Victor 'Vic' Vance: [Finds Lance searching the house] Lance! Lance, get over here and explain yourself!

Lance Vance: Shhh!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Stop acting like a child!

Lance Vance: Shhh!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Don't you shush me!

Lance Vance: [Speaking in a hushed tone] Keep your voice down.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: No! You can barely tie your own shoelaces and you're telling me how to behave?

Lance Vance: [Yelling] Will you shut up, you stupid gorilla? The place is bugged! The DEA is onto us! Happy now?

Lance Vance: Hey, Vic. Like the new threads?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Terrifying. I need to use the phone

[Calls Martinez]

Jerry Martinez: Yeah?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Thanks for the coke, Martinez. Now you know how it feels to get fucked.

Jerry Martinez: Oh, you fucked us both, Vic. That coke you ripped off belonged to the Mendez brothers. I was just the shepherd. Now we're all on their shit list and the only way off is in a fucking bag. I'm turning states. I'm gonna ruin you, you brother, Mendez, everyone! Happy Holidays.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [Hangs up and turn to Lance] Lance! You useless degenerate asshole!

Phil Collins: Look, Barry, when I agreed to play Vice City, I didn't expect it to be my swan song.

Barry: It's no problem, mate. Just some nutcase trying it on.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Hey, aren't you...

Phil Collins: Phil, mate. Phil Collins.

Barry: Let's do the meet and greet another time, eh? Come on.

Announcer: Tim gave everything he had to our country. Now, he's having flashbacks and someone's going to pay. Howitzer is back. "Evacuator."

Jack Howitzer: Die, you scum!

Announcer: One man's search for peace.

Jack Howitzer: Goodnight, bitches! I'll kill him before he screams!

Announcer: One man's search for hope.

Jack Howitzer: Let's do some killing! Let's kill for the kids!

Announcer: One man's search for the truth.

Jack Howitzer: After I torched those villages and raped all those schoolgirls, I just can't seem to get those images out of my head!

Announcer: He gave everything. Then the liberals turned their backs on our hero. And now, he's out for the truth.

Jack Howitzer: What do you smell, Wandering Hands?

Wandering Hands: Hmm, me smell fear.

Jack Howitzer: Good, let's arm wrestle.

Wandering Hands: That be different film.

Jack Howitzer: Okay, let's kill some commies!

Wandering Hands: Mmm, me find Vietnamese squaw.

Russian: He's wrestling the chopper down! Shoot him!

Jack Howitzer: I'm an American and you're not! So fucking die!

Russian: Ah, he's too strong!

Announcer: "Evacuator."

Jack Howitzer: Let's evacuate these bitches!

Announcer: Rated RP for "Really Patriotic."

Armando Mendez: So, now we're together. And yet, business is hard. this industry is full of criminals.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Oh, yeah?

Armando Mendez: Money can be so corrupting. I find it very distasteful.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Heh. Well, you know, that's the deal with the drug trade. It attracts the wrong sort.

Armando Mendez: Quite. Are you trustworthy, my friend?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: I don't know. After what I've been through recently, I'd say... Probably not.

Jerry Martinez: [watching a porno] Is that legal? Can animals give consent?

Flash FM Imaging Singer: Stupid disc jockeys and the same ten songs. It's Flash FM.

Lance Vance: This is the Lance Vance Dance!

Phil Collins: [Vic drives Phil and Barry to their hotel after being chased by mobsters] Shouldn't we call the police?

Barry: This is Vice City, mate. Seriously, bandit country. It's nothing.

Phil Collins: Who is this Georgio you owe money to?

Barry: Oh, just a fan. He lent me... I mean, he GAVE me a few quid.

Phil Collins: Barry, are you in hock to gangsters?

Barry: No, mate! I swear, on your life!

Phil Collins: Yeah, well that's what I'm worried about. You're a real moron. I should have left you to manage that talking dog. What was his name? Puddles?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [opening Cutscene] Vic Vance, reporting for duty, Sir!

[From the trailer]

Ricardo Diaz: At last, someone who isn't the missing link!

Couzin Ed: Punk and new wave can go to hell! That's right, go to hell! But not the hell I'm going to. That's the fun hell. You'll go to the crappy hell!

Lance Vance: [to Vic, as the two of them are being shot at by Cholos] Do you have any friends in this town?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Do you think we can trust Diaz?

Lance Vance: My man Diaz is a businessman.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Great. That's a "no" then.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [finds Louise dying from two gunshot wounds to the torso, and Lance unconscious] Louise!

Louise Cassidy- Williams: [dying] Hey... Vic... You came for me... No one ever really did much for me before... That's... sweet of you.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Hey, hey, come on, listen... Let's get you to a hospital

Louise Cassidy- Williams: I don't think... There's much point in that.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Come on, Louise.

Louise Cassidy- Williams: We could've had... Something special.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Yeah. No, we did have something special.

Louise Cassidy- Williams: Make sure Mary-Jo takes care of my baby.

[Louise dies]

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Oh, Louise...

[Vic breaks down and cries over Louise's body]

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Louise...

[Vic finally gets up and starts walking away. Lance regains consciousness and spots him]

Lance Vance: Hey, Vic, I know you cared about her, man. But she wasn't right for you.

[Vic stops in his tracks for a moment, then shakes his head in disgust and walks away]

Lance Vance: Vic... Hey, Vic... Family is what matters... Oh, damn.

[Lance gets up and starts limping away]

Lance Vance: Alright... Alright... Okay, I'm gonna make it. I can make it. I know I can, man...

Jerry Martinez: Hey, Victor Vance! Did anybody ever tell you you got a really dumb name?

Phil Collins: Barry, is everything sorted of tonight?

Barry: Mate, you're gonna blow them away.

Phil Collins: Well, I'm more worried about someone blowing me away.

Lance Vance: Try to keep up, man. I'm a baaad driver!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: You said it.

Vice City TV Reporter: VNN: Where good news is no news.

Couzin Ed: Hey, Lazlow, if you don't shut up, you'll be the only intern I've ever fired!

Jerry Martinez: [sees the boat the DEA had issued him] Is this the best you could get me? I should've taken my chances with the Mendez brothers.

Reni Wassulmaier: You mean, he doesn't know?

Barry: Uh, no. And let's keep it that way.

Reni Wassulmaier: Of course. He's an artist. The pressure could kill him. I mean, I perform well knowing people want to drill me full of holes. But I am unique, darling.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Look, I'm in this to make money for my brother. I don't have time to waste.

Reni Wassulmaier: Darling, that is beautiful. One day, I will make a film like that. Two bothers. One is a dog. The other, a librarian. Love blossoms between a man and a pig. Three swans die. The end. Genius!

Gonzales: Have you ever played golf?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Sure. I've played a round or two.

Gonzales: Ha, ha! I play around all the time. But don't tell my wife.

Barry: [Vic has just cleared the stadium of hitmen] It's Vic. See, I told you. Nothing to worry about.

Phil Collins: Yeah, yeah. I'll see you inside.

Barry: Seriously, mate, is everything alright?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Sure. But, um, you might want to call bomb disposal.

Barry: Bomb disposal? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, good one. Yeah, yeah, fucking comedian. Yeah, yeah. Should put you on the fucking stage, eh? Phil, mate... Uh, maybe we should delay rehearsals awhile, eh? Technical issues, you know? Nothing serious. It's alright.

Ricardo Diaz: How was she?

Lance Vance: Yeah, good.

Ricardo Diaz: She knows a lot of tricks for such a young girl, eh?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Lance, you're pathetic.

Ricardo Diaz: Yeah, Quentin. Only took you three minutes.

Tina Jane: Hey, if you're makin' love, I wanna know! Vice City, call me up! Not in the middle, though. That's kinda creepy.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: We should spread out an cover as much ground as we can. Let me know if you need any help.

Lance Vance: Wait up. I'm gonna need some serious artillery for this gig.

[Takes an M4 out of the car's trunk]

Lance Vance: Hello, Mr. M4! M for Motherfucker!

Louise Cassidy- Williams: [Vic and Louise are flying in a helicopter] It's a great view from up here! I think I can see Mary-Jo's place! There are some beautiful houses down there! Some real shit-holes too.

Vice City TV Reporter: VNN: Thinking for you, so you don't have to.

Vice City TV Reporter: Vice City civilians had a pleasant surprise today when an unknown philanthropist tossed cash from his car onto the streets. The police would like to talk to the kind-hearted driver with regard to littering charges and several hit-and-runs. If you have any information as to his whereabouts, call us on 555-FUNDUST. VNN: Cashing in the chips of truth!

Vice City TV Reporter: VNN: Hustling the news to green public.

Lance Vance: [Lying on the couch with a hangover] Oh, man. What month is it? Did I do anything stupid in the last few days?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Stupid? Oh, no. You passed stupid and kept on going, straight on into fucked up!

Couzin Ed: Couzin Ed here! I'm the cousin you can sleep with and tell your mom. Hell, bring her too! I probably had her anyway!

VRock Voice: This is V-Rock!

Couzin Ed: Let's turn it up to twelve... Bitch!

Flash FM Imaging Singer: Playing nothing but the hits, irrelevant of the quality.

Jerry Martinez: Now, Vic, tell me, why did you sign up, huh? To stay out of jail? Because you like getting shouted at, huh? What makes you polish your boots and put bullets in you gun in the hopes that maybe you get to shoot someone, huh? Ha, ha, ha!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: I got a difficult family. I got responsibilities.

Jerry Martinez: What, kids? A broad giving you shit?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: No, brothers. One's real sick. Asthma. And I gotta pay the bills. The other... Well, maybe he's sick too, but in a different way. My mom's a mess.

Jerry Martinez: So you joined the Army to get rich?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Not exactly. But, you know, my dad, he came here from DR. We didn't have a lot of opportunities. What else was I supposed to do? Why did you join up?

Jerry Martinez: To get rich!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: The reefer is under my bed.

Jerry Martinez: Oh, genius! Great hiding place! What are you, fifteen?

Jerry Martinez: The thing is you work for Phil and Phil... Phil works for me. Which makes you my bitch's bitch. Figure that out.

Couzin Ed: Yeah, the rock makes it feel so good!

Lazlow - V-Rock: I'm touching myself.

Couzin Ed: Speaking of which, after losing my pinky, I've mastered my butterfly knife which is the pinnacle of reckless living. My face in roast beef!

Lazlow - V-Rock: The pinnacle of reckless living is a butterfly knife?

Couzin Ed: Yeah, or in your case, it's probably staying up till ten on a school night. Knives are cool! Rock is cool! Couzin Ed is cool. Lazlow sucks. I love sluts!

Louise Cassidy- Williams: You did it, Vic! The whole damn caboodle's yours!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Yeah, but I don't know how to run this kind of thing.

Louise Cassidy- Williams: Marty could do it and he was nearly inbred. You'll pick it up!

Teri: This is Flash FM, playing you the most important records of our time.

Toni - Flash FM: What? Those made by guys I've slept with?

Teri: No, those that have sold a lot, dumbass.

Phil Collins: [On Flash FM] Hi, Phil Collins, here. And when I'm in Vice City, I only listen to Flash FM, where pop meets payola.

Teri: Did we screw last night? I was so wasted.

Toni - Flash FM: I don't know. But if we did, you sucked 'cause I totally don't remember.

Luke Campbell: [Plays Run DMC's "It's Like That"] "It's like that and that's the way it is." That's what the fuck I told VCPD last night and they put me in jail. Fuck Vice City Police Department!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [Drives Lance to his hotel] Impressive! This place ain't cheap.

Lance Vance: Ha, ha, ha! I wouldn't know. I told them to bill you.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Hey, you Umberto?

Umberto Robina: Did somebody order a stripper?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Excuse me?

Umberto Robina: Because I like my bitches a bit less balding.

Umberto Robina: Show these boys how to be men and take back our streets from these bitch Cholos. I have my own bitch to deal with inside.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: You're not coming?

Umberto Robina: I will be soon... But not with you, my friend! I'm hot, baby!

DJ Trish Camden: I'm gonna be a VJ. They're the future. Who's gonna listen to the radio to hear music when you can watch it instead?

Lance Vance: [Repeated line] Let's pop!

Teri: The twin temptresses of pop on Flash FM, talking really fast about the Top 40 way, so you don't have time to ponder your shallow existence. Or the fact that Toni has herpes. Let's have another hit!

Toni - Flash FM: I got them from your dad... Bitch!

Lionel Makepiece: Love makes the world go around. It really does. Nudie pictures do too. My cousin's a physicist and he says it's centrifugal gravitational pull, but he sleeps with prostitutes. I did once, but we fell in love, until she broke my heart.

Lionel Makepiece: Right now, to prove how much our sales team thinks of keeping our listeners, here's Fernando at Doggy-Style Pets.

Fernando: Thanks Lionel. You really are sounding like the estrogen is taking over. I am Fernando Martinez. Right now, I broadcast live from Doggy-Style Pet Store. When I get emotional, I get a puppy, Lionel. And when I feel better, I say, "Fernando, you don't need a puppy anymore. You need a woman with big hips that bear the child that will someday rise up against you, and fight you to the death." So I throw the puppy away, and take the wench by the hair.

Lionel Makepiece: Fernando, what the hell are you talking about?

Fernando: I am talking about the jungle, Lionel. About being the king of the jungle. Like a kitten that is half-off when you stop at the Doggy-Style Pet Store, downtown. Maybe you need to move some yayo. A puppy is perfect. Or maybe you are slow, like your mom was exposed to DDT, and you like a pet turtle. They have lots of turtles here! Fernando likes guinea pigs. But I date an Italian girl and she no like it. And plus, they don't taste like real pig. My mouth is all furry. It's like the '60s all over again. The women, they are so hairy. They don' believe in shaving. Come see us here. Fernando will find you something to cuddle with. I guarantee it. Let's play a powerful track.

Lionel Makepiece: That is my line.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [about to beat someone up] Let's play "I fuck you up"!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [steals someone's car] You needed a new one anyway!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [gets in a car crash] Designed by experts, wrecked by a moron!

Phil Collins: [on Emotion 98.3] Hi! It's Phil Collins here. And when I'm in Vice City and want to listen to some power ballads about crying alone in a wind tunnel, I listen to Emotion.

Lionel Makepiece: I cry every time I hear that song. I cry and I laugh and I hold myself tight and remember the first time. I was 13, in a jacuzzi. It was kind of embarrassing, but I don't think anyone noticed.

Lionel Makepiece: That was more powerful than any chemical that could course through your veins. A mark on your soul. And speaking of souls, our very own Fernando is broadcasting live at Cinder Beast Tattoo at Vice Point. Fernando?

Fernando: That's right, Lionel. I am here at Cinder Beast Tattoos. There are things that last forever, like a paper degree. Or the time you play on the railroad tracks with your slow brother and he doesn't get out of the way in time. And you realize this is, how you say, a metaphor for the first sexual experience. You like roses? Or barbed wire? Or maybe you love someone so much, you want their name on your ass for all eternity. Or you want a tattoo of a mermaid and a gorilla? Or a man, slaying a dragon with his penis. These guys take good care of you. They use clean needles. They change them every week. They train for a very long time. Like, three days. And some of them have been in the joint so you know they have experience. For skulls on fire or Egyptian symbols of fertility, come to Cinder Beast Tattoos. This is Fernando Martinez for Emotion. Written on the heart, tattooed on the loins.

Lionel Makepiece: I love that guy. He's like a spiritual force.

Lionel Makepiece: Therapy really works. I used to hate myself for what happened. Now, I merely hate myself. That's progress

Flash FM Imaging Singer: Flash FM, Vice City.

Teri: The only one to listen to while you're at work. Unless you're unemployed or laid off at your job as an air traffic controller. In which case, go screw!

Toni - Flash FM: So, I was sleeping with this married guy and he was so hot. I couldn't even believe it! Like, we were going and going and going for hours and hours!

Teri: Figures, you skank.

Toni - Flash FM: At least, I have some energy.

Teri: Uh, excuse me?

Toni - Flash FM: You deadbeat hag!

Teri: Uh, at least I got the best coke in the world.

Toni - Flash FM: Yeah, and you're so cracked out on it, you can't even get it up. Wait a minute...

Teri: Flash FM! Only the rules get busted, not Toni or Teri.

Toni - Flash FM: That's right, I've blown every policeman who's ever pulled me over.

Teri: Slut. I've only blown the hot ones. The ugly guys get a handjob.

Teri: The great thing about music before videos, was you didn't have to see naked purple midgets crawling out of bathtubs. You made your own video. Radio will always rule and these new videos are crap!

Toni - Flash FM: Flash FM, reminding you that gasoline and alcohol don't mix, so don't drink any gasoline. I tried it once when I was really desperate for a buzz!

Teri: Coming up next, Hall & Oates, "Family Man!"

Toni - Flash FM: It's about sluts picking up married men at hotel bars. God, it's the story of my life!

Couzin Ed: We got fans who are gonna be backstage at the Love Fist show. How? We gave away tickets and the winner died in a drunk driving accident. Yeah!

Lance Vance: [Vic and Lance have fought off a gang of gay bikers] Man, Forbes screwed us! Let's go back and screw him... Metaphorically speaking!

Lance Vance: [Vic and Lance have captured two truckloads of drugs] Rich at last! Rich at last! Thank God almighty, we are rich at last!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: We haven't sold this shit yet.

Lance Vance: We'd better. I've just bought us both fancy apartments. We're mortgaged to the hilt.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: We're supposed to be getting out of this shit.

Lance Vance: We are. But I gotta do it in style. I've got a reputation to uphold.

Tina Jane: This is Roy Ayers, "Everybody Loves the Sunshine." And they do... Except for vampires and people on acid.

Lazlow - V-Rock: [Plays Dokken's "Breaking the Chains"] Dokken!

Couzin Ed: "Breaking the Chains." I keep Lazlow tied to a chain in the corner so he doesn't ruin my show. Or grab my ass.

Lazlow - V-Rock: Hey, you're on V-Rock with Couzin Ed... And Lazlow... And uh... Damn.

Couzin Ed: You are doing this all wrong!

Lazlow - V-Rock: What?

Couzin Ed: You sound about as much fun as a chainsaw enema! And trust me, that's not a lot of fun. You want to sound like you're the party organizer, not the funeral director!

Lazlow - V-Rock: Well, give a break here. I'm just trying to be myself.

Couzin Ed: No wonder we're suffering. This is V-Rock, shithead, not Emotion!

Couzin Ed: You know how some guys grow their hair long and they look like rock stars while others, they just look like ugly girls? Little Lazzy here's looking pretty damn feminine. Aren't you, honey?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [Following one of Gonzalez's men from the Pole Position club] How did you know he'd be there?

Lance Vance: All the out-of-towners go there to get high and get laid. I did.

Reni Wassulmaier: So now, I must go to Dr. Horowitz. He's a genius! Tomorrow, new Reni!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: You're not having another sex change?

Reni Wassulmaier: I only have three.

Mendez's Henchman: You're gonna die, you freak of nature!

Reni Wassulmaier: Freak? I'm an artist. I'm sensitive... And I'm gonna kill all of you fucking filthy fuckers!

Reni Wassulmaier: [Vic and Reni are being shot at by Mendez's men] All this macho bullshit... I'll be glad when I'm a woman.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Keep your head down!

Reni Wassulmaier: In your lap, darling?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: On second thought, keep shooting!

Lance Vance: Hey, I'm sorry, Ricardo baby, but sometimes brothers get all alpha male on you. You know?

Ricardo Diaz: I know. That's why I killed mine.

Reni Wassulmaier: [Reni's had a sex-change operation] Vic, darling! How do I look?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Uh... Different?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: So, you're really leaving?

Reni Wassulmaier: I have no choice, darling. Diego will never stop looking for me. Once you've been with Reni, nothing compares. Besides, I'm through with advertising. It's so morally bankrupt. I'm going to Europe to conquer the exotic adult movie business.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Europeans like women with big hands and stubble?

Reni Wassulmaier: Of course. We are more sophisticated that you Americans, darling.

Phil Collins: Hey Vic, have you ever though about a career in management?

Barry Mickelthwaite: Hold up, boy! I'm your management!

Phil Collins: Yeah... Miss Management. Or was that just Reni's name for you? You should have got those false tits, mate, just like Reni suggested. They'd look great alongside that real one you're using for a head.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: What's going on, Diaz?

Ricardo Diaz: It's time to revenge the death of that girl of yours. and bring the whole Mendez operation down. You want a bump, man?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: No.

Ricardo Diaz: Well, I do.

[Diaz snorts cocaine]

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Ah, Jesus.

Ricardo Diaz: My spies tell me everything. This is that plan. The Army just took delivery of some new attack helicopters. Meanwhile, Diego Mendez thinks he's untouchable just because no one could get him from the ground. So...

Victor 'Vic' Vance: So how about I sneak into the Army base, steal a chopper and use that to attack him?

Ricardo Diaz: Heh, heh, heh! Si, Senior!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Si, Senior? Are you kidding me? That coke is doing something to you brain, buddy.

[Diaz snorts some more coke]

Ricardo Diaz: No, it just helps me think. And get it on.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: You're not gonna do anything stupid, are you, man?

Phil Cassidy: We're breaking into a military base and I'm drunk. What could be more stupid?

Ricardo Diaz: Mendez is Downtown. His place is like a fortress. But this baby, she'll tear the whole building down.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Great. When I'm done, we're done! Lance and I will owe you nothing.

Ricardo Diaz: When you're done, I'm gonna own this town. It's the American dream. And it's all because of you, Vic. You're a hero!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: No, I'm an asshole. I've spent all my time running around making morons rich while my family fell apart and the woman I wanted died waiting for me to call.

Ricardo Diaz: Woman? You need some porn? I just got in some crazy donkey porn. You'll love it. I'll be finished with it by the time you get back.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: I'm not coming back, Diaz. And I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for me!

Ricardo Diaz: Woohoo! Whatever you say, tough guy. I'll see you around! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Jerry Martinez: Ten-hut! Ha, ha! Vic, I swear to God, I thought you were gonna salute me. Toss the gun.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Fuck you.

Jerry Martinez: Vic, still so uptight. You know what your problem is? You're trying to be the good guy in a bad man's game. Huh, I thought you had potential. Turns out you're just another chump... Like Mendez.

Diego Mendez: Me cago en tu madre!

Jerry Martinez: Oye ese! Que hay de nuevo?

Diego Mendez: Veta a la mierda!

Jerry Martinez: You first.

Lionel Makepiece: Lionel Makepeace here on Emotion, imagining a better world. A world where men and women understand each other perfectly. Where the only reason to quarrel is to make up and where broken hearts can always be mended... even mine.

Lionel Makepiece: Let's see what's up with our roving reporter, Fernando Martinez, out there in the field, discovering love firsthand. Fernando, where are you?

Fernando: In the massage parlor, Lionel. It's fantastic! Boy, I mean these girls really know how to relax you! Baby!

Lionel Makepiece: Fernando, this is a family show.

Fernando: Where do you think babies come from, Lionel? Not from therapy, buddy. Or the stork. But from the power and the passion of a load of baby oil, and a woman to relax you. You see, we waste so much of our love when you make an abstract painting on her face, or a map of the Falkland Islands on your stomach, on a lonely night. But this is business class, baby! This is 1984. It is beautiful. Passion can be released. Boy, do I know that! All the ethnicities. Asians, the Swedes, the little Mexican girl... It is beautiful. Really incredible! Hey baby, I think I'm getting a little stress again! Come here!

Lionel Makepiece: Uh, that was our roving reporter, Fernando Martinez. What a joker. Just broadcasting from a mall and pretending to be getting an erotic massage. As if. I mean, I think we all know love comes from the heart. And passion is a spiritual connection between two beautiful people. Not a cheap handjob in a seedy massage parlor. I never have, I never will. I'd rather dream of someone special.

Toni - Flash FM: Hey there, baby, I love pop music! I can tell you, it reminds me that everything is young and disposable. Teri wouldn't know that.

Teri: Ugh, I'm 25!

Toni - Flash FM: And 25 is, like, the new 40. Like, oh my God, you might die any moment! You're going grey.

Toni - Flash FM: Man, I ,like, dig this place! Like, the T-shirt says "I Heart Vice City." Man, I ,like, so "Heart" this place! It's pretty bitchin'! I get laid a lot.

Teri: No, you don't. It means "I Love Vice City." It's symbolic, as in, "I'd Heart Your Ugly Face Getting Run Over By An 18-Wheeler, You Tramp?"

Teri: Man, I ,like, dig this place! Like, the T-shirt says "I Heart Vice City." Man, I ,like, so "Heart" this place! It's pretty bitchin'! I get laid a lot.

Toni - Flash FM: No, you don't. It means "I Love Vice City." It's symbolic, as in, "I'd Heart Your Ugly Face Getting Run Over By An 18-Wheeler, You Tramp?"

Toni - Flash FM: Synthesizers are like teen boys. You just wanna play with them late at night and then go back to sleep on the bus next morning.

Teri: What are you talking about, Toni?

Toni - Flash FM: I'm talking about music and infidelity and smoking cigarettes while riding on the back of a motorcycle. Something you wouldn't know anything about. I'm talking about life, pop music, narcotics. Oh God, I'm, like, sweating now! I feel like this is really my time in the universe and I'll never stop chasing those dreams!

Teri: Music is like friends that come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant. And busboys tend to be illegal immigrants and hot! That's what I'm talking about. If it's illegal and hot, bring it on! What's a girl to do?

Toni - Flash FM: If you weren't bleeding out your nose, maybe you'd actually get laid.

Betty Freely: My name is Betty Feely. I worked as a manager at American Motors for 18 years. Now I'm on welfare, turning tricks! All because you bought a foreign car, you son of a bitch!

Announcer: This month, celebrate American diplomacy and take a mallet to a Maibatsu. It's a campaign that dates back to colonial times, when we told the Brits to shove their tea up their limey asses and show them the American spirit by drinking moonshine and killing natives instead. Stop the invasion of foreign goods or you'll wake up speaking a different language, working for a foreign boss, while your wife takes a foreign lover.

Japanese Man: I fuck your fat American wife! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Announcer: Stay free. Buy American goods. It's a trade war. We nuked these bastards. Now let's give it to them economically, as well. Brought to you by the Buy American Coalition.

Flash FM Imaging Singer: Another song we're paid to play.

Flash FM Imaging Singer: We hate singing this shit, but out record deal fell through. It's Flash FM.

Sam Hall: My name is, uh, Sam Hall. I worked at American Motors for 22 years. Now, I'm a jobless divorcée.

Kid: My daddy's name is David Adams. He got laid off from American Motors. Then he got drunk and killed mommy!

Announcer: Staying free is about more than going into record debt, making weapons that could liquidize the world or financing the overthrow of Central American countries. It's about the little things you can do everyday to help. But these days, there's a new menace.

Japanese Man: Hello, lazy Americans! Your American cars are terrible! Soon, all Americans buy Japanese cars! Ha, ha, ha! You on food stamps now!

Announcer: This month, celebrate American diplomacy and take a mallet to a Maibatsu. Stay free. Buy American goods. Brought to you by the Buy American Coalition

Jeremy Robard: How long has it been since you've gone at top speed in a powerboat with two blondes in bikinis? Well that's too long. Hi, I'm Jeremy Robard with some important information about masculinity and you. In today's times with women working in the office and men wearing pastels, pinks and eye shadow, it's vital you reaffirm your masculinity at every opportunity. Are you wasting away in an office, going bald and entertaining yourself by dropping pencils so your fat secretary bends over? You could be in the money, living an adventure. Take on the hottest, most prestigious profession of today: International Trade. It's a man's occupation, it's a career and it's an opportunity, all at once. All you have to do is lease one of our high-speed boats. No money down, no credit check and you'll be hauling glamorous international cargo in no time. And you don't have to go very far. Only about six miles off-shore to collect our special cargo and bring it back. It's as easy as 1-2-3, all at high speed. Like a man. Hey, if you love the ocean, partying, and genuine capitalism, the import/export business is for you. If you're ready to step into the future of masculinity, come see me, Jeremy Robard, at Robard's Import/Export in Viceport.

Jack Howitzer: [the station plays Foreigner's "I Wanna Know What Love Is"] Hi, this is Jack Howitzer. I wanna know what love is and I want you to show me... Or I'll slit your throat.

Jerry Martinez: Listen, if plans change, I'll let you know.

[Hands Vic a pager]

Victor 'Vic' Vance: What's this?

Jerry Martinez: It's a pager, tough guy. Welcome to the 80's, Vic.

Lance Vance: I'm just too pretty to die!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [Shooting someone] You have one last chance to shit yourself.

Lance Vance: Hey, bro! Ha, ha!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Lance?

Lance Vance: Hey!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: What are you doing here?

Lance Vance: You don't sound so pleased!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: I'm not so pleased.

Lance Vance: Thanks, bro. Who was you expecting? What a greeting, man.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Not you. Someone useful.

Lance Vance: So, what am I? A handicap, huh? Your dumbass, lowlife, no-good brother?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Something like that.

Lance Vance: Yeah? Well, I'm not the one who got kicked out of the Army.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: No, you're the asshole who got kicked out of the Boy Scouts.

Lance Vance: Oh, come on, man. I come all this way to see you and you treat me like I got herpes.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Maybe that's because your whole life, you've gotten us into trouble.

Lance Vance: Oh, give me a break, man! I've changed!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [pause] Okay, I'll give you a chance. One chance!

Lance Vance: Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey, come here, man!

[Hugs Vic]

Lance Vance: You won't regret it, baby! I love you, man! And love can change the world. But Vic...

Lance Vance: What?

Lance Vance: [In mock seriousness] I have got herpes.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [Pushes Lance away] Get off me, man! Just get in the damn car!

Lance Vance: Ha, ha, ha! I'm just kidding!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [Lance and Vic discover their mom took all their coke] So what do we do now, moron?

Lance Vance: Wait, wait, wait. Let me think. I know we can make it right! We'll just... uh, uh... We'll explain things to the Mendez brothers.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sure that between chopping us up and feeding us to their dogs, they'll be very understanding! Lance, if we get out of this, I'm gonna KILL YOU! Asshole!

Marty Williams: Okay, we're here. Now, get on in there and teach them idiots a lesson.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: You're not coming?

Marty Williams: Why would I employ a dog, then bark myself?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [shoots someone] Just another shit stain.

Couzin Ed: [to Lazlow] You're part wimp, part pussy. That's a wuss, and that's you, my friend!

Lionel Makepiece: Let's all reach into our pockets, whip it out, hold it in our hand, and look at it in disgust. I'm talking about the Emotion Frequent Crier Card. Get it punched at any family planning clinic or Ammu-Nation. Guns and crying... they go together.

Adam First: [as "How to Be a Millionaire" by ABC starts playing] As a keen hang-glider and a fan of right-wing politics and kicker boots, I find this next song particularly disturbing.

Adam First: [after the song] That was ABC. "How to Be A Millionaire." I already know how. And it involves robots. Lots and lots of robots.

Radio Espantoso Caller: Hector Hernandez?

Hector Hernandez: Si.

Radio Espantoso Caller: THE Hector Hernandez?

Hector Hernandez: That's me!

Radio Espantoso Caller: Ha-ha-ha! You're a failed actor! You were terrible in your last show. "The Rich Cry Less"? They killed off your bullfighter character. You had a horn stuck in your ass! You suck, man!

Hector Hernandez: Nonsense! Uh... more music!

Lance Vance: I'm the black killa from Manila! The Manila Blilla!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: You're a blidiot. Now shut up.

VRock Voice: The vulture is back and he's carpet bombing Vice City! V-Rock keeps passing out the prizes with the Vulture Prize Patrol. Tell Vice City you're a rebel. All you need to do is pick up your V-Rock window sticker, place it on your car window. And you'll not only let everyone know what kind of music you like, you'll set the record straight on your sexuality once and for all.

Jerry Martinez: Hey, look who it is! Victor Vance! What's going on, amigo? You want some smoke?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Fuck you, Martinez.

Jerry Martinez: Relax! You're so fucking histrionic. It's like hanging out with a bitch on her period.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: You want me to fuck you up?!

Jerry Martinez: Whatever, baby. The thing is, you work for Phil. And Phil - Phil works for me. Which makes you my bitch's bitch. Figure that out.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: I'm looking for someone called Reni.

[Frankie points out Reni, who raises his/her arms]

Frankie: Ta-daa.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Uh, yeah... Spitz said you might want something?

Reni Wassulmaier: Something? Ah! Cocaine! Darling, I want cocaine! Mummy wants some snort and she wants it now! You must be the cocaine man. Frankie, the cocaine man is here!

[Reni and Frankie both jump excitedly]

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [sarcastically] Hey! You think you can say it any louder? I don't think they heard you in Cuba.

Reni Wassulmaier: Oh, you fucking square. It's only a bit of snow. It's nineteen-eighty-fucking-four, darling. Everyone is on cocaine!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Whatever you say, mister... uh... lady... err...

Reni Wassulmaier: Oh, darling, I'm a little bit of everything. I'm universal. Reni Wassulmaier. But you, angel, you're unique. Can I film you undressing?

[Reni introduces Vic and Barry to each other.]

Reni Wassulmaier: Darling, this is darling. Darling, darling. Wunderbar. So now we are acquainted, no? Who wants to oompah?

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [to Barry] Uh, I'm Vic.

Barry: Alright? Barry, mate.

Armando Mendez: So, you are finished.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Yeah.

Armando Mendez: Diego, they are finished.

Diego Mendez: Buenos.

Armando Mendez: And none of us dead. The civilized life of gentlemen. We have our money, so you are free. You must leave town, of course, and give us control of your other interests.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: What?

Armando Mendez: But you, your families, no one will die. This is fair.

Lance Vance: Fair? Oh, yeah, if you think getting screwed in the ass and then paying for it is fair, then it sounds like a great deal.

Armando Mendez: I find your attitude and your language terribly distasteful.

Diego Mendez: Maricon...

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Hey, hold on, hold on, listen, Mr. Mendez. Listen, I... WE have done a lot of things for you. We kept up our end of the bargain, and now you want us to give up our interests?

Armando Mendez: You came to my town, you run around like a maniac, you bring the police and the DEA into my life, and now I want you gone. You're very lucky you're not dead.

Lance Vance: Argh...

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Hey, listen, I made a ton of money for you. Money I didn't lose.

Armando Mendez: And now... you're done.

Lance Vance: Aw...

Armando Mendez: You're obsolete.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Reni, hey, what's wrong?

Reni Wassulmaier: Darling, he wants me dead!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Who?

Reni Wassulmaier: Diego Mendez, that's who.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Why?

Reni Wassulmaier: Because I put you in contact with Ricardo Diaz; said it was disloyal of me. Not as disloyal as him two-timing me with that tramp.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: Whoa, wait, you guys were an item?

Reni Wassulmaier: Yes, but I could not deal with him. He talked too much. Beat me, Reni. Spank me, Reni. Blow coke up my ass, Reni. It was too goddamn much.

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [laughs] Diego Mendez?


Victor 'Vic' Vance: Jeez...

Reni Wassulmaier: So now I must go to Dr. Horowitz. He's a genius. Tomorrow, new Reni!

Victor 'Vic' Vance: [sighs] You're not having another sex change?

Reni Wassulmaier: I only have three.

Lance Vance: One more Lance Vance Chance!

Vic Vance: Laaaance, you prick!

Vic Vance: Hey, watch the road!

Lance Vance: [Both scream in unison after Lance hits a jump] OH, SHIIIIIIIIIIT!


Victor 'Vic' Vance: You can stay with Lance, mom - but i don't want any trouble. I've got enough horse shit dealing with him.