Sex Drive (2008)

Josh Zuckerman: Ian Lafferty

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Randy : So where's Felicia?

  Andy : Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.

  Ian : She's in...

  Andy : Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?

  Ian : We're just friends.

  Randy : I'm uncircumcised.

  Girl : Fuck off!

  Randy : Wait, I thought you took her to prom?

  Ian : Yeah, but it was a just-friends kinda thing.

  Randy : You should bang her. We would.

  Andy : Dude, we would bang her so hard.

  Randy : Tell her we'll bang her for you if you're not into it!

  Andy : Yeah. Hard.

  Randy : With our dicks!

  Andy : Yeah, our dicks are huge!

  Randy : You can see them from space!

• Ian : [handing Felicia a new t-shirt]  Another one for the collection.

  Felicia : Oh, cool. Thanks.

  [she stares at nothing leaning on the GTO] 

  Ian : What?

  [she points down on the car roof. Lance is on the back seat comforting a sobbing Brandy] 

  Lance : It's okay, Brandy. it's okay, baby, don't cry.

  Ian : Lance, what are you doing?

  Lance : Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself, because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.

  [pause] 

  Lance : And my dick.

• [Ezechiel comes out from the barn where the GTO is on repair] 

  Ezekiel : Uh-oh. See that creamy stuff? You blew your head gasket. That's not good.

  Ian : Shit.

  Ezekiel : Dont' cry. We can fix it.

  Ian : Really?

  Ezekiel : Yeah, really. We're good at it.

  Ian : Yeah?

  Ezekiel : Yeah, I didn't mean to undersell it, but it's an impressive thing. Yeah, we'll fix it.

  Ian : Wow, that'd be cool.

  Ezekiel : Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it? I might be the coolest guy you ever met.

  Ian : Wow.

  Ezekiel : Wow.

  Ian : Thank you.

  Ezekiel : Yeah, you're welcome. That's what you say when people do nice things for you. You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door if you guys want to hang there while we work on it. Take it easy while we do all this - for you.

  [he turns to the barn] 

  Ian : Does he have an attitude?

  Lance : No, he's fucking with you.

• Ian : You don't know my brother, okay? He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters!

  Ezekiel : What? He's gonna what? With what?

  Ian : Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early, and he's gonna walk into the bank, stand in line, change a 10, find my ass, and just... fuck it... with a roll of fucking quarters.

• Ian : Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?

  Randy : Cause we're the shit.

  Andy : Yeah, you oughta know that, bitch.

• Lance : Dude, what the fuck?

  Ian : I don't want her along.

  Lance : Oh, really? You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip? Yeah, no shit. She's always cock-blocking you.

  Ian : No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...

  Lance : Okay, twat blocking. Professor.

• Ian : [pointing to the redneck]  You, Cornfed! You can punch my friend here, but just once.

  Lance : Wait what? Come on man!

  Ian : Dude, you slept with his girlfriend!

  Lance : But...

  Ian : AND he drove all this way.

  Lance : ...All right.

• Rex : Ian, you're 18 and you've never had a girlfriend. That's how people wind up getting gay, you know?

  Ian : I don't think that's really how it happens.

  Rex : Tell me how it happens expert, ya cock expert, ya cockspert. Hey, what do you like better the shaft or the balls?

  Ian : That's gross.

  Rex : You like em both don't you. It's like, sometimes tuesday you want the big, old, shiny-ass cock. Wednesdays and Thursdays you're onto the balls.

  Ian : I don't know what you're talking about.

  Rex : You can't choose can you? Thats a tough one. You love it. You're obsessed with it.

  Ian : No, you are, your talking about it.

  Rex : Why are you smiling at me, I'm serious. Don't fucking smile at me, I'll knock you out of the god damn earth. What does it taste like? What's it like when you take your mouth off of it and its like, you can see your reflection in that fucking cock. Smack you in the face a little bit, you don't like that?

  Ian : I don't eat...

  Rex : Just like shiny, fucking stiff, throbbing, hot vascular mushroom head.

  Ian : Ya ya.

  Rex : Look, every guy has a fantasy about another guy, but you gotta bury that shit way down, this is America, goddammit.

  Ian : There is, there is a girl. That I've been kinda...

  Rex : Alright, I'm listening, where'd you meet her?

  Ian : Um, on the, online.

  Rex : [Slams car breaks on]  What? For fuck's sake Ian, don't you watch "Dateline"? She's probably a guy. Some fat, old dude who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.

  [Smiles] 

  Rex : But you'd love that wouldn't you, 'cause you're a homo!

• Ian : Holy buckets... she wants me to give her the D!

• Ian : Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a question?

  Randy : You just did!

  Ian : Can I ask you guys another question?

  Andy : You just did again!

• Lance : Just relax, man. I got a good feeling about this, you know. We're gonna party with the Amish!

  Felicia : Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.

  [They see Fall Out Boy downloading amps and instruments] 

  Peter Wentz : What's up, man?

  Ian : Hey.

  Felicia : [astonished]  No effing way!

• Ian : Is there a cock and ball on the front of me again?

  Lance : Like a little tree trunk.

• Ian : There's no service out here. I can't even tell her I'll be late.

  Lance : Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting. You don't want to come off as desperate.

  Ian : I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?

  Lance : We had shit to do?