16 July 2010 | BaronBl00d
Lives Up to Expectations
Okay, it is quite horrible. Yet, despite the overall harsh criticisms found on here, it is nothing at all near being one of the worst movies I have ever seen - in my lifetime, this year, or even this month. Bad? Yes indeedy! But God Awful? Not quite(though perhaps closer than I am letting on to). Steve Howey plays Stan Helsing who works at a video store. Halloween night is here and Stan meets up with two incredibly hot girls and his buddy Kenan Thompson(you figure out which one is unlikely to be in that quartet in reality). Thankfully Kenan is there, because he has a few of the few laughs that are in this film(the others belonging to octogenarian and living legend Leslie Nielsen dressed as a hideous barmaid). It seems Stan is destined to live up to his ancestry and slay monsters - what monsters you may ask? Well, ridiculously and inept looking ones NOT from classic horror but from modern "classics"(I shudder even putting THAT in parentheses!) We get Pleatherface with a leaf blower and a line when he no longer has it, "It looks like no one will get blown tonight." Stop your sides from aching now with laughter. We get Chucky looking like a guy with painted x's and o's on his face. A Pinhead double from Hellraiser. Anf let's no forget the Michael Myers, Jason, and Fweddy doubles as well. All of these look so stupid and like someone from a fifth grade art class got to work on their wardrobe and costumes. There are other horror references and a story that defies logic - and explanation here for lack of need. Really, Stan Helsing is like Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Date Movie. It has a few laughs but not enough to even keep this lame crap afloat long at all. The humor is mostly adolescent and sophomoric with at least four references to bathrooms and all that great humor that comes from noises and the other fertile comedic ground that is inherent in feces and urine. Does the movie have any saving graces? Well, Kenan Thompson and good ole Leslie Nielsen are good some of the time. There are a few jokes that land roughly but in place. Then there are the female cast members who for the most part are very, very pleasant to look at like the three gals playing vampire strippers and Diora Baird and Desi Lydic as the two female leads. Neither can really act though Lydic has comedic potential. Baird has some fine assets to keep abreast of nonetheless. If you are looking for clever or witty humor, you must look elsewhere. If you have an IQ near that of a quasi-literate teen - you might think it is totally rad or some such feeling. Phewwww!