Garrett: What about anal? My straight friends tell me anal's the new oral.
Ned: I better go pick Jonah up before someone else does.
Garrett: [to Ned] You're not nearly as boring as you pretend to be.
Garrett: Bestiality, the final frontier.
Ned: Did that sweater look that gay on me.
Jeannie: I can see that what's happening here is a huge downer for you. You can add it to your list next to gay son, sucky job and wife who's over forty.
Garrett: And even cable isn't ready for cannibalism yet, but I do think a good flambe penis story you can put in on children's television, somewhere.
Jeannie: [after Ernie has berated Ethan and forced him to leave] He's just beginning it, Dad. It's a very difficult piece.
Ernie: [Angrily] If you learn it wrong, it's twice as difficult.
Jeannie: He's playing for enjoyment. He's not planning on being a professional.
Ernie: Well, the, guess it doesn't matter how he plays. You were never able to take criticism either.
Jeannie: I think it depends on how it's given.
Ernie: There's no easy way to give it. It's like medicine. You just gotta take it if you want to get better.
old woman at retirement home: Are you moving in, Hon, or just visiting?
Ernie: We're all just visiting.
Jeannie: [Talking about Ernie on the phone] No, he's not dead. He lives in New York.