When I was a kid, or teenager in 1990, my friends loved the song "B Girls" by Young & Restless. (For those who don't know, it has the chorus that contains: "B stands for Bronco, big BMW, babe..") I wasn't the biggest fan of the song, even though it was catchy, but it my group of friend's "theme song." In honor of them and the fact District 13 – Ultimatum's original was actually titled District "B"13, I will present the 13 Best B's for this B-Movie:
1. B – Bad Acting. That goes without saying, but c'mon. Even Jackie Chan's back up dancers have more of a feel around a set, or camera.
2. B – Bland. Nothing new. Barely any thought process. Sure, they used a very expensive painting as a prop, but, again, Jackie thought of that already
in his sleep.
3. B – Bloated. Too much of nothing. It would've been a great short. Or 22 minute intro to a new MST3k episode.
4. B – Basic. By the numbers action, when it actually comes. (I should add: B – Blink or don't blink and you'll miss the action.)
5. B – Brand Name Distorted. Sure, the first movie was a live-action cartoon, but at least it was fun and not to be taken seriously. This time around, they ask you to laugh at it.
6. B – Butt Shot. No, guys, not a female, though they (SPOILER!) want you to believe (for far too long) that it's a female behind. Give it up, you thirteen-year-olds, or is that target audience?
7. (and 8.) B – Bad Dialogue and Choreography. I don't know which is worse. The constant need to repeat the same shot 4-5 times (we got it already and it wasn't impressive the first time) or hear the words from their mouths that would make even Godzilla run.
9. B – Balls 'N' Blame. I know we covered the male's backside, how about the front. They certainly had the balls to make this crud. I actually enjoyed the first one. And this one's years after the first one. They had plenty of time to think this out.
10. B – Buffoons. As in, the actors, directors and writers. You go back to the early Jackie Chan films and there's no comparison. As arrogant Jackie is, he wouldn't let this happen even on his worst day. When he had a migraine. When he was injured. When he was in surgery.
11. B – Break out. The "Prison Escape Scene" was hilarious(ly bad.) Take a lesson from Prison Break. There's a reason that was cancelled, and I hope this is just 2/2.
12. B – Believability = Nonexistent. At least The Matrix had a reason they could do what they did.
13. B – Boring. Yep, the scenes that they would like you to believe as "action" were as exciting as a Mentos commercial. If you're not laughing at the enormously had dialogue (or Belle's hair) you're yawning at the Disney channel's version of a Michael Bay film.
Yeah, this was a stretch. But, there's no reason to see this. And as for that preposterously laugh out loud finale, you're the blame for getting that far. (I know I did, and even though I'm not Catholic, I'm currently Googling how many "Hail Mary's" I need to perform.)