: Who's ready for some chromo magnificence?
Girl Lab Partner: Yeah, I have a menstrual headache. So I can't really look at bright lights today.
Guy Lab Partner: Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary and lie down. You never listen!
Girl Lab Partner: No, Josh. Because I don't take orders. Not from you and not from any man.
Guy Lab Partner: You know you've been acting like this ever since I got back from visiting my brother in Mankato... I already told you nothing happened.
Paulie Bleeker: Well I'm going to set up the apparatus. Um, Juno would you like to plug in the Bunsen burner?
Juno MacGuff: It's my pleasure.
Girl Lab Partner: I'm going to the infirmary.
Guy Lab Partner: Good. Call me when you get off the rag!
Girl Lab Partner: Fine! Call me when you learn how to love someone instead of cheat at your brother's college. Just because you had four Smirnoff ices and a bottle of snow peak peach flavored Boones.
Guy Lab Partner: Good, Amanda. I'll be sure to do that. I'll make a note of it!
[Amanda walks away]
Juno MacGuff: ...I've actually heard the the snow peak peach flavor is the best flavor of Boone's.
[Josh nods his head in agreement]
Juno MacGuff: Isn't that... right, bleak?
Vanessa Loring: What are you saying?
Mark Loring: That it feels a little like bad timing.
Vanessa Loring: What would be a good time for you, Mark?
Mark Loring: There's just some things that I still want to do.
Vanessa Loring: Like what? Be a rock star?
Mark Loring: Don't mock me.
Vanessa Loring: I'm just saying that this is - this is something that's never gonna happen. You know -Your shirt is stupid. Grow up. If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain, I'm never gonna be a mother.
Mark Loring: I never said I'd be a good father.
Juno MacGuff: [V.O] Orange Tic-Tacs are Bleeker's one and only vice. When we made out, the day I got pregnant, his mouth tasted really tangy and delicious.
Mac MacGuff: [a very pregnant Juno enters the room] Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug!
Juno MacGuff: Hi, I'm calling to procure a hasty abortion...
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.
Leah: God you're getting huge. How many months has it been now?
Juno MacGuff: Um it's coming up on the eighth. You should see me naked.
Leah: I wish my funbags would get bigger.
Juno MacGuff: Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now and I have to rub this nasty cocoa butter stuff all over myself or my skin could get stretched too far and explode.
Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.
Paulie Bleeker: What should we do?
Juno MacGuff: Well, I should just... I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Because they were talking about in health class how pregnancy... It can often lead to an infant.
Paulie Bleeker: Typically, yeah... Yeah that's what happens when our mothers and teachers get pregnant.
Mark Loring: Why does everyone think yellow is gender neutral? I never knew a guy with a yellow room.
Juno MacGuff: They were Mark and Vanessa Loring. And they were beautiful even in black and white.
Juno MacGuff: It started with a chair.
Juno MacGuff: So, I've been spending a lot of time listening to that weird CD you made me.
Mark Loring: Oh really? What's the verdict?
Juno MacGuff: I sort of like it. I mean, it's cute.
Mark Loring: Cute?
Juno MacGuff: Well, when you're used to the raw power of Iggy and the Stooges, everything else sounds kind of precious by comparison.
Juno MacGuff: [dog barking] Geez, Banana! Shut your freakin' gob!
Juno MacGuff: You should try talking to it. 'Cause, like, supposedly they can hear you even though it's all, like, ten-thousand leagues under the sea.
Juno MacGuff: I need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
Juno MacGuff: It ended with a chair.
Juno MacGuff: I am giving you the gift of life, screaming, pooping life, and you don't even have to be there when it comes out all covered in blood and guts
Su-Chin: [protesting in front of the abortion clinic] All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!
Juno MacGuff: Silencio, Old Man!
Juno MacGuff: The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks eat that shit up.
Juno MacGuff: They just won't admit it, because they're supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah. Who, incidentally, is into teachers.
Mac MacGuff: Whats that thing?
Vanessa Loring: It's a Pilates machine.
Mac MacGuff: What do you make with it?
Vanessa Loring: Oh you don't make anything with it, its for exercise.
Mac MacGuff: Oh. My wife ordered one of those Tony Little Gazelles off the television... I don't know about that guy. He doesn't look right.
Leah: Yum, this pretzel tastes like a freaking DONUT!
Mac MacGuff: You're just a kid. I don't want you to get ripped off by a couple of baby-starved wing-nuts.
Paulie Bleeker: [to Juno] Can we make out now?
Mac MacGuff: And I'm gonna punch that Bleeker kid in the wiener next time I see him.
Bren: Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
Mark Loring: [about the gender of the unborn baby] Well, it can really only go two ways.
Juno MacGuff: That's what you think. I drink tons of booze so you might get one of those scary neuter-babies that's born without junk.
Mark Loring: Junk?
Juno MacGuff: You know... its parts...
Mark Loring: I know what junk is. We definitely want it to have junk.
Juno MacGuff: Well don't worry about it. My step-mom is forcing me to eat really healthy. She won't even let me stand in front of the microwave or eat red M&M's.
Bren: I think that kids get bored and have intercourse.
Leah: [sees Juno kissing Bleeker] You know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!
[Juno shoots the bird at her]
Juno MacGuff: [on the phone with "Women Now"] Hey, yeah, uh, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion. What? - Can you just hold on for a second, I'm on my hamburger phone.
Mark Loring: [about painting the baby's nursery] You could just wait a couple months. It's not like the baby's going to storm in here any second and demand dessert-colored walls.
Vanessa Loring: What to Expect says that readying the baby's room is an important process for women. It's called "nesting."
Mark Loring: Nesting, huh? Are you planning to build the crib out of twigs and saliva?
Juno MacGuff: Can I use the facilities? Because being pregnant makes me pee like Seabiscuit!
Leah: But you know, boys have endured worse things for nookie.
Leah: [about Bleeker taking Katrina De Voort to prom] Are you jealous? I thought you said you didn't care what he did.
Juno MacGuff: [defensive] I'm not jealous, and I don't care. I just know he doesn't like Katrina and I don't think he should toy with her emotions like that. She seems so nice and all.
Juno MacGuff: I could so go for like a huge cookie right now, with like, a lamb kabob simultaneously.
Juno MacGuff: Oh and you know what? I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucked... it's just noise.
Juno MacGuff: ...like it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.
Juno MacGuff: Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one that was in the Goonies.
Juno MacGuff: You're quite the sellout, Mark. I mean... what would the Melvins say?
Rollo: You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!
Vijay: I'm gonna stop wearing underwear. Raise my sperm count.
Mark Loring: [to Juno] You are so young.
Mac MacGuff: Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that potato, I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.
Juno MacGuff: [voice over] When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All i see is pork swords.
Juno MacGuff: [leaning up against the wall as she's in labor] OWW! OWW! Fuckity OW!
Mark Loring: [in reference to Juno's stretched out shirt due to pregnancy] Wow! That shirt's workin' hard.
Leah: [to Juno] God, Spermy. Must you always feed?
Juno MacGuff: And Paulie is actually great... in chair.