Needy Lesnicky: Hell is a teenage girl.
Needy Lesnicky: Why do you need him? Huh? You can have anybody that you want, Jennifer. So why Chip? Is it just to tick me off, or is it just because you're just really insecure?
Jennifer Check: I am not insecure, Needy. God... that's a joke. How could I ever be insecure? I was the Snowflake Queen.
Needy Lesnicky: Yeah... two years ago when you were socially relevant.
Jennifer Check: I am still socially relevant.
Needy Lesnicky: And when you didn't need laxatives to stay skinny.
Jennifer Check: [enraged] I am going to eat your soul... and SHIT IT OUT, Lesnicky!
Needy Lesnicky: I thought you only murdered boys.
Jennifer Check: [smirks] I go both ways.
Chastity: It's true. It's on the Wikipedia.
Jennifer Check: I think the singer wants me.
Needy Lesnicky: Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.
Jennifer Check: Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that hurts. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.
Jennifer Check: It smells like Thai food in here. Have you guys been fucking?
Jennifer Check: You're lime green jello and you can't even admit it to yourself
Needy's Mom: [to Needy] I dreamed some bad people were trying to nail you to a tree with hammers and big stakes and shit. Just like J.C. But I didn't let 'em get to you, 'cause I'm a hard-assed, Ford-tough mama bear.
Nikolai Wolf: Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope. We're working with the beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is gonna wear your face.
[Dirk gives him a look]
Nikolai Wolf: Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is gonna happen.
Needy Lesnicky: [Narrating at the end of the movie while still in solitary confinement] I don't even know who Needy Lesnicky is anymore.
[a guard serves her food through the door slot; she sniffs towards it with disgust]
Needy Lesnicky: I'm a different person now. A person who uses curse words and kicks orderlies and sees things that aren't there. A very bad, very damaged person...
[Needy lifts her top sleeve, revealing Jennifer's bite-mark imprinted on her shoulder]
Needy Lesnicky: But sometimes change can be good! For instance, most occult scholars don't know this, but if you're bitten by a demon, and you live, you just might absorb some of the demon's abilities...
[Needy talks to the audience and smirks]
Needy Lesnicky: You might get lucky for once in your miserable life!
[Needy uses her powers to float up in mid-air; she mediates herself carefully while she makes her way to the top glass window to escape. Seconds later, she fiercely kicks open the window and makes her way out of the prison]
Chip Dove: I can take care of myself. I've been using the Bowflex.
Jennifer Check: You need a mani bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation.
Chip Dove: Who cares about Jennifer, and those douche-bags with their douche-bag haircuts and their man-scara? People just burned to death!
Jennifer Check: [Trying to let the guys from Low Shoulder let her go] Yes. Yes, I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I've never even done sex. I don't even know how. So, you guys should find somebody. Who does. Know how.
Jennifer Check: I mean, they did go all "Benihana" on my ass with that knife, and it should've killed me, but for some reason... it didn't.
Jennifer Check: I am scrumptious!
Needy Lesnicky: [voice-over] And sometimes, you might just get lucky in your miserable life.
Needy Lesnicky: It's 'freak-tarded'.
Jennifer Check: [Colin got cut by a pair of garden hedges] Oh! A puncture wound. God, that's *so* emo...
Chip Dove: Needy, I care about you. As a person, not just some girl I made love to for four minutes the other night, and I'm scared of what's happening to you.
Jennifer Check: [Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] Got a tampon?
Chip Dove: Stop kidnapping my girlfriend!
Needy Lesnicky: [after killing Chip, Jennifer is back home in her bedroom watching television and doodling on the school yearbook with a red pen; viewers can see that she's actually drawing a circle over a photo of a boy that may be her next intended victim. She turns off her TV and switches off the bedroom light. Needy suddenly bursts through the bedroom window and attacks Jennifer on her bed with a knife. Jennifer catches it and Needy starts grabbing her throat] Best friends FOREVER, huh? You killed my fucking boyfriend! You goddamned monster, you dumb BITCH!
[Jennifer bites Needy on the arm. Needy reveals her knife]
Needy Lesnicky: Ya know what THIS is for? Huh? It's for cutting BOXES!
Jennifer Check: [Needy tries stabbing Jennifer in the face, Jennifer grabs the knife] Do you buy ALL your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, you're butch!
Needy Lesnicky: Cross out Jennifer!
[Needy slices a bloody "X" on Jennifer's stomach with the knife]
Jennifer Check: [Jennifer uses her demonic powers to thrust Needy up in mid air; they both grab on each other and fight. Needy eventually grabs Jennifer and pushes herself on top of her. She yanks and breaks off the BFF necklace on Jennifer. Jennifer stares at Needy and falls back on top of her bed; Needy screams and thrusts the knife in her chest. Jennifer grunts and blood gushes out of chest] My tit...
Needy Lesnicky: No... your heart.
Jennifer Check: I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about a girl who's, like, half sushi. She must've had sex with a blowhole or something.
Jennifer Check: [Grabs Needy's breasts] These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shit gets real.
Jennifer Check: You give me such a wetty.
Needy Lesnicky: [voice-over] Hell is a teenage girl.
Needy Lesnicky: [voice-over, about her "fan mail"] I'm kinda the shit.
Camille: [Chip told her to knock it off] You knock it off, Chip! You're penis cheese!
Nutritionist: Just one Toastem, huh?
Needy Lesnicky: I like Toastems.
Nutritionist: That's good. But I'm not sure a Toastem can provide you with sufficient energy for your day. I'd recommend more complex carbohydrates...
[Needy kicks the Nutritionist so hard, it sends her flying across several tables before hitting the floor]
Needy Lesnicky: I recommend that you shut the fuck up!
[spits on her as the Nutritionist spits a bloody tooth onto the floor]
Needy Lesnicky: [voice-over] The whole country got a huge tragedy boner for Devil's Kettle.
Chip's Mom: Camille! Sit like a lady, no one wants to see your kiki.
Needy Lesnicky: I hate this fucking song.
Chastity: [to Needy] You're totally lesbi-gay.
Jennifer Check: [Pulls down Colin's pants] Nice hardware, Ace.
Jennifer Check: [to Needy] Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, your butch!
Needy Lesnicky: Hey, that's the band.
Jennifer Check: Mmm. You can totally tell they're from the city.
Roman Duda: Yeah, 'cause they're wearing eyeliner. They look like a bunch of faygos.
Jennifer Check: Well, you wouldn't think that, Roman, because you're a small-time Gomer. I wish we had more guys like that in Devil's Kettle. All stylish and shit.
Jennifer Check: Boo! Cross out Needy!
[Makes a cross in front of Needy with her hands]
Nikolai Wolf: I think it's important to reach out to our fans in the shitty areas, too.