Bad Boys Dormitory (1986)

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11 July 2019 | Davian_X
| Woeful
Having long kept his hardcore past shrouded in secrecy, future low-budget T&A (and closet-case beefcake) impresario David DeCoteau nevertheless managed to deliver at least one assured piece of filmmaking in the genre: the funny, sweet and sexy TOTALLY AWESOME. Unfortunately, this isn't that, and whatever flash of inspiration DeCoteau managed to find for that outing seems to have completely evaporated in the year hence. BAD BOYS DORMITORY is porn at its most perfunctory, bereft of plot, production value, and interest.

The only entertaining scene is the opener, in which blond delinquent David Ashfield gets sentenced to reform school. The scene actually presages many of DeCoteau's cheapjack horror flicks from a few years later (chiefly MURDER WEAPON and DEADLY EMBRACE), featuring a bunch of stilted expository dialogue delivered between two characters in a dimly-lit room. After rattling off a litany of increasingly ridiculous infractions, the shadowy authority figure (is he a guidance counselor? parole officer? it's unclear) finally pronounces the sentence: it's Bad Boys Dormitory for Mr. Ashfield, and the opening credits run over a hilarious freeze frame of his face, frozen in a scream of terror.

Turns out he didn't have much to worry about, as the titular "dormitory" is nothing more than a house in Malibu. Ashfield wanders in the front door, finds a bedroom, plunks his stuff down and immediately starts boffing his new roommate, and that's the last we see of any plot. The remainder of the "film" plays like a parody of every porn cliché in the book: two characters sit down on a bed, exchange a few lines of dialogue (sometimes alluding to the titular dormitory that, despite all efforts to persuade us to the contrary, the cast is *clearly* not occupying), and then engage in 15 to 20 minutes of sex. Repeat ad nauseam. It doesn't get much lazier than this.

Every aspect of this film is almost woefully impoverished. From the single (and very clearly inappropriate) location to the flubbed lines, handheld camerawork and un-muted directorial instruction clearly audible on the soundtrack, BAD BOYS suggests nothing but contempt for its genre and audience. Some of the guys look all right in a retro-'80s way, so the product at least achieves a degree of utilitarian functionality, but that's honestly the most charitable thing I can say for it. It seems to have completely fallen through the cracks since its release (something DeCoteau is probably none-too-upset about) and it's hardly worth your time seeking out. Track down a copy of TOTALLY AWESOME instead, and remind yourself that the future auteur of AN EASTER BUNNY PUPPY *can* direct a sex film - when he's invested in it.

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