[discussing Nick's plan to form a motorcycle stunt display team]

Ben: It's a fad.

Susan: What if it's not a fad? What if it's a career move?

Ben: Then he'll have a career.

[Nick has just announced his intention to form a motorcycle stunt display team]

Susan: Nick, who, uh, who is in this stunt display team?

Nick: Ah, it's just me so far. Oh, and Spike.

Susan: Not blind Spike?

Nick: I keep telling you, mum, he's not blind. He's partially sighted.

Ben: Nick, how is Spike going to ride a motorbike being, you know, partially sighted and all that?

Nick: No, no, no, no, you see, I'll be doing all the riding. Yeah, Spike just sets fire to the bales of hay, puts paraffin in the milk bottles; you know, technical stuff.

Susan: Oh please, not fire.

Ben: So, so, so, your, your, your team, your, your team consists of you and Spike.

Nick: Don't forget Radar.

Susan: Who's Radar?

Nick: Spike's Alsatian.

[Susan's doing the laundry, emptying the pockets of a pair of Nick's trousers]

Susan: No wonder they call these combat trousers, it's like Apocalypse Now in here.

Ben: You did *what?*

Nick: I saved it up.

Ben: £1,255?

Nick: Think about it, Dad. All those jobs, all with severance pay. Soon adds up.

Susan: I don't think it's very wise to keep it all in cash.

Nick: I don't. I just got it out of the bank yesterday.

Ben: You have a bank account?

Nick: Actually it's an ISA. My money works so I don't have to.

Ben: No, no, no, no, *I* work so you don't have to.

[first lines]

Nurse In Dream: Hello, Mr. Harper. How're you feeling?

Ben: Bloody awful.

Nurse In Dream: Now, now, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. The surgeon will be here in a moment, and then we'll put you under anesthetic. The next thing you know, you'll wake up and you'll be fine.

Ben: Mmm, you could even make major surgery sound pleasant. Wait a minute, I am having major surgery.

Nick: We will see on Saturday.

Ben: Saturday?

Nick: Yup. We've been hired to appear at the Peachborough Rock Festival, right next to the beer tent. Smooth.

Ben: Nick, don't you think that's not going to give you like enough time to practise?

Nick: Ah, I'll just wing it. It's going to be brilliant.

Susan: But, but, but, surely you need some sort of qualification.

Nick: All right, it's going to be completely brilliant.

Susan: What's wrong? You've been tossing and turning all night.

Ben: Oh, dear! I had this... very peculiar dream!

Susan: Sounded more like a nightmare.

Ben: Well, it was quite pleasant, really. The kids were in it... and they all had jobs!

Janey Harper: [Sees Susan doing the laundry] Do you realise there are some of Nick's clothes in there?

Susan: There's some of Nick's clothes. There's some of your clothes. There's some of Michael's clothes. It's like Paris Fashion Week - with skid marks!

Susan: Janey, it's just a waitressing job.

Janey Harper: Yeah, but it's in Soho! You know, while I'm waitressing, I'm going to be discovered by a film director!

Susan: Oh, like Lana Turner.

Janey Harper: Yeah, him! Or Guy Ritchie!

Susan: [Holding a big wad of cash] Look what I found in Nick's pocket!

Ben: G... oh, my God!

Susan: There must be over £1,000 in here! I don't understand!

Ben: Don't you? Don't you think something smells the tiniest bit fishy?

Susan: That's probably Nick's boxer shorts.

Ben: No, no, no! When have you heard 'Nick', 'money' - those two concepts linked without 'dad' and 'can I borrow' attached?

Susan: There's probably an explanation.

Ben: Yep, there probably is. But which one? What, forgery? Baby farming? Or maybe our old friend, international arms trafficking?

Janey Harper: [Sees Ben counting money] £1,255!

Susan: I found it in Nick's pocket.

Janey Harper: Damn! I knew I should have helped you with the laundry!

Susan: What's he going to do with the money?

Ben: I don't think that's any of our business.

Susan: And it isn't. But I'm sure Nick wants to show you that whatever he's doing is perfectly legal and above board.

Ben: No, he doesn't!

Nick: Yes, I do!

Ben: No, he doesn't! You just want to prove your stupid point!

Nick: I'm buying a motorbike!

Susan: My point may be stupid, but it's not as stupid as your point, whatever it is!

[to Nick]

Susan: What did you just say?

Nick: I'm buying a motorbike. Second hand.

Susan: There you are - a perfectly sensible purchase! He can go out, look for jobs, run errands...

Nick: Actually, I'm forming a motorcycle stunt display team!

Susan: What?

Ben: And there was me thinking he was doing something stupid!

Ben: [laughs] Oh, dear! I'm just laughing at the fact of Nick, Spike, a dog and a motorbike taking the entertainment world by storm!

[Susan gives a stern look]

Ben: Well, it tickles me!

Susan: And will it tickle you when our son is lying on a hospital bed?

Ben: Susan, he's not gonna go through with it. He'll probably crash the bike before it gets out the gate.

Susan: And that's supposed to make me feel better?

Ben: Just let Nick make his own mistakes. It's the one thing he's good at.

Susan: Exactly! These are Nick's mistakes - they're bigger and better than other people's!

Susan: Janey, dear. How's the job going?

Janey Harper: Boring.

Susan: Oh, that's a relief!

Janey Harper: You're happy that my job's crap?

Susan: Yes. It's crap and it's safe - just like your father's job.

Janey Harper: Oh, great! Thanks! Why don't I just kill myself now?

Janey Harper: Basically, all I'm doing is serving food to people!

Susan: Isn't that basically what waitressing is?

Janey Harper: Yeah, but they're just people! You know, shopkeepers, office workers - where are the big guns?

Susan: Come on! You didn't expect to be discovered on the first day?

Ben: Wait till your first pay packet. That'll bring a smile back to your face.

Janey Harper: Yeah, it's always money with you, isn't it?

Ben: Yes. Or murder.

Susan: [Trying to stop Nick from doing a motorcycle stunt] Nick, don't do this! You're my only son!

Michael Harper: Hey!

Susan: Apart from Michael! I don't know what I would if anything happened to you!

Ben: I've got a list!

Nick: [about to do a motorcycle stunt] Off I go, everyone! Wish me luck!

Ben: What do you want luck for? Hah! Heh! You're gonna get halfway down the road, realise that Scooby Doo is on and you'll be sitting here watching it on the telly!

Nick: [In hospital, covered in plaster casts] So what time do you get off work?

Ward Sister: Six o'clock.

Nick: Oh, cool. Because I was thinking, you know, maybe dinner and a movie?

Ward Sister: OK. Sounds great. And what are you going to be doing?

Nick: Thought I might get plastered! Or maybe play Doctors and Nurses!

Ward Sister: [laughs] Careful, Nick. I've got a rectal thermometer and I know how to use it!

Nick: Ooh, matron!

Ward Sister: Actually, I'm a ward sister.

Nick: Ooh, matron!

Ben: How the hell did this happen?

Nick: Well, it was all going so well until Spike added a bit too much paraffin to the flaming wall of tyres. I got blinded by the smoke and hit the side of a cow.

Susan: You were jumping a motorbike over a cow?

Nick: Not by design. She was in the next field.

Ben: Oh, I see. So, you hit a cow. Was the cow alright?

Nick: She was bloody brilliant! The crowd went wild!

Ben: You land on your head?

Nick: Oh, I don't know. My mind's gone a complete blank.

Ben: Yeah. Back to normal, then.

Susan: I don't know, Ben. The house seems strange, somehow.

Ben: Yes, it is strange. It's a strange house!

Susan: I hope little Janey's alright out there.

Ben: Little Janey?

Susan: Restaurants can be very dangerous places, you know?

Ben: Can I remind you it was little Janey who once punched a hole through a door because someone used her Donna Karan T-shirt to strain his home brew?

Ben: Susan, relax, will you? Look, please, we do not live in a risk-free world.

Susan: [sighs] I suppose you're right. We can't keep wrapping up our children in cotton wool.

Ben: Rope, maybe!

Janey Harper: Do you mind if I ask you something?

Jim: Sure!

Janey Harper: Have you got any, er... blockbusters in production?

Jim: Eh?

Janey Harper: Well, you know, er... action adventure or maybe romantic comedies?

Jim: Oh, right! 'Paramount'! Very good!

Janey Harper: Sorry?

Steve: We're not the film company, love! We're, er, Paramount Cavity Wall Insulation - unit 6, Duncan Business Park!

Jim: And we want four beers!

Janey Harper: And I want a movie career! I guess we're both stuffed!

Ben: [Seeing Nick in hospital] And then I thought back to when I was your age, and... you know, I just thought 'Come on!', you know? I mean, was a bit reckless, you know? I was a tearaway, got into a few scrapes...

Nick: You?

Ben: Yeah.

Nick: You were my age?

Customer: I don't like your attitude!

Janey Harper: I don't like being told what to do!

Customer: You're a waitress!

Janey Harper: God, did you have to remind me?

Restaurant Manager: Alright, Janey, I'll sort this out.

Janey Harper: Yeah, fat chance!

[laughs at customer, then stops on seeing manager]

Janey Harper: I'm fired, aren't I?

Susan: We thought they weren't going to let you out for a few more days!

Nick: Oh, so did I. But I got thrown out.

Michael Harper: You got thrown out of a hospital?

Nick: It weren't my fault. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Ben: It was an operating theatre, Nick.

Nick: I was hanging out with the guys!

Ben: They were heart surgeons, Nick.

Nick: It's showbusiness, mum! You can't give that up! It's in your blood!

Michael Harper: Like septicaemia!

Ben: Nick, Nick, what's it going to take to persuade you to give up this stunt display crap, eh?

Nick: Erm... how about... a nice big hug and a kiss?

Ben: Seriously.

Nick: I am serious, dad!

[Last lines - Ben is cleaning up his office after it was vandalised]

Susan: Coo-ee!

Ben: What?

Susan: Oh, dear! Sacked another assistant, then?