How does a movie like Bucky Larson get made? Here is a movie that appeals to no audience I can think of, and yet it is playing on thousands of screens. The only logical explanation I can come to for this movie's existence is that Mr. Sandler has some very incriminating photos of someone at Columbia Pictures.
Our title hero, Bucky (played by comedian Nick Swardson), is a dweeb. Not a funny one, or a likable one, but a pathetic dweeb who seems to live in his own world. Bucky hails from a small Midwest farm town, where he works as a bag boy at a grocery store, until he's fired about two minutes after the opening movie credits. He goes to a friend's house, where they decide to cheer him up by showing him a classic porno film starring a pair of legendary porn stars named Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium. Seconds into watching the film, Bucky recognizes the stars as being his parents. Rather than be horrified, he is entranced by the idea that his parents were once in movies. It's at that moment he decides that it's his destiny to be a star as well, and decides to head to California and make it in "nude movies".
Bucky arrives in Hollywood with big dreams, but seemingly little common sense, as when he auditions for a mac and cheese commercial, and immediately drops his pants and starts jerking off in front of the horrified director and casting crew. Fortunately, the director on the commercial shoot used to work in the porn business, and directs Bucky to someone who can help him. The first person Bucky meets is the porn star Dick Shadow (Stephen Dorff), who is currently the biggest thing in the movies (in more ways than one), and immediately shuns him. He's later introduced to Miles Deep (Don Johnson, looking particularly embarrassed here), a down on his luck porn director who is so desperate to make a movie, he's even willing to give Bucky a shot. The audition does not go well, as when Bucky drops his pants, his "manhood" is revealed to be literally microscopic. He also has a tendency to start screeching like a monkey whenever he sees a woman take her shirt off, and starts shooting off blasts of his "man juice" like a shotgun all over the room and ceiling.
Let me stop this plot synopsis, and ask a simple question - Does this sound like a movie you would want to see? Does it even sound like a movie to begin with? I find myself returning to my original question, how does a movie like Bucky Larson get made? It holds absolutely no laughs, its lead character is an unlikable schmuck with an overbite and not a shred of knowledge of how to behave in social situations, and there's literally no plot to speak of. Just one situation after another for Bucky to humiliate himself. As the movie dragged on for nearly 100 interminable minutes, I came to realize that the entire screenplay revolves around three basic jokes. 1:) Bucky has buck teeth and talks funny. 2:) Bucky has a small dick. 3:) Bucky orgasms instantly every time he sees a woman take her shirt off. The movie repeats these same jokes many times, as if it thinks if it repeats them enough, it will wear down our defenses, and we'll eventually start laughing.
Back to the plot - Bucky's disastrous audition winds up on the Internet, and becomes a sensation. This inspires Miles Deep to give the guy another chance, and come up with a new form of porn that is non-threatening to guys (because they know they're better than Bucky), and is reassuring to women, since they know they are sleeping with a better guy than Bucky. Somehow, this idea takes off, and Bucky becomes a major star in the porn industry. He even sweeps the porn film awards, which is hosted by Pauly Shore, who plays himself in a cameo. It also means that this is probably the worst movie Pauly Shore has ever appeared in. (And no, I'm not forgetting BioDome.) While all this is happening, Bucky also strikes up a relationship with a sweet young waitress named Kathy (Christina Ricci). Kathy seems like a bright young woman, and Ricci plays her with charm. So, why is she hanging around Bucky to begin with?
Looking back over my review, I see that I have left very little out. This literally is all there is to the movie. There's no real conflict, other than a very halfhearted falling out between Bucky and Kathy that exists solely because the movie was nearly 90 minutes old, and nothing had really happened so far. This is nothing more than a story of an insufferable schmuck who goes to Hollywood, gets a job in porn, and falls in love with a nice girl. That's all. There's a hint of a subplot concerning the jealous porn star, Dick Shadow, trying to ruin Bucky's career. But this is so unmemorable, it could be cut from the film without anyone noticing. Why did it take three people to write a movie where virtually nothing happens? A movie that's quite clearly dead.
Yes, Bucky Larson is a dead movie. It shows no signs of life or inspiration. It doesn't even have the decency to be a lively or memorable bad movie. It just sort of lies there, not doing anything, and then asks us to leave 100 minutes later. Those who know me know that I never wish ill will upon anyone, but I seriously think that a movie like this could end careers. I hope that doesn't happen. I'm sure Nick Swardson is a nice and funny guy in real life. I'm also sure he'll be apologizing for this one for a long time to come.
