Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.

Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?

[open his jacket to show off his shirt]

Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".

[laughs]

Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.

Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."

Dr. Hibbert: [Mensa Club is giving a public speech] When are we going to get to my speech?

Comic Book Guy: Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170.

[singing to the Star Trek theme]

Comic Book Guy: I am smart. Much smarter than you. Hibbert!

Professor Frink: You should all do what I do. My IQ is 199 for crying out glaving.

[Accidentally bumps his head]

Professor Frink: 198... 197.

Stephen Hawking: Big deal. My IQ is 280.

Comic Book Guy: [Sarcastically] Yeah. Everyone's *real* happy then.

Lindsey Naegle: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?

Professor Frink: [Looking at the screen of a beeping gadget] Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts!

Comic Book Guy: [Extremely sarcastic] Oh, a sarcasm detector. Oh, that's a *real* useful invention!

[the sarcasm detector starts beeping frantically and then explodes from overload]

Stephen Hawking: I don't know which is a bigger disappointment: my failure to formulate a unified field theory or you.

Principal Skinner: I don't like your tone.

Stephen Hawking: If you're looking for trouble, you found it.

Principal Skinner: Yeah, just try me, you

[gets punched in the face]

krusty the clown: a uninal cake you sir have crossed the line

Homer: [entering Lisa's room] Look, I got runner-up prize!

Lisa: You won second place?

Homer: No, but I got it.

Lisa: Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper?

Homer: Yes, there's a real think piece here about a bra sale.

Principal Skinner: Excuse me, gentlemen. Might I take a peak at your gazebo reservation form?

Lenny: Beat it!

Principal Skinner: [laughs] Yes, well, we each have a good case.

Carl: What part of "beat it" didn't you understand?

Principal Skinner: Hmm, I guess it would be the "it". I'm not exactly sure to what that refers, it's a...

Principal Skinner: [gets hit by a beer can] Aaaho!