Ami: If "ifs" and "buts" were cocks and nuts, I'd be getting gang banged right now.

Tank: You are what we call a two bagger. That means I wear a bag on my head, just in case the one in you breaks.

Tank: [after Dustin's eyebrow has been buzzed off] We can fix this right?

Burt: Oh sure, why don't we just pop back into my DeLorean.

Tank: I would part you like the red sea and let you call me Moses. I would open you up like a public pool on memorial day.

Tank: I bet back in the day you were one hot slice of fuckberry pie.

Merrilee: You bet your sweet ass I was.

Kindly Stripper: When it comes to love, there is only one thing you can trust. It's not your friends. It's not your head. Its that little voice inside your clamburger.

[In a different voice]

Kindly Stripper: Listen to me

Hilary: You people are sinners!

Heavily Pierced Kid: You people should have thought about that nineteen years ago before you stopped my mother from going into that clinic! Have a blessed day.

Dustin: You need to get her back.

Tank: But I don't deserve her.

Dustin: No, you do. Tank, if you were willing to give her up, trust me, you deserve her.

Tank: That's fucked up. You're right. She's my angel and it's time she knew.

Dustin: Yes. So what's stopping you?

Tank: I propositioned her mother for a blow job.

Tank: The only funny thing that will ever come out of you, is me!

Tank: Look at you all white and thin. I bet if I laid you on this bar she could snort you.

Professor Turner: She fucks like an epileptic at a strobe light convention.

Tank: Look at me. You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby, and that baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded in a knife fight moments before styling your hair.

Tank: [sitting watching "Ghost" and crying] God, I'm a fag.

Tank: How was I suppose to know it was your sister? How was I suppose to know? It was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you. Oh she's pregnant,too? You tell your sister, I will make a donation to planned parenthood in her honor.

Heavily Pierced Kid: Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order?

Tank: How is the Pizza of Nazareth?

Heavily Pierced Kid: People worship it.

Hilary: I am deeply offended.

Tank: I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously.

Tank: Easy, Urlacher. Ever notice it's the linebackers concerned with people not eating? If the pussy police here would stop ordering her french fries tempura...

Claire: I just had a child!

Tank: Well, congratulations. I'm sure he was probably delicious. Looks like you downed the whole thing.

Tank: [to Alexis' mother] So, are we gonna do this or what?

[Stands up, steps in front of Alexis' mom and drops his pants]

Tank: Come on, it's not gonna suck itself!

Professor Turner: The truth will set you free but before it does; It's gonna piss you off!

Dwalu: Treat her like a bowling ball

[likes three fingers]

Dwalu: STRIKE!

Tank: Weddings, they get me hot and hard know what I'm sayin'? What you got goin' on down there? BOOM!, I want that in my fuckin' mouth.

Tank: I would kick you in the ass, but my foot might get sucked in.

Alexis: Well I would kick you in the dick, but my foot might get Herpes.

Tank: She could use a little more famine and a little less fried.

Rachel: Tank, okay since you have yet to ask me anything at all. I should tell you a little bit about myself, I'm a social worker, yea I know what you are thinking, It is challenging work but so important.

Tank: Woah, woah there big time. I'm a customer satisfaction rep at Airmeister air filtration systems. That is important work because without air, we cannot live.

Alexis: She's my roommate.

Tank: I bet she gives great head.

Tank: How do I bump into her?

Craig: She's a high school English teacher.

Tank: I can't really hang around high school these days unfortunately.

Professor Turner: See I always knew your mom was the best it was ever going to get for me. And I never asked the more important question which is, was I the best it was ever going to get for her?

Tank: What do you call that stuff AJ?

AJ: "Afganhi cusho kryptonite".

Tank: Killed Superman - I'm just a man

Ami: You really like a super special kind of asshole?

Tank: And I ride the special kind of asshole bus to school.

Tank: You can stop trying to be clever Alexis because the funniest thing that will ever come out of you is me.

Tank: If I do this I'm gonna make it the finest tanking of my career, my bloody fucking masterpiece. Dusty she's going to lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. I'm talking about a Turkish twist epic mind FUCK of a tanking. Ok? Her brain is going to be rocking back and forth in the shower for like 3 weeks

[makes whimpering noise]

Tank: . Ok? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. I'm going to be flying up into the sky. She's going to cry tears that form call Dusty on the ground. Yes? Am I doin' it? Tell me I'm doin' it!

Ami: Hey, Alexis sent me to go look for ya so let's go.

Tank: Just havin' a little chit chat with my friend. Takin' a breather, breathing. Fuckin' goddamn what do ya call that shit AJ?

AJ: Afghani kush krytonite.

Tank: Kryptonite killed Superman, I'm just a man.

Ami: You really are like a super special kind of asshole, aren't you?

Tank: She's gonna cry tears that form "call Dusty".

Tank: Is that your phone? Want to Answer your phone? Or are you most interested in me right now? Answer your phone! Oh no wait that is my phone.

Tank: [Addressing Alexis] Well at least I can hide my shame in my pants. What really sucks is having the ass the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey.

Professor Turner: One of my teaching assistants and a very, very hard working woman.

[teaching assistant exits]

Professor Turner: Last night I fucked her to within an inch of her life. True story. I'm champin' her, head through the headboard, and I flip her over and she screams give me a choker. I play the choir boy and say what's that? Starwiped her five minutes later and she's bugging like an epileptic at a strobe light convention. Now I'm getting scared and as I'm working out the 911 phone call in my head she goes

[makes farting noise motioning away from mid section]

Professor Turner: like an airbag. And that was Tuesday night.

Tank: I tried like a motherfucker to follow you in. But this door does like a lock thing when you are inside. Anyway here is what I'm thinking, we start with a blow job. I turn what most girls think is a chore into a training session.

Tank: Whats the plan for tonight? Bring this girl back here. Pop open a bottle of chloroform. Insert tab A in slot b, repeat as necessary.

Tank: [Holding up number from Alexis, who he just met] Daddy bee's got the honey.

Ami: Pretend it is a year aboard. Instead of going to Europe. You are just going to bang a shitload of dudes.

Dustin: What about frosting my tips?

Tank: What are you, a mini wheat?

Hilary: You're like the anti-cupid.

Tank: Yet, I am concerned that you've had a few too many drinks and now your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters.

Tank: I mean, baby, get your head in the game. Nothing tastes as good as looking good.

Professor Turner: Making love? what is wrong with you? what is this some red book interview?