Neil Dickson: Dr. Ian Matheson

Quotes 

• Dad Matheson : I'm sure it's a cracking good read.

  Dr. Ian Matheson : Academics don't want a cracking good read, Dad. They want dull, stuffy, pompous books.

  Aunt Elsa : And you're just the man to give it to them.

• [discussing Ian's new book] 

  Randi Wallace : Well, I think it sounds fascinating.

  Dr. Ian Matheson : Well, I thank you all for your interest. Randi, you can have the privilege of being the first person to read it... and probably the last.

• [reading the newspaper's account of a grisly murder] 

  Aunt Elsa : "The booksellers watch horrified as the man, dressed as a sea captain, impaled the publisher with a harpoon."

  Julian Matheson : "Then the drooling psychopathic lunatic jumped out the window and plunged screaming to his death below."

  Dr. Ian Matheson : Oh my God.

  Julian Matheson : Lose your appetite?

  Dr. Ian Matheson : Lost my publisher.

• Dr. Ian Matheson : He seemed so centered.

  Miss Radisson : Self-centered, you mean.

• Miss Radisson : I know I'll be a good editor. I thrive under pressure, I'm great with people and I'm steeped in the classics. I've read every word Jackie Collins has ever written.

  Randi Wallace : Oh.

  Dr. Ian Matheson : One of the greats.

• Randi Wallace : Try and understand her.

  Dr. Ian Matheson : I understand her perfectly. She's an axe murderer.

  Randi Wallace : You're not being very constructive.

  Dr. Ian Matheson : Shall I advise her on her backhand?

• Randi Wallace : Hahaha! I told you the delivery company would believe I was his wife. I told you they'd patch me on to him.

  Dr. Ian Matheson : What if he wasn't married? What if he wasn't in the mood?

  Randi Wallace : Come on. What man would deny the urgent plea of a hot-blooded female to meet at a classy hotel and make mad, passionate love?

  [Ian stares at Randi aghast] 

  Randi Wallace : Okay, maybe one.

• Dr. Ian Matheson : You share the taste of the common reader. Maybe you can help me.

  Aunt Elsa : I'll try.

  Dr. Ian Matheson : How would Stephen King say this? "As the interstitial matrices of good and evil tend towards the unity of the ur-Mephistopheles, they transcend the nature of the Faust legend."

  Aunt Elsa : Hmm. Let me think. How about, "Blood dripped from her naked body and spread across the throat; her once lovely features hideously deformed by the rictus of death."

  Dr. Ian Matheson : It's useless.