Michael Scott: I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
Ryan Howard: [talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?
Michael Scott: Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could...
Michael Scott: And she is going to be okay.
Stanley Hudson: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Kevin: Oh, well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB and J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What a waste.
Jim Halpert: One day, Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
Dwight Schrute: [about Angela's cat, Sprinkles] Well, you left the TV on... and your cat is dead.
Michael Scott: Man, what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? The computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident and then... Prinkles! God... That's three things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed. And we need to do something about it.
Michael Scott: Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccini Alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Well, today, I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end, my guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. I'm very, very proud of that.
Michael Scott: [eating cereal] Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk.
Michael Scott: [in confessional] Well, I am taking responsibility, and it is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car.
Dwight Schrute: Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy. But she did, or at least she got time off for one.
Intern: Ah. So that is where her uterus went.
Dwight Schrute: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
Andy Bernard: I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it's a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So I take precautions.
Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws, what are they? Oh I don't know, I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering, ocasionally I'll hit somebody with my car, so sue me. No, don't... sue me, that's the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.
Michael Scott: So, Ryan got promoted to corporate where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas, back here in Scranton, I am still top dog in a fairly large pond. So, who is the real boss, the dog or a fish?
Pam Beesly: [after Pam accidentally enters Michael's office while he's changing clothes] On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark?
Michael Scott: European offices are naked all the time.
Pam Beesly: They're so not.
Michael Scott: Besides, my shirt tail covered most of it, so...
Pam Beesly: I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended.
Jim Halpert: Gross.
Michael Scott: That's not gross, it's the human body, what is your problem? Pam, you're an artist right? Think of me as one of your models.
[during a talking head]
Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret.
[to Oscar, who's sitting next to him]
Oscar Martinez: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. Could be other things.
Kevin: [incredulous] Are you KIDDING me?
Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.