This Is the End (2013)
Seth Rogen: Seth Rogen
Photos
Quotes
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Jay Baruchel : Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room
Seth Rogen : Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Craig Robinson : That's fucked up. I'm right here man.
Jay Baruchel : I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
James Franco : That's racist.
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[Taking inventory of the food and supplies at James Franco's house]
Seth Rogen : We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, half-ounce Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat, and the video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
James Franco : [correcting Seth] '127 Hours'.
Seth Rogen : Uh, 127 Hours. And a functioning revolver from the movie 'Flyboys'.
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[Rogen and McBride are digging through the floor of Franco's house when Franco storms through the second floor hallway, carrying his prop gun and a porno magazine]
James Franco : Who did this? Who did this?
Seth Rogen : Did what? What are you talking about?
James Franco : Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
Danny McBride : [Raises hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine.
James Franco : Why?
Danny McBride : When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
James Franco : Real fuckin' smart answer! Why don't you fuckin' aim, huh?
Danny McBride : I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.
James Franco : What the fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never learned to jizz in a fuckin' sock or on a fuckin' tissue?
Danny McBride : No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
James Franco : I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever the fuck you want!
Danny McBride : I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
James Franco : That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!
Danny McBride : You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping off loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
James Franco : You don't cum on my stuff!
Danny McBride : I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!
James Franco : I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin' madman all over you, McBride!
Danny McBride : Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now! I fuckin' dare you to cum on me!
[Both exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
Danny McBride : [Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!
James Franco : This, no more, man! All over your fuckin' face!
Danny McBride : All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want! I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'll cum everywhere!
James Franco : If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fuckin' shoot it off!
Danny McBride : You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
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Jay Baruchel : Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?
Seth Rogen : Uh, I would love to, but I'm on a... I can't really eat that stuff right now. I'm on a... I'm on this cleanse.
Jay Baruchel : You're on a what?
Seth Rogen : I'm on a cleanse.
Jay Baruchel : [laughs] What?
Seth Rogen : It's good for you. You're supposed to take six shits a day.
Jay Baruchel : That's not true, you're supposed to shit twice a day.
Seth Rogen : No. That's not true. That's what they used to think, now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day.
Jay Baruchel : So you're not drinking, you're not smoking weed?
Seth Rogen : Oh, no. I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed. I'm on a cleanse, I'm not psychotic.
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Jonah Hill : So what have you guys been doing?
Seth Rogen : Oh we just hung out all day.
Jay Baruchel : Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, smoked about a fucking pound of weed, and played a bunch of video games.
Jonah Hill : Weed is tight, weed is tight. That's awesome.
Jay Baruchel : It's like the golfing sequence in Navy Seals.
Jonah Hill : Sick reference though bro.
Jay Baruchel : Oh thanks bud.
Jonah Hill : Dude, your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
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Emma Watson : Give me everything you have to drink!
Seth Rogen : There are six of us! You cannot rob us!
Emma Watson : I'm NOT fucking around!
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Jonah Hill : Um, can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco : No, you can't have the Milky Way. That's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
Jay Baruchel : That's weird.
James Franco : It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
Seth Rogen : I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson : I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
James Franco : Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson : Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.
Jay Baruchel : A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Seth Rogen : Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
James Franco : [to Craig] I want one fifth of your t-shirt!
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Seth Rogen : Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
Jay Baruchel : Oh for fucks sake...
Seth Rogen : I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.
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Seth Rogen : Let's do all the drugs!
Jay Baruchel : I don't really want to.
[starts to drink water]
Seth Rogen : You should of thought of that before you drank a can full of Ecstasy.
Jay Baruchel : [spits water out] What?
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[an armored RV crashes into James Franco's Toyota Prius, slightly injuring Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel. A bunch of cannibals from the RV pulls all three of them out from the totaled car and starts to attack them]
Santa Cannibal : [yells] Yo, cut his fuckin' head off!
[chainsaw revs up; James, Seth, and Jay screams]
Danny McBride : [on loudspeaker] STOP!
[Danny McBride, leader of the cannibals, steps out of his RV with a marijuana joint in one hand and a dog's leash in the other]
Jay Baruchel : Danny?
Danny McBride : [shocked] What the fuck? You guys are still alive?
Seth Rogen : Yeah!
Danny McBride : Holy shit, I didn't expect that.
[tugging on the leash, a gimp, who reveals to be Channing Tatum, jumps out from the RV]
Danny McBride : Get...
[Danny pulls Channing over to him]
Jay Baruchel : Oh, Jesus.
Danny McBride : Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten, and you three gentlemen look delicious.
Jay Baruchel : [confused] What does that have to do with us?
James Franco : What the fuck are you talking about?
Danny McBride : [chuckles] I'm a cannibal, hombre. We're gonna fuckin' eat your ass.
Seth Rogen : Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man!
Danny McBride : I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want. I butt-fucked this dude.
[Channing drops down doggy-style]
Danny McBride : See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp. Channing, introduce yourself.
Channing Tatum : [takes his mask off] Hey, what's up, guys? Y'all cool?
James Franco : That's Channing Tatum.
Seth Rogen : That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?
Danny McBride : Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch
[Channing rubs Danny's crotch, but Danny shoves his hand away]
Danny McBride : Get off my dick. I call him Channing "Tate-yum".
James Franco : Hardcore, man.
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Seth Rogen : Jesus fucking Christ.
Craig Robinson : You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen : Jesus fucking Christ? Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson : One of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
Seth Rogen : Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson : Jesus and God is all the same.
Jay Baruchel : It's a trinity.
Craig Robinson : The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
James Franco : It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
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Seth Rogen : [Pretending to be Gandalf/Ian McKellen] I'm a well-known homosexual advocate!
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Michael Cera : [after everyone at James Franco's party runs outside and sees that the Hollywood Hills are engulfed in flames] Wait, wait, wait! Everybody listen up! Listen up! Who took my fucking cell phone man? Martin empty your pockets!
Martin Starr : What?
Michael Cera : I saw you in the bathroom, man! Somebody dial my phone! Shut the fuck up! Unbelievable! It's unacceptable after all the coke I've wasted on you people!
Seth Rogen : No one took your fucking cell phone...
Michael Cera : [the ground begins to crack under Michael's feet] Three! Two! One! Zero!
Seth Rogen : [a light pole begins to fall towards Michael] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Michael! Michael! Michael!
[the light pole crashes through Michael's chest]
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[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beams disappears; James falls back down on the ground to the evil amazement of the cannibals and the disappointment of Seth and Jay]
Seth Rogen : Oh, shit.
Jay Baruchel : Shit!
James Franco : [horrified] What happened? What did I do? Take me back! What did I DO?
Danny McBride : I'll tell you what happened, Franco. You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty. Tom Petty.
[the cannibals gang up on the now-doomed James]
Danny McBride : You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
James Franco : [last word] What?
[Danny takes a huge bite into James' nose, with Channing joining in; James screams in horrible pain as Seth and Jay can do nothing but watch in sheer horror and disgust]
Danny McBride : [screaming; a crazed Danny holds up James' ripped-off nose] HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?
[Danny shrieks as the cannibals gang up and fatally eat James up to his death]
Danny McBride : Seth! JAY!
[Three cannibals give chase to Set and Jay, presumably to finish the job and keep them completely fed]
Jay Baruchel : Oh, shit, they're running after us!
Seth Rogen : Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Run!
Danny McBride : BRING THEM TO ME!
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Danny McBride : Franco, you're just a pretentious fucking nerd.
James Franco : Fuck you!
Danny McBride : And Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.
Craig Robinson : Bro...
Danny McBride : And Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Seth Rogen : What?
Danny McBride : And of course there's Jay... the self-righteous, cocksucking, two-faced backstabber.
Jay Baruchel : What the fuck are you talking about?
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[the guys are debating whether or not to let a stranger into the house]
James Franco : [whispering] I know it sounds really weird, but... I don't think we should let him in.
Jay Baruchel : Why not?
Headless Man : Yeah, why not? I can hear you, by the way.
James Franco : I'm sorry, we just don't know you, man. You could be, like, a looter or a, a rapist or a tittyfucker, like...
[Seth grabs his chest protectively]
James Franco : ... I'm sorry. Look, guys, we just boarded up this whole house to keep everyone out, and the first guy who comes to the door, we're gonna let him in? I mean, how do we know we can trust this guy?
Headless Man : I want to live! Things have gone crazy out here!
Danny McBride : "Agagaga-fuckin'-crazy-out-here!" This guy fuckin' sucks.
James Franco : What if he's the rapist?
Jonah Hill : Man, even if he is a rapist, he can't rape all of us.
Headless Man : [panicking] Yeah, no, I'm not a rapist!
Seth Rogen : You gonna tittyfuck us?
Headless Man : [almost in tears] If you want me to tittyfuck you, I will, so good, oh, you'll love it!
Jay Baruchel : Seth, back me up, please, we can't just leave him out there to die, are you crazy?
James Franco : [to Seth] What do you wanna do? I'll do whatever you wanna do.
Seth Rogen : Uh, let's vote on it!
Headless Man : Yeah, I fuckin' vote you let me in!
Danny McBride : Here's my vote: fuck all of you, I'm letting him in. This is boring.
[the guys all shout and rush to stop him; something growls outside]
Headless Man : There's something out here!
[the thing outside suddenly chops the man's head off, and the severed head bounces into the room, coming to a stop at Danny's feet]
Danny McBride : [in shock] This is real! This is fucking real!
[he kicks the head at James, who kicks it away from him immediately. The guys all start screaming and kicking the head around the room to get away from it]
Jonah Hill : You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!
James Franco : Pick it up, Jonah.
[Jonah picks up the head and immediately drops it again as blood gushes out of it]
Danny McBride : What the fuck is going on?
Jonah Hill : He blinked at me! He blinked at me!
James Franco : Put it over there!
[quivering in fear, Craig throws a blanket over the head]
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Seth Rogen : Danny, no! Don't walk away! Danny, don't walk away from me!
Danny McBride : [continuing to walk away] It's too late, Seth! I've already walked away too much!
Seth Rogen : No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fucking turn around and come back and help me.
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Seth Rogen : It's already going crazy out there, guys! We can't leave. I'm not leaving. Okay? I'm a victim! I've had a victim's mentality my whole life, people can smell it on me! When I was a kid, I had man titties. The bullies held me down, they titty fucked me!
James Franco : That's what's happening out there right now!
Craig Robinson : We are all soft.
Seth Rogen : Yeah.
Craig Robinson : We are all soft! We are actors, we pretend to be hard, man! We soft as baby shit!
James Franco : As baby shit!
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Jay Baruchel : [about to exorcise Jonah Hill] Jonah Hill.
Possessed Jonah Hill : Jonah Hill is no more.
Jay Baruchel : Demon!
Possessed Jonah Hill : Yes!
Seth Rogen : Fuck. That's not good.
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Seth Rogen : Jay, are you serious right now? That's your fucking plan? You're gonna repeat lines from the exorcist?
Jay Baruchel : I would assume they did their fucking research.
Seth Rogen : It's a movie!
Jay Baruchel : It's a manual. It's a fucking training manual.
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Possessed Jonah Hill : [holding Seth down] I'm gonna titty fuck you, Seth.
Seth Rogen : Don't titty fuck me!
Possessed Jonah Hill : What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH THEM TOGETHER!
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Seth Rogen : [after falling through a hole in the house] I broke my ass in half.
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[after finding James' secret stash of food]
Craig Robinson : What the fuck is all this, Franco?
James Franco : Uh... it looks like food! How'd that get there?
Seth Rogen : What? You have more food?
Craig Robinson : You knew he had extra food?
Seth Rogen : He gave me one cracker!
Craig Robinson : I would have sucked a dick for half a cracker!
James Franco : Alright, well, maybe I didn't want you to suck my dick, alright!
Craig Robinson : I didn't want to suck it! That's the point of what I said!
