Paul Mardino: Let me ask you something. Do you give the guys that deliver your CAT scan a tip?

Ray Johnson: I usually throw 'em five bucks so they can grab some lunch.

Paul Mardino: Five bucks? Where are you going to get lunch for five bucks?

Ray Johnson: McDownalds. Boouurger King... Woundy's.

Paul Mardino: I love it. Little changes to the names of the most famous fast food chains.

Ray Johnson: That's right.

Paul Mardino: I really do love it, Ray.

Ray Johnson: Thanks.

Ray Johnson: So let me get this straight. You're saying you dropped a surgical instrument into Mrs. Contiella's body, knowingly and deliberately?

Dr. Glenn Richie: I have been an exemplary surgeon for the last 20 years. A good citizen. A father. A family man. A husband.

Ray Johnson: Did you deliberately put the scissors into Mrs. Contiella's body?

Dr. Glenn Richie: I would never under any circumstances do anything to harm a patient unless I was doing it as a goof.

Ray Johnson: Did you put the scissors in?

Dr. Glenn Richie: I'm a practicing physician, sir...

Ray Johnson: Did you put the scissors in?

Dr. Glenn Richie: For the last 20 years, sir.

Ray Johnson: Did you put the scissors in?

Dr. Glenn Richie: I am not going to entertain this...

Ray Johnson: Did you put the scissors in?

Dr. Glenn Richie: AS A GODDAMN GOOF!

Jeff Reigert: Gretchen... Hey, I was in the neighborhood. I thought I'd come by and take a shit.

Duane Rosenblum: Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were the one who were ass-raping you every night.

Dr. Glenn Richie: You know, I think you're felling the energy of our friendship and projecting it into something else that isn't there.

Duane Rosenblum: No Glenn, I'm not... I'm not projecting. I can't look at you without fantasizing about shoving you up against a wall in the laundry room, and punching you in the mouth... And then raping you. Without your consent, of course.

Dr. Glenn Richie: Hey, that's what makes it rape right?

Duane Rosenblum: That's what makes it rape.

Tony Contiella: You murdered my wife!

Dr. Glenn Richie: Hey, guy! As a goof, guy! As a goof!

Jeff Reigert: You know what, Gretchen? You know what you can do?

Gretchen Reigert: Don't say something you gonna regret.

Jeff Reigert: Go...

Gretchen Reigert: I'm warning you, Jeff.

Jeff Reigert: ...fly...

Gretchen Reigert: Don't you say it!

Jeff Reigert: Go fly a kite, Gretchen! Go fly a kite.

Judge Sophia R. Jackson: If I could, I'd sentence all twelve of you to death by my foot up your ass.

Louis La Fonda: What does a monkey from the zoo have in common with a Fig Newton? Nothing, right? Think again. They're both sometimes brown.

[first lines]

Jeff Reigert: [phone rings] Hello?

Jeff Reigert: I'm sorry, I had to go, okay?

Jeff Reigert: Because I have to introduce the ten stories. I told this this before, we'll talk about this when I get home, alright? I'm late enough as it is.

Jeff Reigert: "The Ten Commandments" ten stories, alright? You knew about this when you married me, this is what I do.

Jeff Reigert: Hello? Hello? Unbelievable.

Fielding Barnes: The majority of jobs are for actors who can get up off the floor without dying.

Jeff Reigert: See how that works? That was the first one and now we have nine more. The total being ten. And you know what ten is? Ten is. Tennis. Tennis anyone? It's like I can't even reserve a court unless it's a holiday weekend.

Jeff Reigert: Anyway, let's get back to our ten stories. Here we go with number two. The duck. The deuce... Number two. Poop.