[Nick has just announced his intention to form a motorcycle stunt display team]
Susan: Nick, who, uh, who is in this stunt display team?
Nick: Ah, it's just me so far. Oh, and Spike.
Susan: Not blind Spike?
Nick: I keep telling you, mum, he's not blind. He's partially sighted.
Ben: Nick, how is Spike going to ride a motorbike being, you know, partially sighted and all that?
Nick: No, no, no, no, you see, I'll be doing all the riding. Yeah, Spike just sets fire to the bales of hay, puts paraffin in the milk bottles; you know, technical stuff.
Susan: Oh please, not fire.
Ben: So, so, so, your, your, your team, your, your team consists of you and Spike.
Nick: Don't forget Radar.
Susan: Who's Radar?
Nick: Spike's Alsatian.
[Susan's doing the laundry, emptying the pockets of a pair of Nick's trousers]
Susan: No wonder they call these combat trousers, it's like Apocalypse Now in here.
Ben: You did *what?*
Nick: I saved it up.
Nick: Think about it, Dad. All those jobs, all with severance pay. Soon adds up.
Susan: I don't think it's very wise to keep it all in cash.
Nick: I don't. I just got it out of the bank yesterday.
Ben: You have a bank account?
Nick: Actually it's an ISA. My money works so I don't have to.
Ben: No, no, no, no, *I* work so you don't have to.
Nurse In Dream: Hello, Mr. Harper. How're you feeling?
Ben: Bloody awful.
Nurse In Dream: Now, now, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. The surgeon will be here in a moment, and then we'll put you under anesthetic. The next thing you know, you'll wake up and you'll be fine.
Ben: Mmm, you could even make major surgery sound pleasant. Wait a minute, I am having major surgery.
Nick: We will see on Saturday.
Nick: Yup. We've been hired to appear at the Peachborough Rock Festival, right next to the beer tent. Smooth.
Ben: Nick, don't you think that's not going to give you like enough time to practise?
Nick: Ah, I'll just wing it. It's going to be brilliant.
Susan: But, but, but, surely you need some sort of qualification.
Nick: All right, it's going to be completely brilliant.
Susan: [Holding a big wad of cash] Look what I found in Nick's pocket!
Ben: G... oh, my God!
Susan: There must be over £1,000 in here! I don't understand!
Ben: Don't you? Don't you think something smells the tiniest bit fishy?
Susan: That's probably Nick's boxer shorts.
Ben: No, no, no! When have you heard 'Nick', 'money' - those two concepts linked without 'dad' and 'can I borrow' attached?
Susan: There's probably an explanation.
Ben: Yep, there probably is. But which one? What, forgery? Baby farming? Or maybe our old friend, international arms trafficking?
Susan: What's he going to do with the money?
Ben: I don't think that's any of our business.
Susan: And it isn't. But I'm sure Nick wants to show you that whatever he's doing is perfectly legal and above board.
Ben: No, he doesn't!
Nick: Yes, I do!
Ben: No, he doesn't! You just want to prove your stupid point!
Nick: I'm buying a motorbike!
Susan: My point may be stupid, but it's not as stupid as your point, whatever it is!
Susan: What did you just say?
Nick: I'm buying a motorbike. Second hand.
Susan: There you are - a perfectly sensible purchase! He can go out, look for jobs, run errands...
Nick: Actually, I'm forming a motorcycle stunt display team!
Ben: And there was me thinking he was doing something stupid!
Ben: [laughs] Oh, dear! I'm just laughing at the fact of Nick, Spike, a dog and a motorbike taking the entertainment world by storm!
[Susan gives a stern look]
Ben: Well, it tickles me!
Susan: And will it tickle you when our son is lying on a hospital bed?
Ben: Susan, he's not gonna go through with it. He'll probably crash the bike before it gets out the gate.
Susan: And that's supposed to make me feel better?
Ben: Just let Nick make his own mistakes. It's the one thing he's good at.
Susan: Exactly! These are Nick's mistakes - they're bigger and better than other people's!
Janey Harper: Basically, all I'm doing is serving food to people!
Susan: Isn't that basically what waitressing is?
Janey Harper: Yeah, but they're just people! You know, shopkeepers, office workers - where are the big guns?
Susan: Come on! You didn't expect to be discovered on the first day?
Ben: Wait till your first pay packet. That'll bring a smile back to your face.
Janey Harper: Yeah, it's always money with you, isn't it?
Ben: Yes. Or murder.
Nick: [In hospital, covered in plaster casts] So what time do you get off work?
Ward Sister: Six o'clock.
Nick: Oh, cool. Because I was thinking, you know, maybe dinner and a movie?
Ward Sister: OK. Sounds great. And what are you going to be doing?
Nick: Thought I might get plastered! Or maybe play Doctors and Nurses!
Ward Sister: [laughs] Careful, Nick. I've got a rectal thermometer and I know how to use it!
Nick: Ooh, matron!
Ward Sister: Actually, I'm a ward sister.
Nick: Ooh, matron!
Ben: How the hell did this happen?
Nick: Well, it was all going so well until Spike added a bit too much paraffin to the flaming wall of tyres. I got blinded by the smoke and hit the side of a cow.
Susan: You were jumping a motorbike over a cow?
Nick: Not by design. She was in the next field.
Ben: Oh, I see. So, you hit a cow. Was the cow alright?
Nick: She was bloody brilliant! The crowd went wild!
Ben: You land on your head?
Nick: Oh, I don't know. My mind's gone a complete blank.
Ben: Yeah. Back to normal, then.
Janey Harper: Do you mind if I ask you something?
Janey Harper: Have you got any, er... blockbusters in production?
Janey Harper: Well, you know, er... action adventure or maybe romantic comedies?
Jim: Oh, right! 'Paramount'! Very good!
Janey Harper: Sorry?
Steve: We're not the film company, love! We're, er, Paramount Cavity Wall Insulation - unit 6, Duncan Business Park!
Jim: And we want four beers!
Janey Harper: And I want a movie career! I guess we're both stuffed!
Customer: I don't like your attitude!
Janey Harper: I don't like being told what to do!
Customer: You're a waitress!
Janey Harper: God, did you have to remind me?
Restaurant Manager: Alright, Janey, I'll sort this out.
Janey Harper: Yeah, fat chance!
[laughs at customer, then stops on seeing manager]
Janey Harper: I'm fired, aren't I?
Susan: We thought they weren't going to let you out for a few more days!
Nick: Oh, so did I. But I got thrown out.
Michael Harper: You got thrown out of a hospital?
Nick: It weren't my fault. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Ben: It was an operating theatre, Nick.
Nick: I was hanging out with the guys!
Ben: They were heart surgeons, Nick.