After going to my rental store many times and finding nothing but terrible lionsgate movies, i thought, "hey, i'll give one of those redbox DVD machines a try" so i looked at the choices, and there happened to be a cool looking horror movie made by Ghost house. i normally like ghost house, so i thought i'd give it a try. i pay a dollar, and to my horror, not only is it not the real ghost house (it was its underground brand) it was also made in affiliation with Lionsgate. oh dear lord kill me now. So after realizing i couldn't escape from the horror that is lionsgate, i popped the DVD in and we began to watch it.
Once again, lionsgate doesn't fail to disappoint. This movie is not only bad, but it is stupid. it thought it had a twist ending, but it really didn't. well, i guess the best place to start is the beginning.
It starts out with a hitchhiker walking through death valley (which when i went it was flooded btw) and a guy in a car stops looking like he's going to let him ride. then he runs him over and cuts off his tongue. lovely. considering Mr hitchhiker was like a deer in the headlights when the car's coming after him not even thinking to, oh i don't know, JUMP OUT OF THE WAY? good job. then Mr. psycho drives back to his shack where a police man finds him and cuffs him. how does he find him you ask? a blood covered hubcap falls right at his feet. convenient? i'd like to think so. the policeman leaves to vomit and when he goes back in, the guy is gone with his hand cut off. he picks up the gun and aims it at the cop, but then he says "nevermind i give up" if you were going to give up...WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR HAND OFF?! stupid movie. he's then executed. fast forward to the present.
Bunch of people in a diner in the middle of nowhere. Californian girl who looks like she has NO business being there as if she never worked a day in her life with perfectly quaffed hair and no dirt is working at the diner. she finds a bloody t shirt. the manager of the diner shrugs it off saying "once i found a foot!" um.. good for you? then some bank robbers with one of their friends who got shot pull up and try to get a new car from the girl who happens to be his ex girlfriend. and i have to just say, this is the WORST hostage taker ever. he lets her walk 20 feet to drop her keys down the toilet, she forces HIM to go into the septic tank to get them back, and she threatens HIM. my god. do we have to go back to hostage taking 101? well apparently, it's because they used to be bf and gf. this isn't hard to believe considering there's only 10 people in the whole damn town. oh, and one Australian for some reason. two sheriffs, father and son, one on his last day and one on his first day show up. oh my god. could we have ANY MORE stereotypes? yes we can! an incredibly hot doctor who just happens to be there as well as a murderer picking people off one by one! yay for unoriginality! then the car explodes because of a gunfight with the crooks and the sheriffs and then the 2 crooks try to drive away but Mr Australian throws the smelly bf out of the car. The Australian crook then proceeds to drive into an invisible wall. yes. apparently there are invisible walls. awesome. this is when Mr murderer finally shows up and starts killing them with horrible stop motion walking that makes the girl from 'the ring' look fluid. he kills Mr Australian, the girl doctor, the old sheriff after he has a long "i was never there for you as a father" speech, and some dude in a hospital gown. the bf and gf then proceed to blow the evil dude up. and the bf dies. now i know what you're thinking, you just missed like half the movie. sadly, no, i didn't. that's really about all you need to know. so the only people we have left alive are the single most annoying female in California, and Mr. whiny sheriff who likes to watch fish have sex. that is seriously a quote in the movie i did not make that up. and we find out that everyone who died, died similarly in real life to how the crazy stop motion dude kills them. i guess that's supposed to be a twist, but i didn't see how.
This movie is boring, it's stupid, and the supposed twist doesn't exist. lionsgate just keeps failing and failing and failing. I don't know why i keep giving them a chance. fool me once shame on you, fool me 17 times, i'm retarded. The characters are unlikable, the killer's unlikable, the setting's unlikable, and the plot's unlikable. Well if i hate it so much why is it a 2 instead of a 1 you ask? Because even though it's stupid, retarded, and boring, it still is professional film quality. it's not dark fields or Mr. jingles. they actually took the time to rent a decent camera. and for that, it gains one point. i know that's not much to give them credit for, but hey. they should take what they can get.
Rise of Reeker gets 2 keys in the toilet out of 10.