Despicable Me (2010)

Steve Carell: Gru

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Young Gru : Mom, someday, I'm going to go to the moon.

  Gru's Mom : I'm afraid you're too late, son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys anymore.

• Gru : Hello, Fred. FYI. Your dog has been leaving little bombs in my yard, and I do not appreciate it.

  Fred McDade : Oh you know dogs... they go where they want to go.

  Gru : Unless they're dead.

  [laughs] 

  Gru : I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one.

• Agnes : Will you read us a bedtime story?

  Gru : No.

  Agnes : Pretty please?

  Gru : The physical appearance of the please makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep.

• Edith : Hey, that one looks like me.

  Gru : What are you talking about? These are kittens! Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental.

• Gru : We stole the Statue of Liberty...!

  [the minions cheer] 

  Gru : ...the small one, from Las Vegas!

  [the cheers stop] 

  Gru : And I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower... also Vegas.

• Gru : Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that? She hit that. I saw that with my own eyes.

  Carnival Barker : Well, you see that little spaceship there? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, Professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Aw. Uh-oh! Somebody's got a frowny face! Ooh. Better luck next time.

  [Agnes's eyes well up with tears and she looks at Gru] 

  Gru : Okay... my turn.

  [Gru takes out a plasma gun and fires it, destroying the stand and disintegrating the spaceship] 

  Gru : Knocked over!

• Dr. Nefario : And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered.

  [shoots a minion with the fart gun, making him pass out] 

  Gru : No, no, no. I said *dart* gun, not...

  [grossed out] 

  Gru : Okay.

  Dr. Nefario : Oh, yes. 'Cause I was wondering... under what circumstances would we use this?

• Margo : Hello? Cookies for sale!

  Gru : Go away, I'm not home!

  Margo : Uh, yes, you are. I heard you.

  Gru : No, you didn't. This... is a recording.

  Margo : [scoffs]  No, it isn't.

  Gru : Yes, it is. Watch this. Leave a message. Beep!

  [Edith kicks the door, causing Gru to scream in pain] 

  Agnes : Goodbye, recorded message.

  Margo : [off-screen]  Agnes, come on!

• Gru : [Explaining why the girls can't find their book "Three Little Kittens"]  That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously...

• Edith : Are these beds made out of bombs?

  Gru : Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. But try not to toss and turn.

  Edith : Cool!

• Gru : Kyle. These are not treats. These are guests!

  [to the girls] 

  Gru : Girls, this is Kyle, my... dog.

  [Kyle growls] 

  Agnes : Ooh, fluffy doggie!

  [She runs toward Kyle, who whines and runs away; she groans in disappointment] 

  Margo : What kind of dog is that?

  Gru : He's a... I don't know.

• Gru : Uh, question. What are these?

  Dr. Nefario : A dozen boogie robots. Boogie! Look at this! Watch me.

  Gru : Cookie robots! I said cookie robots! Ah, why... why are you so... old?

• Young Gru : Look, Mom, I drew a picture of me landing on the moon.

  Gru's Mom : Eh.

  Young Gru : Look, Mom, I made a prototype of a rocket out of macaroni.

  Gru's Mom : Eh.

  Young Gru : Look, Mom, I built a real rocket based on the macaroni prototype.

  [Fires rocket] 

  Gru's Mom : [holds her breath in amazement for a moment]  ... Eh.

• Gru : [reading book]  "Three little kittens love to play. They had fun in the sun all day. Then their mother came out and said, 'Time for kittens to go to bed'."

  [looks up] 

  Gru : Wow, this is garbage. You actually like this?

• Gru : [reading the book he wrote]  One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Then three little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down. They made him laugh, they made him cry. He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he can never part from those three little kittens that changed his heart.

• Agnes : Pinkie promise?

  Gru : Oh yes, my pinkie promises.

• Gru : I went to kindergarten, I know how the alphabet works.

• Gru : Okay, bedtime.

  [the girls groan in disappointment, followed by the minions] 

  Gru : [points to Stuart and Jerry, the minions]  Not you two.

  [Jerry and Stuart cheer] 

• Gru : Assemble the minions!

• Margo : Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust?

  Edith , Agnes , Jerry the Minion , Stuart the Minion : OOOOHHHH, stuffed crust.

  Gru : I'll stuff you all in the crust!

  [Agnes giggles] 

  Agnes : You're funny!

  Gru : Just don't come out of that room again!

• Gru : Clearly we need to set some rules. Rule number one: You will not touch *anything*.

  Margo : Aha. What about the floor?

  Gru : Yes, you may touch the floor.

  Margo : What about the air?

  Gru : Yes, you may touch the air.

  Edith : What about this?

  [holds a ray gun in her hands, the laser sight aimed right at Gru] 

  Gru : [screams, holding a frying pan for protection]  Where did you get that?

  Edith : [shrugs]  Found it.

  [Gru takes it away from her] 

  Gru : Okay, rule number two: You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?

  Agnes : Does this count as annoying?

  [lets go of Margo's hand and puckers her cheeks] 

  Gru : [stops Agnes]  Very!

  [sighs, irritated] 

  Gru : I'll see you in six hours.

  [leaves the kitchen] 

  Margo : Okay, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here. Right...? Agnes?

  [She and Edith turn and see Agnes scarfing from the bowl on the floor marked "food."] 

  Agnes : [mouth full]  Mmm?

• Gru : We have located a shrink ray in a secret lab. And once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the TRUE crime of the century!

  [in a sinister tone] 

  Gru : We... are going to steal...

  [the minions pull out their weapons] 

  Gru : Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet.

  [a rocket launcher is fired and hits one of the minions] 

  Gru : Hey. Dave, listen up, please!

  [the hit minion walks over to Dave and punches him] 

  Gru : [gets on the platform as it rises up to the roof]  Next, we are going to steal... pause for effect...

  [the platform stops so that Gru is silhouetted against the moon] 

  Gru : ...THE MOON!

  [Minions cheer] 

  Gru : And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back, and I will be the greatest villain of all time! That's what I'M talking 'bout!

• Gru : [Sees Edith near his iron maiden]  No, no! Stay away from there! It's fragile!

  [the iron maiden closes with Edith inside; a red liquid leaks from underneath; Margo and Agnes gasp] 

  Gru : Well, I suppose the plan will work with two.

  Edith : [Inside the iron maiden]  Hey! It's dark in here!

  [Gru opens iron maiden; Edith is unharmed, but her juice box is punctured] 

  Edith : [Spits out a straw]  It poked a hole in my juice box.

• Gru : [to Miss Hattie]  You are a beautiful woman. Do you speak Spanish?

  Miss Hattie : Do I look like I speak Spanish?

  Gru : You have a face... Como un burro.

  Miss Hattie : Oh! Well, thank you!

• Gru : You got to be pulling on my leg!

• Gru : [Answers cell phone]  Hello, Mom. Sorry, I meant to call, but...

  Gru's Mom : I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid.

  [Gru sighs] 

  Gru's Mom : That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who's actually successful?

  [laughs] 

  Gru : Just so know, Mom. I'm about to do something. It's very very big. Very important, when you hear about it, you're going to be very proud.

  Gru's Mom : [Sarcastically laughs]  Good luck with that. Okay, I'm outta here!

• [Gru is showing Mr. Perkins his plans, using pictures on an easel] 

  Gru : I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toi-let what?

  [sees a child's drawing in his plans, of himself sitting on a toilet, signed by Edith, the girls laugh off-screen] 

  Gru : Sorry. Sorry! Could you, uh, excuse me for just one second?

• Gru : This is literature? A two year old could have written this!

• Gru : [to Agnes]  Did you brush your teeth? Let me smell. Let me smell.

  [Takes a whiff] 

  Gru : You did *not*!

• Dr. Nefario : [a minion drinks from a bottle, starts floating]  We've been working on this for a while now. It's an Anti-gravity serum.

  [the minion floats out an open skylight] 

  Dr. Nefario : I meant to close that. He'll be alright, I'm sure.

  Gru : Do the effects wear off?

  Dr. Nefario : [looking up at some minions floating on the roof]  Uh... so far, no. No, they don't.

• Gru : In terms of money, we have no money.

• [repeated line] 

  Gru : Light bulb!

• Gru : It's like my heart is a tooth, and it's got a cavity that can only be filled with children.

• Gru : [after giving Vector the moon]  Now the girls.

  Vector : Actually, I think I'll hold on to them a little while longer.

  Gru : No!

  Vector : Oh yeah! Unpredictable!

• Mr. Perkins : You don't have it? And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money?

  Gru : Apparently.

• Margo : You gave us back.

  Gru : I know, I know, and it is the worst mistake I ever made. But you have to jump now.

• [after Vector refuses to hand over the girls] 

  Gru : [leaning into the camera]  Listen close, you little punk! When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain!

  Vector : [laughing sarcastically]  Ooh, I'm really scared!

  [Gru punches the video camera, making Vector jump and fumble to hold on to the shrunken moon] 

  Agnes : [smugly]  He is gonna kick your butt.

• Gru : I hate that guy.

• Gru : So, good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. Because there are literally thousands of them.

  [whispering menacingly] 

  Gru : Oh, and there's probably something in your closet.

  [He chuckles evilly and closes the door] 

  Margo : He's just kidding, Agnes.

• Gru : [defeated by Vector]  Oh, come on!

• Gru : Mom? What are you doing here?

  Gru's Mom : [flipping through Gru's baby book with the girls]  And here he is in the bathtub. Ah, look at his little buns!

  Gru : [chagrinned]  Mom... not cool.

  Gru's Mom : And here, he's all dressed up in his Sunday best.

  Margo : He looks like a girl.

  Gru's Mom : Yes, he does. An ugly girl.

• [last lines] 

  Gru : [being led to the stage by Margo]  No, no, no, no!

• [last lines; as the girls reprise their ballet recital] 

  Gru : They're very good.

  Gru's Mom : [elbows him]  Ah, I'm so proud of you, son. You turned out to be a great parent. Just like me.

  [Gru rolls his eyes] 

  Gru's Mom : Maybe even better.

  [Gru smiles] 

• [as Gru tucks in the girls on their first night in his house] 

  Margo : Just so you know, you're never going to be my dad.

  Gru : Hmm, I think I can live with that.