Niko Bellic: War is when the young and stupid are tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other.

Ileyna Faustin: [about Mikhail Faustin] He did not used to be like this. When we were young, at home, he was beautiful. He was happy. He made me happy. But then something changed. Years ago. I never quite knew what it was. So many years I wondered what it was, or what was wrong with me that I did not see it in him, or I changed him.

Niko Bellic: Life is complicated. I... I never thought I'd live like this.

Ileyna Faustin: No?

Niko Bellic: When the war came, I did bad things, but after the war I thought nothing of doing bad things. I killed people, smuggled people, sold people.

Ileyna Faustin: And you don't worry about your soul?

Niko Bellic: After you walk into a village and you see 50 children, all sitting neatly in a row, against a church wall, each with their throats cut and their hands chopped off, you realize that the creature that could do this doesn't have a soul.

Ileyna Faustin: God is very complicated. You mustn't give up hope.

Niko Bellic: Well, I don't know about that.

Gracie Ancelotti: [as Niko kidnaps her] I'll scratch your fuckin' eyes out!

Niko Bellic: Scratch my fuckin' balls, bitch!

[after the end credits]

Niko Bellic: So this is what the dream feels like? This is the victory we longed for.

Elizabeta Torres: Everyone's a rat!

Niko Bellic: Not me.

[from trailer]

Gordon Sargent: So you're in, big guy? Or are we gonna have to kill ya?

Niko Bellic: Well, since you put it that way... I'm in.

Roman Bellic: We are going to die. I don't want to die, man! Not like this!

Niko Bellic: How would you like to die?

Roman Bellic: Having a threesome on my hundredth birthday. I don't fucking know! I'm scared you cold bastard. What are we going to do?

Niko Bellic: I'm not cold.

Roman Bellic: You're cold... all you care about is revenge and getting your own way.

Niko Bellic: And all you care about is money, and gambling it away on the internet. Oh! Isn't America great? I get to sit in front of a computer and play Mr. Rich Man and get into debt with crooks.

Roman Bellic: Okay, I messed up... I know I did. I thought things would be different. I don't understand this place so good. Oh, man. What are we going to do?

Niko Bellic: Stop sitting in front of the computer gambling our money? Stop getting into illegal card games? Stop spending all our money?

Roman Bellic: Yes...

Niko Bellic: Thank you.

Roman Bellic: And stop thinking about the Russians. Man, we just need to disappear as far as they are concerned. Disappear!

Niko Bellic: Okay, okay. But I want Florian and Darko. I need to know what happened. Give me that.

Roman Bellic: Fine. But leave the Russians alone.

Niko Bellic: I suck at life, but I bowl like an angel.

Brucie Kibbutz: Do you wanna learn something, or do you wanna make fun?

Niko Bellic: Make fun.

[Niko drags Vlad's body toward the water. Roman runs over]

Niko Bellic: Eeeh, you're a big boy Vladdy.

Roman Bellic: Niko!

Niko Bellic: Well, I guess this is over.

Roman Bellic: What have you done?

Niko Bellic: What does it look like?

Roman Bellic: We're dead!

Niko Bellic: No, he's dead... we're fine.

Roman Bellic: He has powerful friends... serious people... I told you to be calm you hot headed chump!

Niko Bellic: I am calm. He tried to kill us. He screwed your girlfriend. What do you expect? I give him a massage?

Roman Bellic: Shit! Shit! Shit!

Niko Bellic: When I was in the army... we were going on a mission... to ambush a squad who had killed a lot of innocent people. They were our enemies... but we never did it. There were fifteen of us. All boys from the village. But one of us betrayed the group. It was a setup... for money! Twelve people died, three escaped. I know the traitor was not me... So for ten years I've been searching for the other two. One of them lives here.

Roman Bellic: Why are you telling me this now? Do you always get sentimental after you kill people?

Niko Bellic: You kept asking...

Roman Bellic: Wonderful! You're here on some revenge mission for something that happened ten years ago. And you don't care whose life you ruin on the way?

Niko Bellic: No.

Roman Bellic: Well what?

Niko Bellic: I don't know... I just want to know why they did it.

Roman Bellic: Let's hide the body, at least for a while...

Niko Bellic: Put him in the river...

[Together, they roll his body toward the water. A police siren wails in the distance]

Roman Bellic: Shit. We should get out of here.

Niko Bellic: You go. I'll catch up with you later.

Dimitri Rascalov: You know, if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that we must obey the rules of the game. We can pick the game, Niko Bellic. But we cannot change the rules.

[Niko delivers two dead bodies to a backstreet doctor for organ harvesting]

Doctor: Did they die of natural causes?

Niko Bellic: I suppose... A bullet in the head is as close to natural causes as anything in this city.

Packie McReary: Oh, there he is, Mr. fucking crazy man... you wanna beer?

Niko Bellic: No.

Packie McReary: Good. 'Cause I ain't fucking got none.

Niko Bellic: Very funny. Maybe if being a drunkard doesn't work out you can be a comedian.

Packie McReary: Fuck off... and you, Kate, fuck off outta here.

Kate McReary: But aren't you going to introduce us?

Packie McReary: Sure... this is Niko, some drug dealing de-fuckin'-generate from some armpit in Eastern Europe. That's my ma.

Maureen McReary: Nice to meet you.

Niko Bellic: Hi.

Packie McReary: And this is my sister. Lovely lass. Scared to bits of life. And fucking off outta here right now, before I throw a fuckin' bottle at her.

Maureen McReary: Patrick!

Niko Bellic: Nice to meet you.

Kate McReary: Likewise. See you around. Bye.

[Maureen and Kate leave]

Packie McReary: What a girl! I think she likes you. Word to the wise, though - she don't put out. Which is convenient, 'cause if she did, I'd have to kill you.

Niko Bellic: Understood.

Packie McReary: Good lad. You got any drugs on you, boy?

Niko Bellic: No.

Packie McReary: Shit... well, probably a good thing... we got some business to take care of. Come on.

Niko Bellic: Welcome to America.

Dimitri Rascalov: [in Russian] Fuck you... you dick.

Niko Bellic: Speak English.

Niko Bellic: I'll rip your fucking heart out!

Vlad Glebov: You remember Ivan?

Niko Bellic: No.

Vlad Glebov: [shows picture] This guy.

Niko Bellic: Oh, yes. You guys had a little kiss.

Vlad Glebov: Very funny. What would you see if I told he was going to rob your cousin?

Niko Bellic: I'd say: What problem does he got with my cousin?

Vlad Glebov: [phone rings] Hold on.

[answers phone]

Vlad Glebov: Hey. Hey, gorgeous, no. I can't talk right now. What are you wearing? Listen, I'll you back.

[to Niko]

Vlad Glebov: Sorry.

Niko Bellic: Who was that?

Vlad Glebov: Never you mind.

Niko Bellic: Was it Ivan?

Vlad Glebov: Oh, that's funny. You know, for a damn yokel you're a very funny guy.

Niko Bellic: [laughing] Yes. And for an annoying dick, you're really an annoying dick.

Vlad Glebov: Well, it is a shame then that I am the guy with the powerful friends, and you are the little punk who's only friend is a fat weasel who drives a fucking cab!

Niko Bellic: [when drunk and hailing a cab] Yellow car!

[When Niko crashes his car]

Roman Bellic: You drive like you are drunk.

Roman's Cab Driver: I see you are taking a break from romancing every animal in the zoo to abuse the generosity of your cousin.

Roman's Cab Driver: Get in quickly, you head-dick.

Jimmy Pegorino: The world is a cunt!

Roman Bellic: Niko, you're a bitch!

Dimitri Rascalov: I want to buy you a present.

Niko Bellic: Will you wrap it up and put a pretty bow on it?

Street vendor: [trying to sell burgers] You motherfuckers think you're too good for these?

[from trailer]

Niko Bellic: We're all looking for that special someone.

Niko Bellic: God bless this city!

Packie McReary: What do ya think of Niko, Gracie?

Gracie Ancelotti: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Packie McReary: Gracie, you're sweet.

United Liberty Paper: You think I don't know that? You think I've been sitting around scratching my balls with my head up my ass?

Niko Bellic: I'd be impressed if you had been.

Vlad Glebov: Yokel, fatty Roman's cousin. What's your name again?

Niko Bellic: Big mouth prick.

Vlad Glebov: Very catchy. Sit down. Cousin... Niko... that's it, Niko... not big mouth prick. You a funny guy.

Niko Bellic: I try.

Vlad Glebov: Yes... and this once, I let you take the shit out of me.

Niko Bellic: Take the shit?

Vlad Glebov: Yes, mickey about.

Niko Bellic: I don't understand.

Vlad Glebov: People who fuck with me get fucked with!

Niko Bellic: Okay, fine. Calm down.

Police officer: Either you're schizophrenic or these cards aren't all yours.

[First lines]

Dave Bosoy: Daddy's back, you bitches... Daddy's back, you bitches!

Brucie Kibbutz: Let's put some bitches to the sword, VIP style! YEAH!

Niko Bellic: He's a cool guy...

Roman Bellic: Yeah...

Brucie Kibbutz: Nicky, we gotta get serious.

Niko Bellic: All right man. If you want my advice, the only way you're going to get your balls back to normal is if you stop juicing or get implants.

The Beat 102.7 Imaging Voice: [Imaging for The Beat 102.7] Rappers try to get a career boost...

Gangsta Rapper: Ey yo, what up-

[shot]

The Beat 102.7 Imaging Voice: By getting shot in front of our building.

Female: [after Niko crashes into a car] Finally some action in this town.

Police officer: [During a traffic jam] Get out of the way, 'cause I'm a cop.

Iggy Pop: This town is startin' to make me angry; angry and alone. And broke. Man, it's expensive to live here! Time for some commercials to refill the coffers. I've got a yoga bill like a motherfucker!

Sara: I'm taking that impotent ex of mine for everything he has. My lawyer has found so many holes in the pre-nup it may as well have been written on Swiss cheese.

Niko Bellic: Great. Seems like the marriage was at least profitable.

Sara: I need to get something out of it. It's not like I was being sexually gratified. Impotent loser. Christ, I was spending a grand a month just on vibrators. It was ridiculous.

Mitch the Cop: Heya, Chief.

Francis McReary: Hey Mitch... looking good. Gastric bypass worked out well for you I see...

Mitch the Cop: Yeah thanks. I'll tell my therapist about you... tell her my boss keeps sexually harassing me.

Francis McReary: Oh yeah, you wish.

Niko Bellic: A Mafia controlled waste management plant?

Packie McReary: You fuckin' guessed it. It's an Ancelotti operation. Ray tipped us off about a big payoff they just got. A fat cash payoff.

Michael Keane: Ancelottis, eh? I can't tell none of those wop families apart. Ancelottis, Gambinos, Pecorinos.

Packie McReary: It's the fucking Pegorinos, man. We're workin' for them. Pecorino's a type a cheese. Pegorino is a bunch of guido gangsters outta Alderney.

Niko Bellic: They're all Mafia though?

Packie McReary: Course they are. Cosa Nostra and all that shit. Our family used to be bigger than all them Mafia families put together. Back in the day, that is.

Gordon Sargent: Not this shit again. I heard this speech a million times. The McRearys ran the city. People was scared to say their name let alone come near their place in Purgatory. Life was great. We were in charge.

Packie McReary: It's fucking true. I'd like to hear you tell Gerald that it's a boring story. Me brother wouldn't take too kindly to that now would he? You know that Purgatory is called what it is because people were so scared of the McRearys. Did you know that, Niko?

Gordon Sargent: It's called that because people found the McRearys' stories so fuckin' boring. Listening to them was like being in Purgatory.

Packie McReary: Fuck you, Gordon. I'll fucking come back there and kick your fucking ass in a minute.

Niko Bellic: I hear that Francis McReary is your brother.

Packie McReary: Fucking Frankie, my brother. He may have a badge, but I tell you for a fact he's as crooked as the rest of us McRearys. More so. At least we ain't fucking hypocrites. Kate's the only decent one.

Niko Bellic: I can believe that.

Packie McReary: You know Frankie do ya? I got a story for you if you do.

Gordon Sargent: Another fucking story.

Packie McReary: Shut up, Gordon. So, Niko, when Francis and Gerald was growing up, Frankie becomes an altar boy. He swears to this day that he wanted to serve the Lord. Gerry knows the truth though. He only put on that cassock so he could pocket the change in the collection plate. Fact. That's Francis down to a fucking T. I don't even know if he realizes what a crook he is.

Niko Bellic: That sounds like the Francis McReary I met.

Packie McReary: I bet. Model community leader, my ass.

Gordon Sargent: You're just worried he'll start clamping down on you, ain't ya Packie?

Packie McReary: I'd like to see him try it. Not gonna happen with the things Gerry knows.

[During the bank robbery, Eugene whispers privately with Luis on the floor]

Eugene Reaper: Hey? Yo? I'm a gun club member. I'm gonna take these rookies downtown. Are you with me? Hey, what's your name, son?

Luis Fernando Lopez: Luis... but this ain't such a good idea bro.

Eugene Reaper: Yeah? They said catching that pass at my high school championship football game was a "bad idea" cause I broke my leg in thirteen places. But... I scored a touchdown and won the game. The world is built out of bad ideas, my friend.

[Derrick returns from fitting explosives to the bank vault]

Derrick McReary: [to Niko] Come on. The PE4 has been moulded and is set to explode in sixty seconds. Now listen people, we're your friends. Me and my brother here, we...

Packie McReary: Why're you tellin' them we're brothers, you idiot? That's going to make it hard for them to find us, isn't it?

Derrick McReary: I'm trying to be honest with these people. We've put them through a lot today.

Packie McReary: Fuck these people, fuck your cause. That shit's over. Ireland's not the only thing that's green, dollars are too.

Derrick McReary: Now you've said bloody Ireland, that's gonna narrow the search ain't it?

Packie McReary: Fuck you, take the needle out your arm then tell me what to do.

Derrick McReary: I'll let you tell me what to do, when you stop shoving half of Bolivia up your nose every Saturday night!

Eugene Reaper: Motherfucker!

[gets up and shoots Michael]

Derrick McReary: Fuck!

Packie McReary: We told you not to fuck with us!

[Both Packie and Derrick shoot Eugene]

Packie McReary: Shit, Michael! Saint fucking Michael!

[Michael dies. The vault explodes]

Packie McReary: Fucking shit.

[to Niko]

Packie McReary: Get the money. Me and my brother will watch the kids.

Ray Boccino: Where the fuck have you been?

Niko Bellic: Sorry... you know how it is.

Ray Boccino: I know how it is? Yeah, I know how it is sitting around with two million dollars worth of stolen ice, waiting to get jumped. If that's what you mean, brains. Were you followed?

Niko Bellic: No. I mean, I don't think so. This town's full of rats so who knows? What's going on? What's so urgent?

Ray Boccino: I need you to offload this ice for me...

Niko Bellic: So what you going to do for me?

Ray Boccino: What do you mean what am I gonna do for you, I look after you.

Niko Bellic: I don't need looking after, I need help finding someone.

Ray Boccino: I said I got connections, I'll see what I can do.

Niko Bellic: "I'll see what I can do." is not good enough. I want your word that you will find him.

Ray Boccino: Hey, I said, I'll look after you.

Niko Bellic: You know what? It's cool. Get someone else, I'll see you later.

Ray Boccino: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you fucking kidding me?

Niko Bellic: No! I keep doing these favors for you and you pay shit. I need this from you. A guarantee that you will find this man. I know he's in the city. So either you give me your word or go fuck yourself, I'm sick of this shit!

Ray Boccino: Fine. Fine you got it, you want my word, you got my word.

Niko Bellic: Good.

Ray Boccino: Who is he?

Niko Bellic: Florian Cravic.

Ray Boccino: Florian fuckin' Cravic?

[laughing]

Niko Bellic: That's right.

Ray Boccino: Okay. Okay, you have my word.

Gracie Ancelotti: So, you like the car? I didn't think a manly guy like you would drive something like this. You got a wife or girlfriend or something?

Niko Bellic: I'm picking this up for a friend.

Gracie Ancelotti: Yeah? What a gentleman. You don't meet guys like you in this city no more. All the good men are gone is what my dad says.

Niko Bellic: Your dad sounds real old school. You and him close?

Gracie Ancelotti: Nah, not really. he's great and all, it's just I don't like his tough guy friends. I only hang out with gay guys, you know. At least they won't try and get in your pants every ten seconds. Not that I don't like guys trying to get in my pants. I appreciate fun as much as the next girl... maybe even more than the next girl.

Niko Bellic: You having fun at the moment?

Gracie Ancelotti: Maybe too much fun. Call me Gracie, by the way.

Niko Bellic: Sure thing, Gracie.

Angie Pegorino: Yeah?

Niko Bellic: I'm here to see Mr. Pegorino...

Angie Pegorino: Well, I didn't think you were here to sell me insurance. So you here to work for him, shoot him, or arrest him? Or maybe all three?

Anthony Corrado: It's okay, Mrs. P, I'll deal with this.

Angie Pegorino: Yeah, I'm in a life threatening situation and I'm having a conversation here. He could have killed me. You're useless. Organized crime, my ass. With guys like you, it's no wonder this 'organization' is doing soooo wonderfully.

Man: [when Niko hits a bum] I'm gonna kick your ass then I'm gonna french kiss ya!

Brian Meech: How you doing?

Niko Bellic: Good. Thank you very much.

Brian Meech: Good! Yes comrade, I am doing good. There is no "I", there is only "we" - it is a glorious system, comrade.

Niko Bellic: Excuse me?

Brian Meech: You're excused, comrade. You're excused, now go and mine salt for fifty years...

Niko Bellic: You're a dick.

Brian Meech: I'm a rich dick, friend. I'm young, and rich and loaded. Tell you what, have a hundred bucks. On Uncle Sam, Benjamin motherfucking Franklin. Freedom!

[Brian hands Niko $100 and walks off]

Brian Meech: [to himself] This coke is okay!

Dimitri Rascalov: Would you stop shooting people, you fucking maniac!

Mikhail Faustin: My wife doesn't like shouting in the house!

Dimitri Rascalov: Whatever!

Street Preacher: Hey, hey, you gotta listen to me, you gotta hear me, are you listening? It's not real man! It's a lie, it's all lies. The government lies to us. They put robots in the drinking water, they put spies in the toilets - to watch us! You think it's a joke, the joke's on you, they're killing you! You are being harvested by a marketing machine! You're not free, you're slaves! Freedom is a lie! They use drugs to control you, they did it to me for a long time. You need love! I need you, you need me, I love you! Love me back!

Nurse: For this little pay, I might as well work at Burger Shot.

Man: [in response to explosions or gunfire] Terrorist! Terrorist!

Niko Bellic: [after having sex with a prostitute] Now I know I'm a lowlife.

Gerry McReary: You handled yourself well on that bank job.

Niko Bellic: It was fun.

Gerry McReary: Fun? Too much fun - that's always been this family's problem. Fun, good causes, a good laugh, some stupid dream or some stupid distraction. But never any fuckin' focus. Never!

Niko Bellic: Mmm, focus...

Gerry McReary: All we've ever been is bitches. Working for guineas, working for niggers, any asshole with a buck. The whole lot spent in the proper manner, oh yeah, wine and women, as quick as possible, and remain a slave forever.

Niko Bellic: Very poetical.

Gerry McReary: Yeah, I know, national tragedy.

Kate McReary: Oh, hey, Niko.

Niko Bellic: Hey, Kate.

Packie McReary: Get your fucking hands off my fucking sister, boy.

Kate McReary: We're talking, not having casual sex, Patrick... I pray after the amount of practice you've had you'd know the difference.

Packie McReary: Sure, I know the difference. One leaves you feeling sad and empty and alone... and the other's casual sex!

Derrick McReary: I haven't felt safe since Aiden O'Malley went inside.

Niko Bellic: Who's Aiden?

Derrick McReary: Me, Bucky and Aiden, we all cared about the same stuff. We came together for a cause we believed in. At least I thought I believed in it. I was young.

Niko Bellic: This was a while ago then?

Derrick McReary: Yeah. So Aiden got caught with something when he was somewhere he wasn't meant to be. Needless to say, he'll be inside for a time. Him and Bucky think I talked. Couldn't see no other way how he got caught. From what I hear, Aiden still rants about me to anyone who'll listen.

Niko Bellic: I know how it feels to be betrayed.

Derrick McReary: You got that look about you.

Packie McReary: Fuck, fuck, fuck. All that trouble for nothing. Kidnapping the bitch, holding onto her, fighting through them damn Russians... all of that for jack shit.

Niko Bellic: Look on the bright side, at least you got to meet Gracie.

Packie McReary: Screw that. I got close to knocking her teeth out. That was about it. We ain't got shit now. Maybe we was going to have to give up them diamonds to fucking Ray Boccino but we woulda got a payday. Now we ain't getting shit.

Niko Bellic: Yeah, but there is no guarantee we woulda made any money out of those diamonds anyway. I've got a suspicion those were the ones Ray Boccino got me to handle a while back. They're bad luck. Me and some biker had to try to sell them to a diamond dealer and it turns into a blood bath. That was when those friends of Gracie's must have gotten them.

Packie McReary: Stole 'em from you, did they?

Niko Bellic: No, they stole them from the guys I sold them to. Shit, these diamonds have been trouble since Ray first made me take them out of a trash can for him. Is good they are on their way to a landfill somewhere. Best place for them. The population of Liberty City would have been higher if we had.

Packie McReary: You might be right, Niko. Whose fucking diamonds were they anyway?

Niko Bellic: They were not Ray's, I can tell you this much. Maybe they belong to this homosexual man, Gracie's friend. I don't know. Maybe to Bulgarin.

Packie McReary: Bulgarin, he the motherfucker who busted up our peaceful hostage exchange? What in Christ's name went on back there anyways?

Niko Bellic: Some time ago, I worked for Mr. Bulgarin in Europe, smuggling people across the Adriatic. A ship sunk, the cargo sunk to the bottom of the sea, I had to swim for my life. Bulgarin lost a lot of money that night and he needed someone to blame. This was one of the reasons I leave Europe and come back here to Liberty City.

Packie McReary: And now he shows up claiming the ice belongs to him? What are the chances?

Niko Bellic: Our paths crossed back when I was living in Hove Beach as well. My cousin and I moved up to Bohan to get away from him and another man called Dimitri Rascalov.

Packie McReary: That's a real shame, I can see you fitting right down in Hove Beach, Niko. Probably a good thing you got out though. Wouldn't a met me if you'd stayed, would ya?

Niko Bellic: When you put it like this, I'm one lucky motherfucker, Packie.

Phil Bell: So you're a friend of Ray's?

Niko Bellic: A friend? No. I do some work for him.

Phil Bell: No, I mean a friend.

Niko Bellic: I don't understand. Whatever you say. He's a slimeball, but he pays...

Phil Bell: Sure, pal, sure. Listen to me... the thing about Ray is he's a good earner. He talks a lot of shit, but he's a good earner, capiche?

Niko Bellic: He's a rat, doing an impression of a man.

Phil Bell: That's pretty good.

Phil Bell: You scan this thing for bugs?

Niko Bellic: No, but we can be pretty sure it's clean. Chill out.

Phil Bell: Alright, alright. It's just that if we get caught on this one, you and me is going down for a long time. And that means that certain people is gonna assume we'll rat. Which means we'll get whacked.

Niko Bellic: You're working with the wrong people if you expect 'em to whack you if you go inside. Where's the trust, Phil?

Phil Bell: It's about survival. If someone who knew what I knew got flipped then the whole organization would go down. Whacking someone who catches some heavy time is just an insurance policy. And it don't help that not everyone in the organization is pulling in the same direction.

Niko Bellic: You mean that someone in the family would see someone else going inside as an opportunity to get ahead?

Phil Bell: You're a smart guy. Anyways, excuse me if I wanna be absolutely sure that we got out asses covered.

Niko Bellic: You're excused. What're we doing?

Phil Bell: We're taking a load of product off of some Russians the Ancelottis have been dealing with. You was helping those Irish idiots cause some beef between the Ancelottis and their Albanian muscle a while back. Since that little love affair ended, they've been getting this Russian guy to supply them with C. We just got the heads up that a shipment has arrived in Liberty City by boat.

Niko Bellic: That's what the talk about the docks was?

Phil Bell: Exactly. We're taking the C off the Russians so they can't deliver it to the Ancelottis.

Niko Bellic: Sounds straightforward. We take the coke so that the Russians and the Ancelottis have a falling out. And we make some money in the process by selling the stuff. Easy.

Phil Bell: Shit, you sound like you're saying all this just so it's clear on the wire tap. For the record I don't know what this man is talking about. We're rehearsing a scene for an acting class. I work in waste management. Everything we're saying is fiction, it has no bearing in the real world. Watch it Niko.

Roman Bellic: My God, for a sociopathic killer you're also a really miserable bastard!

Niko Bellic: Stay calm. No one needs to die.

Man: Show me your tits, darlin'!

Female: [sarcastically] Oh, that's so sweet. Fuck you very much!

Police officer: One squeeze and you're wearing your balls for earrings!

Niko Bellic: [When Niko crashes his car] You know what? I don't even have a license!

Niko Bellic: [During the mission No Way On The Subway after you've killed one of the Lost Bikers] Oh no! Your buddy's dead!

Niko Bellic: [Niko is nervously flying a helicopter through downtown Algonquin with Little Jacob in the co-pilot seat] "Jacbob, do you really have to smoke that thing now? The second hand smoke doesn't exactly help my hand/eye coordination! You know what... Fuck! Whatever. Smoke it!"

Roman Bellic: [When going into a bar with Niko] I'll buy the first round, that is if I remembered my wallet.

[from trailer]

Brian O'Toole: My name is Brian O'Toole. I wanted to fight the War on Terror, but I don't read so good. Most careers were closed to me. That's why I joined the LCPD. Now I'm on the front lines, helping tourists and fighting terrorists. I rifle through people's bags on the subway to protect freedom. I arrest protesters at political conventions for straying outside the free speech zone. Being a cop used to be about stopping crime. Now, thanks to politicians, it's about fighting terrorists, one old lady at a time. I'm protecting freedom, whatever the cost. I'm a hero, and I know it.

Richard Bastion: You've gotta trust me here, I-I've been fined a lot for talking about the size of my penis. I mean, it is closely shaped to a-a tennis ball container. I'm just gonna leave it at that.

Man: [when his car is hit] No! This is my only car!

Man: [after Niko honks horn at him or nearly hits him with a car] Did you see? Reptilian death ray! It's gotta be!

Man: Oh no, they done kill another truth-seeker!

Man: [after Niko crashes into a car] What the fuck?

Niko Bellic: Minkov is dead. The country is safe.

United Liberty Paper: Not by a long-shot smartass.

Man: [after pushed by Niko] Mommy, is that you inside that man?

Man: [after pushed by Niko] She'll leave ya, they all do!

Man: [after pushed by Niko] I don't have any bananas!

Man: [after pushed by Niko] That slut ruined my life.

Man: [after pushed by Niko] Too many gorillas!

Niko Bellic: [Niko is transporting 2 dead bodies to a doctor and the trunk pops open on the way. Niko closes the trunk] Shit, were you guys trying to make a break for it?

Brian Meech: Step 9 requires the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed, courage to change that which can and wisdom to realise the difference.

Serrated Edge Commercial: Sometimes you get stuck in a snowstorm! You gotta eat people!

Richard Bastion: And the trannies! Don't even get me started on the trannies. It's-it's science, run amok. It's very confusing, I'm looking at a woman, I'm talking to a woman, I see the woman's penis, NOW I'm confused.

Michelle: You're damaged goods.

Niko Bellic: No doubt.

Man: We're been invaded!

Male: Would you just do me a favor and fuck off?

Police officer: [ruefully, after killing Niko] I wish this made a difference.

Crazy homeless man: [after losing a fight with Niko] I'll get you next time, Reptilian!

Street vendor: [trying to sell burgers] C'mon! They're not gray when they're cooked!

Police officer: [responding to an incident] Finally, someone wants to play!

Police officer: [addressing the player] If you don't stop, I'll be very mad!

Man: [in response to explosions or gunfire] We're being invaded!

Crazy homeless man: Y'all are sperm banks for aliens, a flock o' sheep!

Niko Bellic: So, someone's been throwing out a load of diamonds?

Luca Silvestri: You could say that. Ray got that tweaker chick of his, the biker broad, you met her?

Niko Bellic: Yeah, she's pretty strung out.

Luca Silvestri: Ray got her to get her friends to steal the ice off of some club owner guy. Her friends are the Lost biker gang.

Niko Bellic: I think I worked with a member of that gang up on Bohan. He was called Johnny or eh, something. Did these bikers get so fucked on meth that they threw the ice away?

Luca Silvestri: Nah. It seems the club owner's got more connections than a subway line. He's in with the Ancelottis, the Dominicans up in Northwood, everybody. Ray come up with this plan to keep a bit of distance between us and the robbery. The bikers is taking the heat for this shit.

Niko Bellic: This ain't the easiest way to pick this shit up, even if we don't want to attract any attention.

Luca Silvestri: Yeah, me and Tuna was saying that before yous got here. We was saying that there's a lot of opportunities for this to go wrong. The bag could split. The diamonds could go missing real easy.

Niko Bellic: That's why we're going to be extra careful, right? We wouldn't want that to happen, would we?

Luca Silvestri: Course not. You know how pissed Ray would get if he found out some diamonds were missin'.

Niko Bellic: He has a temper?

Luca Silvestri: Are you fuckin' kidding me? The manager of one of his waste depots was holding out on profits a couple a years back. Ray fed him to a dump truck. There was this point where the sounds of his screams stopped and all you could hear was his bones crushin', then the pop of his skull goin'. I nearly lost my lunch.

Niko Bellic: Nice.

Jimmy Pegorino: I can't believe them Pavanos would treat me like this. The Pegorino name should mean something to them. It means something in Alderney even if it don't in Algonquin. They better not think of crossing that West River and not looking over their shoulders.

Niko Bellic: Too bad about Marco and Pete.

Jimmy Pegorino: Marco and Pete? Oh yeah, those guys didn't make it, did they? Well, too fucking bad. They knew what they was signed on for. Weren't complaining on the way out, were they? No they weren't. Happy to be on board with the skipper.

Niko Bellic: Yeah, well, they seemed like good kids.

Jimmy Pegorino: Ah these kids come and go. It ain't worth paying attention to them until they prove they can survive. I just move on and hire some wannabe wiseguys off the street.

Niko Bellic: It's that simple?

Jimmy Pegorino: Has to be. I only start paying attention to the screw when they start putting me in an awkward position. Either because they know too much and might rat. Or because they got too much power and they're too smart to get themselves clipped. Ray was nothing to me until he started earning big and sticking his nose in places it didn't belong.

Niko Bellic: Rats seem to get everywhere you don't want them to be.

Jimmy Pegorino: Only way you know is by finding their shit all over the place in the morning. Phil's different. He's been my man for a while. Only, how much can I do with a guy who ain't a full Italian? He's 90% Irish. It don't do too well for the reputation of us Pegorinos having St. Patrick that high up in our organization. You see the respect we're getting out on the street. Jesus.

Male: Are you Fucking Blind?

Male: He's gotta be a setup!

Niko Bellic: I'm an idiot... I move.

Police officer: Put your dancing shoes on, we're about to tango, baby!

Police officer: This guy's a fuckin' lunatic!

Street Preacher: I have been to the other side. I have been there and it's incredible. They have flying elephants. They have men made out of chocolate. They have pizzas as big as the city. They have a prize for the a person with the biggest heart, not the biggest wallet.

Male: [when challenged to a fight] I'm gonna eat you alive!

Male: [when shot in the leg] Aah! The fucking leg!

Female: [from "The Suburbs" commercial; moody] How was your day, dear?

Male: [depressed] Boring. I wanna die.

Female: Whatever. You promised you mow the yard today.