John Goodman credited as playing...
Dan Conner
- Dan Conner: You want dinner? Fine. I'm fixing dinner!
- Roseanne Conner: Oh but honey you just cooked dinner 3 years ago!
- Roseanne Conner: Hey, who would you have married if you didn't marry me?
- Dan Conner: Rosie!
- Roseanne Conner: ! wanna know.
- Dan Conner: No one.
- Roseanne Conner: Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't. Who? This time, I swear I won't get mad. I know, Beth Winchester.
- Dan Conner: Are you kiddin'?
- Roseanne Conner: Come on, I'm not gonna get mad. I just want you to tell me the truth. I swear I won't get mad. Just tell.
- Dan Conner: Josephine Carter.
- Roseanne Conner: Josephine Carter, that old slut?
- Dan Conner: She had great toes.
- Roseanne Conner: Toes?
- Dan Conner: Yeah, she used to sit there and cross her legs and dangle her shoe off the end of her toe. Drove me crazy.
- Roseanne Conner: So you're gonna marry her for that?
- Dan Conner: Yes Ma'am.
- Roseanne Conner: Well why didn't you?
- Dan Conner: Well, the morning I was gonna propose, I took her over to this little coffee shop, real quiet out-of-the-way place. Then just as I was about to pop the question, she smeared toast crumbs all over her butter. I got up, I left, I didn't even pay the check.
- Dan Conner: I can't stand it when people leave toast crumbs on the butter.
- Roseanne Conner: Well what difference does it make? You're just gonna smear it on your toast.
- Dan Conner: It ain't right. You don't like it when people leave jelly in the peanut butter jar.
- Roseanne Conner: That's sickening.
- Dan Conner: Fixing the sink is a husband's job.
- Roseanne Conner: Well that's fair that that's *all* you have to do and I have to do everything else around here! I go to work and put in 8 hours and then come home and have to put in another 8.
- Dan Conner: You want me to cook dinner? I'll cook dinner!
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah and I'll have to do the dishes all night!
- Dan Conner: Hey, I do the dishes.
- Roseanne Conner: When?
- Dan Conner: Thursday, 6:45 P.M.
- Roseanne Conner: Nineteen-seventy-what?
- Dan Conner: I do plenty to help around here.
- Roseanne Conner: Like what?
- Dan Conner: [pause] Clean the gutters!
- Roseanne Conner: And?
- Dan Conner: [pause] What's the point here, Roseanne?
- Dan Conner: Is there coffee?
- Roseanne Conner: Dan?
- Dan Conner: Yeah?
- Roseanne Conner: Isn't there coffee every morning?
- Dan Conner: Yes
- Roseanne Conner: In the 15 years we've been married has there been one morning where there wasn't any coffee?
- Dan Conner: No
- Roseanne Conner: Then why do you have to ask me every morning if there's coffee?
- Dan Conner: Is there toast?