Nadine: I can't believe I ever went out with you.

Stan Helsing: The best six weeks of your life.

Nadine: It was two weeks.

Stan Helsing: Yeah, but I was doing you in my mind for the other four.

Teddy: Man, this whole town is dead.

Mia: Oh my God. Maybe this is like "The Sixth Sense" and we're the ones who are really dead.

Nadine: You know what, Mia? I've been holding something back all night, so I'm gonna go ahead and say it now: That doesn't make any sense, you stupid bitch.

Stan Helsing: [looks up Mia's undies] I think now it would be a great time for a reverse POV.

Fweddy: Can you say "bitch slap"?

Mason: We're not gonna go that easy.

Stan Helsing: Oh, actually, you both have the same weakness.

Teddy: Say, this is a fantasy. You don't walk out on a fantasy like that.

[to Stan]

Teddy: Man, the next time three fine women with their breasteses exposed ask if your name is Van Helsing, the answer is YES!

[first lines]

Stan Helsing: [picking up a ringing phone] Schlockbuster. Happy Halloween.

[pause]

Stan Helsing: Yeah yeah yeah, we carry porn.

[pause]

Stan Helsing: What do I recommend? Well... "Schindler's Fist", "How Stella Got Her Tube Packed", "Six Degrees of Penatration". This is a good one. "Glad He Ate Her".

[pause]

Stan Helsing: Yeah, yeah, okay. You're welcome, Grandma.

Stan Helsing: [confronted by a giant cockroach in a restroom stall] Oh, cock... roach. Sorry, dude! I thought this was available, but it's okay. I don't actually need it, 'cause I just pissed myself. You look tense. Uh... you need a magazine? Toilet paper? Here, I'll get you a magazine.

[the giant cockroach grabs Stan]

Stan Helsing: Ah, I see you're a fan of the Kobe Bryant position.

Stan Helsing: This van just went from an automatic to a stick shift, Teddy got a boner.

Mia: Okay, you guys, be totally honest. Does my vagina make me look fat?

Mia: Sounds like Sammy Boy finally got his raw meat.

Mia: [Stan cracks a whip] I don't see how this is going to help, but all right

[positions herself to be whipped, then realises]

Mia: Oh, not me. Okay.

Lucky: And what's my weakness?

Stan Helsing: Dude, you're a doll.

Nadine: [the foursome are cooing over a puppy] He kind of looks like that dog we hit on the road.

Crazy: You mean Sammy boy? That's Sammy boy's son, this is Sammy boy.

[Camera cuts to a fierce looking Rottweiler with bolts in it's neck reminiscent of Boris Karloff's version of Frankenstein's monster]

Stan Helsing: Hi Sammy boy. Looking good. Nice job. You can barely notice.

Crazy: He hasn't been the same since you him with your car. He can't eat, now he's starving!

Teddy: Have yo tried Ensure? There these little milkshakles we gave to my grandfather one time when he couldn't poop. It was awlful.

Crazy: Sammy needs meat!

Stan Helsing: There was a Sizzler that we just passed on the way over here.

Crazy: [creepily] Raw meat.

Stan Helsing: You don't have to cook it.

Needlehead: His scent leads to this store. But remember, I get the first taste of his raw flesh.

Stan Helsing: That doll mimed a blowjob and started smacking his ass. That's so weird.

Nadine: No no no no. That's not weird at all. It's you know, it's a MILF driving a car with a doll that's miming a blowjob and spanking his ass. Yeah yeah.

Teddy: Sound perfectly normal.

Mia: My brother said I used to give his GI Joe doll a boner.

Nadine: Okay, you probably want to keep that to yourself.

Fweddy: It's a boy!