Shawn Colfax: You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Nick Brady: I'm too straight to be gay. I could suck knob and still be straight. I could have one in my mouth and two in each hand and still win a straight award.
Nick Brady: Bottomless breadsticks only keep you at the Olive Garden for so long, until at some point you look up and say 'Why the hell am I at the Olive Garden with all these fat people?'
Shawn Colfax: 'Panthers out'? What are they, a knife gang?
Brewster: [after Rick is punched by Downey] That was for the Crocs. You're not an old lady gardening or a baby on the beach. OK? Now put on some shoes, you're embarrassing yourself.
Nick Brady: [trying to talk his way out of football camp] So not only yesterday do I find out I'm adopted. The people I've been calling "Mom" and "Dad" are actually two infertile impostors who bought me outside of a meth clinic in Cincinatti for two boxes of Sudafed, but I also get this news dropped on me - my birth father, Bruce... well he needs a kidney and I'm the only match and apparently Bruce needs it "stat". Mmm-hmm. You need it stat, Bruce? Huh? Well maybe I needed a father stat instead of my stay-at-home dad who showers me with love everyday of his life, this goddamn spermless liar!
Nick Brady: So now I have to be at Kaiser Permanente at 6 a.m. tomorrow. I know, Bruce couldn't even afford a real hospital... managed care. Ironic, isn't it? He never *managed* to care for me.
Dr. Rick: [Rick and his two friends are loudly singing-along in the car to "Tubthumpin'"] Awesome song! Chumbawumba. It's the soundtrack of my life man!
Jennifer: Hey, Nick!
Nick Brady: [aside to Shawn] Name, name, I need a name.
Shawn Colfax: Jennifer.
Nick Brady: Jennifer! Hi, how are ya?
Jennifer: I'm great, really great. Are you going to the bonfire tonight?
Nick Brady: You know it! I was just saying to my boy Shawn here, I can not wait to go to the bonfire tonight so I can hang out with...
Shawn Colfax: [whispers] Jennifer.
Nick Brady: [sings] Jennifer.
Jennifer: I'll see you tonight.
Nick Brady: Okay Jennifer.
Shawn Colfax: It's not that hard a name to remember.
Nick Brady: C'mon, I went out with her last semester. After thirty days the name gets erased from my brain to make room for new ones. There's like three thousand kids at this school!
Shawn Colfax: So why can't you just remember more names?
Nick Brady: I don't know how it works, bro, talk to tech-support.
Nick Brady: Remember when I pretended to be really into Nickelback for that senior chick?
Shawn Colfax: God they suck.
Nick Brady: So did she.
[holds up hand for high five]
Nick Brady: Up top!
Shawn Colfax: Dude. I am not gonna high five you for a BJer you got a year ago.
Nick Brady: [high fives self]
Shawn Colfax: Doesn't count.
Nick Brady: [grabs Shawn's hand and high fives his own hand]
Shawn Colfax: NO!
Nick Brady: What makes this girl so great, bro?
Shawn Colfax: I don't know, there's just something about her. You know, when she bumped into me on the bus. Or, uh, when I saw her reading that book. She orders pudding for dessert.
Nick Brady: OK, now you're just listing things that people do.
Shawn Colfax: No I'm not!... Sometimes she writes with a pencil.
Coach Keith: [seeing the Tigers doing the Fountain of Troy] That's prohibidado. I told them in Spanish, how much clearer could I have been!
Nick Brady: I wonder if her carpet matches my drapes.
Shawn Colfax: You gotta risk it for the biscuit!
Poppy: Tell ya what. I'll teach you some basic cheerleader moves. Hi v's. Low v's. Touchdown. Baskets.
Nick Brady: Whoa whoa whoa. Don't the guys just throw the girls up and catch 'em?
Poppy: Pretty much, eh. But I'll let you practice on me and tell you what they're called. In exchange... I get Shawn's room.
Shawn Colfax: [simultaneously] No.
Nick Brady: Done!
Poppy: Those are my terms. Take them or get out.
Shawn Colfax: [simultaneously] We'll get out!
Nick Brady: We'll take 'em!
Shawn Colfax: Dude! I've got my own bathroom.
Nick Brady: Dude, after cheer camp you won't even need your own bathroom.
Shawn Colfax: What? What does that even mean?
Dr. Rick: I'll be watching you.
Shawn Colfax: Yeah. That's exactly what an audience member does at a performance-based event.
Carly: [to Rick] Just go sit down.
Dr. Rick: [makes 'my eyes are on you' gesture] Robert DeNiro, Meet the Parents reference. LOVE IT.
Nick Brady: [as Rick walks away] God he seems great.
Shawn Colfax: Really nice!
Nick Brady: Mm, I like him.
Dr. Rick: You're dumping me for him?
Carly: No, I'm dumping you, period. And then I'm gonna be with him. Period. If... that's okay with him, question mark.
Shawn Colfax: Totally. Exclamation point.
Dr. Rick: Oh puke. Parenthesis, bold, underline.
Dr. Rick: Carly Horse. Carly Junior's, baby. Larry, Mo, and Carly. Carly and the Chocolate Factor, sugar. Carlsbad, Carlyfornia.
Coach Keith: I'm gonna have to go ahead and ask you both to go ahead and leave right now to leave now.
Nick Brady: I could be watching a Project Runway marathon with Nathan Lane under my dress and STILL win a straight award!
Shawn Colfax: I know you want to be here, because you finish last every single year, but you still keep coming back! Even if it means taking endless shit from total dong-knockers like the Panthers!
Sylvia: I wanna cut the blonde one!
Nick Brady: What?
Nick Brady: What?
Sylvia: ...I'm just saying.
Dr. Rick: [after Downey punches Dr. Rick in the face] I hope one of you ends up in my ER one day, bleeding. I'll make you wait for days. Unless one of you has Blue Cross. That's a PPO, none of that HMO bullshit!
Nick Brady: [about cheer camp] Tell you what, man, that'd be the place to be.
Shawn Colfax: Instead of sweating our balls off in the desert with Coach Shit-Shit.
Nick Brady: ...So let's go?
Shawn Colfax: What?
Nick Brady: Let's go to cheer camp, lets be cheerleaders!
Shawn Colfax: Cheerleaders? Oh my god, are you coming out to me? I am so proud of you, man! And you know what, on some level I kinda always knew.
Nick Brady: Would you shut up? I'm too strait to be gay. I could suck knob and still be strait. I could have one in my mouth and two in each hand and still win a strait award.
Shawn Colfax: [grossed out] Alright...
Nick Brady: [Nick and Shawn cooking and watching TV in the kitchen] Oh look at that hottie, I wonder what she wants to do with her life.
Shawn Colfax: What?
Nick Brady: You know how Bianca wants to go to cooking school and Silvi wants to be a pilot... and... Oh my god, I actually know these girls, as like friends, and I care? I'm becoming a fully formed person with like sensitivity and empathy! HAHA! alright i'm a person!
[looks at the woman in a bathing suit on TV]
Nick Brady: oww look at the pooper on that one! I could rest my beer on that shit.
Shawn Colfax: And you're back. What kind of dressing goes on Greek salad?
Nick Brady: Olive oil, top shelf.
Nick Brady: Dude, why didn't you tell me you're gay? I would've been totally okay with that. Paint with all the colors of the wind and whatnot.
Downey: Wait, you're strait?
Nick Brady: [laughs uncomfortably then stops abruptly] Yes.
Downey: But what about your diary? And then you asked for my beads and you stuck them in your mouth...
Nick Brady: I thought it was a bracelet!
Downey: Why would you stick a bracelet in your mouth?
Nick Brady: I don't know!
Downey: The closet door is made of all different kinds of wood, my brother.
[leans in closer]
Downey: All kinds...
[Downey slaps Nick's ass and leaves]
Nick Brady: Ahh... god that is SO awkward.
Nick Brady: Let's bet how many times he says 'shit.' I say seven.
Shawn Colfax: No way. Ten.
Coach Byrnes: You shitheads think you're the shit? That you don't need to pay attention out there? I'll kick the shit outta ya! You pumped for football camp?
Shawn Colfax: Eh, I guess so.
Nick Brady: Yeah, two weeks without girls. Who wouldn't be pumped?
Coach Byrnes: Don't mess with me shitdick! I'm gonna push ya like you've never been pushed before. Your muscles will ache, your head will throb. You're gonna shit blood out of holes you never knew you had.
Nick Brady: Well at least we're gonna be in Daytona Beach.
Coach Byrnes: No no. They changed it up this year. Camp's gonna be in El Paso, Texas. Hotter than your shithole. We're gonna get you shits conditioned! Bus leaves Monday at o' shithundred hours.
Nick Brady: Which is...?
Coach Byrnes: 4:45 am.
Nick Brady: Of course.
Shawn Colfax: Unusual.
Nick Brady: Mmhm.
Coach Byrnes: Skip your morning shit and get down there.
Nick Brady: Ten 'shits'. You win. How do you always KNOW?
Shawn Colfax: It's a gift. I'm not proud of it.
Shawn Colfax: Hiya sis!
Poppy: Why am I looking at you? Speak!
Nick Brady: [patronizing] Poppy, you're getting so big now! How old are you?
Poppy: I'm 60. Can we get past the small talk? The only time you and my brother come to see me is when you need something. What? Tug mags? Mike's Hard Lemonade?
[looking at Nick]
Poppy: Another ride to the clinic?
Nick Brady: [appalled whisper] Poppy!
Nick Brady: Do not poop where you eat, remember? That's why there are no restaurants called "The Bathroom."
Dr. Rick: Animal House reference! LOVE IT!
Nick Brady: Look at that, huh? We're all here thinking inside the box, and you're outside of it, playing a little game of 'What If.' Gorgeous AND brilliant. The triple threat.
Brewster: I have not been skinny dipping since Indian scouts!
[takes his underwear off and starts swinging his hips around]
Brewster: Nobody look! Windmill!
Nick Brady: We're leaving our underwear on bro! We talked about this, remember?
Brewster: You talked. I listened.
[swinging his hips in different ways while the rest of the group looks away]
Brewster: Paint the fence. Cutting the cake. Hangman's noose. Hangman's noose!
Nick Brady: We're doing a lot of talking during the routine. I'm new, but this seems like a lot of talking during the routine.
Sylvia: [whenever she says or does something that draws attention to herself] ... I'm just saying.
[Nick and Shawn walk at night. They see Diora dumping garbage. Nick approaches her]
Nick Brady: [pants] Diora! God, it is you. The way the moonlight caught your cheek for a second there, I thought you were an angel.
Diora: [sarcastically] Nope, just the head counselor who decides whether or not to make you run laps all tomorrow.
Nick Brady: [giggles foolishly] God, I love it, huh? A little back and forth, witty repartee, Hepburn and Tracy.
Diora: I'm not 16, kiddo. Run along and play.
[Diora walks away]
Nick Brady: Still with the witty repartee, that's terrific. You win this round, Miss Tracy.
Diora: [without turning back] Hepburn was the girl.
Nick Brady: Ding, ding. Knockout.
[Nick walks away frustrated]
Nick Brady: [to himself] It shouldn't be this hard, she's like 100 years old.
[from the trailer]
Shawn Colfax: Screw football, let's go cheer!
[Nick and Shawn go to register. They approach Diora, a beautiful woman whose tight red shirt is open enough to show her breasts]
Diora: Hi. What squad are you on?
[Nick and Shawn get closer to Diora. Nick looks at her nametag]
Nick Brady: Diora? I believe that's Italiano for 'beautiful princess'.
Diora: [unimpressed] No.
Nick Brady: Well it should be, I'm calling the dictionary people.
Diora: What squad are you on?
Shawn Colfax: The Tigers, Gerald R. Ford High.
Nick Brady: Below-average president, above-average student body.
[Diora writes down their names]
Nick Brady: So... what are you doing later?
Diora: [puckers her lips] Not you.
Nick Brady: [giggles foolishly] What about accents? You like Aussies? You wanna wear my leather hat?
Diora: [turns to the mascots] Mascots, I'll be checking you in ten minutes at the mascot table.
[Diora turns back to Nick and Shawn]
Diora: Why are you still here?
Nick Brady: You like canopy beds?
Shawn Colfax: So what exactly are we going to say to Coach Shit-for-Words to get out of football camp?
Nick Brady: What every kid says to get out of everything he doesn't want to do.
[speaking to Coach Byrne]
Nick Brady: So not only do I find out yesterday I'm adopted, the people I've been calling 'mom' and 'dad' are actually infertile impostors who bought me outside of a meth clinic in Cincinatti for two boxes of Sudafed, but I also get this news dropped on me: my birth father, Bruce, he needs a kidney and I'm the only match! And apparently Bruce needs it stat. Mhm, you need it stat, Bruce? HUH? Well maybe I needed a father stat, instead of this stay-at-home-dad who showers me with love every day of my life this goddamn spermless liar! So now I gotta be at Kaiser Permanente tomorrow at 6:00 am. I know. Bruce couldn't even afford a real hospital. Managed care. It's ironic, huh? He never managed to care for me.
Coach Byrnes: Are you shittin' me? Are you saying you can't go to football coach?
Nick Brady: Yeah, but don't make me say it, coach. It's eating me up inside.
Nick Brady: It's eating me up.
Carly: We are driving! We we are driving!
Cheerleaders: We are driving! We we are driving!
Carly: We like driving! We we like driving!
Cheerleaders: We like driving! We we like driving!
Carly: We are eating! We we are eating!
Cheerleaders: We are eating! We we are eating!
Cheerleaders: We are driving again! We are driving!
Coach Keith: [speaking of how the dangerous Fountain of Troy move is 'prohibidado'] You can't even say 'Fountain of Troy' at this cheer camp! Go ahead and say it!
Cheerleaders: Fountain of...
Coach Keith: No, stop it - what are you doing? This isn't a game! I'm not playin' around up here!
Coach Keith: ...Just a joke. First week of cheer camp, lighten things up. Have a good time. Everhbody say it now. 'Fountain of Troy.'
Cheerleaders: Fountain of...
Coach Keith: Oh dear Lord! Oh gosh, shut up, shut up!
[dances around angrily]
Coach Keith: Stop it! Stop it! Nobody does Fountain of Troy at this cheer camp!
Dr. Rick: We're learning about the effects of lavender therapy on type-2 carcinoma patients.
Shawn Colfax: How's that working out? Anyone go into remission after smelling a flower?
Dr. Rick: ...Alright, you caught me man. I picked you some flowers, Carly.
Carly: That is so sweet. Where are they?
Dr. Rick: ...I made a special wish on them and threw them into the sky.
Nick Brady: Humans are the only species that CAN lie. Except for maybe chameleons. Ooh, and possums. They play dead.
Dr. Rick: I can take life as quickly as I can give it!
Dr. Rick: I hope one of you ends up in my E.R. one day, bleeding. I'll make you wait for days. Ha! Unless one of you has Blue Cross. That's a PPO. None of that HMO BULLSHIT!
[Coach Keith introduces his wife to the cheerleaders]
Coach Keith: It is now my absolute pleasure to introduce to you your head counselor and my super-sexy handsome wife, Diora. Let's bring her out here.
[Coach Keith make gestures of fisherman using a pole. Diora arrives, waving her hands. The crowd cheers. Coach Keith kisses Diora on her cheek. Nick and Shawn are shocked to find out the beautiful woman they saw earlier is married to the coach]
Shawn Colfax: What? Did he say "wife"?
Shawn Colfax: No, he couldn't have.
Diora: Welcome, everyone. For the next three weeks, you'll train with me and the other coaches and then compete in a tournament with the top teams going on to the State Finals.
[the crowd cheers]
[Nick approaches Diora]
Nick Brady: Hi.
[Diora is not excited to listen to Nick's lame pick-up lines]
Nick Brady: Listen, I don't know if I've told you this yet... but your coaching, I mean, it's been incredible. And whatever happens between us, you've made me a better cheerleader. And for that, I owe you...
[Diora reaches for Nick's mouth]
Diora: You have some food in your teeth.
Nick Brady: [foolishly] Eh?
Diora: And your pecs are uneven. Make sure you don't favor one side.
[Diora walks away]
Nick Brady: Always coaching. Ha-ha-ha. God bless you!
[Diora does not bother to turn back]
Nick Brady: Why can't I crack this?
[Dr. Rick reveals that Nick and Shawn are in the camp just to get girls. Carly is furious. Rick reads Nick's diary aloud to humiliate him]
Dr. Rick: "Cheer camp, day one. The sun rises in the summer sky like Rembrandt's brush on a dogwood branch." Ha-ha-ha. Queeratron. Ha-ha-ha.
[Nick approaches Rick angrily]
Nick Brady: Let's go. Give it to me.
[Rick's burly friends stop Nick]
Dr. Rick: [continues reading from Nick's diary] "And thereby Diora"...
[Rick sees that Diora stands nearby and points at her. She is surprised to hear what he reads from Nick's diary]
Dr. Rick: ..."I lie awake thinking, will I ever say "Diora", as a whisper in an ear? Will she ever say "I love you", in a moment with a tear?"
[Nick charges at Rick, but again Rick's burly friends stop him until Rick reads more. Finally Nick gets the diary back]
Nick Brady: Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Shawn Colfax: Carly, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Carly: Just leave, okay? Just leave like you always planned on doing.
Shawn Colfax: Carly, please, let me explain. Give me just one second.
[Rick and Carly walk away, Rick hugging her shoulder]
Dr. Rick: See you later, high school.
[Diora approaches Nick]
Nick Brady: I didn't write that. I bought the book. It was in there.
Diora: It was beautiful. Thanks.
[Diora kisses Nick on the cheek and walks away. Nick is stunned, for anything he tried so far did not impress Diora]
Nick Brady: Wow, I never really thought of that one. Using one's true feelings to wrangle snooch. So simple.