The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

Jordan Belfort : Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I have been a rich man and I have been a poor man. And I choose rich every fuckin' time. Because, at least as a rich man, when I have to face my problems, I show up in the back of the limo, wearing a $2000 suit and a $40,000 gold fuckin' watch.

Jordan Belfort : Brad, show them how it's done. Sell me that pen. Watch. Go on.

Brad : You want me to sell you this fucking pen?

Jordan Belfort : That's my boy right there. Can fucking sell anything.

Brad : Why don't you do me a favor. Write your name down on that napkin for me.

Jordan Belfort : I don't have a pen.

Brad : Exactly. Supply and demand, my friend.

[repeated line]

Jordan Belfort : Sell me this pen!

Jordan Belfort : My name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.

Jordan Belfort : I fucked her brains out... for eleven seconds.

Jordan Belfort : On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome. But of all the drugs under God's blue heaven, here is one that is my absolute favorite. See, enough of this shit will make you invincible - able to conquer the world. And eviscerate your enemies.

[Sniffs cocaine]

Jordan Belfort : And I'm not talking about this... I'm talking about this.

[Shows 100$]

Mark Hanna : The name of the game, moving the money from the client's pocket to your pocket.

Jordan Belfort : But if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?

Mark Hanna : No.

Max Belfort : $430,000 in one month, Jordy. Huh?

Jordan Belfort : They're business expenses.

Max Belfort : Jordy, look what you've got here. Look at this! $26,000 for one fucking dinner!

Jordan Belfort : No, no, this can be explained. Dad, we had clients, Pfizer clients. Champagne.

Nicky Koskoff : The porterhouse from Argentina.

Jordan Belfort : Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.

[to Donnie]

Jordan Belfort : And you brought in all the sides... Tell him about the sides.

Donnie Azoff : I ordered the sides, so...

Max Belfort : Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?

Donnie Azoff : The sides did cure cancer, that's the problem, that's why they were so expensive.

Jordan Belfort : [bursting into laughter] Shut the fuck up!

Donnie Azoff : I'm serious.

Mark Hanna : You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?

Jordan Belfort : What? Do I jerk off? Yeah. Yeah, I jerk off. Yeah.

Mark Hanna : How many times a week?

Jordan Belfort : Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.

Mark Hanna : Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.

Jordan Belfort : Wow.

Mark Hanna : Once in the morning, right after I work out. And then once right after lunch.

Jordan Belfort : Really?

Mark Hanna : I want to. That's not why I do it. I do it cause I fuckin' need to.

Jordan Belfort : [Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie, this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.

Donnie Azoff : I can't untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin' tasered you!

Jordan Belfort : Why?

Donnie Azoff : Why? You were, like, screaming at people. You were on the floor rollin' around and shit.

Jordan Belfort : Oh, Jesus.

Donnie Azoff : You called the captain the n-word.

Jordan Belfort : I called the captain the n-word?

Donnie Azoff : Yeah, he was very upset.

Jordan Belfort : Really?

Donnie Azoff : Luckily we're in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.

Jordan Belfort : People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.

Donnie Azoff : Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.

Jordan Belfort : Is she like, a first cousin?

Donnie Azoff : Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.

Jordan Belfort : Oh my God! You had to deal with the Golf Course people too! What a greek tragedy! Honey oh my God!, you probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden, and actually had to do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day? Huh? Cause I can't keep track of your professions honey! Last month you were a wine connoisseur, and now you're an aspiring landscape architect, Isn't that right?

Naomi Lapaglia : Fuck you!

Jordan Belfort : Don't you dare throw that fucking water on me! Don't you fucking dare!

Jordan Belfort : [to the waiter] Oh, I'm good with water for now.

Mark Hanna : It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.

Jordan Belfort : [throwing money at the FBI agents] Fun coupons!

Jordan Belfort : [in thoughts] What I'm asking, you Swiss dick, is are you going to fuck me over?

Jean Jacques Saurel : [also in thoughts] I understand perfectly, you American shit.

Jean Jacques Saurel : Ça depend.

Jordan Belfort : Ça depend on what exactly?

Jean Jacques Saurel : Whether America plans to invade Switzerland in the upcoming months.

Jordan Belfort : I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.

Donnie Azoff : Shit with me?

Jordan Belfort : You know, just... people say shit. I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.

Donnie Azoff : What do they say?

Jordan Belfort : Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...

Donnie Azoff : No... it's not like that. It's not like that.

Jordan Belfort : You know what I mean? Like you married your cousin or some stupid shit, you know?

Donnie Azoff : Yeah, my wife... yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever. But it's not like what you think or whatever, you know...

Jordan Belfort : Is she like a... first cousin, or is she...

Donnie Azoff : Yeah, no. She... you know, her... her father is the... is the brother of my mom.

Jordan Belfort : Mhm.

Donnie Azoff : It's not like... Look. We grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know. She fuckin' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to fuck her, you know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna let someone, you know, one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'm not gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone is gonna fuck my cousin it's gonna be me, out of... out of respect, you know?

Jordan Belfort : No, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not afraid of like the whole kid thing, right? Like the whole...

Donnie Azoff : What, if the kid's retarded?

Jordan Belfort : Yeah.

Donnie Azoff : No, we have two kids.

Jordan Belfort : And they're... I mean, I don't want to get personal or anything, but are they okay?

Donnie Azoff : No, they're not retarded or anything like that...

Jordan Belfort : But there's a big chance, right? The whole...

Donnie Azoff : Yeah, there's like a 60 percent, you know... 60, 65 percent chance the kid's gonna be fuckin' retarded or whatever...

Jordan Belfort : That'd scare the shit out of me, buddy.

Donnie Azoff : Look, man... a lot of having a kid or whatever takes risk, whether you're fuckin' cousins or not, you know...

Jordan Belfort : What if... what if you... I mean, what if something like that happened?

Donnie Azoff : Well, basically, you know, if the kid was retarded I would... I would, you know, drive it up to the country and just like, you know, open the door and let it... say "You're free now!" You know? Like, "Run free!" You know?

Jordan Belfort : I am not gonna die sober!

Jordan Belfort : You want a beer, pal?

Donnie Azoff : What are you drinkin'?

Jordan Belfort : I got this non-alcoholic shit...

Donnie Azoff : What's that?

Jordan Belfort : It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.

Donnie Azoff : It's a beer?

Jordan Belfort : Yeah, with no alcohol.

Donnie Azoff : But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you fucked up?

Jordan Belfort : No, there's no alcohol. That's the fuckin' point.

Donnie Azoff : I'm not a scientist; I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want fuckin' beer.

Jordan Belfort : I know, but I don't drink, remember? I don't drink anymore.

Donnie Azoff : What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting fucked up. I love it.

Jordan Belfort : Yeah...

Donnie Azoff : How's being sober?

Jordan Belfort : It fuckin' sucks.

Donnie Azoff : Boring, right?

Jordan Belfort : So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.

Jordan Belfort : [narrating to the camera] An I.P.O. is an initial public offering. It's the first time a stock is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price then sold those shares right back to our friends. Yet...

[stops and chuckles]

Jordan Belfort : Look, I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's... that's okay, that doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely fucking not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.

Donnie Azoff : Jesus Christ, I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.

Jordan Belfort : Where are the 'ludes'?

Donnie Azoff : They're up my ass. Don't worry about it, I got it.

Jordan Belfort : [sigh of relief] Thank God.

Donnie Azoff : How much money you make?

Jordan Belfort : $70,000 last month.

Donnie Azoff : Get the fuck outta here!

Jordan Belfort : Well, technically, $72,000 last month.

Donnie Azoff : You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.

[later, on the phone]

Donnie Azoff : Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey, listen, I quit!

Jordan Belfort : The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.

Jordan Belfort : [dubious] S-so if I, if I sell a stock at $10,000, my commission is 5,000 bucks.

Dwayne : If you sell $10,000 worth of this stock, I will personally give you a blowjob for free

[Jordan laughs]

Dwayne : ... and I hope it happens.

[both laugh]

Jordan Belfort : This right here is the land of opportunity. This is America. This is my home! The show goes on!

[quoting Norma Rae]

Jordan Belfort : They're gonna need to send in the National Guard to take me out, cos I ain't going nowhere!

Jordan Belfort : [holding his child] Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?

Naomi Lapaglia : Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.

Jordan Belfort : Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!

Naomi Lapaglia : Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.

Jordan Belfort : Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia : Yeah.

Naomi Lapaglia : [pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.

Jordan Belfort : Oh, gosh.

Jordan Belfort : See those little black boxes? They're called telephones. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about these telephones. They're not gonna dial themselves. Okay? Without you, they're just worthless hunks of plastic. Like a loaded M16 without a trained marine to pull the trigger.

Jordan Belfort : She designs women's panties too? Oh, my God!

Patrick Denham : Most of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust, they're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you... You, Jordan, you got this way all on your own.

Jordan Belfort : Did I?

Patrick Denham : Good for you, little man.

Jordan Belfort : Little man?

[laughs]

Jordan Belfort : Me, the little man?

Patrick Denham : Let me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.

Jordan Belfort : I bet it is.

Patrick Denham : And you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The fucking hero I'm gonna be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this fucking boat. Because, I mean, fuckety fuck fuck, Jordan, look at this thing! It's beautiful! And you got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.

Jordan Belfort : [laughing] All right, get the fuck off my boat.

Patrick Denham : I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.

Jordan Belfort : I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable, ugly fucking wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.

Jordan Belfort : My wife, Naomi, the Duchess of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. A former model and Miller Lite girl. Yeah. She was the one with my cock in her mouth in the Ferrari, so put your dick back in your pants.

Jordan Belfort : So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good, pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich!

Donnie Azoff : Jordan, it's fucking good, right? It's fucked up.

[laughing hysterically]

Jordan Belfort : GET OFF THE PHONE! GET OFF THE PHONE! FBI!

[swipes at Donnie]

Donnie Azoff : Hey! I'm on the phone!

Jordan Belfort : Donnie and I were going out on our own. And the first thing we needed was brokers. Guys with sales experience. So I recruited some of my home town boys. Sea Otter, who sold meat and weed. Chester, who sold tires and weed. And Robbie, who sold anything he can get his hands on, mostly weed. This is Brad, and Brad is the guy I really wanted. But he didn't go along with us. He was making so much money selling Quaaludes that he become the Quaalude King of Bayside.

Jordan Belfort : [when asked who is Captain Ahab] The book, motherfucker, the book!

Jordan Belfort : You wanna know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor on Wall street. "Fuck this, shit that. Cunt, cock, asshole." I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other! I was hooked in seconds. It was like mainlining adrenaline.

Naomi Lapaglia : Wake up, you piece of shit! Who's Venice?

Jordan Belfort : Who?

Naomi Lapaglia : Huh?

Jordan Belfort : Who? Who?

Naomi Lapaglia : Who? What are you, a fucking owl? Who is she? Some little hooker you were fucking last night?

Jordan Belfort : What the fuck are you talking about? No. No way, baby, no!

Naomi Lapaglia : You were calling her name in your sleep!

Jordan Belfort : Are you out of your fucking mind? I don't even know who Venice is. What the fuck does that even mean? Venice. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life!

[after flashback of sex with Venice]

Jordan Belfort : That's right. That's right, I forgot. Donnie and I were investing in a condominium complex in Venice. That's why all this confusion.

Naomi Lapaglia : Oh, you're investing in Italy?

Jordan Belfort : Not Italy. California, baby!

Naomi Lapaglia : Oh, California? You're a lying piece of shit!

Jordan Belfort : Duchess, baby, come on!

Naomi Lapaglia : Don't you fucking Duchess me! Don't you Duchess me! Do you really think that I don't know what you're up to? You're a father now, Jordan.

Jordan Belfort : Yeah! I know.

Naomi Lapaglia : You're a father now. And you're still acting like an infant!

[throws water in his face]

Jordan Belfort : FUCK! GODDAMN IT! Baby, you know you got real anger issues.

Naomi Lapaglia : Who is the one who flew in here at 3:00 in the morning on their stupid helicopter and woke up Skylar? That was you! Doesn't even matter to you! Does it even matter to you that I just had that driving range sodded with Bermuda grass, Jordan, and now you fucking wrecked it!

Jordan Belfort : Oh, Bermuda grass.

Naomi Lapaglia : No, you didn't research the whole thing and deal with the fucking golf course people!

Jordan Belfort : Oh my God! You had to deal with the gold course people, too! What a Greek tragedy honey! Oh my God! You probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden! And actually do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day, huh? Because I can't keep track of your professions, honey. Last month you were a wine connoisseur, now you're an aspiring landscape architect. Let me get that right.

Naomi Lapaglia : Fuck you!

Jordan Belfort : Don't fucking dare throw that fucking water at me. Don't you fucking dare.

Naomi Lapaglia : I want a divorce.

Jordan Belfort : What do you mean you want a divorce? What is that supposed to mean, you want a divorce?

Naomi Lapaglia : Get off me! I want a divorce. Get off.

Jordan Belfort : You just made love to me. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Naomi Lapaglia : I don't love you anymore, Jordan!

Jordan Belfort : Oh, you don't love me? You don't love me anymore, huh? Well isn't that just fucking convenient for you! Now that I'm under federal indictment with an electronic bracelet around my ankle, now you decide you don't fucking love me anymore. Is that right?

Naomi Lapaglia : No, no.

Jordan Belfort : What kind of person are you? Tell me.

Naomi Lapaglia : You married me!

Jordan Belfort : What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Naomi Lapaglia : Jordan, this is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna take custody of the kids. If you agree to the divorce right now, I will allow visitation. Okay? Don't try to fight it.

Jordan Belfort : Oh my God.

Naomi Lapaglia : It will save us both a lot of money and I got a feeling you're gonna need it.

Jordan Belfort : You're not taking my kids, sweetheart. You hear me?

Naomi Lapaglia : I've already talked to the lawyer. He said even if you don't get convicted I've got a good chance of getting them.

Jordan Belfort : I got news for you. You're not fucking taking my children you vicious fucking cunt, you!

[Naomi slaps Jordan and he slaps her back]

Jordan Belfort : Fuck you! You fucking bitch! You're not fucking taking my goddamn fucking kids! You hear me? Fuck you! You're not fucking taking my fucking kids! Fucking whore.

Naomi Lapaglia : [Sees Jordan snorting cocaine] Look at yourself, Jordan. You're sick! You're a sick man!

Jordan Belfort : Fuck you! I told you, you're not taking my fucking kids.

Naomi Lapaglia : You think I would let my kids near you? Look at yourself! You know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan! Twenty fucking years! You're never gonna see the kids again! No, I'm not fucking letting you near my kids!

Jordan Belfort : You don't think I'm gonna see my fucking kids again, huh?

Max Belfort : Jordy, one of these days the chickens are gonna come home to roost.

Jordan Belfort : You're lookin' at me like I'm crazy.

Max Belfort : Crazy? This is obscene!

Jordan Belfort : [voice over] It was obscene, in the normal world. I mean, who the fuck wanted to live there?

Naomi Lapaglia : Did you just cum?

Jordan Belfort : Oh yeah. I just came. Did you? Did you cum?

Naomi Lapaglia : No.

Jordan Belfort : No? OK. I'm still hard. Just give me a second.

Naomi Lapaglia : Sure.

[last lines]

Jordan Belfort : I'm not ashamed to admit it: my first time in prison, I was terrified. For a moment, I had forgotten I lived in a world where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to know how to sell it?

Jordan Belfort : Hello, John. How are you doing today? You mailed in my company a postcard a few weeks back, requesting information on penny stocks that had huge upside potential with very little downside risk. Does that ring a bell?

John : Yeah, I may have sent something.

Jordan Belfort : Okay, great. The reason for the call today, John, is something just came across my desk, John. It is perhaps the best thing I've seen in the last six months. If you have 60 seconds, I'd like to share the idea with you. You got a minute?

John : Actually, I'm really very...

Jordan Belfort : The name of the company, Aerotyne International. It is a cutting edge high-tech firm out of the Midwest, awaiting imminent patent approval on the next generation of radar detectors that have both huge military and civilian applications. Now, right now, John, the stock trades over-the-counter at 10 cents a share. And by the way, John, our analysts indicate it could go a heck of a lot higher than that. Your profit on a mere $6,000 investment could be upwards of $60,000!

John : Jesus! That's my mortgage, man.

Jordan Belfort : Exactly. You could pay off your mortgage.

John : This stock will pay off my house?

Jordan Belfort : John, one thing I can promise you, even in this market, is that I never ask my clients to judge me on my winners. I ask them to judge me on my losers, because I have so few. And in the case of Aerotyne, based on every technical factor out there, John, we are looking at a grand slam home run.

John : Okay, let's do it. I'll do four grand.

Jordan Belfort : $4,000? That'd be 40,000 shares, John. Let me lock in that trade right now and get back to you with my secretary with an exact confirmation. Sound good, John?

John : Yeah, sounds good.

Jordan Belfort : Great. Hey, John. Thank you for your vote of confidence and welcome to the Investor's Center.

Jordan Belfort : After 15 years in storage, the lemmons had developed a delayed fuse. It took 90 minutes for these fuckers to kick in but once they did, *pow.* And I had skipped the tingle phase and jumped straight to the drool phase. These little bastards were so strong I had discovered a whole new phase. The Cerebral Palsy phase.

Mark Hanna : Number one rule of Wall Street. Nobody - and I don't care if you're Warren Buffet or if you're Jimmy Buffet - nobody knows if a stock is going to go up, down, sideways or in circles. You know what a fugazi is?

Jordan Belfort : Fugayzi, it's a fake.

Mark Hanna : Fugayzi, fugazi. It's a whazy. It's a woozie. It's fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's never landed. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not fucking real.

Jordan Belfort : Even though I own 85% of Steve Cocksucking Motherfucking Madden Shoes, the shares were in his fucking name!

Jordan Belfort : [Furious about newspaper article] That conniving twat! Look at this! The wolf of Wall Street they call me! Look!

Teresa Petrillo : There is no such thing as bad publicity. Your hair looks good.

Patrick Denham : I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.

Jordan Belfort : I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable ugly fuckin' wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.

Jordan Belfort : Every person around here, they want to get rich and they want to get rich quickly. They all want something for nothing.

Alden Kupferberg : There was this one time I was selling pot to this Amish dude. You know those guys who got like the beard with, like, no mustache or some bullshit? Well, he says that he only wants to make furniture.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead') : I don't understand

Jordan Belfort : What the fuck are you talking about?

Alden Kupferberg : I'm not putting words in your mouth or nothing, but you just said that everybody wants to get rich.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead') : Holy fuck, you did just say that.

Jordan Belfort : What the fuck are you talking about?

Alden Kupferberg : Yeah, like Buddhists. They don't give a shit about money. They're wrapped in sheets. They're not buying shit.

Jordan Belfort : I'm not talking about Buddhists or Amish. I'm talking about normal people, working-class everyday people. Everyone wants to get rich. Am I crazy?

Chester Ming : There's no such thing as an Amish Buddhist. I'm pretty fucking sure.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead') : There could be.

Jordan Belfort : Do you guys not want to make money?

Alden Kupferberg : [All at once] I want to make money.

Mark Hanna : You jerk off?

Jordan Belfort : Do I... Do I I jerk off? Yeah, yeah I jerk off. Yeah.

Mark Hanna : How many times a week?

Jordan Belfort : Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.

Mark Hanna : Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.

Jordan Belfort : Wow.

Mark Hanna : Once in the morning, right after I work out, then once right after lunch.

Jordan Belfort : Really?

Mark Hanna : I want to. That's not why I do it. I do it 'cause I fucking *need* to. Think about it. You're dealing with numbers. All day long, decimal points, high frequencies. Bang, bang, bang.

[imitates squeaking]

Mark Hanna : fucking digits. All very acidic above-the-shoulders mustard shit. All right? It kind of wigs some people out. Right? You gotta feed the geese to keep the blood flowing. I keep the rhythm below the belt.

Jordan Belfort : Done.

Mark Hanna : This is not a tip, this is a prescription. Trust me. If you don't, you will fall out of balance, split your differential and tip the fuck over. Or worse yet, I've seen this happen, implode.

Jordan Belfort : No, I don't wanna implode, sir.

Mark Hanna : No. No, you don't.

Jordan Belfort : I'm in this for the long run, you know?

Mark Hanna : Implosions are ugly. Pop off to the bathroom, work one out any time you can. When you get really good at it, you'll fucking be stroking and you'll be thinking about money.

Jordan Belfort : [on getting arrested] I'm sober for two years, stopped my drugs, settled down with my wife and kids, and then this happens! Rugrat gets busted down in Miami, and guess who happens to be with him? Saurel! That's right, out of all the Swiss bankers in Miami, it had to be him! Even more fucked, is that he got busted for shit that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me! Some stuff about running drugs with Rocky Aoki, you know, the founder of Benihana? Benihana... Beni-fucking-hana? BENI-FUCKING-HANA? WHY? WHY, GOD? Why would You be so cruel as to use the king of Japanese restaurants to take me down?

Jordan Belfort : [after shipwreck] The nice thing about being rescued by Italians is that they feed you, make you drink red wine, then you get to dance.

Jordan Belfort : Give me a kiss, sweetheart.

Naomi Lapaglia : Jordan.

Jordan Belfort : Oh come on, baby. I haven't made love to you in so long.

Naomi Lapaglia : No.

Jordan Belfort : Please.

Naomi Lapaglia : Jordan, stop it.

[Jordan continues kissing her]

Naomi Lapaglia : No! Jordan, stop it!

Jordan Belfort : [flashes to Jordan having sex with Naomi] I love you so much.

Naomi Lapaglia : I fucking hate you, Jordan! Get off me!

Jordan Belfort : No, baby. Don't do that. You know how much I love you, right? Stop that sweetie, please?

Naomi Lapaglia : [pauses] You wanna fuck me, Jordan? You wanna fuck me? Good. Go at it. Go ahead and fuck me. I want you to fuck me real hard. I want you to fuck me like it's the last fucking time. Come on.

Jordan Belfort : Babe, why you doing it like that?

Naomi Lapaglia : Because I want you to come for me, baby.

Jordan Belfort : Come on, baby.

Naomi Lapaglia : Come for me, baby. I want you to come for me like it's the last fucking time.

Jordan Belfort : Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia : Yeah! Come on, baby. Come for me. Come on, baby.

Jordan Belfort : Yeah? Want me to come for you?

Naomi Lapaglia : Yeah.

[Jordan forcefully finishes]

Jordan Belfort : Oh God! Oh!

[laughing]

Jordan Belfort : Oh baby. That was so fucking great.

Naomi Lapaglia : That was the last time.

Jordan Belfort : What do you mean, baby?

Naomi Lapaglia : I mean that was the last time we ever have sex.

Jordan Belfort : The Quaalude, or lude, as it is commonly referred to, was first synthesized in 1951 by an Indian doctor - that's dots, not feathers - as a sedative, and was prescribed to stressed-out housewives with sleep disorders. But pretty soon, somebody figured out that if you resisted the urge to sleep for just fifteen minutes, you got a pretty kick-ass high from it. Didn't take long for people to start abusing ludes, of course, and in 1982 the U.S. government "Schedule 1'd" them, along with the rest of the world. Which meant there was only a finite amount of these things left. No shit. You can't even buy them anymore. You people are all shit out of luck.

Donnie Azoff : You're a fucking pill dealer. I got five more just like you, bro.

Brad : Keep talking, you fucking piece of shit!

Donnie Azoff : And you know what else? You dress like shit, so fuck you!

Brad : Fucking motherfucker!

[knocks Donnie unconscious]

Jordan Belfort : Oh! Jesus!

Brad : How about that, faggot? Who's a faggot?

Jordan Belfort : [checks on Donnie] You okay? Hey, pal.

Jordan Belfort : [narration] Say what you will, but the Duchess did have style. She brought in a decorator, feng shui'd the whole place. She even hired a gay butler. This guy was smart, sophisticated, professional. Really, really great. Except for that one time.

Naomi Lapaglia : [Naomi walks in on a gay orgy] Oh my God!

Nicholas the Butler : Oh, hey. Is it Wednesday already? Uh, what the fuck! That is fucked up!

Naomi Lapaglia : [to Jordan after the incident] He must have thought we were still at the Hamptons this weekend, you know.

Jordan Belfort : Right, right. Where were they doing it, sweetheart? In the bedroom?

Naomi Lapaglia : They were everywhere! There were two guys over there on the table. There were more over here. There were four right here.

Jordan Belfort : Ugh! Are you fucking serious? Right there? Why didn't you tell me, sweetheart?

Naomi Lapaglia : Baby, it gets worse. After they left I checked the apartment.

Jordan Belfort : Look, I knew these guys weren't like Harvard MBAs. Robbie Feinberg, the Pinhead, took five years to finish high school. Alden Kupferberg, the Sea Otter, didn't even graduate. Chester Ming, the depraved China man, thought jujitsu was in Israel. Smartest of the bunch was Nicky Koskoff. He actually went to law school. I called him Rugrat because of his piece of shit hairpiece. Still, give them to me young, hungry, and stupid, and in no time, I'll make 'em rich.

Jordan Belfort : Mr. Hanna, you're able to do drugs during the day and then still function, still do your job?

Mark Hanna : How the fuck else are you supposed to do this job? Cocaine and hookers, my friend.

Naomi Lapaglia : So I was a little surprised you asked Christie for my number.

Jordan Belfort : Yeah? Why's that?

Naomi Lapaglia : Aren't you married?

Jordan Belfort : What? Married people can't have friends?

Naomi Lapaglia : We're gonna be friends?

Jordan Belfort : Yeah. Don't you wanna be my friend?

Naomi Lapaglia : We're not gonna be friends.

Jordan Belfort : So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich! All you have to do today is pick up that phone and speak the words that I have taught you. And I will make you richer than the most powerful CEO in the United States of fucking America!

Donnie Azoff : [raves at Brad] You're gonna knock whose fucking teeth in? Whose fucking teeth are you gonna knock in? I put the money on that fucking table, not you!

Jordan Belfort : He's got a gun, you fucking idiot!

Donnie Azoff : Fuck his gun!

Jordan Belfort : This is the greatest company in the world!

Jordan Belfort : [whispering] Donnie. Hold on baby. Donnie.

[yells]

Jordan Belfort : Donnie!

Donnie Azoff : What?

Jordan Belfort : Get the fucking ludes.

Donnie Azoff : I don't wanna die, Jordan! I did a lot of bad shit. I'm going to hell, Jordan! I fucked up! I fucked up so bad.

Jordan Belfort : Get the ludes downstairs!

Donnie Azoff : What are you saying?

Jordan Belfort : Fuck. Get the ludes!

Donnie Azoff : I can't go down there, Jordan. It's flooded! It's three feet of water down there.

Jordan Belfort : I will not die sober! Get those fucking ludes!

Naomi Lapaglia : Where's he going?

Jordan Belfort : Hold on, baby!

Naomi Lapaglia : Donnie! Is he fucking crazy?

Jordan Belfort : He's just warning everybody.

Captain Ted Beecham : Jesus Christ. Hold on! Get away from the window! Rogue wave!

[on radio]

Captain Ted Beecham : Mayday! This is Captain Ted Beecham aboard the yacht Naomi! We are going down!

Donnie Azoff : I got 'em!

Jordan Belfort : Give me one for the nerves!

Naomi Lapaglia : You're doing fucking drugs right now?

Captain Ted Beecham : This is a fucking mayday! We require immediate assistance!

Jordan Belfort : [narration] The nice thing about getting rescued by Italians is that they feed you, make you drink red wine, then you get to dance.

Jordan Belfort : [Sees a young broker cleaning his fishbowl] What the fuck is that kid doing? What's he doing?

Donnie Azoff : The biggest IPO in this firm's history, what the fuck is he doing?

Janet (Jordan's Assistant) : Is he... is he wearing a bowtie?

Donnie Azoff : [Approaches the guy] Hi, how you doing?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie : [timid] Good.

Donnie Azoff : You cleaning your fishbowl?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie : I just, I had a minute and I...

Donnie Azoff : You had a minute? And today, you needed to clean your fishbowl, today?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie : I finished my paperwork and I was, just had a couple minutes.

Donnie Azoff : Okay, nice to meet you.

[Pretends to walk away, but suddenly turns back]

Donnie Azoff : On new issue day? On cocksucking, motherfucking new issue day? This is what you do? Hey, everybody, listen up! This is what happens when you fuck with your pets on new issue day!

[Dangles the fish from the bowl by its tail and swallows it]

Donnie Azoff : Take your little bowtie... Get your shit, and get the fuck out of my office. You understand?

Jordan Belfort : Get the fuck out!

Donnie Azoff : Everybody on point! We are here to make money! Everybody on point!

Jordan Belfort : A real wolf pit, which is exactly how I liked it.

Jordan Belfort : Her pussy was like heroin to me. And it wasn't just about the sex either. Naomi and I got along. I mean, we had similar interests and shit.

Jordan Belfort : And in the case of the telephone, it's up to each and every one of you, my highly-trained Strattonites. My killers, my killers who will not take no for an answer. My fucking warriors, who will not hang up the phone until their client either buys *or fucking dies!*

Jordan Belfort : You be ferocious! You be relentless! You be telephone fucking terrorists! Now let's knock this motherfucker out of the park!

Jordan Belfort : [gets a wire] It wasn't even a choice.

Donnie Azoff : [masturbates to Naomi] Perfect...

Hildy Azoff : Donnie, what the fuck are you doing, you piece of shit?

[beats down Donnie]

Jordan Belfort : [to Naomi] You have to excuse my friend.

Naomi Lapaglia : Good morning, daddy. Where's my kiss?

Jordan Belfort : Hey, sweetheart! Does daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls, huh?

Naomi Lapaglia : Oh no. No, daddy doesn't even get to touch mommy for a very, very, very long time.

Jordan Belfort : Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room. He didn't mean any of it.

Naomi Lapaglia : Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on, it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.

Jordan Belfort : Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia : Yeah. In fact, she's decided to throw them all away.

[opens legs]

Naomi Lapaglia : So take a good look, daddy. You're gonna be seeing an awful lot of this around the house.

Jordan Belfort : Oh, baby. Yeah mommy.

Naomi Lapaglia : But no touching.

Jordan Belfort : Ow.

Naomi Lapaglia : What's wrong, daddy?

Jordan Belfort : Mmm, baby. Okay, mommy likes to play games with daddy. Mommy, have you ever noticed anything odd about Mr. Fuzzy Bear over there? His eyes seem to be a little bit odd, don't they? Yeah, there's something a little bit different about his eyes. Yes, I think it's true. Say hi, mommy!

[waves to security camera]

Jordan Belfort : Say hi to Rocco and Rocco! Say hi! Hi, fellas!

Naomi Lapaglia : Fuck you!

Jordan Belfort : [narration] Of all the fucking days, she chooses today to give me blue balls.

Naomi Lapaglia : Oh my God!

Jordan Belfort : Will you marry me?

Naomi Lapaglia : Oh my God.

Jordan Belfort : Is that a yes?

Naomi Lapaglia : Are you sure?

Jordan Belfort : Yeah I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure. Are you sure?

Naomi Lapaglia : Yeah!

Jordan Belfort : FYI boys, Danielle has promised to use this $10,000 for breast implants. She's already got C-cups, but now she wants FUCKIN' DOUBLE D'S!

Jordan Belfort : I'm not ashamed to admit it. When we arrived to prison, I was absolutely terrified. But I needn't have been. See, for a brief fleeting moment, I'd forgotten I was rich and I lived in a place where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to learn how to sell it?

Jordan Belfort : Fuck that motherfucker!

Donnie Azoff : I hate that fuckin' dog.

Jordan Belfort : Yeah, it's getting old and decrepit. It's startin' to shit in the house again.

Donnie Azoff : Me too.

Captain Ted Beecham : Hold on!

Jordan Belfort : What the fuck is going on out here?

Captain Ted Beecham : The jet skis just went overboard!

Jordan Belfort : Oh, Jesus Christ. Honey, you okay?

Captain Ted Beecham : The waves are 20 feet high and building!

Jordan Belfort : Turn around! Let's go the other fucking way!

Captain Ted Beecham : We can't! We'll get broad-sided and tip over.

Jordan Belfort : I am a master diver, you hear that? A master diver! No one's gonna fucking die! I got you, baby. I got you. Trust me, okay? I love you.

[kisses Naomi]

Jordan Belfort : I love you, baby. Just hold on tight.

Naomi Lapaglia : Okay!

Jordan Belfort : [in narration] So I was sellin' them shit, but the way I looked at it, the money was better off in my pocket.

Jordan Belfort : I felt horrible. Three days later, I filed for a divorce and moved Naomi into the apartment.

Jordan Belfort : Even more fucked was that he got busted for shit that had nothing to with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me. Something about laundering drug money through offshore boat racing and a guy named Rocky Aoki, you know the founder of Benihanna. Benihanna, Beni fucking hanna. Beni fucking hanna!. Why why why god, why would you be so cruel as to choose a chain of fucking hibachi restaurants to take me down!

Jordan Belfort : Gentlemen, welcome to Stratton Oakmont. You snooks will now be targeting the wealthiest 1% of Americans. We're talking about whales here, Moby fucking Dicks. And with this script, which is your new harpoon, I'm gonna teach each and every one of you to be Captain fucking Ahab.

Jordan Belfort : What we're gonna do is this: first we pitch 'em Disney, AT&T, IBM, blue chip stocks exclusive. Companies these people know. Once we sucker them in, we unload the dog shit.

Jordan Belfort : Money doesn't just buy you a better life - better food, better cars, better pussy - it also makes you a better person. You can give generously to the church or political party of your choice. You can save the fucking spotted owl with money.

Jordan Belfort : You know, every time someone rises up in this world, there's always gonna be some asshole trying to drag 'em down.

Jordan Belfort : So, Bay Ridge, that's near Staten Island, right?

Naomi Lapaglia : Brooklyn. Across the Verrazano's Bridge.

Jordan Belfort : Saturday Night Fever territory.

Naomi Lapaglia : That's right! Guinea Gulch. We call the Verrazano's Bridge the Guinea Gangplank.

Jordan Belfort : So, I presume you're Italian.

Naomi Lapaglia : On my Dad's side. I'm also Dutch, German, English. I'm a mutt.

Jordan Belfort : You're a mutt.

Naomi Lapaglia : Yeah. I still have family over there, though. In London. My Aunt Emma. She's the best. Very British, you know. She's a classy lady.

Jordan Belfort : That explains it then.

Naomi Lapaglia : Explains what?

Jordan Belfort : Explains you. I mean, you're a duchess right, the Duchess of Bay Ridge.

Jordan Belfort : Actually, the madness started on our very first day, when one of our brokers, Ben Jenner, christened the elevator by getting a blow job from the sales assistant. Her name was Pam and to her credit, she did have this amazing technique with this wild twisting jerk motion. About a month later, Donnie and I decided to double team her on a Saturday afternoon while our wives were out shopping for Christmas presents. Eventually Ben married her, which was pretty amazing, considering she blew every single guy in the office. Well, he got depressed and killed himself about three years later.

Jordan Belfort : This is our golden ticket to the fuckin' Chocolate Factory, right here. And I wanna meet Willy fuckin' Wonka, okay? I wanna be with the fuckin' Oompa Loompas!

Jordan Belfort : How do you say rathole in British?

Jordan Belfort : It turned out the British weren't too different from the Swiss. Money talks and bullshit takes the bus.

Jordan Belfort : [offers pen to Chester] You can sell anything? Sell that. Sell me that pen.

Chester Ming : Can I finish eating first? I haven't eaten all day.

Jordan Belfort : 25 grand to the first cocksucker to nail the bulls-eye!

Jordan Belfort : And if anyone here thinks I'm superficial or materialistic, go get a job at fucking McDonald's, 'cause that's where you fucking belong!

Jordan Belfort : But before you depart this room full of winners, I want you to take a good look at the person next to you. Go on. Because sometime in the not-so-distant future, you're gonna be pulling up at a red light, in your beat-up old fucking Pinto, and that person's gonna be pulling up right alongside you in their brand new Porsche. With their beautiful wife by their side, who's got big voluptuous tits. And who're you gonna be sitting next to? Some disgusting wildebeest with three days of razor-stubble, in a sleeveless muumuu, crammed in next to you in a carload full of groceries from the fucking Price Club. That's who you're gonna be sitting next to!

Jordan Belfort : It was a madhouse, a greed fest, with equal parts cocaine, testosterone, and body fluids. It got so bad, I had to declare the office a fuck-free zone between the hours of 9 and 7.

Patrick Denham : Hey Jordan, let me give you some legal advice: Shut the fuck up!

Jordan Belfort : Ah, fuck you you fucking prick! I'm making an honest living, you motherfucker!

Jordan Belfort : Babe, I spoke to the lawyers again today. I have some really, really great news. Turns out you're completely off the hook, honey.

Naomi Lapaglia : I know that already.

Jordan Belfort : Right! Exactly. In fact, you never did anything wrong in the first place. Turns out all the FBI really wants from me is to cooperate. You know? Turns out I have so much information about the stock market and Wall Street I can save the government years of heartache. Not to mention countless dollars.

Naomi Lapaglia : Mhmm.

Jordan Belfort : But it gets even better, baby. Because if I do decide to cooperate I might only looking at four short years. In which case, you know, we could start fresh. Maybe sell the house. And any fines that I have to pay wouldn't be due until after I've served my term, so we'd still have plenty of money leftover.

Naomi Lapaglia : Mhmm.

Jordan Belfort : The only thing that of course bummed me out a little bit about this whole idea is having to give information about my friends.

Naomi Lapaglia : Well, like you said there's no friends on Wall Street. Right?

Jordan Belfort : Right! Right, exactly. So there's a silver lining to that too, honey. Because they said eventually everyone's going to have to give information on this case so at the end of the day it might not even be a factor.

Naomi Lapaglia : Well that's good news. right?

Jordan Belfort : Yeah! Yeah.

Naomi Lapaglia : I'm really happy for you.

Jordan Belfort : What do you mean happy for me? Sweetheart, you should be happy for the both of us. Right?

Naomi Lapaglia : Yeah. Right.

Jordan Belfort : Of course, after the bachelor party, me, the Duke, needed a few penicillin shots so he could safely consummate the marriage.

Jordan Belfort : I want to stay married, Dad, but it's crazy out there. Some of these girls, you should see them. Oh, my God. They're fuckin' - the things they're doing now, Pops, I mean, I mean, it's on a whole other level.

Max Belfort : Really?

Jordan Belfort : And they're all shaved too.

Max Belfort : Get outta here.

Jordan Belfort : All shaven now.

Max Belfort : Are you kidding me?

Jordan Belfort : Yeah.

Max Belfort : No bush?

Jordan Belfort : Bald. Bald as as China doll.

Max Belfort : No bush?

Jordan Belfort : No bush.

Max Belfort : Oh my God.

Jordan Belfort : All the sudden I - one week - nobody had anything down there any more.