The Comebacks (2007)

David Koechner: Lambeau "Coach" Fields

Photos 

Quotes 

• Vince : Hey coach. Name is Vince. I'm just a bartender from Philly whose only dream is to play ball. It's all I got left after I lost my job teaching, and my wife left me. Like my alcoholic father used to say before he passed on, "A man can only take so much failure!" I'll give you everything I got. What do you say coach?

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : I say you can add "Did not make the football team" to your list of woes.

• Michelle Fields : I want to have what you and mom have.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Herpes?

• Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Hey, fellas. Name's Lambeau Fields. Just thought I'd drop by and introduce myself.

  Barber : Oh, we know who you are. We know all about you, and your contract, and your plans for our team.

  Sheriff : We want you to know something, Coach.

  Sheriff : We think that's terrific!

  Salamander : We do!

  Cowboy : Really wonderful!

  Sheriff : But if you should play that first game... and lose...

  Mailman : Aw, heck, there's always another game after that.

  Sheriff : There's so many games in a season!

  Mailman : You play a lot!

  Cowboy : You can't let that discourage you!

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : I can't tell you how relieved that makes me feel.

  Mailman : Well, good. But if you should lose that second game, we'll tie you to a tree and pour pig's blood all over your ass and let the coyotes have at you.

  Barber : Good luck on your first game tomorrow.

• Lambeau "Coach" Fields : ACL Tear!

  Aseel Tare : It's pronounced Aseel, sir. Aseel Tare.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : ACL Tear. Got it.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : It says here you rushed for a thousand yards last season. Keep it up, you could turn pro.

  Aseel Tare : Hope so, Coach.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Nothing can hold you back. Except an unforeseen career-ending injury. What are the odds of that happening, ACL Tear?

  Aseel Tare : It's Aseel, sir. Aseel Tare.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Got it. ACL Tear.

• Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Yeah, this is great. Middle of Podunk, nowhere. How am I gonna find an All-American quarterback?

  God : If you build it, he will come. If you build it, he will come...

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Who will come?

  God : Your father. Your dead father.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : My father's not dead. I just spoke with him this morning.

  God : You got to be shittin' me. Is this 314 Bentley road?

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : No this is 314 Bentley drive.

  God : That damn Google Maps. Anyway, the quarterback you're looking for is on the baseball field.

• Trotter : [Buddy Boy is blocking Trottter's locker]  Out of my way, fat ass. You finally decide to block something and it's my locker?

  Buddy Boy : I was just gonna drop off an invitation to my birthday party. FYI, there's going to be a petting zoo.

  [whimpers] 

  Lance Truman : Nice. Score one for Trotter, which is one more than he had yesterday.

  [throws ball at Trotter, who catches it as team oooohhhs] 

  Trotter : Look, man, why don't you pretend this thing is a football, and just drop it?

  [team ooohhhs louder] 

  Lance Truman : Why don't you act like a barbell and get benched?

  [team cheers] 

  Trotter : Why don't you pretend this whole thing is a basket full of groceries and get sacked?

  [team yells] 

  Buddy Boy : Hey, hey! Why don't you act like my parents, go upstairs and have some makeup sex?

  [team look at each other, confused] 

  Buddy Boy : [big fight occurs] 

  [coach walks in] 

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Hey! Knock it off! Knock it off!

  [Randy winces in pain as Coach repeatedly slams his head into a locker and then kicks him in the ribs] 

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Now, you listen to me. This is a team. And the only way we're going to win is when you start acting like one. And you can sure as hell bet that no one is leaving this locker room until you understand what being a team is all about.

  [walks out slamming door] 

• Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Randy Randinger!

  Randy Randinger : Here, Coach.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Where?

  Randy Randinger : Right here, sir. I'm ready to give it my all. I'll do whatever it takes to make this team. Refill the waters, get fresh towels... Buff everyone's helmet.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Oh. That helmet. I thought you were talking about something else. Good. We got a towel boy.

• Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Let's get something straight, Trotter. I don't like the ego, I don't like the flash, I don't like that... my daughter is coming out of your limo.

• Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Who's that?

  Barb Fields : Who's who?

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : That guy in the bed with you. Right there.

  Barb Fields : Oh... um... I didn't think you'd mind. We-We took in a foreign exchange student.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : He's a foreign exchange student?

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Where are you from?

  Foreign Exchange Student : I'm from, uh... Banging-Your-Wife-Istan.

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Where is that?

  Foreign Exchange Student : It's, uh... It's a little south of, uh, Doing-Barb's-Fine-Ass-Yvania.

• Lambeau Coach Fields : You got a lot of anger, son?

  Jorge Juanson : That's 'cause I'm from somewhere you can't even imagine. The streets.

  Randy Randinger : Dude, you grew up two houses down from me. We lived in the same cul-De-Sac.

  Jorge Juanson : Which is a dead-end street. And no hope of ever getting out. Unless you turn around in this one guy's driveway, and... He didn't like that, so... It became this whole thing.

• Lambeau Coach Fields : I Pod. Hey, there, little buddy. How would you like to call a play, huh, Help us win a championship? What do you say?

  IPod : What do I say? Man, I been waiting all season for you to ask. Dude, I have been humping legs, carrying this... stupid cord all over the damn place, and now, fourth quarter of the last game, you come and ask me for...

  Lambeau Coach Fields : All right, all right! Just call the play, will ya?

• Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Take a knee. Listen up. I've been a loser all my life. I came into this world ass first. I was raised as a girl until my walnuts dropped at age 13. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. That was by accident. I didn't know I was gonna have to pay for it, I thought it was a date. I've destroyed everything I have ever touched. Chased away everyone who has ever loved me. I'm a failure as a husband, a father, a coach, and a human being.

  [Coach Lambeau Fields starts to break down and cry] 

  Randy Randinger : Coach? Isn't this the part where you turn your personal tragedies and shortcomings into a rousing inspirational rally cry?

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Huh? Whoa! That's a great idea! You're a real asset to the team!

  Randy Randinger : Thanks, Coach! Does that mean I can play in the second half?

  Lambeau "Coach" Fields : No! Absolutely not!

• Lambeau "Coach" Fields : Alright. I don't think I have to tell you all the scope of the second half, which is to aim high. And I pledge to all of you that you will be showered by the cheers, and shouts of joy from your fans. It depends on you now. Remember your preparation H, and you can all be champs.