[Tony sets a fire in the diner's kitchen to keep out Brandt, she just walks right through it]
Tony Stark: You walked right into this one: I've dated hotter chicks than you.
Brandt: [scoffs] Is that all you've got? A cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner?
Tony Stark: Sweetheart, that could be the name of my autobiography.
[Tony ducks out the back as his hidden booby-trap blows up the kitchen, killing Brandt]
Tony Stark: So, uhh, who's home?
Harley Keener: Well, my mom already left for the diner, and dad went to 7-Eleven to get scratchers... I guess he won, 'cause that was six years ago.
Tony Stark: Hmm... which happens, dads leave, no need to be a pussy about it, here's what I need...
Tony Stark: A laptop, a digital watch, a cell phone, the pneumatic actuator from your bazooka over there, a map of town, a big spring, and a tuna fish sandwich.
Harley Keener: What's in it for me?
Tony Stark: Salvation. What's his name?
Harley Keener: Who?
Tony Stark: The kid that bullies you at school. What's his name?
Harley Keener: How'd you know that?
Tony Stark: I got just the thing.
[Stark ejects a flare canister from one of Mark 42's panels]
Tony Stark: This is a piñata for a cricket. I'm kidding, it's a very powerful weapon. Point it away from your face, press the button on top. It discourages bullying. Non-lethal, just to cover one's ass. Deal. Deal? What'd you say?
[Stark tries to make Harley grab the canister]
Harley Keener: Deal.
[Stark gives Harley the canister]
Tony Stark: What's your name?
Harley Keener: Harley. And you're...
Tony Stark: The mechanic. Tony.
Tony Stark: You know what keeps going through my head? Where's my sandwich?
Tony Stark: I'm Tony Stark. I build neat stuff, got a great girl, occasionally save the world. So why can't I sleep?
Jarvis: Mark 42 inbound.
[Stark sees the MK42 armor flying toward the battlefield]
Tony Stark: I'll be damned. The prodigal son returns.
[Stark summons Mark 42 to come to him, but it hits a pole and breaks into pieces]
Tony Stark: Whatever.
Aldrich Killian: You really didn't deserve her, Tony. It's a pity. I was so close to having her... perfect.
[jumps down to confront Tony]
Tony Stark: OK, OK, wait, wait, slow down, slow down! You're right... I don't deserve her. Here's where you're wrong: she was already perfect.
[Stark summons the Mark 42 pieces to assemble on Killian and attach him against the wall]
Tony Stark: Jarvis, do me a favor and blow Mark 42.
Aldrich Killian: NOOO!
[the suit explodes]
[after Tony Stark incapacitates almost all the Mandarin's guards, the last one quickly surrenders]
Reluctant AIM Guard: Honestly, I hate working here. They are so weird.
[Tony waves goodbye, the guard runs out]
Tony Stark: [narrates] My armor was never a distraction or a hobby, it was a cocoon, and now I'm a changed man. You can take away my house, all my tricks and toys, but one thing you can't take away - I am Iron Man.
Harley Keener: Admit it, you need me. We're connected.
Tony Stark: What I need is for you to go home, be with your mom, keep your trap shut, guard the suit, and stay connected to the telephone, 'cause if I call you, you better pick up.
Tony Stark: [about to get in car] Can you feel that? We're done here. Move out of the way or I'm gonna run you over. Bye, kid.
[Tony gets in car, but Harley continues to stand next to it. Tony rolls down window]
Tony Stark: I'm sorry, kid, you did good.
Harley Keener: So you're just gonna leave me here? Like my dad?
Tony Stark: [Casually] Yeah.
[Tony pauses again]
Tony Stark: Wait, you're guilt tripping me aren't you?
[Harley buries head in coat]
Harley Keener: [Innocently] I'm cold.
Tony Stark: [Mimicking Harley] I can tell. You know how I can tell?
Tony Stark: [Sarcastically] Cause' we're connected!
[Tony drives away]
Harley Keener: [Normal voice] It was worth a shot.
[Tony tries to embrace Pepper]
Pepper Potts: Don't!
Tony Stark: It's okay...
Pepper Potts: I'm hot, I'll hurt you!
Tony Stark: [touches Pepper] No, you won't. See? Not hot.
Pepper Potts: Am I going to be okay?
Tony Stark: No. You're in a relationship with me, nothing will ever be okay. But I had this twenty years ago when I was drunk, I can sort it out. I fix stuff.
Pepper Potts: Who's the hot mess now?
[a call-back to Tony's early statement to Pepper that he was a "piping hot mess."]
Tony Stark: That's debatable. But you look great like this, the repulsor and the sports bra...
Pepper Potts: I think I understand why you don't want to give up the suits. What have I got to complain about now?
Tony Stark: Well, it's me. You'll find something.
Tony Stark: Stop stopping!
The Mandarin: A true story about fortune cookies. They look Chinese. They sound... Chinese. But they're actually an American invention. Which is why they're hollow, full of lies, and leave a bad taste in the mouth.
[smashes fortune cookies on the table with his fist]
The Mandarin: My disciples just destroyed another cheap American knockoff: the Chinese Theatre. Mr. President, I know this must be getting frustrating, but this season of terror is drawing to a close. And don't worry. The 'Big One' is coming: your graduation.
Tony Stark: [Narrates] A famous man once said, 'We create our own demons.' Who said that? What does that even mean? Doesn't matter. I said it 'cause he said it. So now, he was famous and that basically getting said by two well-known guys. I don't, uh... I'm gonna start again.
Tony Stark: Let's track this from the beginning.
Tony Stark: I'm gonna find a heavy-duty comm sat now, I need your login.
Colonel James Rhodes: It's same as it's always been, "WarMachine68."
Tony Stark: And a password, please.
Colonel James Rhodes: Well, look, I gotta change it every time you hack in, Tony.
Tony Stark: It's not the '80s, nobody says "hack" anymore. Give me your login.
Colonel James Rhodes: "WAR MACHINE ROX" with an "X," all caps.
Tony Stark: [laughs]
Colonel James Rhodes: Yeah, okay.
Tony Stark: That is so much better than "Iron Patriot."
Operator: Stark Secure Server: now transferring to all known receivers.
Tony Stark: Pepper, it's me. I've got a lot of apologies to make and not a lot of time, so... first off. I'm so sorry I put you in harm's way. That was selfish and stupid and it won't happen again. Also, it's Christmas time. The rabbit's too big. Done. Sorry. And I'm sorry in advance because... I can't come home yet.
Tony Stark: I need to find this guy. You gotta stay safe. That's all I know. I just stole a poncho from a wooden Indian.
Tony Stark: [to Pepper] Things are different now, I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you.
Pepper Potts: ...and all your distractions?
Tony Stark: Uh, I'm going to shave them down a bit...
Tony Stark: Jarvis. Hey.
Jarvis: All wrapped up here, sir. Will there be anything else?
Tony Stark: You know what to do.
Jarvis: The Clean Slate Protocol, sir?
Tony Stark: Screw it, it's Christmas! Yes, yes!
[One by one the suits explode]
Tony Stark: [embraces Pepper] OK so far? You like it?
Pepper Potts: [crying] It'll do.
[catching eleven freefalling passengers]
Tony Stark: Remember that game, Barrel of Monkeys? This is how it is: we got to catch all the monkeys!
The Mandarin: Some people call me a terrorist. I consider myself a teacher. America, ready for another lesson? In 1864, in Sand Creek, Colorado, the U.S. Military waited until the friendly Cheyenne Braves had all gone hunting. Waited to attack and slaughter the families left behind. And claim their land. Thirty-nine hours ago, the Ali al-Salam Air Base in Kuwait was attacked. I, I, I did that. A quaint military church, filled with wives and children, of course. The soldiers were out on maneuvers. The 'Braves' were away. President Ellis, you continue to resist my attempts to educate you, sir. And now, you've missed me again. You don't know who I am. You don't know where I am. And you'll NEVER see me coming.
[President is wearing the Iron Patriot armor]
Colonel James Rhodes: You look damn good, Mr. President. But I'm gonna need that suit back.
[Stark approaches his car, flanked by news reporter. One videographer behind him points his smartphone at him]
Videographer: Hey Mr. Stark. When is somebody going to kill this guy? Just sayin'.
[Stark turns around to face the videographer]
Tony Stark: Is that what you want?
Tony Stark: Here's a little Holiday greeting I've been wanting to send to the Mandarin. I just didn't know how to phrase it until now. My name is Tony Stark and I'm not afraid of you. I know you're a coward, so I decided... that you just died, pal. I'm gonna come get the body. There's no politics here, it's just good old-fashioned revenge. There's no Pentagon. It's just you and me. And on the off-chance you're a man, here's my home address: 10880 Malibu Point, 90265. I'll leave the door unlocked. That's what you wanted, right?
[Stark grabs the smartphone and throws it against a column before entering his car]
Tony Stark: Bill me.
[Stark sits down and attempts to remove the microchips from his left forearm when Harley suddenly appears at the front door, aiming his potato gun at him]
Harley Keener: Freeze!
[Stark drops the pliers]
Harley Keener: Don't... move!
Tony Stark: [Raises hands] You got me.
[Stark looks at the potato gun]
Tony Stark: Nice potato gun. Barrel's a little long. Between that and the wide gauge, it's going to diminish your FPS...
[Harley shoots a bottle off a column]
Tony Stark: And now you're out of ammo.
Harley Keener: What's that thing on your chest?
Tony Stark: It's a... electromagnet. You should know. You've got a box of them right here.
[points at box on table]
Harley Keener: What does it power?
[Stark points the table lamp toward the Mark 42 armor sitting on the couch]
Harley Keener: Oh my God!
[Harley approaches suit]
Harley Keener: That's... is that... Iron Man?
Tony Stark: Technically, I am Iron Man.
Harley Keener: Technically, you're dead.
[Harley hands Stark a newspaper with the headline of the destruction of Stark's mansion]
Tony Stark: Valid point.
Harley Keener: What happened to him?
Tony Stark: Life. I built him. I take care of him. I'll fix him.
Harley Keener: Like a mechanic?
Tony Stark: Yeah.
The Mandarin: I'm gonna offer the choice: do you want an empty life, or a meaningful death?
Tony Stark: A bomb is not a bomb when it's a misfire.
Jarvis: I seem to do quite well for a stretch, and then at the end of the sentence I say the wrong cranberry.
Harley Keener: If I was building Iron Man and War Machine...
Tony Stark: It's Iron Patriot now.
Harley Keener: That's way cooler!
Tony Stark: No it's not.
Harley Keener: Anyways, I would have added in, um, the retro...
Tony Stark: Retro-reflective panels?
Harley Keener: To make him stealth mode.
Tony Stark: You want a stealth mode.
Harley Keener: Cool, right?
Tony Stark: That's actually a good idea. Maybe I'll build one.
[Harley accidentally breaks off one of Mark 42's fingers]
Tony Stark: Not a good idea.
Harley Keener: Oops.
Tony Stark: What are you doing? You gonna break his finger? He's in pain. He's been injured. Leave him alone.
Harley Keener: S-sorry.
Tony Stark: Are you?
Tony Stark: Don't worry about it. I'll fix it.
Aldrich Killian: The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
[Stark enters the Mandarin's bedroom. He uncovers the bedsheet, only to find two women. He motions them to be silent before sneaking behind the bed when he hears the toilet flush. The Mandarin exits the bathroom]
Trevor Slattery: I wouldn't go in there for 20 minutes!
Trevor Slattery: So which one of you is Vanessa?
[Vanessa raises her hand]
Trevor Slattery: Ah, Nessie!
[Throws fortune cookie to her]
Trevor Slattery: Did you know that fortune cookies aren't Chinese? They're American, based on a Japanese recipe.
Mandarin Party Girl #1: There's some guy over here...
[Stark suddenly appears, pointing a gun at The Mandarin]
Tony Stark: Freeze!
Trevor Slattery: [raises hands] Bloody hell. Bloody hell.
Tony Stark: [to little boy] I loved you in "A Christmas Story," by the way.
Trevor Slattery: Ah, well, I had a little problem with... substances, and I, uh, ended up doing things, no two ways about it, in the street, that a man shouldn't do...
Tony Stark: Next?
Trevor Slattery: Then, they approached me about the role, and they knew about the drugs...
Tony Stark: What did they say, they'd get you off them?
Trevor Slattery: Said they'd give me more!
Aldrich Killian: [referring to Trevor Slattery] You have met him, I presume?
Tony Stark: Yeah, Sir Laurence Oblivier.
Aldrich Killian: I know he's a little over the top sometimes. It's not entirely my fault. He has a tend... he's-he's a stage actor. They say his Lear was the toast of Croydon, wherever that is. Anyway, the point is, ever since that big dude with a hammer fell out of the sky, subtlety's kinda had its day.
Tony Stark: [narrates] Some people say progress is a bad thing. But try having a magnet in your chest keeping you alive.
Tony Stark: It's Christmas. Take 'em to Church.
Tony Stark: [after blasting a hole through Savin's chest] Walk away from that, you son of a bitch.
Tony Stark: [to Happy, who is pointing his tablet video-call camera too high, catching only the top half of his face] Is this the forehead of security?
Happy Hogan: You know, look... I got a real job. What do you want? I'm working. I've got something going on, here.
Tony Stark: What, harassing interns?
Happy Hogan: Let me tell you something. Do you know what happened when I told everyone I was Iron Man's bodyguard? They would laugh in my face. I had to leave while I still had a shred of dignity. Now I got a real job. I'm watching Pepper.
[after being frightened by Tony's suit]
Pepper Potts: I'm sleeping downstairs! Tinker with that!
The Mandarin: Mr. Stark, today is the first day of what's left of your life.
Colonel James Rhodes: [points a gun at Trevor] Tony, I swear, I'm going to blow his face off.
Neptune's Net Boy: [whispers to Tony] How did you get out of the wormhole?
Tony Stark: Nothing's been the same since New York.
Pepper Potts: Oh, really? I didn't notice that at all.
Tony Stark: You experience things and then they're over, and you still can't explain them. Gods, aliens, other dimensions. I'm just a man in a can. The only reason I haven't cracked up is probably because you moved in. Which is great. I love you. I'm lucky. But honey, I can't sleep. You go to bed, I come down here. I do what I know. I tinker. I... Threat is imminent. And I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you. And my suits, they're, uh... Machines. They're part of me.
Tony Stark: [narrates] I thought things couldn't get any worse... then I turned on the TV. That's when he happened.
Ho Yinsen: Mr. Stark. Ho Yinsen.
Tony Stark: Ah, I finally met a man called "Ho." Come here.
Ho Yinsen: I would like to introduce you to our guest, Dr. Wu.
Tony Stark: Oh, this guy. Hey.
Doctor Wu: Mr. Stark.
Tony Stark: You're a heart doctor.
[points to Maya]
Tony Stark: She's going to need a cardiologist after I...
[honks party horn and leaves with Maya]
Maya Hansen: Bye.
Ho Yinsen: Perhaps another time?
Tony Stark: Think about it. Six dead. Only five shadows.
Harley Keener: Yeah, people said these shadows are like the marks of souls going to heaven. Except the bomb guy. He went to hell, on account of he didn't get a shadow. That's why there's only five.
Tony Stark: You buy that?
Harley Keener: It's what everyone says.
Aldrich Killian: It's a beautiful day, Mr. Savin.
[Stark hurls a piano at a copter]
Tony Stark: That's one!
Trevor Slattery: [watching TV] OLE OLE OLE OLE!
Tony Stark: [to Ms. Davis] Your son didn't kill those people. He's not a murderer. He was used.
Bill Maher: [footage of Real Time] And how is the president responding? By taking the guy they call "War Machine" and giving him a paint job.
[the Iron Legion arrives]
Tony Stark: [to Rhodey] Merry Christmas, buddy.
[the Mandarin broadcasts his latest message to President Ellis on all networks]
The Mandarin: Mr. President. Only two lessons remain. And I intend to finish this before Christmas morning. Meet Thomas Richards. Good strong name, god strong job. Thomas here is an accountant for the Roxxon Oil Corporation. But I'm sure he's a really good guy.
[Richards sobs in fear as Mandarin points a gun down on him]
The Mandarin: I'm going to shoot him in the head, live on your television in 30 seconds. The number for this telephone is in your cell phone. Exciting, isn't it, imagining how it got there? America, if your President calls me in the next half-minute, Tom lives. Go!
[President Ellis checks his phone and discovers a phone number]
President Ellis: How did he hack my phone?
Secret Service Agent: We can't allow terrorists to dictate...
President Ellis: I have to make this call.
Secret Service Agent: I'd strongly advise against that.
President Ellis: This is the right thing to do.
[President Ellis calls the number. Mandarin's phone rings. After three rings, Mandarin shoots Richards, shocking everyone watching on television]
The Mandarin: There's just one lesson left, President Ellis. So run away, hide, kiss your children goodbye. Because nothing, not your army, not your red, white, and blue attack dog, can save you. I'll see you soon.
[Mandarin ends his broadcast]
President Ellis: Tell Rhodes, find this lunatic right now.
Aldrich Killian: But as I looked out over that city - nobody knew I was there, nobody could see me, no one was even looking - I had a thought that would guide me for years. Anonymity, Tony. Thanks to you, it's been my mantra ever since.
[glances at Maya]
Aldrich Killian: Right? You simply rule from behind the scenes. Because the second you give evil a face - a bin Laden, a Gaddafi, a Mandarin - you hand the people a target.
Aldrich Killian: The whole world's gonna be watching.
President Ellis: You elected me on a single platform. I will defend this country at all costs. The Mandarin must be stopped!
[from TV spot]
Tony Stark: I'm here on a mission: fighting back.
Maya Hansen: I need Stark alive! He's the only one who can improve on the Extremis, make it into what I want, and you want!
Taggert: [about to explode] Savin, help me!
Trevor Slattery: My name's Trevor. Trevor Slattery.
Tony Stark: What are you? You're a decoy, a double, right?
Trevor Slattery: What, you mean an understudy? No, certainly not!
[Tony raises his gun]
Trevor Slattery: Don't hurt the face, I'm an actor!
Tony Stark: You got a minute to live. Fill it with words.
Trevor Slattery: It's just a role. "The Mandarin." See, it's not real.
Tony Stark: [Narrates] I got Pepper straightened out... but then I thought to myself, "Why stop there." Of course there are people who say progress is dangerous, but none of those idiots ever had to live with a chest full of shrapnel. But now, neither will I. Let me tell you, that was the best piece of sleep I've had in years. So if I were to wrap this up tight with a bow - whatever - I guess I'd say my armor... it was never a distraction or a hobby, but a cocoon. And now, I'm a changed man. You can take away my house, all my tricks and toys, but one thing you can't take away - I am Iron Man.
Reluctant AIM Guard: [after Tony Stark incapacitates almost all Mandarin guards, the last one quickly surrenders] Don't shoot! Seriously, I don't even wanna work for them. They are so weird!
Gary the Cameraman: Mother I have to call you back something magical is happening! Tony Stark is in my van!
Joan Rivers: Same suit, but painted red, white, and blue. Look at that. And they also renamed him Iron Patriot. You know, just in case the paint was too subtle.
Tony Stark: I've heard enough. You're not him.
[racks his pistol]
Tony Stark: The Mandarin, the real guy.
Tony Stark: Where? Where's the Mandarin? Where is he?
Trevor Slattery: Whoa, whoa, whoa! He's here! He's here... but he's not here. He's here but he's not here.
Tony Stark: What do you mean?
Trevor Slattery: Uh, it's compli- hey, it's complicated.
Tony Stark: It is?
Trevor Slattery: It's complicated.
Tony Stark: Un-complicate it. Ladies, out. Get out of the bed, get in the bathroom!
[they rush to comply]
Tony Stark: [to Trevor] Sit!
Mandarin Party Girl #1: [from the bathroom] Ew!
Mandarin Party Girl #2: [from the bathroom] Oh, Jesus...