Jonah: We got pinkeye.
Ben Stone: Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?
Jason: Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.
Jay: Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.
Pete: You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?
Pete: That's awesome!
Jonah: Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?
Martin: No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.
Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.
Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
Ben's Dad: Life doesn't care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.
Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.
Dr. Pellagrino: [after staring at Allison's vagina for the gynecology appointment] Wow, you do look like your sister!
Jack: ...there's gonna be some things that you are going to be able to get, that other people in the office don't get... one of them: Gym membership.
Alison Scott: You want me to lose weight?
Jack: [laughing] No, I don't want you to lose weight!
Jill: No, uh, we can't legally ask you to do that.
Jack: We didn't say lose weight... I might say tighten.
Alison Scott: Tight?
Jill: Just liked toned and smaller.
Jack: Don't make everything smaller, I don't wanna generalize that way... tighter.
Jill: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.
Alison Scott: OK.
Jill: We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20.
Alison Scott: 20.
Jill: And then weigh that much.
Jill: Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah.
Ben Stone: Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!
Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.
Ben Stone: Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool.
Ben Stone: [watching Cheaper by the Dozen after taking mushrooms] This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out.
Doorman: What the fuck is she doing at the club? That's not even good parenting right there. Your old ass should know better than that.
Jonah: I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.
Pete: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.
Ben Stone: I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.
Debbie: OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.
Ben Stone: Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back... the... fuck... off.
Pete: [quoting Back to the Future] Where we're going we don't need roads.
Ben Stone: Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
Jason: You stay here.
Jason: Cause your face looks like a vagina.
Jonah: How's it going Crockett, been hanging with Tubbs lately?
Martin: Come on man, I'm getting it from all angles here, I really don't like it anymore.
Jonah: I know, me either. Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: Yeah, it was really awkward.
Jonah: All right, see you later Scorcese on coke.
Jay: [Makes a roar like Chewbacca from Star Wars]
Martin: What the fuck was that?
Jay: You know, Chewbacca.
Martin: Oh, another beard joke.
Jay: [walks away, embarrassed] Fuck.
Martin: Fucking hilarious!
Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.
Pete: You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.
Fantasy Baseball Guy #1: Hey, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!
Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.
Ben Stone: Fuck you, hormones!
Debbie: [to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
Jason: Well, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.
[during a check-up]
Female Doctor: Oops. That's not your vagina. That's your asshole.
Debbie: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?
Pete: I went to the movies.
Debbie: With who?
Pete: By myself.
Debbie: What'd you see?
Pete: Spider-Man 3.
Debbie: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?
Pete: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.
Debbie: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
[Debbie holds back tears]
Debbie: You're not the only one.
Pete: It's not that big of a deal.
Debbie: I like Spider-Man.
Pete: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
Debbie: I don't want to go see it now.
Debbie: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own.
Pete: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?
Debbie: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.
Pete: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just...
Debbie: No, you're not. You're lying.
Pete: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.
Debbie: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?
Pete: Come on.
Ben Stone: You know, the best thing for a hangover is weed. Do you smoke weed?
Alison Scott: Not really.
Ben Stone: You don't?
Alison Scott: No.
Ben Stone: At all?
Alison Scott: Uh-uh.
Ben Stone: Like... in the morning?
Alison Scott: No... I just... don't.
Ben Stone: It is, like, the best medicine. 'Cause it fixes everything. Jonah broke his elbow once. We just... got high and... it still clicks but, I mean, he's ok.
Alison Scott: I hope your apartment's big enough for the three of us.
Ben Stone: Oh it definitely is. That's why I got one in East LA. The rent, it's HUGE. The only thing is we have to decide if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods before we get there.
Alison Scott: Well, I look good in red.
Ben Stone: I look good in blue... The fighting continues.
Ben Stone: Now that's how you get pink eye.
Ben Stone: I live in your phone!
Martin: Thanks for the free money, Bitch.
Jodi: You must be angry at the baby whenever it steals your food, huh. Ohh that's mine, not yours. But, you know, because you're family you gotta share.
Jodi: [to Allison] You wanna trade boyfriends? Ha. Just kidding. Kind of.
Jonah: I can't believe you didn't fucking wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?
Jason: Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use 'em, man?
Jonah: I can't believe you did this. You fucked everything up.
Jason: The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.
Jonah: Well that's true. Everyone knows that.
Jason: What goes up must come down.
Martin: Fuck me in the beard.
[Ben and Pete are tripping on mushrooms in their hotel room. Ben watches "Cheaper by the Dozen" while Pete arranges chairs]
Ben Stone: This isn't funny. Guy has 12 kids? That's not funny, that's... this is sick. This is a sick movie. That's a lotta responsibility to be joking about, that's not funny. I gotta turn this off, it's freakin' me out.
Pete: There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.
Ben Stone: Holy fuck, what are they all doing in here?
Pete: These are five different types of chairs.
Ben Stone: Get 'em outta here, man. This is too many chairs for one room.
Pete: There's a guy that works for this hotel, his whole job is to find chairs. Look at this one. Look at it, it's gold and red and it's kinda shiny? Shiny thread? Unbelievable. It is beautif - and it feels amazing.
Ben Stone: The tall one's gawking at me, and the short one's being very droll. I don't like them.
Pete: [sits down on the chair] Oh, wow!
Ben Stone: It's weird that chairs even exist when you're not sitting on them.
Pete: [sitting with his feet in the air] I'm up high. I'm really high up.
[Alison's friends see she's pregnant]
Ben Stone: You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.
Alison Scott: [discussing her pregnancy with her mother] I don't have to tell them right away, I'm only gonna start to show when I'm like, I don't know, 6 months or something like that.
Alison's Mom: 3 months.
Alison Scott: No way.
Alison's Mom: Fat in the face, jowls, fat ass.
Alison Scott: Debbie didn't get fat.
Alison's Mom: Debbie is a freak of nature.
Debbie: He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh, it's "cummi-"... oh, that's gross!
Jason: She looks really... smart.
Jay: Because your face looks like a vagina.
[sobbing and thinking about the babysitter]
Debbie: She is such a prissy little high school cu... cunt!
Pete: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.
Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.
Ben Stone: [to bartender] You're going to be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderama.
Ben Stone: If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."
Ben Stone: Oh yeah... It's a girl. Buy some pink shit!
Brent: [about Alison's vomiting] You sound like Jabba the Hut dying.
Jonah: She like-a the way your dick taste.
Jason: Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning.
Jill: This is Hollywood. We don't like liars.
Ben Stone: Think they'll take us back?
Pete: Yes. But I don't know why. Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?
Ben Stone: All the time, man. Like, every day. I wonder how you like me.
Pete: How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I mean, she loves me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem, and I can't even accept that?
[Alison says that she isn't going to tell her employers that she is pregnant]
Ben Stone: It is a good plan, until her water breaks all over Robert De Niro's shoes.
[doing a bad Robert De Niro impression]
Ben Stone: "My shoes! Hey, there's all this baby goo on it."
Pete: [doing a much better Robert De Niro impression] These shoes? Hey... on these shoes? Did you puke on my shoes? Did you puke on my shoes?
James Franco: If this is one of those fucking joke shows, then I'm not into it.
Jonah: I'm going to murderball you!
Ben Stone: [Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Oh Hey! What up dawg?
Sadie: Where have you been?
Ben Stone: Around, you know... just kinda doing my thing!
Sadie: Why is everybody so mad at you?
Ben Stone: I don't know are they mad what have they been saying?
Sadie: They've been saying like Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Ben's a prick.
Ben Stone: They said that?
Sadie: A lot!
Ben Stone: That sucks!
Sadie: [intrigued] What does it mean?
Ben Stone: [Ben hesitates] Penis... means penis
[Sadie turns her back and Ben walks in]
Ben Stone: [while tripping on mushrooms] Isn't weird how chairs exist even when you're not sitting on them?
Sadie: I Googled murder.
Ben Stone: That's because Steely Dan Gargles my balls.
[after looking at Ben's website]
Debbie: He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh that's "cu... Oh that's gross!
Ben Stone: You think I'm an inventor? "He created a dick-skin condom, He hollowed out a penis and put it on", what the fuck?
Jason: You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.
Ben Stone: [during earthquake] FUCK ME!
Alison Scott: Is she camera ready ?
Debbie: [on subject of husbands] You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!
Jonah: Hey, Jay, do you use that Canadian leaf tattoo as like a cum target? How many points do you get for hitting the stem? Like a million.
Ben Stone: No, these guys can honk all they want, I ain't going faster than 12. It might take us around three hours to get home, though.
Jay: [to Martin] That's the fun; you're supposed to be tempted into shaving.
Pete: Isn't it weird, though, when you have a kid and all your dreams and hopes just go right out the window?
Jay: [shouts] I wanna get off!
Ben Stone: Well, that was brutal.
[while tripping on mushrooms]
Ben Stone: [sadly] I shoulda read the baby books.
Pete: Why didn't you read the baby books?
Ben Stone: 'Cause then it's real, you know?
Pete: Dude, it's real whether or not you read those books, that baby's comin'.
[he moves to another chair]
Pete: Oh, man.
Ben Stone: Think they'll take us back?
Pete: Yes. But I don't know why. Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?
Ben Stone: All the time, man, like every day. I wonder how YOU like me.
Pete: How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I m - she LOVES me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem, and I can't even accept that - like, that upsets me?
Ben Stone: What?
Pete: She's the one. She loves me.
Ben Stone: You can't believe people love you? We love you, man! Debbie loves you!
Pete: I don't think I can accept her love. There's something wrong with me.
Ben Stone: You can't accept love?
Pete: [choking up] I don't know what it is.
Ben Stone: Love, the most beautiful, shiny, warming thing in the world? You can't accept it?
Pete: I have to go to this other chair.
Pete: Oh, this is a better energy.
Ben Stone: You can't accept pure love? You can't accept Debbie? She's chosen to give you her life. She's picked you as her life partner! But you play fantasy baseball because you can't accept her love?
[he belches and groans]
Ben Stone: I could accept it, man!
[Pete grimaces and sticks his hand in his mouth]
Ben Stone: And Debbie's amazing, man. She's cool, and she's funny, and she smells good, and she's nice, and her hair always looks different... she's too good for you, man.
[Pete takes his hand out of his mouth and stares at it in amazement]
Pete: Tastes like a rainbow.
Ben Stone: You're disgusting, you're an urchin. And she busts your balls 'cause you're a little bitch! You're a filthy bitch, and I'd bust your balls!
[Pete puts his hand back in his mouth and groans]
Ben Stone: [miserably] Debbie wants to give her life to you, and Alison doesn't want to do that with me, and it makes me sad all day. I wanna go home.
Pete: [muffled by his fingers] I wanna go home too.
Alison Scott: Just do it!
Jay: I got to get off! I got to get off! Got to get off! Got to get off!