Mordecai: Cleanse them. Cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin. Bathe them in the crimson of...


Mordecai: Am I on speakerphone?

Hadley: No. Absolutely not. Speakerphone, no. No, I wouldn't do that.

Mordecai: Yes, I am. I-I can hear the echo.

Hadley: Oh, my God. You're, uh, you're right. Hang on one second, I'll take you off.

Mordecai: That's rude. I don- I don't know who's in the room.

Dana: I'm so sorry I almost shot you... I probably wouldn't have.

Marty: Hey. Hey, no, shh, no. I totally get it.

[pauses to light a reefer]

Marty: I'm sorry I let you get attacked by a werewolf and then ended the world.

Mordecai: Don't take this lightly, boy. It wasn't all by your numbers. The Fool nearly derailed the invocation with his insolence. The Ancient Ones see everything. And they will not be... I'm still on speakerphone, aren't I?

Hadley: [everyone laughing hysterically] Oh my God. Mordecai! I can't believe it. It did it again! Mordy? What happens next?

Marty: Statistical fact. Cops will never pull over a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they... and he will bind them... with ancient logics.

Labcoat Girl: Wait. That's not fair. I had zombies, too!

Sitterson: Yes, you did. Yes, you had zombies. But this is "Zombie Redneck Torture Family," see? They're entirely separate species. Like the difference between an elephant and an elephant seal.

Marty: Yeah, I, uh, I had to dismember that guy with a trowel. What have you been up to?

Sitterson: No, they have to make the choice of their own free will. Otherwise, the system doesn't work. It's like ike the Harbinger. It's this creepy old fuck, practically wears a sign, "You will die." Why do we put him there? The system. They have to choose to ignore him, and they have to choose what happens in the cellar. Yeah, we rig the game as much as we need to, but in the end, they don't transgress...

Hadley: They can't be punished.

Dana: Me? Virgin?

The Director: We work with what we have.

Hadley: [sighs] These fucking zombies. Remember when you could just throw a girl in a volcano?

Sitterson: How old do you think I am?

Marty: Okay, I'm drawing a line in the fucking sand, here. Do not read the Latin.

Marty: Good work, zombie arm.

Sitterson: Oh, man. I'm sorry.

Hadley: He had the conch in his hands!

Sitterson: I know. I know. A couple more minutes, who knows what might've happened? Yes.

Hadley: I am never gonna see a merman. Ever.

Sitterson: Dude, be thankful. Those things are terrifying. And the cleanup on them is a nightmare.

Curt: [to Dana] You shoud read... this. Gurovsky. Now, this is way more interesting. Also, Bennett doesn't know it by heart, so he'll think you're insightful. And you have no pants.

Marty: [referring to a one-way mirror that was discovered] It was the pioneer days. People had to make their own interrogation rooms.

Operations Guy: Uh, I have the Harbinger on line two.

Hadley: Oh, Christ. Uh, can you take a message?

[last lines]

Marty: [incredulous] Giant evil gods.

Dana: I wish I could've seen them.

Marty: I know. That would have been a fun weekend.

Marty: Okay, my turn! Jules!

Jules: Mmm?

Marty: Truth or dare?

Jules: Let's go dare.

Marty: All right. I dare you... to make out with...

Curt: Please say "Dana," please say "Dana," please say "Dana."

Marty: ...that moose, over there.

Dana: Um, Marty? Have you ever seen a moose before?

Marty: Whatever that mysterious beast is.

Curt: That's a wolf.

Holden: That's clearly a wolf.

Marty: [after discovering a hidden camera] Oh, my God. I'm on a reality TV show. My parents are gonna think I'm such a burnout.

Daniel Truman: [seeing zombies] They're like something from a nightmare.

Lin: No. They're something nightmares are from.

Sitterson: You see this?

Lin: Perfect record, huh?

Sitterson: The Japan crew should've had this in the ba.! They fucked us! How hard is it to kill nine-year-olds?

[Curt sees that Jules is holding textbooks about Soviet economics and the Cold War]

Curt: What is this? What are these? What are you doing with these?

Dana: Okay. I get it. I'll leave the books.

Curt: [angrily to Jules] No, no, no. Who gave you these? Who taught you about these?

Jules: I learned it from you! Okay? I learned it from watching you!

[She runs out of the room in tears. Curt laughs]

Lin: Whatever he's been smoking's been immunizing him to all our shit.

Curt: [while staring at the lake] Hey, what is that?

Dana: What?

Curt: In the lake, right there.

Dana: Oh, come on.

Dana: You guys, I'm serious. There! There! God, it looks just like my girlfriend!

[pushes Jules into the water]

Marty: We are not who we are.

[Realizing that he's stoned]

Marty: I'm gonna go read a book with pictures.

Marty: [whispers] Puppeteers...

Dana: Puppeteers?

Marty: Pop-Tarts? Did you say you have Pop-Tarts?

Marty: [drives up smoking a bong] People in this town drive in a very counterintuitive manner.

Curt: Look, you guys just stay in the Rambler. I'll get help. If I wipe out, I'll fucking limp for help. But I'm coming back here. I'm coming back with cops and choppers and large fucking guns, and those things are going to pay... For Jules.

Dana: I don't think Curt even has a cousin.

Marty: And I think I can get it to go down.

Dana: Do we wanna go down?

Sitterson: This we offer in humility and fear. For the blessed peace of your eternal slumber. As it ever was.

Hadley: As it ever was.

Dana: Army of nightmares, huh?

[starts fliping switches and pressing buttons on control panel then sees the Purge button]

Dana: Let's get this party started.

[hits purge button, releasing all the monsters]

Marty: [to Dana kissing Holden] He's got a husband's bulge.

Dana: Thanks... For, uh... being decent.

Holden: No, it's the least I could do, since Curt and Jules sold you to me for marriage.

[first lines]

Hadley: It's... hormonal. Yeah, I don't... usually fall back on, you know, it's-it's women's issues, but...

Sitterson: But child-proofed how? Gates and stuff?

Hadley: Dude, she did the drawers. We don't even know if this whole fertility thing's gonna work. She screwed in these little jobbies where you can't even open the drawers.

Sitterson: At all?

Hadley: No. They open, you know, like an inch, then you gotta dig your finger in. I mean, it's a nightmare.

Sitterson: I guess sooner or later...

Hadley: Yeah, well, a *lot* later. She did the *upper* cabinets. Kid'll be 30 before he can reach 'em, assuming, you know, we have a kid.

P.A. Voice: Attention...

[P.A. message continues, indistinct]

Sitterson: It is natural for her to feel protective.

Hadley: Don't even... You have women's issues.

Sitterson: Please. You of all people.

Hadley: Oh, come on. It's a jinx. It- it guarantees that we won't get pregnant. And it takes me about 20 minutes to get a fuckin' beer.

Lin: Do we pipe it in, or do you wanna do it orally?

Sitterson: [closes eyes] Ask me that again, only slower.

The Director: [over intercom] You've seen horrible things. An army of nightmare creatures. But they are nothing compared to what came before. What lies below. It's our task to placate the Ancient Ones. As it's yours to be offered up to them. Forgive us. And let us get it over with.

Hadley: So, should we call Japan? Tell them to take the rest of the weekend off?

Sitterson: Yeah, right. They're Japanese. What are they gonna do? Relax?

Hadley: I'd just like to see them fall on their asses for once.

Curt: [seeing old gas pump] I'm thinking this thing doesn't take credit cards.

Marty: I don't think it knows about money.

Dana: The whole world, Marty.

The Director: ...Is in your hands, Dana. There is no other way. You have to be strong.

Marty: [sarcastically] Yeah, Dana. You feeling strong?

[the Zombie Redneck Torture Family are attacking the cabin]

Curt: Look. We gotta lock this place down.

Marty: He's right.

Curt: We'll go room by room. Barricade every window and door. We gotta play it safe. No matter what happens, we have to stay together.

Hadley: [Watching the kids from the control room, Hadley slaps his forehead] Fuck!

Sitterson: Calm down. Watch the master work.

[Sitterson pushes buttons on the control panel. A grille opens in a cabin wall and a gas pours through it; Curt enters the room and is affected by the gas at once]

Curt: This isn't right.

Holden: What? What's the matter?

Curt: Th-This isn't right. We should split up. We-We can cover more ground that way.

Holden: [also affected by the gas] Yeah... Yeah. Good idea.

Marty: [in disbelief that they just said something so stupid] Really?

[a zombie's axe crashes through a wall]

Curt: You guys, you guys, get in your rooms.

[Marty has a protesting expression as his friends run to different rooms. Cut to Hadley placidly eating popcorn]

Hadley: Lock 'em in.

[During the celebration, Sitterson approaches the demolition crew, who did not blow up the tunnel when he expected them to]

Sitterson: You knuckleheads! You almost gave me a heart attack with that tunnel.

Demo Guy #2: Like I said, it wasn't our fault. We didn't get the order.

Sitterson: [laughing] Okay. All right, I'm just giving you a hard time. Come on. Give us a hug.

Demo Guy #2: [stopping him] Hey.

Demo Guy #1: No, seriously. That wasn't our fault.

Demo Girl: There was a glitch. Power re-route from upstairs.

Sitterson: [suddenly serious] What do you mean, "upstairs"?

[a red telephone on the wall rings. Sitterson and Hadley look across the room at each other, and at it]

Hadley: Turn the fucking music off.

[the music cuts off and Hadley fearfully walks over to answer the phone. He speaks, with pauses between each line]

Hadley: Hello? That's impossible. Everything was done within the guidelines. The virgin's the only one... No. I- I am not doubting you.

[He turns, wide-eyed, to look at the big screens]

Hadley: Which one?

Lin: Guys, guys, Stockholm went south.

Sitterson: Seriously? I thought they were lookin' good.

Hadley: What cracked?

Lin: I haven't seen the footage. Word is just going around.

Hadley: Well, it's never been a stable scenario. Everyone knows you can't trust Swedes.

Lin: That means there's just Japan. Japan and us.

Hadley: Well, it's not the first time that it's come down to that.

Sitterson: Japan has a perfect record.

Hadley: And we're number 2. We try harder.

Lin: But guys, if we fail, then...

Sitterson: Please, we haven't had a glitch since '98.

Hadley: We know what we're doin', Lin. Or we have it written down... somewhere.

Lin: You guys better not be messing around in there.

Sitterson: Ooh, does this mean you're not in the betting pool this year? Big money.

Lin: I mean- I am just saying it's a key scenario.

Hadley: No, I- I hear what you're sayin'.

Hadley: [to Sitterson] In '98 it was Chem. Department's fault, right?

Hadley: [to Lin] Where do you work again? Wait...

Hadley: [drives off] ... it's coming back to me now. It's going to be a long weekend if everyone's that puckered up

[Sitterson sips the edge of his coffee under the lid]

Hadley: So you wanna come over Monday night? I'm gonna pick up some power drills, liberate my cabinets.


Hadley: Are you even... listening to me?

Sitterson: All right, Last chance. It's post time. Dig deep, people. Betting windows are closing.

Hadley: Okay, who's still out?

Sitterson: Uh... well, let's see. We've got Engineering, we got R&D, and we got Electrical.

Hadley: [laughs] Did you see who they picked? They're practically giving their money away.

Sitterson: You should talk, Aquaman.


Hadley: What do you mean?

Sitterson: Ah, nothing.

Jules: I hope this is the right road? It doesn't even show up on GPS - it's unworthy of global positioning.