The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012)

Hugh Grant: The Pirate Captain

Photos 

Quotes 

• Pirate Captain : Now listen Charles, we've all done something unforgivable. I've betrayed my pirate honor, you've betrayed science, and Mr. Bobo's betrayed the animal kingdom.

• Pirate Captain : And that's why, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula.

• [from trailer] 

  Pirate Captain : [looks at Darwin's house]  You don't get many girls, do you?

  Bobo : No. He. Doesn't.

• [from trailer] 

  Pirate Captain : Avast! I'm a pirate captain, and I'm here for your gold!

  Sailor : Gold? Afraid we don't have any gold, old man. This is a leper boat.

  [his arm falls off] 

  Sailor : See?

• [from trailer] 

  Pirate with Scarf : Can we get there?

  Pirate Captain : Yes, but unfortunately there's this dirty great sea monster in the way.

  Charles Darwin : I think they just add those on the maps for decoration.

  Pirate Captain : Is that a fact?

  [they go that way, and the monster appears and eats the ship] 

  Pirate with Scarf : See? I told you!

• Pirate Captain : Fire the long things that go bang!

• [from trailer] 

  Pirate Captain : What pirates? Nobody here but us girl scouts!

  [the crew is disguised in scout uniforms] 

  Bobo : Yeah. Right.

• Black Bellamy : Excuse me? Listen, this is all very moving, I'm welling up here. But...

  The Pirate King : Bellamy, this is most irregular!

  Black Bellamy : So is this!

  [shows everyone the newspaper says "PARDONED!", the crowd of pirates gasping in horror] 

  Black Bellamy : It seems Queen Victoria has pardoned the Pirate Captain.

  [the crowd of pirates yelling] 

  Pirate Captain : So, what if she did?

  Black Bellamy : If you've been pardoned, Then, technically: you're no longer a pirate. And if you're no longer a pirate, you really can't be Pirate of the Year. Now, can you?

  [the crowd yelling continues] 

  The Pirate King : [turns to Pirate Captain]  Is this true?

  Pirate Captain : Well, that's... That's one, frankly, rather negative way of looking at it.

  The Pirate King : Ohh! Villainous treachery! Treachery villainy!

  [turns back to Pirate Captain] 

  The Pirate King : You've betrayed the pirating fraternity!

  Pirate Captain : But, Pirate King!

  The Pirate King : Your pirate hat and coat!

  [Pirate Captain gives him the pirate, necklace and hat] 

  The Pirate King : Your pirate badge with googly eyes.

  [He gives him the pirate badge] 

  The Pirate King : And your World of Hooks discount card.

  [He gives his World of Hooks card] 

  The Pirate King : Confiscate his treasure! Every last bit of it.

  [Pirate Captain looks at them, Two pirates closes the treasure box] 

  The Pirate King : BEGONE! May your lubber shame bear down upon you! You are hereby banished from Blood Island!

  [Black Bellamy snickers] 

  The Pirate King : You are a pirate NO MORE!

• [from trailer] 

  Pirate Captain : Behind every captain, there's a crew. Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber, some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate, and some of you are fish I've just dressed up in a hat...

• [from trailer] 

  Black Bellamy : You want to be Pirate of the Year? Do they just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?

  Pirate Captain : She's not fat, she's just big-boned!

  Black Bellamy : She's fat, dude!

  [the Dodo vomits on Bellamy] 

  Black Bellamy : Dude, come on!

• Pirate Captain : Oh, sweet Neptune's briny pants!

• Queen Victoria : Do you know why I really hate pirates?

  Pirate Captain : Childhood trauma, was it? Bitten by a pirate when you were a baby? Beard envy?

• [from trailer] 

  Peg Leg Hastings : The Pirate of the Year Awards...

  Pirate Captain : Every time I've entered, I've failed to win. So, I must have a really good chance this time!

• Pirate Captain : Hell's barnacles!

• Pirate Captain : By Neptune's lips!

• Pirate Captain : Avast! I'm a pirate captain, and I'm here for your gold!

  Sailor : Gold? This is a plague boat, old man. I'd give my right arm for some gold.

  [his left arm falls off] 

  Sailor : Or my left.

• Pirate Captain : Sweet Neptune on a bike!

• Pirate Captain : Of course, a lot of people would put MY success down to my luxuriant beard. But! Do you know what I put my BEARD'S success down to?

  The Pirate King : [In a booming, concussive voice offscreen]  SHOUTING?

  Pirate Captain : Good guess, but actually no... Actually, it's all thanks... to this!

  [Holds up a brown jug labeled "Pirate Captain's Beard Gel For Luxuriant Beards"] 

  Pirate Captain : Yes! Made with real bear grease, it's my famous Pirate Captain's Beard Gel!

• Receptionist : If you're a scientist, name three elements.

  Pirate Captain : Elements. Well, let's see... there's gold... ham... and the tears of a mermaid.

• [from trailer] 

  Pirate Captain : You're the best crew a captain could wish for!

• Pirate Captain : "Added on for decoration", my foot.

• The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens : [the Pirate Captain catches the pirates arguing]  Sorry, Captain.

  The Pirate with Gout : We were just discussing, what's the best but about being a pirate?

  Pirate Captain : Oh, you *were*, were you?

  The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens : I suggested it might be the looting.

  The Pirate with Gout : Whereas I content, it's the shiny cutlasses!

  The Albino Pirate : And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases.

  Pirate Captain : Well, you're, all of you, wrong. The best part about being a pirate isn't the looting or the cutlasses. It's not the grog, or the scurvy, or the scantily clad mermaids. The best part about being a pirate is... Ham Night!

  [reveals a banner reading "IT'S HAM NITE" and everyone cheers]