Men in Black³ (2012)
Will Smith: Agent J
Photos
Quotes
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[J is held by two 1969 cops]
Agent J : Look man, I have my rights, and I demand to see a lawyer before you press the red button on that device!
[the cops neuralyze themselves]
Agent J : That was a standard grade neuralyzer, but you're not going to remember that. Keep in mind, just because you see a black man driving a car, does not mean he stole it!
[pause]
Agent J : OK, I did steal this one - but not because I'm black.
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Agent J : [sees Young Agent O] O? No, I call ladies "O." To me O is feminine, and K is masculine. You know, I see a couple, I'm like, "O-K."
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Young Agent K : Look, slick, seeing I live past this, can you tell me whether me and O...?
Agent J : A wise man told me once: don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.
Young Agent K : I said that, didn't I?
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Agent AA : J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain. Thank go for that 10-hour stakeout.
Agent J : Who are you?
Agent AA : Exactly I feel like a whole new man today. Like this great weight has been lifted. I've had these anger issues my entire life, but now I can see I was just mad at myself. And my stepmom.
Agent J : Sir, I'm gonna need you to stop talking.
Agent AA : It's like I closed this emotional window. But I threw a brick through that window, and I just want to thank you for handing me that brick, J.
Agent J : Okay, whoever you are, I'm gonna need you to give me five feet or I gonna pluck you in your throat.
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Agent J : There's no such thing as time travel.
Agent O : Well, there is.
Agent J : No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?
Agent O : Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.
Agent J : You know what? I need a pay raise.
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[from trailer]
Agent J : Hey man, heck, how old are you?
Young Agent K : Twenty-nine.
Agent J : You got some city miles on you...
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Agent J : [about to time-jump] Hey, how come I can remember K but nobody else does?
Jeffrey Price : Whoa, that means you were there!
Agent J : I was where?
Jeffrey Price : If you survive you got to come back and tell me everything okay?
Agent J : Where was I?
Jeffrey Price : You got to go! Just go, go, go!
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Young Agent K : I can see why I recruited you. You're a good man.
Agent J : What the hell happened to you, man?
Young Agent K : I told you, it hasn't happened yet...
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Young Agent K : Who are you, and what do you know?
Agent J : I'm an agent of Men in Black, but I'm from the future. We're partners, twenty-five years from now you're going to recruit me. And 14 years after, the guy you DIDN'T let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full-scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so really we need to go right now!
Young Agent K : [deadpan] All right.
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Agent J : Hey, ain't you coming?
Griffin : [falling behind] No, I'm done here. J, as soon as K blows Boris's arm off everything will be back to the way it was, K will not remember anything that happened here.
Agent J : I got it: arm blown off, history's reset. Okay, thanks G!
[goes on ahead]
Griffin : [to himself] I can never bear to watch this part...
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Agent J : I was on my way to my girlfriend's house.
Young Agent K : What's your girlfriend's name?
Agent J : Shh...
[pauses, thinking]
Agent J : Darren.
Young Agent K : Schdarren?
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[J is able to rewind time and evade Boris's attack]
Boris The Animal : It's not possible...
Agent J : Let's agree to disagree!
[knocks Boris into a jet blast]
Boris The Animal : [falling] IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
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[J meets Griffin]
Agent J : How's it going?
Griffin : How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good. Things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.
[as he speaks, the events he narrates occur]
Griffin : ...or if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.
[J stares at Griffin]
Griffin : But that depends.
Agent J : [looks for his partner] K!
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[Z's eulogy]
Agent K : I worked for Zed for over 40 years, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. Heve never asked to me to his house to watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life. Thank you.
Agent O : Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.
Agent J : That was your eulogy?
Agent K : He was a good man.
Agent O : Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms, when I told the Felucian Zyglot about Zed's passing, she said something that I'm going to repeat. And I'm paraphrasing. Ahem.
[starts screeching in an alien tongue]
Agent O : That's just so Zed.
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Boris The Animal : Hello, K.
Agent K : Boris the Animal.
Boris The Animal : [angrily] It's just Boris!
Agent K : You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is... still shot off.
Boris The Animal : Yes, my arm.
[caresses his pet]
Boris The Animal : We've thought about that moment every day for the last 40 years.
Agent K : Well, that's just not living a full life.
Boris The Animal : I can promise you it will be longer than yours.
Agent K : Lonelier, too, since you're the last Boglodite standing.
Boris The Animal : We'll see about that. But first, I wanted the pleasure of killing you...
Agent J : [arrives on the roof] Yo, K.
[Boris starts shooting spikes at J and K, who use the door that Jay came through as a shield]
Agent K : Where the hell have you been?
Agent J : Fishing!
[Boris continues shooting spikes until J and K fall off of the roof]
Boris The Animal : You don't know it, K, but you're already dead.
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Agent J : [Neuralizing another crowd of bystanders] Thank you. Okay, you know how your kid won that goldfish in that little baggie from the school fair and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house, so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flushed it down the toilet? Well, this is what happens. Okay? Y'know what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids.
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Agent J : Damn it! We had him!
Young Agent K : Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.
Agent J : First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not "son," it's not "slick," and it damn sure ain't "Cochise." And I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're running out of time, we're running out of clues and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognizing my "voicial" intensity. Oh, but there was one guy that could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we, that's no bueno.
Young Agent K : We need pie.
Agent J : What?
Young Agent K : My granddaddy always said: "If you got a problem you can't solve, it helps to get out of your head." Pie. It's good.
Agent J : Pie?
Young Agent K : Yeah.
Agent J : Your granddaddy, heavyset man?
Young Agent K : A little bit.
Agent J : Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. You know what? Now, I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie.
Young Agent K : Sounds good.
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Agent J : You're gonna lose!
Boris The Animal : Let's agree to disagree!
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Young Agent K : You said we don't talk, right? Go ahead, ask me any question. Anything you want, just as long as it doesn't have to do with the case... just let her rip.
Agent J : What's up with you and O?
Young Agent K : Me and O?
Agent J : Yeah, you and O.
Young Agent K : All right, all right... all right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He was in this British group, Rolling Stones...
Agent J : Rings a bell.
Young Agent K : We believed he's on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that's when I met O. She's smart, funny... great smile and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistler's Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave...
Agent J : What the hell happened to you, man?
Young Agent K : I don't know, it hasn't happened yet? Come on, what about you slick? In the future you got yourself a girl?
Agent J : I got you!
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Young Agent K : Why don't you come with me to Room 43 for one final enquiry: an eye exam.
Agent J : [at Room 43] That's not an eye exam... that's a big-ass neuralyzer!
Young Agent K : You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything.
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Mom : [J has gone to K's apartment] Can I help you?
Agent J : Uh... K?
Mom : 5K.
Agent J : I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk?
[Jay takes a cup of chocolate milk from the daughter and drinks it]
Little Chocolate Milk Girl : Mommy, the President is drinking my milk.
Agent J : [Handing the empty cup back] I'm sorry.
Little Chocolate Milk Girl : He didn't say please.
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[from trailer]
Young Agent K : Okay, future man, where to?
Agent J : First of all, I'm gonna need my gun.
[K gives J a pistol]
Agent J : No no no, space gun!
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Jeffrey Price : Do not lose that time device or you will be stuck in 1969! It wasn't the best time for your people. I'm just saying. It's a lot cooler, now.
Agent J : How will I know if it works?
Jeffrey Price : You'll either know or you won't.
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Agent J : Can you promise me something, if I go first, you'll do better than that at my funeral? Yeah, something like, uh: "J was a friend. Now there's a big part of me that's gone. Oh, J, all the things I should have said, except I was too old and craggy and surly and just tight. I was too tight. Now, I'm gonna just miss your caramel-brown skin."
Agent K : I'll wing something.
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Agent J : [pulled over by two police officers] How are you, officers? What can I do you for?
1969 NYPD Cop #1 : Well, look at this. Powered windows, powered seats. I'll bet you the thing costs six grand.
Agent J : Uh, yes, and it has a roof, but it's hidden.
1969 NYPD Cop #2 : Hey, what kind of work do you do? An individual of your particular... ethnic persuasion?
Agent J : Mmm.
1969 NYPD Cop #1 : Maybe he's a noted athlete.
Agent J : Mmm! Yes. Uh... Starting forward for the Detroit Darkies.
1969 NYPD Cop #1 : Where did you get the car?
1969 NYPD Cop #2 : And the suit?
Agent J : I stole them both.
[to Cop 1]
Agent J : Uh, car from your wife...
[to Cop 2]
Agent J : ... suit from your grandmother.
[while being frisked]
Agent J : Hey.
1969 NYPD Cop #1 : [finds Jay's gun] What do we have here? Concealed weapon?
Agent J : [pointing at Cop #2] Hey, it's his grandmother's suit.
1969 NYPD Cop #2 : [finds Jay's neuralyzer] What's this?
1969 NYPD Cop #1 : Probably drugs.
Agent J : Listen, I have rights, and I demand to see my lawyer before you press that small button on the side firmly!
1969 NYPD Cop #1 : Press it.
[Cop #2 presses the button, neuralyzing himself and Cop #1]
Agent J : That, gentlemen, is a standard-issue neuralyzer, but you're not gonna remember that. And just because you see a black man driving in a nice car, does not mean it's stolen!
[pauses]
Agent J : I stole that one. But not 'cause I'm black!
[jumps back into the car and drives off]
Agent J : I'll be done with the car in a minute! Just find it and take it back to the jerk at the Roosevelt Hotel.
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[heading upstairs to The Factory, J and K pass two models]
Young Agent K : For such an ungainly species, they've really thrived here on Earth.
Agent J : Yeah, I was an agent for three years before I realized all models were aliens. Found out the hard way...
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[a tasered J wakes up in 1969 MIB headquarters]
Agent J : You need to turn the electricity on that damn thing. I can't taste my fricking tongue, K.
Young Agent K : How do you know my name?
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[from trailer]
Agent J : [to K] I am getting too old for this. I can only imagine how YOU feel.
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[from trailer]
Agent J : All right, pay attention...
[neuralyzes a crowd]
Agent J : Okay. You know how you kids won the goldfish in that little baggy at the school fair, and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you flushed it down the toilet? Well, this's what happened...
[points to an alien fish towed away]
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[from trailer]
Andy Warhol : Dammit K, trying to blow my cover?
Agent J : Whoa, Andy Warhol's one of US?
Andy Warhol : Who's the dumbass?
Agent J : You know, I'd have no problem pimp-slapping the shiznit out of Andy Warhol.
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Agent J : [Neuralizing a crowd of bystanders] Okay, you know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell phone off? And you're like, "I ain't turning my cell phone off. That ain't have nothing to do with no damn airplane." Well, this is what we get. That's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellite, then blam! Just turn your damn cell phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight 'cause your GPS don't work.
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Agent K : There are things out there you don't need to know about.
Agent J : That's not the lie you told me when you recruited me!
Agent K : I promised the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
Agent J : [on phone] Well, what other secrets are there?
Agent K : Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
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Jeffrey Price : This is the real deal. Time-jump gear. Very rare, very old. But first, we gotta get high.
Agent J : Hey. No.
Jeffrey Price : No. No, I mean, really high.
[cut to the top of the Chrysler Building]
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[K handles an old cellphone]
Agent J : That's a big phone. Don't hold it up to your head!
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[about to be neuralyzed]
Agent J : K, if you see Boris tomorrow, kill him! Don't arrest him, just kill him!
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Agent J : Boris! Boris the Animal!
Boris The Animal : [lunges] IT'S JUST BORIS!
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[the Colonel guides K and J to the top of Apollo 11]
Young Agent K : Thank you, Colonel.
Colonel : [shakes K's hand] Some job you got there.
Agent J : [shakes the Colonel's hand] Thanks, man. Hey, what did Griffin show you back there?
Colonel : [smiles] He showed me how important you are. You and your partner.
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Agent J : Actually, Mr. Warhol, I gotta tell you, I really love your work!
Andy Warhol : Oh, oh thank you...
[to K]
Andy Warhol : who's the dumbass?
Agent J : Whoa! Hey, how about a little professional courtesy here?
Andy Warhol : What's that, dumbass?
Agent J : Say it again...
Andy Warhol : You want me to?
Agent J : I dare you!
Andy Warhol : Dumbass!
Young Agent K : Agents...
Agent J : You know, I don't have no problem pimp-slappin' the shiznit out of Andy Warhol!
Andy Warhol : ...Wha?
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[from trailer]
Agent J : I know what you're thinking: MIB, 3-D, we're going to be blowing stuff up and all that. But that's not really what we're doing right now. We're here for one purpose, and for one purpose only: Just to let you know that I'm about to make 3-D look good.
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[from trailer]
Agent J : Knuckles, you know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!
Hood : Who's Knuckles?
[a graffiti drawing comes to life in front of the hood]
Knuckles : Relax, punk. They're looking for me, not you!
Agent J : Crazy, right? Two grown men talking to the wall, wall talking back? It's a mess. Hey, don't even worry about it.
[flashes the neuralyzer]
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[from trailer]
Agent J : [at a costume party] Is there anybody here who is NOT an alien?
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Agent J : [to K] Look, man, promise me that if my time comes you will give me a better speech than what you did for Z...
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Agent J : You know, we been doing some pretty smart stuff over the past day or so, how about we do something stupid? Let's go get some pie!
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Agent J : [through Griffin's eyes, J and K see the last game of the 1969 World Series] So this is how you see things? This is amazing!
Griffin : It's a gigantic pain in the ass, but it has it's moments.
Agent J : Wait, this game doesn't happen 'til October.
Griffin : Oh, it's always October, November, March... so many futures, and they're all real, just don't know which one will coalesce. Until then, they're all happening. Like this one, it's my favorite moment in human history. All the things that have to converge for the Mets to win the World Series. They were in last place every single season until they won it all.
Young Agent K : You said you had a gift for us?
Griffin : That baseball, for instance, thrown for the last out of Game 5, manufactured in 1962 by the Spalding Factory of Chicopee, Massachusetts, was aerodynamically flawed, due to the horse hide being improperly tanned because Sheila, the tanner's wife, left him for a Puerto Rican golf pro that Sunday...
Agent J : [signals "time out" with his hands] Uh, the gift?
Griffin : Oh, oh, yes, of course, it's in the box. It's the surprise. To protect the Earth, it's the shield.
Agent J : Shield... Arcanan... Arc-Net! That's what you did! You put up the Arc-Net.
Young Agent K : How did I do that?
Griffin : When that ball is pitched to Davey Johnson, who only became a baseball player because his father couldn't find a football to give him for his eighth birthday - it hits his bat two micrometers too high, causing him to pop out to Cleon Jones - who would have been born Clara, a statistical typist, if his parents didn't have an extra glass of wine that night before going to bed.
[Jones catches the ball, ending the game in victory for the Mets]
Griffin : A miracle is what seems impossible but happens anyway. I lost my planet. I don't want you to lose yours. It'll take a miracle, but if you pull this off, you'll be my new favorite moment in human history. Oh, dear. I forgot to see this one coming.
[gets captured by Boris]
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Agent J : [looks at an alien fish] Ooh. You look like you come from the planet... Damn.
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[as K and J leave MiB together]
Agent X : Agent K, what's he still doing here?
Young Agent K : [referring to the neuralyzer] I might've cooked him for too long, thought I'd better walk him out.
Agent J : [in childish voice, proudly] I put my pants on.
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Agent J : You know, there's a really high possibility now that I might know some things you don't know.
Agent K : I doubt it.
Agent J : I bet I know what went on between you and O.
Agent K : She's a very fine lady, but you know the rules: there's no fraternizing among agents.
Agent J : I think y'all might have fraternized once or twice...
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Griffin : [spots a butterfly] Oh, dear. This is the one where Boris is coming through that door in twelve, eleven, ten...
[K turns to the door, drawing his weapon]
Griffin : Wait! Did you have chocolate milk this morning?
Agent J : ...Yes.
Griffin : [winces] Cindy.
[There is a sound of breaking glass, one of the models turns toward the window, and is impaled through the forehead by one of Boris's spikes]
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Agent J : [from trailer] Marco! You know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!
Graffiti artist : Who's Marco?
Marco : [the alien moves from the graffiti-laden wall] Relax, punk. They're looking for me and not you.
Agent J : Crazy, right? Two grown men, talking to the wall, wall talking back, it's a mess. But hey. Don't even worry about it.
[he neuralizes the graffiti artist]
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Agent J : I used to play a game with my dad called "catch", except I would just throw the ball and it'd hit the wall, 'cause he wasn't there.
Agent K : Don't bad mouth your old man!
Agent J : I'm not bad mouthing him, I just didn't really know him.
Agent K : [looking around the restaurant] It's not right...
Agent J : You damn right, it's not right. A little boy needs a father.
Agent K : Table 1 hasn't ordered a thing, table 3 over there just drank his 4th cup of duck sauce.
Agent O : [over the phone] K, the crashed ship from this morning was stolen from...
Agent K : LunarMax Prison, Boris the Animal.
Agent O : How did you know...?
Agent K : He always had a taste for spikey bulba. Give us a minute, will you Chief?
Agent J : We're in a situation...
Agent K : [sighs] Yeah... I'll take the chloropod, you take the taranbee and the hydronian over there, I'll take whoever is in the kitchen and meet you on the street.
Agent J : This is a very confusing time in my life.
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Young Agent : Chocolate milk, sir?
Agent J : Where you been man, it's like a hour ago!
Agent O : Wait, how long have you been craving chocolatized dairy products?
Agent J : Just today.
Agent O : Are you experiencing headaches, dizziness, loss of balance?
Agent J : [nodding] Mmm Hmm
Agent O : Agitation, depression?
Agent J : Hell yeah!
Agent O : There are only 2 possibilities, 1 is you've been bitten by the horvatian brain tick and could die in horrible agony at any moment...
Agent J : [O slaps J hard in the face] Aaaaahhh!
Agent O : Damn it... . it's not the tick!
Agent J : Damn it, it's not the tick? It's something worse than the tick?
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[from trailer]
[at the top of the Chrysler Building]
Jeffrey Price : [hands J a device] Here, take this, and all you have to do is jump.
Agent J : You want me to jump?
Jeffrey Price : Time jump!
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[at the entrance to the Factory]
Funky 60's Dude : Password?
Agent J : Hey, look, funky 60's dude, we don't have a lot of time...
Young Agent K : Janis Joplin.
[the Dude opens the door]
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Agent J : [looks at a shawarma stall] I can see something wriggling in there!
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Young Agent K : [while pursuing Boris] Hey, slick! In the future, we ever done the Texas Two-Step?
Agent J : Yes, sir!
[proceeds to distract Boris the Animal]
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[from trailer]
Young Agent K : [unfolds space bike] They have these in the future?
Agent J : That's what I'm talking about!
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Agent J : You helped Boris the Animal time jump.
[J cocks his weapon]
Jeffrey Price : Whoa, whoa, okay, I had to! That dude's a freak!
Agent J : He killed my partner! I want to know when and where you sent him.
Jeffrey Price : What, you think I keep, like, a log book?
[He glances down at the counter and winces. J looks down and flips open Jeffrey's log book]
Agent J : [reads] "Target vector: July 16, 1969."
