Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!
Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
Alan Garner: World War II.
Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
Stu Price: [playing piano and singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,
Stu Price: well then we're shit out of luck.
Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan Garner: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Phil Wenneck: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.
Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.
Phil Wenneck: To a night the four of us will never forget!
Melissa: Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu Price: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa: That's not what *you* do.
Stu Price: Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa: That is not how this works!
Stu Price: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Melissa: Oh, really? Since when?
Stu Price: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!
Alan Garner: You told me it was a bartender.
Stu Price: Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
Melissa: You're an idiot!
Stu Price: You're a - You...
Stu Price: You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
Phil Wenneck: [a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.
Officer Franklin: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
Officer Franklin: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer Franklin: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
[Alan steps forward]
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.
Officer Franklin: [to girl] Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
Phil Wenneck: You don't really want to do this.
Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.
Phil Wenneck: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
Officer Franklin: *Finish him!*
[the girl tasers Phil]
Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
[the kid tasers Alan]
Officer Franklin: *In the face! In the face!*
Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.
Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What?
Phil Wenneck: We can't find Doug.
Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...
Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.
Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.
Black Doug: It's funny, 'cause just the other day, me and my boy, we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies. Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?
Stu Price: No. Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.
Black Doug: Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.
Alan Garner: Or how 'bout rapies?
Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?
Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price: No I don't think so.
Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.
Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!
Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil Wenneck: Deal!
Stu Price: Deal.
Alan Garner: OK.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!
Alan Garner: That's classic!
Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Doug Billings: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
Alan Garner: Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.
Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh, really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino, and he was a retard.
Stu Price: What?
Alan Garner: He was a retard.
Doug Billings: [pronounces properly] *RE*tard.
Sid Garner: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.
Alan Garner: [repeatedly singing] And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!
Phil Wenneck: [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?
Stu Price: What's it look like?
Phil Wenneck: If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!
Doug Billings: She's not that bad.
Phil Wenneck: Doug, she beats him!
Stu Price: That was once, and I was out of line.
Stu Price: [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.
Alan Garner: Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?
Phil Wenneck: No, I'm not cool with that.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
Alan Garner: [after Chow crushes his bag] Hey, there's skittles in there!
Mr. Chow: It's funny because he's fat!
Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
Alan Garner: Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?
Eddie Palermo: Listen to me, I'm gonna' tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
Phil Wenneck: [leaving the school at which he teaches] Would you shut up and drive, before any of these nerds asks me another question.
Stu Price: I lost a tooth! I married a whore!
Mr. Chow: [as he closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodle-oo, motherfuckers.
[whoops like a native]
Mike Tyson: [to Phil] Like you said - we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up.
Alan Garner: Drivin' drunk. Classic!
Stu Price: [about the cops after releasing them early] Fuck those guys! You hear me? That was bullshit! I'm tellin' everybody we stole a cop car! You can't just do that! You can't just tease people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality!
Stu Price: I'm getting a soda. You guys want anything?
Phil Wenneck: No.
Stu Price: By the way, we're all gonna die.
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus.
[Alan falls from the window of the car because the door on the passenger side doesn't open]
Mr. Chow: [laughs obnoxiously] Funny fat guy fall on face!
Black Doug: C'mon, man. I'll be your Doug.
Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
Mr. Chow: Oh yeah? Why dont you suck on these little Chinese nuts?
[grabs his nuts with both hands]
Mike Tyson: This is my favorite part coming up right now.
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
Stu Price: That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.
Phil Wenneck: Who was that guy? He was so mean!
Phil Wenneck: [drunk] Fuck this tiger!
Officer Foltz: [giving kids a tour of the station] See kids, this is where we bring suspects in order to be detained. Trust me, you do not want to be sitting in these seats. We call this place "Loserville".
[shows Alan, Phil, and Stu, a fat kid comes and takes a picture of Alan with his cell phone]
Mr. Chow: You wanna fuck on me?
Doug Billings: [on recording] Hey, you've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.
Mr. Chow: Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douchebag.
Alan Garner: He seemed like a real straight shooter.
Stu Price: They are mature, you just have to get to know them better...