Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre (2005)

A tongue-in-cheek, horror-themed adult feature, this movie's title promises 'discerning' viewers some gory stalk 'n' slash to go with their bump 'n' grind. Unfortunately, for most of its running time, Camp Cuddly Pines offers only one type of 'powertool'—and it's pink and fleshy. And as for the spillage of bodily fluids—well, not much of it is red! With scene after scene of hardcore humping, and nary a graphic death in sight, anyone watching this movie WITHOUT the intention of choking their chicken will be extremely disappointed. In fact, to be honest, even for that purpose, Camp Cuddly Pines is pretty uninspiring, with each sex scene pretty much consisting of the same routine: oral, position A, oral, position B, money shot.

The cast—your typical assortment of silicone enhanced bimbos and muscle bound studs—struggle admirably to act in between the frenetic shagging, but to be honest, they're much better at delivering blow-jobs and facials than their lines. Only seasoned porno pro Randy Spears gives anything remotely resembling a decent (non-sexual) performance, and saves the whole mess from being a complete waste of time: his hammy turn as an R. Lee Ermey-style hayseed cop is pretty funny, and his brief tussle with a stuffed raccoon actually made me laugh (and not before time, considering this rubbish is also supposed to be a comedy of sorts).

As a porn film, I rate Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre 6/10; as a slasher/horror, I rate it a miserable 1/10 (splashing some fake blood after cutting away from the victim just isn't enough, I'm afraid); and as a comedy, I give it a rather generous 2 (1 point each for the two R's—Randy and the Raccoon!). Add those scores up, divide by 3, and we get a disappointing average of 3/10.