- [Homestar sees Bubs floating in midair, a few inches above the ground]
- Homestar Runner: Oh man, that is so fake. Seriously. You can totally see the strings!
- [Strong Bad sings the song for The Cheat's day on his fake Scandinavian I.D]
- Strong Bad: [singing] Sweet, sweet The Cheat, today is the day on your fake I.D. Now, get upstairs - unh! - and fix me some breakfast.
- [Strong Bad is working part-time at Bubs' Concession Stand, but is running late for work. Bubs catches him]
- Bubs: Late again, Strong Bad! I'm not running a country club, you know.
- Strong Bad: But Mr. Bubs, I was just...
- Bubs: Wastin' time with that email show of yours again? That mess'll *never* get you anywhere!
- Strong Bad: Yes, it will! You'll see! I'm gonna be big one day. I'm gonna be a famous email checker!
- Bubs: And I'm gonna be two times two. Now put on your uniform and get to work!
- Strong Bad: You're gonna be WHAT?
- Strong Bad: [describing his week] On Tuesdays, I check my snail mail.
- [Strong Bad is seen walking up to a mailbox]
- Strong Bad: [singing] I got a snail mail in my pocket, and I think it's starting to melt.
- [He takes out a letter from the mailbox and reads it]
- Strong Bad: [reading letter] "Dear Mr. Bad, This constitutes your final warning. Please remit payment of three dollars and sixty-two cents or you will be turned over to a "cut-off-your-toes"-style collections' agency. Swarthily, Bubs' Concession Stand."
- [He finishes reading]
- Strong Bad: [sarcastically scared] Oh, no, final warning? Is there nothing I can do to dissuade you? Like maybe give you a ride in my BMW?
- [He takes out a cigarette lighter with the BMW logo on it and uses it to burn the letter. He then laughs triumphantly]
- Strong Bad: [looking around] Um... where's my house?
- [Strong Sad is talking to Strong Mad]
- Strong Sad: Oh, I disagree! I think it's more than just a matter of simple economics. In fact, I'd say...
- [as radio personality, the Deathly Pallor]
- Strong Sad: Oh, yeah! What's the phrase that pays that plays for days? It's numbitty-nine-oh-two, "The Sturge." Don't you touch that...
- [quickly]
- Strong Sad: ...blabittablough!
- Strong Mad: [confused] Blabittablough?
- [Stinkoman is kneeling on the ground next to a hole]
- Stinkoman: Oh man, those first 400 bites of dirt were not so good. Maybe the next one will be better.
- [Stinkoman sticks his hand in the hole where it makes an audible clanging sound against an unseen object]
- Stinkoman: WHAT is this? Some sort of a challenge buried in the GROUND?
- [Stinkoman snatches a red and white capsule out of the hole. It opens with a "froosh" sound effect and a cassette tape is revealed]
- Stinkoman: Lookie here! A power crunch!
- [He grabs the tape and eats it]
- Stinkoman: It tastes like a number one jam!
- [Stinkoman suddenly stands and bulks up, making the cliché powering-up sound]
- E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear STRONG bad, you are extremely awesome...
- Strong Bad: [stops reading] This, I know.
- [resumes reading]
- E-mail: ...but how are you going to be soooo awesome if you'rre...
- [sic]
- E-mail: ... dead? why not make a time capsule of stuff filled with stuff about you to be opened in at least X0 years. please answer this, sam concord california
- Strong Bad: [typing response] Rest assured, Shim-Sham Sam, my time capsule would reign supreme. Like your hot single Mom is gonna wanna date my time capsule. So, the key to a good time capsule is it being an actual capsule. None of these shoe boxes or tennis ball cans. No. Those things are called time boxes and time tennis ball cans. Those are different and lame and differently lame. And they always get dug up in about 4 days. And they're filled with uncool stuff like those leaf rubbin's and current newspaper clippin's and... toenail snippin's? Anybody? Anyways, I'm talking about a f'real capsule. Y'know, like a big old headache medicine. So, what kinda cool stuff should I put in there? I guess I'd throw in a cassette tape with one of my #1 jams on it. And then in the future it'd be a huge hit and they'd send all the royalties and groupies back in time to me right...
- [mumbles for a second]
- Strong Bad: ... Now!
- [the doorbell rings]
- Strong Bad: Holy gosh! It worked! I'm the meanest genius!
- [but to his disappointment, it's only Homestar]
- Homestar Runner: [to Strong Bad, but ignoring him; talking quietly] I want my own cartoon, Strong Bad.
- Strong Bad: What? I'm over here!
- Homestar Runner: [still quietly] Oh.
- [He faces Strong Bad]
- Homestar Runner: I want my own cartoon, Pom Pom.
- Strong Bad: Homestar, a cartoon starring you would be horrible. It'd just be you saying "Sewiously" all the time and acting like a moron... all the time.
- Homestar Runner: No, no. Not no more. I got a new catchphrase.
- Strong Bad: No.
- Homestar Runner: You wanna hear it?
- Strong Bad: No!
- Homestar Runner: I'd be all the time sayin' "That's bupkis!"
- [whispering]
- Homestar Runner: Oh, sorry. "That's bupkis!"
- Strong Bad: What're ya whispering for?
- Homestar Runner: [whisepring] Because Baby Strong Sad is *sleeping*.
- Strong Bad: Now you see this disgusting little chit-chat we're having here? THIS is what your cartoon would be like.
- [Strong Bad is giving a free motivational lecture to Coach Z and Strong Mad]
- Strong Bad: You gots to look *inside* yourself! Positate the negative! When life throws pies at ya, you make yourself a tall, cool glass of piemonade.
- Coach Z: I'm a new man!
- Strong Mad: I'm the hump!
- [During the audio commentary for "montage"]
- Matt Chapman: Listen...
- Strong Bad: Actress Marzipan...
- Matt Chapman: And we've got Marzipan right here with us!
- [Mike says something indecipherable]
- Marzipan: Yeah!
- Matt Chapman: He called you an actress. Isn't that nice?
- Marzipan: Yeah!
- Matt Chapman: Seems like usually he calls you something worse than that.
- Marzipan: Yeah!
- [Mike and Matt both laugh]
- Mike Chapman: You're doing a good job acting right now, saying the word "yeah" over and over again.
- Marzipan: Thank you.
- Matt Chapman: Oh, thank you. A new word.
- [Strong Bad shows a dream sequence in which he is about to check the email of his dreams, or his "dreamail". He boots up his latest computer, the Lappy 486, and it talks to him in a female voice]
- Lappy 486: Good morning, Strong Bad. You're looking prooty hot. You have one unread messages.
- Strong Bad: Well, thank you, Lappy. You're looking prooty hot too. On screen!
- E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Mssr. Eleganté, you left your pocketwatch in the hot tub. When will you be back to retrieve it? -128 Hot Katies
- Strong Bad: [typing] "My Katies 1-128, Good to hear from all y'all, especially you, Katie 80. When my raucous schedule permits, I will triumphantly/abundantly return to the chateau for my ruby-encrusted pocketwatch. I have plans tonight, however, but I will, furthermore, heretofore, be back on morrow next. Please tell Adelaide that the poached eggs were tremendous. Forever Young, Chester Eleganté"
- [Strong Bad sends the email; after which the Lappy talks to him again]
- Lappy 486: Well played, Strong Bad. Those ladies are sure to be all up ons.
- [Strong Bad is asked through email by a person named Kyle if he has ever had a car and if it's pimped out]
- Strong Bad: Oh, good one Kyle. Like I don't get two jillion of these emails every two jillion seconds. Er. Wait. Would that be so bad? Hmmm. I'll have to ask Gron Sad about that later on. Maybe write in to "Popular Science" about it. "Popular Science." No such thing, man. More like, "Nerdular Nerdence."
- [Strong Bad receives an email on secret recipes that the email senders, Melissa and Hillary of NJ, would like to try. Strong Bad thinks "NJ" is for Nigeria, not New Jersey]
- Strong Bad: [typing response] Well Mellie, Hillarious, being from Africa I'm sure you guys are used to eating, like, exotic fruits and nectars and, um, lions, so our recipes may seem a bit uncouth. Uncouth. Can something be just plain couth? I bet freakin' Strong Sad is plain couth.
- [Strong Bad is asked via email why the King of Town has always had a poopsmith]
- Strong Bad: The King of Town's just always had a Poopsmith. Even way back when they got their start as an old syndicated newspaper comic. You know, back when comics didn't seem to need jokes or humor or readers under the age of ninety-one.
- [Homestar has recently had a nervous breakdown because Strong Bad received an email asking why Homestar doesn't wear pants, even though apparently he wears long pants]
- Homestar Runner: [crying] Long pants!
- Marzipan: Awww, there, there, Homestar. It's not so bad. Everyone thinks I'm a broom.
- Homestar Runner: [surprised and upset] You're not a broom?
- [Strong Bad discovers Homestar wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes pants]
- Strong Bad: Since you're here, let's talk about your pants... or your lack thereof, Daisy Dukes aside.
- Homestar Runner: What are you talking about, Strong Bad? I wear long pants.
- Strong Bad: Um, no, from what I can tell, you wear no pants and have blue soles glued to the bottoms of your feet.
- Homestar Runner: [shocked] Well, that's simply not true. I have long pants, I wear long pants. I'm a long pants man, long pants, long pants!
- Strong Bad: Okay, calm down. I didn't mean to...
- Homestar Runner: [convulsing on Strong Bad] Long pants, Strong Bad! The longest pants! Everybody, everybody! Longest pants! Long, long, long, long, long, long pants!
- Strong Bad: Ah, that's it! We need to get you some serious clown care, man.
- Homestar Runner: [clearly upset] But I was told long pants! Long pants! They said long pants! Always long pants!
- [He leans in toward Strong Bad]
- Homestar Runner: Long, my pants! Gleaming pants! Glorious pants!
- [after a beat, Homestar zips away, leaving his pants behind]
- singer: Stave it off, 1, 2, 3, and now you can count to three!
- Homsar: That's a real popular song! Who wants to hear of it 50 times more?
- E-mail: Coolest guy ever - - - Strong Bad...
- [Strong Bad reads the three dashes as "hennas"]
- Strong Bad: [stops reading] Whoa! Three hennas! Must be an important one.
- [He then continues reading]
- E-mail: I've been wondering if you ever thought of making your own television series? Kids everywhere would love you...
- Strong Bad: [seeing the comma where it shouldn't be] Unnecessary comma...
- E-mail: and your awesomeness. Allison, NJ
- Strong Bad: [typing response] Television? Kids? Wait, do you people think I'm intended for children? Like, the littlest, tiniest babies? You know, they watch those shows on public television. I don't think I'm cut out for that sort of sugarjob.
- Strong Bad: Alright, dumb children. Find The Cheat!
- [the Cheat appears behind a box in the background]
- Kids: He's right there! He's over there!
- [continues during the whole scene]
- Strong Bad: Uh, no, he's behind the box. No, he's not even *behind* the box, he's *barely obscured* by the box.
- [getting agitated]
- Strong Bad: Look, The Cheat is behind the freakin' BOX!
- [screaming]
- Strong Bad: HE'S BEHIND THE BOX! I'LL KILL YA! I'LL KILL ALL YOUR DOGS!
- Homestar Runner: Um, I think it was "dot-egg" or "dot-muffin" or somethin'.
- Coach Z: You sure it wasn't "dot-com" or "dot-org"?
- Homestar Runner: No, I'm pretty sure it was "dot-egg".
- Strong Bad: Man, if I had a nickel for every email I get, I would throw them at people in the food court, from that railing, like up above.
- Strong Sad: [rhyming] The quill! The page! Lyric! Rampage! Word up?
- Marzipan: Good style there, Strong Sad! Geoff Chauncer would be would be proud.
- Homsar: Caramel corn for president, please!
- Strong Bad: Ya see Comma, you can still hurt people and their feelings with all manner of different rampages. Until next time, bailiff, I'll be in my chambers. I mean, The Cheat, I'll be in my office... which is this room. So, I'll be right here.
- Strong Bad: Why do you have a shotgun?
- [shaken]
- Strong Bad: What did you do? Where's my compy?
- Bubs: It's in a better place, Strong Bad. Or rather, it's in the same place, but now it's got a big hole through it.
- [Strong Bad now feels more shaken than ever]
- Strong Bad: YOU MURDERER! You killed my brother! I mean, computer!
- Bubs: Look, Strong Bad, my mouth was a broken JPEG. I had no choice.
- Strong Bad: [sobbing] You don't understand! You ALL understand! I mean, don't understand!
- Strong Bad: [reading email closing] "Peace out dawg foo gangsta yo Ryan N."
- [typing response]
- Strong Bad: Did you just call me a dog food gangsta? What's that supposed to mean? Ought I to be offended?
- Strong Bad: [narrating; describing his week] Due to a prior arrest, Thursdays are community service days, so me and the old Cheatasaurus head down to Strong Badia to give the place a firm scrubbing.
- [Strong Bad and The Cheat are seen cleaning up Strong Badia. Strong Bad is vacuuming the ground, while The Cheat scrubs the resident tire with a sponge and a bucket of water]
- Strong Bad: You know what I always say, The Cheat: "Stay smart, vaccuum... dirt."
- The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
- Strong Bad: Don't forget to wash where the sun don't shine.
- [the screen of the Compy 386 reads "429,837 viruses found"]
- Strong Bad: That is not a small number! That is a big number! What am I gonna do?
- [a Flagrant System Error screen appears]
- Strong Bad: [reads off of the screen] Computer over? Virus equals very yes? That's not a good prize!
- [Strong Bad has attempted to blindfold himself, light Pom Pom on fire, and poke him with a pin, but Pom Pom beat him up and Strong Bad is unwilling to admit it. He thinks about how to explain Pom Pom's "death" to his parents]
- Strong Bad: Dear General and Fraulein Pom Pom, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that your son recently exploded in a giant fiery ball that was visible from space. I would also like to add that in no way did he beat any of the everloving snot out of me. Sequentially, Strong Bad.
- [Strong Bad imagines if he had a chance to do over "sisters." He practices seranading Ali and Ali's sister]
- Strong Bad: Don't you know I got a big ol' red head, and a fat little body, and I never change my clothes! No, I never change my clothes!
- Strong Bad: [reading "Best Wishes, Anonymous Contributor, Gambier, OH"] Best Wishes, Anonymous Contrib-u-tore, Gombyay... hhhough.
- Strong Bad: [typing response] Ugh, poor guy. HEY! Mr. and Mrs. Contributor, way to name your kid! I can only imagine the taunts and jabs the kids on the playground musta come up with.
- [a piece of notebook paper is shown with two drawings on it: one of Strong Bad and the other of what looks like Strong Sad, but with a question mark for a face]
- Strong Bad: [on paper] Hey, Anonymous! Why don't you... um... write a poem or something and not attribute it to yourself!
- [the paper disappears]
- Strong Bad: Or, like...
- [Another notebook paper is shown, also with Strong Bad and Anonymous]
- Strong Bad: [on paper] Yo, Anony, maybe try calling the cops and giving them some valuable information to help solve a crime without revealing your own identity!
- [the paper disappears]
- Strong Bad: Oh, kids can be so cruel.
- Strong Bad: Hey, Bubs, read this sign for me.
- [He holds up a sign, which Bubs looks at]
- Bubs: [reading sign] "Duck A L'Orange".
- Strong Bad: What?
- [Strong Bad looks at the sign. Sure enough, it reads, "Duck A L'Orange". He then pulls out a walkie-talkie]
- Strong Bad: [speaking into walkie-talkie] The Cheat, I thought I told you to make it say "sbu"!
- The Cheat: [the Cheat-type noises on his own walkie-talkie]
- Strong Bad: Oh, you really want some duck a l'orange, huh? You know we can't afford to eat like that. Aren't you a duck anyways?
- The Cheat: [angry The Cheat noises]
- Strong Bad: I don't know. You kinda remind me of a duck.
- Strong Bad: Lemme tell you a thing or two about garage sales: Ya ever get the feeling that the people just got lazy taking the trash out, so they stopped right there on the driveway and started putting price tags on things? I mean, isn't it just a little bit suspicious that there's only a one-letter difference between 'garage sale' and 'garbage sale?'
- [He says "gar-bahge", to rhyme with "garage"]
- Strong Bad: Except, don't ever say 'garbage' like that. That's, like, the only joke Moms have and they can keep it for all I care.
- [Strong Bad and Strong Sad are watching "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'". Strong Bad is enjoying it, but Strong Sad is not]
- Strong Bad: [laughing] So classic.
- Strong Sad: But why are they in space? There's no reason for them to be in space!
- Strong Bad: On the contrary, my dear Fatson, there's EVERY reason for them to be in space.
- Strong Bad: [after reading "Justin Corcoran, MASS"] Aw, I HATE getting these mass emails!
- [He types what he says on the Compy]
- Strong Bad: REMOVE ME! UNSUBSCRIBE! TAKE ME OFFA LIST!
- [the theme song for the short-lived Saturday morning TV show, "Limozeen: "but they're in space!". Heavy metal music plays for the music]
- singer: Remember those guys in that band Limozeen? Well, they turned their tour bus into a space machine! But they're still Limozeen...
- Larry Palaroncini: We're still Limozeen!
- singer: ...but they're in space!
- Larry Palaroncini: But we're in space?
- Teeg Dougland: [to Limozeen] I'm afraid I've got some bad news, boys. You're in space.
- [the song ends on one last chord]
- E-mail: Hey Strong Bad, get Bubs to give out free luncch...
- [sic]
- E-mail: ... specials and I'll show you a hot girl.
- Strong Bad: [stops reading] Hmm, sounds like a solid deal.
- [he resumes reading]
- E-mail: Sincerly...
- [sic]
- E-mail: ... Someone.
- Strong Bad: Aw, I hate it when they don't put a name and when they misspell "sincerely". "Luncch" doesn't bother me so much.
- [He erases "Sincerly, Someone" and replaces it with "Keep on tranglin, Larry Pat"]
- Strong Bad: [typing response] Well Larry, legend has it that Bubs has to give you a free lunch special if you can get him to say his name backwards - minus the first b. "Sbu." You have to get him to say, "Sbu." How hard could that be, right? I mean, I'm saying "sbu" all the time. This'll be a cakewalk. At least a sbu-walk.
- Strong Bad: [whispering] Hey, biggest bro, Mom says to keep it down 'cause Baby Strong Sad's sleeping.
- Strong Mad: [in his usual loud monotone voice] I can be the quietest mouse! I live in the quietest house!
- Homestar Runner: I really got. I really gotta pee. I really got. I really gotta pee pee. I really got. I really gotta pee.
- Homestar Runner, Strong Sad: I really got. I really gotta pee pee. I really got. I really gotta pee. I really got. I really gotta pee pee.
- Strong Bad: That is a disgusting song!
- [Strong Bad and Bubs are performing a three-act play titled "Dreamway Johnny"]
- Bubs: [as Mr. Legarm] Well, look who decided to show up! Fifth time this week, Johnny.
- Strong Bad: [as Johnny] Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Legarm! Honest I am! I just...
- Bubs: You just what? Lost track of time?
- Strong Bad: Yes, sir. Only I wouldn't have to worry about that if I could just get the Johnny-tron working!
- Bubs: You still wastin' time workin' on that time machine, Johnny? That's a pipe dream, son! Your future's here at the shop. Now sweep up! I got customers to tend to.
- Strong Bad: You'll see. Someday. Someday...
- [Strong Bad starts singing to a simple piano melody]
- Strong Bad: When all my dreams come... truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!
- Marzipan: Well, I think it's fantastic, Strong Mad! That's the best stack of VHS tapes I've ever...
- [the Viruses convert Marzipan into a piece of ASCII art that makes loud, synthesized noises]
- Strong Mad: I can't spell you!
- [Strong Mad is turned into his M-shaped yearbook picture and runs off]
- Strong Bad: [describing his week] On Saturday, I certainly don't wake up at 6 AM, put on a Speedo, and go to swim practice. No, no, definitely not Speedo. But I do attend battle axe lessons at the rec center, with my teacher, Dolph Hauldhagen, the instruc-TOR!
- [Strong Bad imagines if Homsar had a childrens' show on public television]
- singer: We'll have an adventure, and several long trips! We'll make some new friends, maybe grab a bite to eat! All 'cause we say...
- Kids: [spoken] Whaddaya know, Haddi-man?
- Homsar: Aaah! I'm a trendy tote bag!
- Strong Bad: [talking about people who frequent garage sales] There is the lurker. You know, that shady night manager at Stuckey's type, who shades around but never buys anything. And you're like, "Is he there just to be seen?"
- [cut to Strong Sad and Senor Cardgage looking the garage sale merchandise. Senor Cardgage is particularly looking at a can of peas]
- Senor Cardgage: [to Strong Sad] Look at this can of peas, Helvetica. Won't you help me buy it for you?
- Strong Sad: I'm finding it hard to express just how uncomfortable I am right now.
- Senor Cardgage: I dan't know why, exprecially since you have this can of peas to look forward to.
- Strong Bad: [coming into the scene; to Strong Sad] Look, if you're not gonna buy anything, you gotta leave. You're drivin' away all my best customers.
- [Senor Cardgage picks up the can of peas and leaves]
- Strong Sad: Ugh, I feel like I need to take a chemical shower after talking to that guy. Do we have an emergency eyewash station?
- Strong Bad: At least he bought something, *lurker*! Go back to Stuckey's.
- Strong Bad: Tonight on Strong Bad Email, comedian Coach Z, actress Marzipan, and some guy from a zoo.
- E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, Why don't you creat a montage? Steve Surf City, NJ
- [Strong Bad says "No Job" instead of "NJ" while reading the email]
- Strong Bad: [typing response; speaking sarcastically] Oh, why don't you creat an alternate reality where you don't have to spell correctly and I talk like this. And your name is Watered Down!
- Strong Bad: [singing] Let's make this moment be the symbol of our lives. We'll pawn your dad's computer and we'll sail to paradise. You're a girl... or maybe a wagon... filled up with pancakes.