The Love Guru (2008)

Mike Myers: Guru Pitka, Young Pitka, Teenage Pitka, Mike Myers

Photos 

Quotes 

• Guru Pitka : If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?

• Darren Roanoke : How can you be the Love Guru if you've never been in a relationship?

  Guru Pitka : Well, there is someone I like. But until I learn to love myself, I can only go out with three girls named Ann.

  Darren Roanoke : Three girls named Ann?

  Guru Pitka : Yeah. Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.

• Guru Pitka : Intimacy is like putting your wiener on a table and having someone say "That looks like a penis... only smaller".

• Guru Pitka : [opening line, spoken in deep voice]  When I was a child in India, growing up in the tiny village of Harenmahkeester, I found a voice over machine which I still use to this day.

• Coach Punch Cherkov : What's the capital of Thailand?

  Guru Pitka : Bangkok.

  Coach Punch Cherkov : Exactly.

  [punches Pitka in his groin] 

  Guru Pitka : Omar Sharif, my balls!

• Guru Pitka : Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy. Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.

• Guru Pitka : [picks up Coach Cherkov]  I'd like to thank the Academy. Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.

  Coach Punch Cherkov : Put me down, a-hole!

• Guru Pitka : It's a problem. Even Jay-Zed had 99 of them, and the bitch was not one of them!

• Guru Pitka : [notices Coach Cherkov behind him and freaks out]  This little guy scared the crap out of me. I think I'm gonna have to do a panty check. I might have some monkey-mustard back there. No, I am good.

  Coach Punch Cherkov : [to Jane]  Who is this prick?

  Guru Pitka : Well, how do you do? Shrimp?

  Coach Punch Cherkov : What did you call me, jagamo?

  Guru Pitka : I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome. Name! You are a midget.

  Coach Punch Cherkov : I find that term condescending!

  Guru Pitka : Condescending. That's a *big* word for you.

• Guru Pitka : Give me a pound. Lock it down. Break the pickle. Tickle, tickle.

• [repeated line] 

  Guru Pitka : Marishka Hargitay.

• Guru Pitka : Tonawanda street? I know this street.

  Darren Roanoke : You do?

  Guru Pitka : Yes. At what number did you live?

  Darren Roanoke : Fifty-three.

  Guru Pitka : Did you know a Dickie Withers at 85?

  Darren Roanoke : No?

  Guru Pitka : Well, it does. A dickie does wither at 85. I own you! Yeah! You are laughing! You see, you are filled with joy of a child!

• Jessica Simpson : [using the ashram's greeting]  Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

  Guru Pitka : Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.

  [kisses a flower, gives it to her and then grabs her head, causing a small orgasm] 

  Guru Pitka : [recovers]  Did you get into the VIP room OK?

  [Jessica smiles, the Guru mouths the words I LOVE YOU] 

  Val Kilmer : Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

  Guru Pitka : Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer.

  [kisses a flower, hands it to Val who breaks a part of it off] 

  Guru Pitka : [screams loudly]  Why do you hurt me?

  [Val looks confused] 

  Guru Pitka : I know why, I know why.

  Mariska Hargitay : Mariska Hargitay, Guru Pitka.

  Guru Pitka : [stunned]  Mariska Hargitay, Mariska Hargitay.

• Guru Pitka : Let's look at the word, guru. Ok. My goal is to get you to say "Gee yoU aRe yoU", TM

• Guru Pitka : Jane, the city of Toronto doesn't hate you.

  Jane Bullard : Oh, yeah they do!

  Guru Pitka : Uhhh, no they don't

  Jane Bullard : Oh, yeah they do!

  Guru Pitka : Uhhh, no they don't

  Jane Bullard : Trust me, at the arena I had maintenance paint lines telling me where the crowd can't see me! You know so they don't boo me and throw stuff at my head!

• Jane Bullard : I haven't laughed like this in such a long time.

  Guru Pitka : Why not?

  Jane Bullard : It's hard to laugh when men just see you as some curse.

• Guru Pitka : Rajneesh, let's make like a baby and head out!

• Guru Pitka : In my book, "If You're Happy and You Know it, Think Again", I speak of intimacy, or "into-me-l-see."

• Guru Pitka : They can say bad thing about you but you must never say bad things about yourself.

• Guru Pitka : Tell me. What is it, you cunt-face.

• Kanye West : I love hockey! I love hockey!

  Mike Myers : I love hockey, too!

• Guru Pitka : Please welcome, Celine Dion!

  Jacques Grande : Ah! Dis is my day of lucky!

• Guru Pitka : Your entourage must stay behind.

  Darren Roanoke : No, no, no, no, no. They protect me.

  Guru Pitka : Well, they didn't protect you from that outfit, now, did they?

  Darren Roanoke : What? What's wrong with shark skin?

  Guru Pitka : More like gay-skin, how about. What? Yeah.

• [repeated line] 

  Guru Pitka : I am his holiness, the Guru Pitka.

• Guru Pitka : I was born in America, which is where our journey begins. It's the story of a hockey player named Darren Roanoke, my most resistant student, who became my greatest teacher. Or some such bullshit. I don't know.

• Guru Pitka : Two million dollars! That's a lot of cheese.

• Guru Pitka : Let me get this straight. If I fix their marriage, I get on Oprah, and if I get on Oprah, I'm the next Deepak Chopra!

• Guru Pitka : What does Deepak Chopra have that I don't have?

  Dick Pants : He's been on Oprah.

• Guru Pitka : Quaking pudding! I can't take this!

• Guru Pitka : Without intimacy, you feel nowhere. Tonight I want you to go from "nowhere" to "now here."

• Guru Pitka : After he got syphilis, he would say things like, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'." "Did it smell that bad when you ate it?" "Liquor up front, poker in back." But his point was this, "If you can't love yourself, you can't love another."

• Guru Tugginmypudha : Maurice, you're not of Indian blood. Speak of your parents.

  Teenage Pitka : They are both dead. They were missionaries.

  Guru Tugginmypudha : And what did they do before then?

  Teenage Pitka : They were dog stylists.

  Guru Tugginmypudha : So, let me get this straight. They were into doggy style before the missionary position?

• Guru Pitka : Well, this kitten's got a whip. Meow!

• Teenage Pitka : I want to become a guru so girls will like me. Then I will like myself.

• Jane Bullard : I didn't even ask for this job! I guess it's just my fate!

  Guru Pitka : Fate is a joke. And as I once read on a wall, in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow, "The joke is in your hands." Oh, my God, I just got that.

• Guru Pitka : As I write in my book. "Stop Hitting Yourself. Stop Hitting Yourself. Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?", I explain that, people may say bad things about you, but you must never say bad things about yourself.

• Guru Pitka : Well, it's hard to believe a girl like you can't find a man.

  Jane Bullard : What does that mean, "a girl like me"?

  Guru Pitka : Well, come on, I don't have words for it. You know, nice girl, intelligent, bedroom eyes, pouty lips, great rack, tight bell-shaped ass, thicker than a Snicker.

• Guru Pitka : Prudence is still with Jacques Grande and he still has the biggest wiener in hockey.

  Darren Roanoke : Is it true?

  Guru Pitka : Yes, he has a ginormous hog.

• Darren Roanoke : What if it doesn't work?

  Guru Pitka : I can always refund your misery. I was ominous just then.

• Guru Pitka : I want to sing!

  [singing] 

  Guru Pitka : Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah, Some call me the gangster of love, Some people call me Maurice, 'Cause I speak of the pompatus of love...

• Guru Pitka : An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.

• Guru Pitka : Look at you. You're jumpy. You're like prison bitch jumpy.

• Jane Bullard : [singing]  He's a picker, He's a grinner, He's a lover, And he's a sinner, He plays his music in the sun

  Guru Pitka : I'm a joker, I'm a smoker

  Coach Punch Cherkov : I'm a midnight toker

  Guru Pitka , Jane Bullard : I get my lovin' on the run...

• Guru Pitka : Sheket Bevakasha. Means Silence Please in hebrew