Paul (2011)

Graeme Willy : How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?

Paul : Actually I'm speaking English you fucking idiot!

Graeme Willy : You are an alien!

Paul : To you I am, yes.

Graeme Willy : Are you gonna probe us?

Paul : *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?

Agent Zoil : Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.

Clive Gollings : Thank you, Agent Zoil.

Agent Zoil : Please call me Lorenzo.

Clive Gollings , Graeme Willy : Lorenzo Zoil?

Clive Gollings : [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.

Paul : [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you

[Clive and Graham turn around]

Paul : Put... the phone... down!

Clive Gollings : [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!

Paul : Aw fuck me.

Graeme Willy : [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?

Paul : I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!

Graeme Willy : But you made him faint!

Paul : It's not like I set my phaser to faint!

Graeme Willy : You've got a phaser?

Graeme Willy : Whats the matter Clive?

Clive Gollings : There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.

Graeme Willy : Did you want tea?

Clive Gollings : No, I don't want tea!

Graeme Willy : Right, because tea is weird in America.

Ruth Buggs : Fuck-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.

Paul : I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?

Graeme Willy : Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?

Paul : Fuck yeeah!

Ruth Buggs : You bet your big fat cock I am!

Paul : Nice!

Clive Gollings : They're going to rape us and break our arms!

Graeme Willy : I don't want my arms broken.

State Trooper : Where are you boys from?

Clive Gollings : ...England.

State Trooper : I heard about that place: no guns.

Graeme Willy : Not many...

Clive Gollings : No, not really, just... farmers.

State Trooper : Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?

Graeme Willy : [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...

Clive Gollings : They- they try not to...

[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]

Gas Station Attendant : [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.

Graeme Willy : Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.

[They hastily exit the store]

Ruth Buggs : [after 'partaking'] I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?

Graeme Willy : Uhh...

Ruth Buggs : What do you mean by that? Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages? Ohh I have wasps in my brain!

[Ruth falls over]

Paul : She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.

Haggard : [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?

Graeme Willy : Oh, no, that's Clive's...

Clive Gollings : It's my novel.

Haggard : [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!

O'Reilly : That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.

Graeme Willy : [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.

O'Reilly : I was just sayin'...

Ruth Buggs : So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?

Graeme Willy : Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.

Ruth Buggs : That's easy for you to say.

Graeme Willy : It's really not.

Graeme Willy : [Graeme has just been shot in the chest by Ruth's father and collapses on the ground, dying] Oh no! I really liked this T-shirt.

Clive Gollings : What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?

Graeme Willy : Well apparently they don't do that.

Paul : [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?

Ruth Buggs : Sorry you got killed by my dad.

Graeme Willy : That's fine. D'you want to try that kiss again?

Ruth Buggs : Fuck yeah.

Graeme Willy : Paul, what happens if you get caught?

Paul : Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?

Clive Gollings : Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.

Paul : [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!

Adam Shadowchild : Well, a wise man said, "You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."

Graeme Willy : Who said that?

Adam Shadowchild : I did. I just said that.

O'Reilly : Why not four tits?

Graeme Willy : That's just sick.

Paul : [Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?

Graeme Willy : No. Thank you.

Ruth Buggs : I'll partake.

Paul : Are you sure? It's pretty strong shit. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.

Graeme Willy : Bob Dylan's not dead.

Paul : [smiles] Isn't he?

Graeme Willy : [while under the impression that Clive and he are being chased by rednecks] This is just like Deliverance!

The Big Guy : [from the extended version] Shit, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get off on the idea of you being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.

Graeme Willy : They've shut Guantanamo Bay.

The Big Guy : Did they? Be honest with yourselves.

Ruth Buggs : So there's no Heaven? No Hell, no right, no wrong, no sin?

Graeme Willy : Well...

[pause]

Ruth Buggs : I can drink?

Graeme Willy : If you like.

Ruth Buggs : I can fornicate?

Graeme Willy : Maybe.

Ruth Buggs : I can curse?

Graeme Willy : Well, yeah.

Ruth Buggs : [gleefully] Penises!

Graeme Willy : Ruth...

Ruth Buggs : Assing hairy boobs poop farting buttholes!

Graeme Willy : Ruth, I'm not sure this is helping...

[Ruth grabs Graeme and kisses him]

Graeme Willy : Wha... What are you doing?

[Ruth grabs his hand and puts it on her breast]

Graeme Willy : Aah! Stop it!

Ruth Buggs : Why? Why should I?

[grabs Graeme's crotch]

Graeme Willy : [winces] This is... because... you have your whole life to explore new things. Okay? Doesn't necessarily mean... you should be exploring mine right now.

Sword Vendor : That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.

Clive Gollings : How much?

Sword Vendor : $1349.99

Graeme Willy : Aren't you going to get it?

Clive Gollings : [Speaking in Klingon] Fuck that.

Graeme Willy : What do you think you're gonna dream about?

Clive Gollings : Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?

Graeme Willy : Wonder Woman.

Graeme Willy : [Dying] Don't worry, it's really been the best day ever...

[last lines]

Adam Shadowchild : Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.

Graeme Willy , Clive Gollings : Three, two, one...