Steve Bartowski: Aces, Charles.
Sarah Walker: Okay, fine, I'll answer one question about my past. You've earned that much.
Chuck Bartowski: ...No thanks. I don't need to know more about who you were. 'Cause as much as you don't think so, I know who you are: a girl I'd like to share a cheeseburger with. Should I get a knife? I'll get a knife.
Sarah Walker: That won't be necessary.
[Sarah rolls up one of her pant legs, pulls out a knife and gives it to Chuck]
Chuck Bartowski: That's... awesome! And a little disturbing.
Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: That's awesome.
Sarah Walker: What about me?
Chuck Bartowski: [chuckles] You're really going to make me say it.
Chuck Bartowski: Wow, okay. Fine. All right we'll play it your way... A girl like you, or more appropriately, a *woman* like you. Considering the fact that you could probably kick the ass of everyone in this joint. And a smart one too. Not to mention, cool... and extremely beautiful. And - and - you can stop me any time with the compliments if they're becoming... you know...
Sarah Walker: No, that's very... sweet.
Chuck Bartowski: "Sweet?" Golly gee, thanks for making me feel like I'm 8.
Sarah Walker: [slight chuckle] You're not so bad yourself.
Chuck Bartowski: [sarcastically] Please. I'm fantastic.
Sarah Walker: [seriously] Yeah. You are.
Chuck Bartowski: You want to go on a date with me some time? I mean a date without aliases, and spy gear, and no mission.
Sarah Walker: Like a *real* date?
Chuck Bartowski: Yeah.
Sarah Walker: Chuck,
[clears throat checks to make sure no one is listening]
Sarah Walker: I'm still a CIA agent. And there are a hundred reasons why I shouldn't do that.
Chuck Bartowski: What do you have to lose? In a week, you're going to be undercover somewhere in some place like Jakarta, in a knife fight with some evil doer and in that exact moment you're going to wish you would have spent one night of fun with me.
Sarah Walker: ...Okay.
John Casey: [to Chuck after Sarah spills wine on Chuck's pants] Not the first American tax dollars wasted on a man's lap.
Chuck Bartowski: Excuse me. I'm sorry, General. But who in my life *isn't* a spy? My sister? My best friend? Should I just start asking people when I first meet them, "Hi I'd like the extra value meal, and while we're on the topic, do you covertly work for a government faction?"
Ellie Bartowski: What about you any revelations? Any ideas what you'll do next?
Chuck Bartowski: Uh, yeah, a few.
Ellie Bartowski: If you say pilot the Millennium Falcon, I *will* hit you.
Chuck Bartowski: Uh, why would I say that? That's absurd. I'm going to be a ninja assasin.
Ellie Bartowski: No! Try again.
Chuck Bartowski: Um. Olympic...
Ellie Bartowski: Uh uh.
Chuck Bartowski: [slight pause] Secret Agent.
Ellie Bartowski: This is what happens when you sit in front of the television set too long.
Chuck Bartowski: I'm just too trusting. Ever since I was a kid, I really wanted to believe what everyone else told me, you know? I'm just getting used to this new job, with the spying and lying.
Sarah Walker: Don't get used to it. What makes you special is that you're not like every other spy. You're a good guy and you want to help people. Leave the deception to me.
Chuck Bartowski: [mimicking Casey's voice] Well thanks for saving my life today, Chuck.
Chuck Bartowski: Any time, Casey. Yeah, you know what you're my friend.
Chuck Bartowski: [mimicking Casey's voice] Yeah you're my friend too.
Chuck Bartowski: That's really kind of you, Casey. Have a good night.
John Casey: [seriously] Thank you.
John Casey: [after discovering that Devon has broken into his apartment] I hate this whole family.
Chuck Bartowski: Guys... I know kung fu.
Chuck Bartowski: Look something's wrong with me. I don't know what, but something is very, very wrong with me. I'm remembering things I shouldn't know.
Sarah Walker: Talk to me, Chuck, like what?
Chuck Bartowski: I don't know, I don't know... Like there was a Serbian demolitions expert at the Large Mart today. don't you think that's a little odd?
John Casey: Sure thing, Chuck. I'll just call all the criminals and rogue spies and let them know to hold on a second because Chuck Bartowski needs to sort out his lady feelings.
Chuck Bartowski: The guy is a total loser, all right. Absolute bottom feeding scum of the Earth. Have I mentioned considerably *older* man!
Jack Burton: [from behind] All true, but I'm a hell of a dancer.
Sarah Walker: Chuck, I'd like you to meet my *dad*, Jack Burton. Dad, this is my boyfriend, Chuck.
Chuck Bartowski: [clears throat] A real pleasure, sir.
Chuck Bartowski: But it's - it's Christmas. Look I'm not buying the whole Scrooge act. Underneath that spy cover is a regular person, just like the rest of us. I mean honestly, how weird could Christmas have been for you?
Sarah Walker: Christmas at the Burton household meant the annual Salvation Army con job.
Chuck Bartowski: Okay, you're a little different than the rest of us.
Lester Patel: Yeah, sure it's going to blow their minds, but uh, where does all this *lead*? Stadium, groupies, creative differences? And then what? Jeffster breaks up? That's you and me, Jeff! And then what's my fate? Some chambermaid finds me in some hotel room having accidentally asphyxiated while making love to myself! It's not worth it!
[Storms out. Jeff turns and faces Ellie and Awesome]
Jeff Barnes: He's such a tortured artist.
Sarah Walker: No, I get it he's your best friend.
Chuck Bartowski: You know you say that, but I don't think you have a clue what it means. Sarah, I don't have parents. I don't really talk about it because that's the way things are now. But it wasn't always this way. Morgan was there the first day my mom took off. He didn't say much. Because honestly what's a fifth grader supposed to say? But we sat there and split a cherry cheesecake and played Legend of Zelda all night long. And my dad, well that's - that's a whole other story. But Morgan was there for that too. Morgan is more than just my best friend. He's my family! Before you got here, and long after you've gone, Morgan is my family!
Sarah Walker: ...Last night we failed to learn the contents of the Triad's container. And now we don't know what kind of drugs or weapons are floating around the city. And while I appreciate your friendship with Morgan. Losing sight of that container endangers many people's best friends, not just yours Chuck.
Chuck Bartowski: [pointing a gun at Casey] I know what I'm doing.
John Casey: You have no idea. You're entering a world of pain, Chuck.
Chuck Bartowski: I want this Intersect out of my head. Are you going to help me or not?
John Casey: You gotta be... is that a tranq gun? You don't even have the common courtesy to threaten me with an actual firearm!
Chuck Bartowski: I've spent the last year of my life being tortured, dangled off skyscrapers, bathed in sewage. Stop me if I've forgotten any glamorous perks of this job. I've continually done everything that you guys have asked me to do. But once my dad gets kidnapped, all you can say is "Sorry?"
John Casey: Bartowski, you're like the poster child for friendly fire.
Chuck Bartowski: Dad's going to walk you down the aisle.
Ellie Bartowski: You can't... say that Chuck. I know you want that for me, but we haven't heard from him in a really long time.
Chuck Bartowski: Yeah well, I'm going to find him. I'm a smart guy, I can do that. And when he hears about the wedding, he'll be here for you.
Ellie Bartowski: Come on. You really think he'll make it?
Chuck Bartowski: I guarantee it.
Jeff Barnes: If I could travel in time, I'd go to Lester's birth. I'd love to see the look on your face when you emerge from the vaginal canal.
Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: I know you guys work at Buy More, but I'm a doctor, okay? I take risks every day. This is a matter of life or death. Someone needs to man up and take action. Someone needs to be a hero.
Ellie Bartowski: No they don't, Devon. Being a hero is being alive to take care of friends and family.
Chuck Bartowski: Casey, I'm handcuffed.
John Casey: Relax, handcuffs are a cinch.
Chuck Bartowski: Really?
John Casey: Yeah, there's a bone in your thumb. Tiny bone. Real easy to break. What you're gonna wanna do is apply torsional pressure until it snaps.
Chuck Bartowski: I'm not going to break my bone!
John Casey: Well in that case, you are screwed!