In the Loop (2009)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : Y'know, I've come across a lot of psychos, but none as fucking boring as you. You are a real boring fuck. Sorry, sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing so I'll sort that out. You are a boring F, star, star, CUNT!

• Malcolm Tucker : Fucking hung up, haven't you? You fucking hoity-toity fucking...

  Tourist : Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right?

  Malcolm Tucker : Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.

  [he runs into the distance] 

• Malcolm Tucker : "Climbing the mountain of conflict"? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!

• A.J. Brown : So, you made it in OK, right?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks. Can I get a coffee?

  A.J. Brown : Sure, sure. If we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly.

  Malcolm Tucker : Your assistant?

  A.J. Brown : Yeah. So, item. We need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament, the bumps in the road ahead and what not.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm sorry, I don't... This situation here is... Is this it? No offence, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fucking toilet.

  A.J. Brown : Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.

  A.J. Brown : Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you on the work of the Future Planning Committee.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm away.

  [AJ's assistant walks in with the coffee] 

  Malcolm Tucker : And here we are. The fucking Vice President has also graced us with his presence. Give him a bottle of milk.

• Malcolm Tucker : Fuckity bye!

• [from trailer] 

  Malcolm Tucker : I will marshal all the forces of darkness to hound you into an assisted suicide.

• Malcolm Tucker : Linton! Linton!

  Linton Barwick : Mr Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again.

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you fucking me about?

  Linton Barwick : Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?

  Malcolm Tucker : I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.

  Linton Barwick : You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. One of the brightest and best.

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord.

  Linton Barwick : I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But could we just move on to what's important here? Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, apparently, your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...

  Linton Barwick : All right.

  Malcolm Tucker : ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out.

• Malcolm Tucker : General Flintstone... Was it you? Did you leak PWIP-PIP?

  Lt. Gen. George Miller : No, I didn't leak it. I'm not like some little gay mercenary running around doing other people's dirty work.

  Malcolm Tucker : Hey, I'm doing my own dirty work. I'm doing my job.

  Lt. Gen. George Miller : I think you're doing Linton's dirty work. You're his little English bitch and you don't even know it. Bet if I came to your hotel room tonight, I'd find you down on all fours, him hanging out the back of you.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, that's nice. That's really tough talk coming from the Armchair General. Put your feet up on a pouffe and go back to sleep, why don't you.

  Lt. Gen. George Miller : Look, Tucker, you might be some scary little poodlefucker over in England, but out here you're nothing. You know what you look like? A squeezed dick. You got a big blue vein running up your head all the way to the temple. See, that's where I'd put the bullet. Only I'd have to stand back 'cause you look like a squirter.

  Malcolm Tucker : Have you ever even actually killed anybody? Really?

  Lt. Gen. George Miller : Yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : Falling asleep on someone, that doesn't count!

  Lt. Gen. George Miller : That's funny. What about you, pussy drip? Ever kill anyone?

  Malcolm Tucker : Maiming's what I prefer. Psychologically.

  Lt. Gen. George Miller : Yeah? Why don't you try to maim me? I'll hit you so hard in the face you'll be shitting teeth.

  Malcolm Tucker : Go right ahead. I can see the headlines right now. "Peace-Loving General Starts Fight at the U.N., Swiss Intervene". I don't know, I'm not an expert on spin, but that could hurt your career.

  Lt. Gen. George Miller : Yeah?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah.

• Simon Foster : [Answers knock at hotel room door]  Come in. I just wasn't expecting to see you here. Well, not physically here. You're always in my heart.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm here. I'm there. I'm fuckin' everywhere. I'm the eggman.

  Simon Foster : Have you come to insult me in a different time zone?

• Malcolm Tucker : In the words of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole, unforeseeable, that's what you are.

• Sir Jonathan Tutt : Let me tell you the process here, Malcolm, and why that's not possible...

  Malcolm Tucker : Just fucking do it! Otherwise you'll find yourself in some medieval war zone in the Caucasus with your arse in the air, trying to persuade a group of men in balaclavas that sustained sexual violence is not the fucking way forward!

• Malcolm Tucker : All right now, my lovely friends, the bottom line is...

  Michael Rodgers : Oh, God, I hate that phrase. "Bottom line." I mean, we're not in retailing.

  Malcolm Tucker : Sorry. Michael's quite right. I won't use that again. The bottom line is the President is going to the UN. This will be the vote to commence military intervention. And the Prime Minister has decided that we should join him. Rob, Innis, Little Bo Cock Jockey and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox, go back to your desks and prepare to start briefing now.

  Simon Foster : Michael, do you mind if we use your office?

  Michael Rodgers : What?

  Simon Foster : For a couple of minutes?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line is, can you come out again?

• Simon Foster : Judy and I thought I could row back on Question Time, tonight

  Malcolm Tucker : You're not going on Question Time tonight, you've been disinvited

  Simon Foster : We've been prepping Question Time!

  Judy : Why wasn't I told about this?

  Malcolm Tucker : Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I've just told you to fuck off twice yet you're still here?

  Judy : You should tell me about it as it's a scheduled media appearance by a member of this department and therefore it falls well within my purview!

  Malcolm Tucker : Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!

  Judy : Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Simon]  She's married? Poor bastard.

• Jamie MacDonald : Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.

  Simon Foster : What is this? Surround bollocking?

  Jamie MacDonald : Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt. Now, I'm finished.

  Simon Foster : Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.

  Toby Wright : Oh, um... Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.

  Jamie MacDonald : Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased to meet you. Please sit down. Now, right, that's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.

  Toby Wright : What's Oxbridge about saying hello?

  Jamie MacDonald : Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole punch your face?

  Malcolm Tucker : Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them.

  Jamie MacDonald : Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids. Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus.

  Simon Foster : A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. Fuck, they've given me tusks.

  Jamie MacDonald : Wal-rus. You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.

  Toby Wright : We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would.

  Jamie MacDonald : What did you expect? They're builders! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No, no, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh? That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!

• Malcolm Tucker : You say nothing, okay? You stay detached. Otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas.

  Simon Foster : Right, can I go to bed now, please?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, no, no, no. We are gonna stay here, and you are gonna rehearse saying nothing.

  Simon Foster : Am I being tortured?

• Sir Jonathan Tutt : So, you must be Simon. I'm the British Ambassador to the UN, Sir Jonathan Tutt. Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the United Nations. We, sir, are in here. So, if there's anything you need, just give me a whistle. You know how to do that, don't you Malcolm? What do you do? Hm? That's right. You put your lips together and you blow. I'm going to head up to this delegates' reception. I hope there's some nibbles, because I'm ravenous.

  Malcolm Tucker : Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?

  Toby Wright : Fuck the nibbles. What was with the homoerotic tension?

• Malcolm Tucker : Hey, Foetusboy, Lesson One: I tell you to fuck off, what do you do?

  Toby Wright : Eff off?

  Malcolm Tucker : You'll go far, now fuck off.

• Malcolm Tucker : You sure you're working as hard as I am, 'cause I'm sweating spinal fluid here!

• Simon Foster : Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for a personal opinion.

  Malcolm Tucker : Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it. If he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PIN number or to shit yourself, would you have done that?

  Simon Foster : I would have blacked up, yes. It was radio, nobody would've known.

• Simon Foster : That's not supposed to be out there...

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, it is out there, it's out there now, lurking like a big hairy rapist at a coach station. You know, if I could, I'd punch you into paralysis!

• Malcolm Tucker : Right. Was it you?

  Simon Foster : No, it wasn't. No. What?

  Malcolm Tucker : You do know what I'm talking about, don't you?

  Simon Foster : No. And... And... whatever it was, I almost certainly didn't do it.

  Malcolm Tucker : Was it you, the baby from Eraserhead?

  Toby Wright : No, no.

  Malcolm Tucker : Then it must have been you, the woman from The Crying Game.

  Judy : It wasn't me.

• Malcolm Tucker : Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now,

• Toby Wright : [looking at George Washington monument]  See that? Pull that out, America deflates.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, it's very easy to mock. The closest you'll ever get to one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone. I'll wait in the car.

  Simon Foster : So what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?

  Toby Wright : Constituency surgery in Northamptonshire.

  Simon Foster : Oh, great. Meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, only without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental".

• Malcolm Tucker : Do I look like I've ever set foot in a stationery cupboard? I do all my shagging in five-star hotels!

• Malcolm Tucker : You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister with another surprise question about the war, I'll drop a bomb on them.

  Judy : I can't do that, can I? That's political.

  Malcolm Tucker : Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford and play around with your tea and your cakes and your fucking horse cocks. Let them eat cock!

  [to Toby] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Hey, you! Ron Weasley, you do it.

• Linton Barwick : So, we're getting a little close to the wire, Mr Tucker. Where is that intel, huh? What sort of intel have you rustled up?

  Malcolm Tucker : Ah, the smoking intel?

  Linton Barwick : Yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, honestly, I haven't got it.

  Linton Barwick : You haven't got it? All right. OK. Well, then, can you delay the vote? lt'd give you the time to get it.

  Malcolm Tucker : I've just had it brought forward.

  Linton Barwick : I am telling you, delay the vote and make yourself some time to get the intel, because I need it, my friend.

  Malcolm Tucker : Hey. OK. Just a quick reality check here, J Edgar Fucking Hoover, I don't work for you. You don't fucking tell me what to do.

  Linton Barwick : OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice. This is a sacred place. Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy. And, secondarily, I believe your Prime Minister has instructed you to work for me. Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker. One of your guys leaks a paper - you can't do anything. Huh? We tell you to get some intel - you can't do anything. I need you to move the vote back - you can't do anything. I am afraid you are nothing but a useless piece of S star-star T.

• Malcolm Tucker : This is the minister of international development here, he should be talking about... food parcels... not... fucking, arse-spraying mayhem!

• Malcolm Tucker : Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse.

• Linton Barwick : It's early days, my friends. All roads lead to Munich.

  [leaves] 

  Malcolm Tucker : 'All roads lead to Munich... ' What the fuck does that mean?

  Simon Foster : Well, I think it means, uh... actually, no, no, I don't know what it means.

• Malcolm Tucker : When you go to America, talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah?

  Simon Foster : Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl.

  Malcolm Tucker : Keep away from Linton Barwick. He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paper weight. That's a true story.

• Malcolm Tucker : Right, Baldemort.

• Simon Foster : So, this is all going to spin along from here. We're going to have a vote and go to war. We'll fight people, kill them. Our children will get killed. This is exactly the sort of thing that I didn't want to do when I went into politics. This is the opposite of what I wanted to be doing.

  Malcolm Tucker : That's why you have to stay in Government, to influence things. In here, you can influence things, you can delay things. Out there, you're just another fucking mouthy, fucking shouty mad fucker who people don't want to make eye contact with. Remember Mary? Remember what happened? She took a stand on health. Everybody decided that she was mental.

  Simon Foster : Because The Sun showed a picture of her with wide eyes and her head on a cow.

  Malcolm Tucker : Well I happened to find that a particularly powerful image. Look, the Prime Minister of this country, he's not a fucking Viking, is he? He doesn't drink blood. He doesn't go around biting tramps.

  Simon Foster : I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking, Malcolm.

  Malcolm Tucker : Unlike me, he abhors physical violence.

  Simon Foster : Where is the intelligence, the hard evidence?

  Malcolm Tucker : We have got the fucking intelligence.

  Simon Foster : I haven't seen it.

  Malcolm Tucker : The intelligence we've got is so deep, so fucking hard, it'll fucking puncture your kidneys.

  Simon Foster : Where's it coming from?

  Malcolm Tucker : There is an informant. Ice Man.

  Simon Foster : Ice Man?

  Malcolm Tucker : I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah. And the fact is, the stuff that he's given us is... I've seen it. It would make your blood run cold and clot and turn your insides into fucking black puddings. But certain box lickers are sitting on it, but you're going to see it, because the PM regards you as a key player in this now.

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone]  Hi. BBC News Desk, please. Malcolm Tucker. Hi, Ben. Listen, I hear that you might be preparing a story that we might not like. Yeah, please. I just wanted to say, please, this garden-wall story, don't run with that. Simon Foster's constituency office wall. That's what you've got, haven't you? Oh, shit. I haven't let the cat out of the bag, have I? Please, don't run with that. My reputation will be in tatters.

  [hangs up] 

  Malcolm Tucker : And he is gone!

• Malcolm Tucker : Mr Ambassador, with your big baldy head, you are spoiling us!

• [first lines] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Good morning, my little chicks and cocks.

• Malcolm Tucker : Right, OK. Is it up, have you got it up?

  Jamie MacDonald : Yeah, it's all fine.

  Malcolm Tucker : Ok, cut the top paragraph and paste it into page five.

  Jamie MacDonald : Right, yeah, we've done it.

  Malcolm Tucker : Page six, get rid of the footnotes.

  Jamie MacDonald : Done.

  Malcolm Tucker : Go to, uh, page nine.

  Jamie MacDonald : Go to page nine.

  Malcolm Tucker : Highlight from that page right thru the end of the document.

  Jamie MacDonald : Go on... do it.

  Michael Rodgers : The caveats.

  Malcolm Tucker : Right, OK, delete.

  Jamie MacDonald : Right, Ok, we're doin' it. Delete it.

  Michael Rodgers : You, you can't delete the arguments against the war.

  Jamie MacDonald : Oh, there's a little shake of the head here, Malc. I think he's crashed.

  Malcolm Tucker : Just give him a thump. That usually works.

  Jamie MacDonald : Let me just try a wee bit of manual override. Let's see if it is possible to delete the arguments against the war. Hey, you could delete it after all. It's done.

  Malcolm Tucker : Great, right, now attach that to an e-mail.

  Jamie MacDonald : Yes, got it, got it.

• Malcolm Tucker : I've just spoken to the Prime Minister and he says you're fired so go and write your resignation letter

  Simon Foster : You can't have spoken to him you've been standing right here the whole time.

  Malcolm Tucker : It doesn't matter when I spoke to him, it's True! Off you trot, then.

  Simon Foster : You won't get away with this.