Frank Falenczyk: It isn't that I'm sorry I killed them; it's that I'm sorry I killed them badly.

Stef: Look, I know you think you know Frank pretty well, but there's probably a few things you're not gonna wanna hear.

Laurel Pearson: Like that he came back to Buffalo to kill Edward O'Leary so he could stop him and the rest of the Irish from getting into bed with some Chinese sugar daddy and wiping your family off the map? Oh, and he's a really big drunk.

Stef: [pauses] Wow. He's really opening up.

Laurel Pearson: What are you thinking about, sitting there all serious?

Frank Falenczyk: My shortcomings.

Laurel Pearson: Women don't even pay attention to that.

Frank Falenczyk: [Dressing the body of Laurel's uncle] I was thinking he kind of looked like a prick, if you don't mind me saying.

Laurel Pearson: No, no, not at all.

Frank Falenczyk: [Comparing dress show and bowling shoe] Also, he seems to have enormous feet.

Laurel Pearson: Yeah, well, those aren't his shoes. I couldn't find his. Stole those from the Chestnut Lanes. Don't tell my Mom.

Frank Falenczyk: Might have to break his toes.

Laurel Pearson: [With a slight smile] Whatever gets the job done.

Frank Falenczyk: Are you pregnant?

Laurel Pearson: No! Unless you put something in my egg-roll. And then put the egg-roll in my...

Laurel Pearson: Here's to granting others the serenity to change the things you cannot accept.

Tom: And the courage to accept large amounts of change serenely.

Frank Falenczyk: And the wisdom to know the difference.

Frank Falenczyk: Does that mean you're my sponsor?

Tom: Does that mean you're asking?

Frank Falenczyk: Is this the part where we kiss?

Dave: You ball your socks, you floss, and you don't hide booze in the toilet tank.

Dave: [pauses] You live like a Mormon.

Tom: [regarding Frank's admission of his career as a hitman to the Alcoholics Anonymous group] Actually, it went better than you think. It did

Laurel Pearson: How do you know they won't tell the police?

Frank Falenczyk: It's Alcoholics Anonymous.

Tom: Somehow I don't really feel that's what they had in mind when they came up with the name, but you never know.

Frank Falenczyk: I missed dinner last night because I got drunk with little Irish people.

Laurel Pearson: Do I really look like I want to go to fucking Buffalo?

Dave: Remind me to be nice to you... Cock.

Laurel Pearson: [when Frank doesn't show up for a date, Laurel sits watching TV] Douchebag.

[more TV images]

Laurel Pearson: Cocksucker.

[more TV images]

Laurel Pearson: Fuckhead.

Dave: In a town with a ten percent vacancy rate a real estate agent is god, and that's what I am: a real estate agent.

Walter Fitzgerald: You'd refuse a dying man his last request?

Frank Falenczyk: Sorry, you dying?

Walter Fitzgerald: [laughs] For fuck's sake, I'm talking about Patrick. That's what this party's all about, sending him on his way.

Frank Falenczyk: Thank you, really, I can't. I'm working, I... gotta keep an eye on things.

Walter Fitzgerald: [sarcastically] He's not going anywhere.

Tom: [Frank is trying to eat a cookie] No, no, you're not suppose to eat those, they're just for show, 'kay?

Frank Falenczyk: Oh.

[throws away cookie]

Tom: I'm kidding. I'm Tom.

[they shake hands]

Frank Falenczyk: Frank.

Tom: Hi. This your first time?

Frank Falenczyk: I've had cookies before.

Frank Falenczyk: You gonna run and tell mommy?

Dave: That's right, Frank. I'm going to run and tell mommy.

Frank Falenczyk: Shit.