Melissa McCarthy credited as playing...
Detective Connie Edwards
- Bubbles: [Connie tries to kick down a door and recoils in pain] God, are you alright?
- Connie Edwards: I ruptured my hymen.
- [on his friends, two siblings who inbred and had deformed children]
- Detective Connie Edwards: This is why you don't go fishing in your own gene pool!
- Bubbles: I've been searching public records on Sandra White, and guess what I found? Nothing. There is no Sandra White before two years ago. She didn't exist. Can I have one of those bananas?
- Connie Edwards: What? No, you can't. No! And what do you mean she didn't exist? Everybody exists. Social security numbers, tax records.
- Bubbles: Nada. But I tailed her to a rat trap of an apartment in Hollywood.
- Connie Edwards: What's she doing in a Hollywood apartment? She's got a big place up in the Palisades.
- Connie Edwards: [Phil shoots Sandra to save her life] Shit, Phil! That took you long enough, but...
- [clapping]
- Connie Edwards: Oh.
- [whooping]
- Connie Edwards: Oo-hoo-hoo! You finally did it, Phily! Attaboy! That was a nice shot. Fuck.
- Phil Philips: You all right?
- Connie Edwards: Yeah, I'm fine. You did good.
- Phil Philips: Yeah. You, too, kid.
- Connie Edwards: God, it's very hard to pull off all white like that.
- Phil Philips: What?
- Connie Edwards: I got to give her that.
- Phil Philips: Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Bubbles: Do you know what they'll do to a puppet ex-cop in prison? They will tear out all of his stuffing and fill him back up with rice pilaf. And then they'll fuck it.
- Connie Edwards: Okay, just...
- Bubbles: They fuck that rice pilaf until it's more like a mashed potato.
- Connie Edwards: Okay.
- Bubbles: It's a term they call "pilafing".
- Connie Edwards: All right, all right, all right. Move. You think you're the only one thinking about this stuff?
- Bubbles: I think about pilafing all the time.
- Connie Edwards: I'm not talking about pilafing.
- Connie Edwards: Look, if we want to get you off the hook for this, we gotta take down Sandra White.
- Phil Philips: All right. What are you thinking, partner?
- Connie Edwards: I am thinking about busting your ass out of here. Okay.
- Phil Philips: What are you gonna do?
- [she takes out her gun]
- Phil Philips: Wait, what are you doing?
- Connie Edwards: [shooting him] I'm gonna shoot you in the arm.
- Phil Philips: You *did* shoot me in the arm!
- Agent Campbell: Word on the street is that you did okay.
- Lt. Banning: Okay? Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.
- Phil Philips: Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero. I just got a lucky shot off.
- Connie Edwards: Come on.
- Agent Campbell: No hard feelings?
- Phil Philips: Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.
- Connie Edwards: Asshole says what?
- Agent Campbell: What?
- Connie Edwards: [laughing with Phil] I said, "Asshole says what?". And you said...
- Phil Philips: And you said, "What?".
- Connie Edwards: 'Cause you're an asshole.
- Phil Philips: Yeah.
- Agent Campbell: What?
- Connie Edwards: [laughing again] Every time.
- Phil Philips: Yeah.
- Connie Edwards: Always works on assholes.
- Phil Philips: You can't actually like me for these murders.
- Agent Campbell: We like you very much for these murders.
- Phil Philips: What's my motive?
- Agent Campbell: The reason most men do stupid things. A woman.
- [he turns the lights off and a one-way mirror to an adjacent room opens]
- Agent Campbell: Enjoy the show.
- Phil Philips: [seeing Sandra inside] What the hell is she doing here?
- Connie Edwards: Who is that?
- Phil Philips: It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.
- Lt. Banning: Actually, her name is Sandra Peterson. She walked into the federal building this morning and said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.
- Phil Philips: Hey, I didn't murder anybody.
- Connie Edwards: I didn't know Jenny was even married.
- Phil Philips: Neither did I.
- Lt. Banning: [turning on the intercom] Let's listen in.
- Sandra: Well, he said that he killed them. The entire Happytime Gang, even his own brother.
- Phil Philips: What?
- Agent Campbell: And why would he do that?
- Sandra: We've been having an affair, and he wanted to run away together. He said he killed them all so that I would get my wife Jenny's share, and then I'd be rich, and he could have me all to himself.
- Phil Philips: I should have kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.
- Connie Edwards: I know I didn't have your back before, but I had no juice to do it with, and now I do. The "Happytime" murders aren't about the money. 20 years ago, when you shot that man in front of his daughter, that little girl was Sandra White.
- Phil Philips: Holy shit.
- Connie Edwards: Yeah, holy shit.
- Phil Philips: So you have proof?
- Connie Edwards: Yes and no. We had proof until it was incinerated.
- Phil Philips: Hmm.
- Connie Edwards: Bubbles and I may have accidentally, uh, burned down the evidence.
- Phil Philips: What?
- Connie Edwards: But, boy, before that, I'll tell you what, lock her up.
- Phil Philips: Well, that would've been great, huh?
- Connie Edwards: Would have been epic.
- Phil Philips: Would have been nice.
- Connie Edwards: Yeah.
- Phil Philips: See you at my execution.
- Agent Campbell: Freeze, Philips!
- Phil Philips: You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.
- Agent Campbell: Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
- Phil Philips: Okay, I'm dropping it.
- Connie Edwards: [seeing the stand-off] Oh, shitcakes.
- Agent Campbell: Edwards! Drop the weapon!
- [she starts to lower it]
- Agent Campbell: Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
- Connie Edwards: I did!
- Agent Campbell: Now!
- Connie Edwards: What? Somebody wanna help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here? 'Cause he's obviously fuckin' blind.
- Agent Campbell: Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.
- Phil Philips: Jesus Christ.
- Connie Edwards: Asshole says what?
- Agent Campbell: What?
- Agent Campbell: You're done, Edwards. Consider yourself suspended. Give me your badge.
- Connie Edwards: Yeah? Great. Here. Fucking choke on it. Fuck all of you guys. Fuck you, Wreach. You know what?
- [taking his phone cable]
- Connie Edwards: It's my fucking charger that you never asked for and you never gave back.
- Agent Campbell: Nice.
- Connie Edwards: You all fucking suck.
- Agent Campbell: Yeah, yeah. Burn every bridge. Good.
- Connie Edwards: And you know what? Everybody knows Karen is not a real redhead.
- Carol: I'm a real redhead.
- Connie Edwards: No, you're not. You had enough bush coming out of your cutoffs at the family picnic to fucking choke a horse.
- Agent Campbell: Jeez.
- Connie Edwards: Carol, we never got to talk, but you seem cool. And I wish I would've fucked you, Donny.
- Donny: It's not too late.
- Connie Edwards: [startled upon finding Bubbles in her apartment] Oh, God damn it. How the hell did you get in here?
- Bubbles: It was actually very easy. I just picked the lock. It took me, like, under a minute.
- Connie Edwards: Oh, great. Apparently, anybody who wants to can just walk right into my apartment.
- Connie Edwards: We've got ourselves a good old-fashioned nutjob.
- Bubbles: Jeez, this must have taken years. This is one sick fuck.
- Connie Edwards: She's got 'em all.
- Bubbles: Detective Edwards, look.
- Connie Edwards: Boy, she's got a real sweet spot for our boy Phil, huh?
- Bubbles: Oh, poor Mr. P. Oh, my God.
- Connie Edwards: Wait a minute.
- Bubbles: What a psycho.
- Connie Edwards: [picking up a framed picture] What the hell is she doing with a picture of Jasper Jackabee and his daughter?
- Bubbles: Purple hair on a puppet, that's very rare.
- Connie Edwards: [remembering Agent Campbell's questioning of Sandra, she connects the dots] Oh, my God. I guess the carpet does match the drapes.
- Bubbles: I knew this skirt was see-through. I just don't like wearing underwear. I don't like the way it feels.
- Connie Edwards: I'm not talking about you. Sandra White is Jackabee's daughter.
- Bubbles: What a fucking psycho bitch.
- Connie Edwards: This room is like a signed confession from her. Also proves that Phil is innocent. We got her.
- Sandra: Stop right there!
- Phil Philips: Oh, what the fuck? Edwards! You all right?
- Connie Edwards: [with a gun to her head] It's deja fucking vu, Phil.
- Phil Philips: Oh, no, no, no. Oh, fuck me, it's a gun to the head. How'd she get the drop on you?
- Connie Edwards: 'Cause she's like a fucking spider monkey.
- Phil Philips: Damn! She got me that way, too.
- Lt. Banning: Good work, you two. I knew you had it in you.
- Phil Philips: Oh, thanks, Lieutenant.
- Lt. Banning: Edwards, you're off suspension.
- Connie Edwards: Thanks, Lieu.
- Lt. Banning: And, Phil, I talked to the captain, and he put in a motion with the mayor's office to permanently repeal the Philips Code.
- Phil Philips: What?
- Lt. Banning: I know it's early, but... what the heck?
- [offering Phil his police shield]
- Lt. Banning: I've had this sitting in my desk, waiting for this day.
- Phil Philips: Wow.
- Connie Edwards: How about that? Far be it from me to compliment you, but you're the best damn cop I've ever seen.
- Phil Philips: Oh, well, you're no bag of shit, either.
- Connie Edwards: Well, you're a real fucking poet, aren't you? You asshole.
- Lt. Banning: You are both equally not bags of shit. In fact, when you're working together, you're two peas in a little fucked-up pod.
- Connie Edwards: [Edwards is lurking in an alleyway and two puppet hookers approach her]
- Rotten Cotton Girl: Hey, there, handsome. Are you lookin' for some rotten cotton?
- Connie Edwards: I'm a woman!
- [There's an awkward silence]
- Rotten Cotton Girl: [teasing] That's okay.