Matt Foley: Hey you kids are probably saying to yourselves: I'm gonna go out there and grab the world by the tail! and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in my pocket. Well I'm here to tell you that you're probably going to find out, as you go out there, that you're not going to amount to jack squat!
Matt Foley: Hi. How is everybody? Good. Great.
Matt Foley: Now as your father probably told you. My name is Matt Foley and I am a motivational speaker.
Matt Foley: So, let me give you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about.
Matt Foley: First up, I am 35 years old.
Matt Foley: I am divorced and I live in a van down by the river.
Herlihy Boy's Father: Sweet Mother of GOD, What is the Holdup?
Chris Farley: Now you were also in The Purple Rose of Cairo?
Jeff Daniels: Yes I was.
Chris Farley: Remember when you were doing your movie and Mia Farrow was watching and you, um, came down from the screen and talked to her and you were in black and white when you were on screen but then when you talked to her, you were in color.
Jeff Daniels: Yeah what about it?
Chris Farley: You remember that?
Chris Farley: I think we got time for one more question. Remember when you were in the Beatles and you did that album Abbey Road and at the very end of the song, it went: 'And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make'. You remember that?
Paul McCartney: Yes.
Chris Farley: Um, is that true?
Kevin Nealon: And now here with another commentary is update commentary, Bennet Brauer.
Bennet Brauer: That's right, Bennet Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think the suits would have me back perhaps. Thought they'd have my dairy-air replaced by one of tem store mannequin well maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly", I don't "wear clothes that fit me", I'm not a "heartbreaker", I haven't had "sex with a woman", I don't know "how that works", I don't "fall in line", I'm not "hygienic", I don't "wipe properly", I lack "style", I don't have "self-esteem", I have no "charisma", I don't "own a toothbrush", I don't "let my scabs heal", I can't "reach all the parts of my body", when I sleep I sweat profusely. But I guess the powers that be will keep signing my pay check until Jack and Jane K. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to commentators who don't "frighten children", who don't "eat their own dandruff", who don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in high school". Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: Bennet Brauer, ladies and gentlemen.
El Nino: I am El Nino. Yo soy El Nino. For those of you who don't habla espanol, El Nino is Spanish for: The Nino.
Matt Foley: Well I see one solution! And that is to get my gear and move in with you! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! Just me and my buddies!
[Picks up Son]
Matt Foley: I'm gonna get my gear!
Dad: Ym, actually, Matt, you don't have to do that.
Matt Foley: I don't really give a rat's behind. I'm moving in. I'm tired of living in a van down by the river!
Matt Foley: Now from what I hear, you're usng your paper not for writing but for rollin' doobies! You're gonna be doing alot of doobie rolling when you're living in a van down by the river!
Matt Foley: Now you kids are probably saying to yourselves, "Hey Matt, how can we get back on the right track?" And the answer is that I get my gear and move in with you. We're gonna be BUDDIES. We're gonna be PALS. Here's you, there's Matt, here's you, here's Matt...
[Falls on coffee table]
Matt Foley: Young man what do you wanna do with your life?
Son in Matt Foley sketch: Well actually, Matt, I kinda wanna be a writer.
Matt Foley: Well la-de-freakin'-dah! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey, Dad, I can't see too good.
[moves glasses up and down]
Matt Foley: Is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Mom: We're just afraid that pot could lead to other things.
Dad: Crack, ice, boom, pow. But we're your parents. Who wants to hear this stuff from their parents?
Mom: So we've gotten a motivational speaker.
Dad: His name is Matt Foley and he's been down in the basement drinking coffee for the last four hours.
Bob Swerski: Todd was kind enough to show up today even though earlier this week he had yet another heart attack.
Todd O'Connor: That's okay, Bob, this one's just fibrillations. I just gotta limit my pork intake to 400 grams a day.
Carl Molarski: That's tough.
Todd O'Connor: Yeah well the doc says I got a piece of Polish sausage lodged in the lining of my heart.
Matt Foley: I'm 35 years old and I live in a van down by the river!
Bob Swerski: Welcome to Bill Swerski's Super Fans. I'm Bob Swerski sitting in for my brother Bill who is recovering from his most recent heart attack. We're coming to you, as always from Chicago IL, birth place of the Baby Back Rib and home to a certain, undefeated team which come January, will be hosting, hoisting a certain super bowl trophy over it's head. A team that is known as Da Bears!
All: Da Bears!
Chris Farley: One of your films was very controversial, it was The Last Temptation of Christ. Based on the book by um... Nicosca... Nicocassacus.
Martin Scorsese: Nikos Kazantzakis. It was a film about the dual nature of Christ.
Chris Farley: You remember in that one scene when Jesus goes into the temple and the money changers are there. And Jesus starts punching them out, starts dumping them over tables and he just loses it on this one guy?
Martin Scorsese: Yeah, what about it?
Chris Farley: Was that your idea?
Martin Scorsese: No, it's from the New Testament. It's the Bible.
Bennet Brauer: Don't wanna watch commentators who don't "Leave old dried up deodorant cakes under their arms for weeks at a time" and...
Bennet Brauer: [Ropes and hooks pull him upwards]
Bennet Brauer: I'm flying. I'm flying. Holy Schnikies!
[rope gets caught on lighting equipment]
Bennet Brauer: I have a weight problem. *Can't* they lift me?
Chris Farley: You remember when you went to Japan and at the airport they arrested you because you had some pot and it made all the papers and everything?
Paul McCartney: Well to be honest, Chris, I'd kinda like to forget all that.
Chris Farley: Oh.
Chris Farley: Idiot! So stupid! That was a dumb question!
Norman Schwarzkopf: Those Iraqis were lucky I had an army cause if I didn't, I would've been forced to go over there and beat the tar out of every individual who came within my perimeter. And I'll tell you one more thing,
Norman Schwarzkopf: [shouting]
Norman Schwarzkopf: I want Holyfield! I want Holyfield! I've shown you what these guns can do in the Middle East, now I'll show you what they can do in the ring. This summer, Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal. Holyfield vs. Schwarzkopf! It's the war on the shore!
Dennis Miller: [Chris, as Tom Arnold, partially moons the camera] Did I just see the new guy's asshole?