[last lines]

DS James Hathaway: You know what one of the Inklings is meant to have said when Tolkien started reading them 'Lord of the Rings'?

DI Robert Lewis: Oh, spare me, Sergeant; I've had enough of imaginary worlds.

DS James Hathaway: You'll like it, sir; I promise.

DI Robert Lewis: Go on then.

DS James Hathaway: They said: "Not more flipping elves!" Except they didn't say 'flipping'.

DI Robert Lewis: [laughs] I like it. Home, James.

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent: [Shocked] It's sick!

DS James Hathaway: It's Oxford.

[examining the scene of a murder - the victim has been hit over the head with a large mirror]

Dr. Laura Hobson: The jugular vein and carotid arteries were sliced right through.

DS James Hathaway: By a piece of the mirror?

Dr. Laura Hobson: On reflection, yes.

DS James Hathaway: [groans] It's too early for jokes.

DI Robert Lewis: Titus Burkhardt? What sort of name is that?

DS James Hathaway: He was a Perennialist.

DI Robert Lewis: What do they believe in... low maintenance gardening?

Professor Rutherford: Can't drink this.

Pub Landlord: You've had a good try.

DS James Hathaway: Pint of best, please.

Professor Rutherford: I wouldn't risk the best if you value your taste buds; it's off.

Pub Landlord: It is not off, sir. It is not off!

Professor Rutherford: It is cloudier than a sad Sunday in Birmingham, and it tastes like a camel's armpit.

Professor Norman Deering: I've been thinking...

Professor Hamid Jassim: That goes with the job.

[first lines]

Dorian Crane: Try the chapter on Peacock and the Romantics.

Melanie Harding: Sure. Ah, good luck tonight.

Dorian Crane: You'll be late for your lecture, Miss Harding.

DI Robert Lewis: [Referring to the murdered girl] Do you disapprove of the way she was living?

Professor Hamid Jassim: More than you can imagine, I imagine.