Carol Traynor: [Carol is trying to convince Maude to have an abortion] Mother, I don't understand your hesitancy. When they made it a law you were for it.

Maude Findlay: Of course! I wasn't pregnant then!

Maude Findlay: [after Maude has been hitting herself, yelling and grimacing]

[Carol and Vivian ask what's wrong]

Maude Findlay: Will you two stop hounding me! If there was something wrong don't you think you'd see it in my behavior?

Maude Findlay: [Afraid to admit she's pregnant] Don't look at me Viv.

[Vivian turns away from Maude]

Maude Findlay: Vivian.

[Long pause]

Maude Findlay: I'm pregnant.

Vivian Cavender: You're kidding.

[Maude remains silent]

Vivian Cavender: Aren't you? You're pulling my leg. Maude.

[Maude is still silent]

Vivian Cavender: Maude? Maude, please pull my leg.

Carol Traynor: Look, there's only one sensible way out of this. You don't have to have the baby.

Maude Findlay: Oh? What'll I do... trade it in for a volleyball on Let's Make a Deal?

Vivian Cavender: Maude, you haven't told Walter yet, have you?

[Maude shakes her head]

Vivian Cavender: You think he'll be pleased?

Maude Findlay: Well, let me put it this way Vivian. You know how pleased I am. Walter will be twice as pleased.

Vivian Cavender: Maude. One thing I don't understand about all this. Weren't you using the pill?

Maude Findlay: No. It gives me migraines.

Carol Traynor: What did you do, mother... cross your fingers?

Carol Traynor: [to Arthur] Look, the way things are going, if even older people like my mother and Walter start behaving like rabbits, well we're all gonna end up living like sardines!

Maude Findlay: Beautifully put, Carol. I mean it's not every mother that gets to be called a rabbit.

Carol Traynor: [to Maude] You're just scared.

Maude Findlay: I am NOT scared!

Carol Traynor: [Referring to the abortion process] You are, and it's as simple as going to the dentist.

Maude Findlay: NOW I'm scared!

Carol Traynor: [Discussing abortion] Mother, listen to me. It's a simple operation now, but when you were growing up it was illegal and it was dangerous and it was sinister, and you've never gotten over that. Now you tell me that's not true.

Maude Findlay: It's not true. And you're right. I've never gotten over it.

[Maude enters the house and slams the front door]

Vivian Cavender: [Cheerfully] Hi Maude!

[Maude shoots Vivian a fierce glare]

Carol Traynor: Mother, it's past 8 O'Clock.

Maude Findlay: Carol, I'm proud of you. Only 27 years old and already you tell time.

Maude Findlay: [Preparing to admit she's pregnant] Come into the kitchen, Walter.

Walter Findlay: What's the matter? Did you wreck the car again?

Maude Findlay: Did you hear that everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not Maude are you sick or Maude are you unhappy or even Maude are you pregnant. No, Maude did you wreck the car again.

Walter Findlay: Alright, you're right darling. You're absolutely right and I'm sorry.

[Sitting down]

Walter Findlay: So tell me sweetheart, are you sick?

Maude Findlay: No.

Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy?

Maude Findlay: No.

Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant?

Maude Findlay: [Deadpan] Yes.

[Kisses Walter on the head]

Walter Findlay: [after finding out Maude's pregnant] Maude, we've seen enough movies together. This is the place in the movie where we say we're kidding. You were kidding, right?

Maude Findlay: [Shaking her head] We're not kidding, Walter. The rabbit died.

Walter Findlay: I know how he feels!

Maude Findlay: [Maude hasn't revealed her secret yet] Vivian, you leave me alone at a time like this and I'll rip your heart out.

Carol Traynor: [Maude is scribbling on a piece of paper] Mother, what are you doing?

Maude Findlay: I'm just figuring how many yards of tubing it'll take from the exhaust pipe to the rear window on a '69 Corvair.

Walter Findlay: Maude, did you wreck the car again?

Maude Findlay: Did you hear that, everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not "Maude, are you sick?" Or "Maude, are you unhappy?" Or even, "Maude, are you pregnant?" No, "Maude, did you wreck the car again?"

Walter Findlay: You're right, darling. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. So tell me, are you sick?

Maude Findlay: No.

Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy?

Maude Findlay: No.

Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant?

Maude Findlay: Yes.