- Dracula: [against the window of an airplane, sees a Twilight movie playing] This is how we're represented, unbelievable.
- Jonathan: Uh, can I just ask? What exactly is this place?
- Dracula: What is this place? It's a place I built, for all those monsters out there lurking in the shadows. Hiding from the persecution of human kind. A for them and their families to come to and be themselves. A void of torches, pitchforks, angry mobs. A place of peace, relaxation, and tranquility.
- Jonathan: Cool, so it's like a hotel for monsters?
- Dracula: [irritated] Yes, exactly. A hotel for monsters, way to sum it up.
- Gremlin Lady: Excuse me. One of your piranhas in the lake is very rude. He ate my sister-in-law.
- Wayne: [Drac, Wayne, Murray, Griffin and Frank are driving and come across a flock of sheep. Wayne, unseen, runs out of the car and eats all the sheep so that they can proceed] What? Now there's no sheep in the road. Let's go.
- Murray: That was pretty sick, man.
- Wayne: You eat lamb chops, it's the same thing.
- Dracula: [Runs after Quasimodo to rescue Jonathan, but is stopped by Mavis] Mavis? Why are you still up? The sun is out. It could kill you, my honey-gut.
- Mavis: I couldn't sleep. You know where Jonny went?
- Dracula: I don't know. He -
- [Turns around & eyes her down angrily]
- Dracula: Why do you want know?
- Mavis: Oh! Uh,
- Dracula: Listen to me, you are never to return here. Your are to stay away and tell no humans about this place. Or I will track you down, and suck every ounce of blood from you body, until you look like a deflated whoopee cushion!
- Dracula: I know I lied. I was wrong. But you have to believe this: Johnny wasn't a bad guy. The truth is, I don't know if humans are bad anymore. Frank, come on, buddy. You understand.
- Eunice: He's not talking to you. First you tell us humans are bad, now they're good, what else? Up is down, cold is hot, gremlins don't smell.
- Gremlin Man: Hey!
- Dracula: [Dracula reading a tale book to little Mavis in the bed] And then the monsters ran away and were forced into hiding. But Harry the Human found them and jumped out from under their bed.
- Young Mavis: [Mavis hides the bedding] I'm scared!
- Dracula: And burned their clothes, and bit their toes!
- [Dracula seeks bedding and not seen little Mavis]
- Dracula: And took their candy!
- [Dracula looks down little Mavis in the bedroom's hide]
- Young Mavis: Don't take my candy.
- Dracula: Babyclaws, you don't need to be frightened. I promised your mommy I would protect you forever.
- [first lines]
- Dracula: Peek-a-boo!
- Baby Mavis: [crying]
- Dracula: No, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean to starle you, my little baby. Shh, shh, shh.
- Dracula: [Dracula singing to baby Mavis] Hush, little vampire, don't say a word / Papa's gonna bite the head off a bird
- Dracula: A-bitty-goo-bah! I vant to kiss your *tush.*
- [Dracula kissing tush to baby Mavis and changes the diaper]
- Dracula: I vant to kiss your *tush!*
- Wayne: [as his many children are in the process of destroying the hotel lobby] Hey, kids, reel it in! You're only supposed to make mom and dad miserable!
- Murray: [to his female mummy friend after Frankenstein's flatulence is blown into the fireplace creating a large explosion] I was NOT the cause of that!
- Jonathan: Whoa check out the view from up here , you can almost see all the way to Budapest .
- Mavis: Who da pest ? is that anywhere near Ha wifi ?
- Jonathan: Huh? oh you mean Hawaii , I just went to a music festival there .
- Mavis: A human music festival ?
- Jonathan: I believe so .
- Mavis: Did they shove garlic bread in your face and try to bite your toes ?
- Wanda: [to Mavis] Okay, honey, be safe. Bring warm clothes and a sword.
- Griffin: And look out for pitchforks.
- Murray: Don't you let anyone scoop your brains out, either.
- Wayne: Maybe stay in the shadows. lt's more fun to just observe from under a house.
- Frankenstein: Guys, guys. She can handle it. She's a Dracula, for Pete's sake. But seriously, watch out for fire. Fire bad.
- Frankenstein: [points at Johnny] Who is that?
- Jonathan: [whispering to Drac] Are these monsters gonna kill me?
- Dracula: [whispering to Johnny] Not as long as they think you're a monster.
- Jonathan: Huh? That's kinda racist.
- Dracula: We'll talk later.
- [Johnny is imitating Frank]
- Frankenstein: [to Drac about Johnny] Is... is he making fun of me?
- Dracula: No, no! Of course not, because he's...
- [stops Johnny from imitating]
- Mavis: He's your cousin. Johnny-stein.
- Frankenstein: I don't have no cousin.
- Dracula: No, no, you do. He's your sixth cousin, three times removed.
- Jonathan: [holds up his right arm] On your right arm's side.
- Frankenstein: [to his right arm] You have a cousin?
- Dracula: Frank, if your arm can talk, it would tell you that the original owner of your arm had a brother...
- Jonathan: ...Who married a woman...
- Dracula: ...Who was...
- [makes killing gesture]
- Jonathan: ...For strangling a pig.
- Frankenstein: I have pig strangling blood in my arm? That's kinda cool.
- [to Johnny]
- Frankenstein: Well, Cuz, great to meetcha.