Cabbie: I don't go to Chinatown, I don't drive wackos, and I ain't afraid of no ghosts!
Patty Tolan: [about Rowan's huge transformation] What part of "small and friendly" did he not understand?
Patty Tolan: [as a ghost leaves on the subway] I guess he's going to Queens - he's going to be the third scariest thing on that train.
Jillian Holtzmann: [eating Pringles chips from the can] Just try saying no to these salty parabolas!
[sees Erin pounding on the windows of the restaurant]
Jennifer Lynch: She thinks it's a sliding door. She thinks they're all doors. That's sad - she's a scientist.
Kevin: Would it be okay if I bring Mike Hat to work sometimes? He has major anxiety problems.
Abby Yates: You know what? I would love to let your cat live here with you, but I have a pretty severe cat allergy.
Kevin: Oh, I don't have a cat. He's a dog. His name's Mike Hat.
Abby Yates: Your dog's name is Mike Hat?
Kevin: Mike Hat.
Erin Gilbert: Your dog's name is Mike, last name Hat?
Kevin: Well, his full name is Michael Hat.
Abby Yates: I can't say that I'm allergic to dogs... so.
Kevin: You know, it's all right. He lives with my mum.
Patty Tolan: [seeing a room filled with mannequins] Okay, room full of nightmares.
Jillian Holtzmann: [smashes a guitar on stage and hands it back to its owner] Sorry. I can't buy you another one.
Kevin: You know, an aquarium is a submarine for fish.
Mayor Bradley: Never compare me to the mayor in Jaws! Never!
Jillian Holtzmann: You guys, this is exactly how I pictured my death!
Agent Rorke: Sheriff in New Mexico reports a UFO encounter, the crew of the S.S. Ourang Medan dies mysteriously, the entire town of Langville, Montana goes missing.
Jillian Holtzmann: It does?
Abby Yates: Okay, but we're talking about relocating. No one's being killed here. Right?
Mayor Bradley: They were turned inside out.
Erin Gilbert: Their skin is on the inside of their body?
Mayor Bradley: Their skin is on the inside of their body because their organs are on the outside.
Abby Yates: But, they're okay, right?
Mayor Bradley: Sure.
Jillian Holtzmann: I think they're dead...
Jillian Holtzmann: Virgo. Avid skier. Gluten-full. And 100% jazzed to meet you.
Abby Yates: I'm just looking for a reasonable ratio of wontons to soup, this is madness!
Jillian Holtzmann: [singing like Glinda in "The Wizard of Oz"] Come out, come out, wherever you are...
Jillian Holtzmann: Booyah! Emphasis on the boo.
Tour Guide Garrett: Now, I'm gonna tell you something a little spooky. The morning of October 25, 1894, Sir Aldridge awoke furious when his breakfast was not waiting for him. So, he called to his servants, but none of them responded. Why? Because, during the night, one by one they had each been stabbed to death in their sleep. It was later discovered that they were murdered by his eldest daughter, Gertrude Aldridge. Sir Aldridge once wrote in his diary, 'I know God makes no mistakes, but I believe he may have been drunk when he built Gertrude's personality.'
Patty Tolan: It smells like burnt baloney and regrets down here.
Abby Yates: We just gave a ghost a nuke, we should probably run.
Patty Tolan: [Presenting the hearse to the other ghostbusters] You get a car! And you get a car! And YOU get a car!
Tour Guide Garrett: The Aldridge Mansion is the only 19th century home in New York City preserved both inside and out. At the time of its construction, it was one of the most elegant homes in existence featuring every luxury including a face bidet and an anti-Irish security fence.
Jillian Holtzmann: You just got Holtzmanned, baby!
Rowan North: [to the Ghostbusters] You shoot like girls!
Erin Gilbert: Kevin? That's a manly name! My name's Erin. With an E... for Every... thing you want.
[Everyone notices a ghost perched on Patty's shoulders]
Abby Yates: Patty! Don't move!
Erin Gilbert: You got a, uh...
Patty Tolan: Nope, I'm tired.
Erin Gilbert: No. You got a...
Patty Tolan: I'm just gonna go ahead and take off. How about that?
Erin Gilbert: I, I don't really think that's a good idea.
Patty Tolan: No. I'm gonna take off. Don't piss off the ghost.
[as Patty slowly walks out of the crowd, a crowd member takes a selfie with Patty and the ghost]
Patty Tolan: Really?
Famous Rock Star: [after seeing the dragon ghost] Sharon! I think I'm having a flashback!
Patty Tolan: Up above us was the old New York prison. It's the first place in New York that they electrocuted people. I'm telling you, it used to take so long that they just be like, 'Shoot em! We using too much electricity.'
Kevin: That man went through the wrong door.
Abby Yates: [seeing Slimer drive past in the Ghostbusters' car] Well, that thing is having the time of its life.
[disassembling Rowan's device]
Jillian Holtzmann: I would have used aluminum but I'm crazy.
Erin Gilbert: Proton guns are all well and good, but sometimes you need the Swiss Army.
[after playing the "farting" EVP tape to Erin]
Jillian Holtzmann: Is it more or less disgusting if I tell you it came out the front?
Rowan North: Charge the lines, create the vortex, break the barriers.
Agent Rorke: Who's the flying beefcake?
Erin Gilbert: Books can't fly and neither can babies!
Martin Heiss: Why are you pretending to capture ghosts?
Abby Yates: It's really easy sit there and be the naysayer when you don't actually do anything.
Abby Yates: [on Kevin] We like him, despite his many, many frustrating quirks!
Abby Yates: Come on Rowan, show yourself!
Rowan North: [disembodied voice] What form would you prefer I take?
Jillian Holtzmann: Uh, maybe something stationary. Like a bull's-eye.
Patty Tolan: Well I'll tell you what I prefer. I prefer something nice and cute, like a friendly little ghost.
Rowan North: [Manifests as the Ghostbuster's logo] Oh. Is that what you want? Something more familiar?
Dean: I will not let the 12-year reputation of this fine institution be besmirched by you!
Abby Yates: Oh, come on! Suddenly this place has a classy reputation to uphold? You're only dean now because the least dean went to jail.
Dean: Are you saying that I'm not qualified?
Abby Yates: You spell science with a "Y". And what's upsetting about that is I don't think you know that that's wrong.
Kevin: Is it the boobs you don't like? Because I can make them... bigger.
Abby Yates: [on Rowan] It's always the sad, pale ones.
[Patty jumps into the mosh pit, but the crowd moves away, causing her to crash to the ground]
Patty Tolan: Okay, I don't know if it was a race thing or a lady thing, but I'm mad as hell.
Patty Tolan: Ah hell naw, the Devil is a liar! Get out of my friend, ghost! The power of Patty compels you!
Abby Yates: We need to reverse the portal. It's gonna take an insane amount of energy!
Erin Gilbert: Oh my god, you killed a pilgrim!
Erin Gilbert: That stuff went everywhere, by the way. In every crack.
[examining one of Rowan's devices]
Abby Yates: I'm smelling both electrical discharge and isotopic decay.
Patty Tolan: I heard something really weird, what's 'Zuul'?