10 March 2017 | lor_
Who says payola is dead?
It might be construed merely as a case of favoritism, but the 3 AVN nominations given to this inept, unfunny attempt at comedy nearly a decade ago strike me more likely due to that old Disk Jockey scandal of old called Payola. Youngsters missed the debacle, as radio stations played disks and called them "Pick Hits of the Week" not on the merits of the songs but due to payments under the table from record company and artists' reps.
B. Skow did such a terrible job here as writer/director and of course cameraman it is seemingly impossible any arm's length body would cite it as worthy of accolades like "Best Comedy" or "Best Screenplay", and Nick Manning's acting nom is preposterous, as he does his familiar "Droppin' Loads" routine even worse than before.
What we have is a bloated (161 minutes) one-joke comedy about dick size, hardly the stuff dreams are made of. I recall watching Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show" in the '70s when Burt Reynolds would parry with Carson in the form of unsubtle dick jokes, anent his then-famous appearance as a celebrity centerfold in Playgirl magazine. Skow resurrects this nonsense and doesn't have a clue how to translate material suitable for a 10- minute short into a feature.
His main gimmick is having Voodoo participate in a Big Dick contest at a bar, where drunken women and men hoot and holler at the spectacle. This is shown as a flash-forward teaser to start the feature, supposedly creating suspense like so many crappy TV shows do with their time- shifting, pointlessly artificial structure.
Main story is about 3 dim-witted golfing buddies (Voodoo, Evan Stone & Tommy Gunn) who hang out at this bar, called The 19th Hole (how original, Skow). They love to joke about dick size in the most lowbrow fashion, indicating how low Skow has targeted his Adult audience (Adult means infantile in the porn world).
Voodoo gets hit in the head by an errant tee shot while in the bushes taking a pee, and his pals revive him, noticing how tiny his pecker is. They don't sympathize but indulge for the next reel or two in the dumbest of jokes and puns, horrible to watch and not funny at all. Through prosthetics, we get to see Voodoo's plastic pecker again and it ain't pretty.
Stone hits on the idea of taking Voodoo to a hypnotist played broadly by Nick Manning to help him with his penis size issue. Nick has his lovely young assistant Meggan Mallone chloroform Voodoo, as he admits his swinging back & forth watch technique to hypnotize folks doesn't work very well. He plants the suggestion in Voodoo's mind that our hero actually has a big cock.
At this point, even this lousy material eludes Skow's grasp as a director. Way back four decades ago when Warren Beatty's hit "Heaven Can Wait" came out I was in the minority hating that film, because the issue of Warren inhabiting another (deceased) man's body was so poorly depicted -we only see Warren Beatty as both his character and the old man's character throughout the film, even though the other players supposedly are seeing the old man. Skow makes exactly the same lazy mistake here, as Voodoo starts humping Mallone and other lovely girls (including Euro superstar Claudia Rossi) and they are sucking on his real-life big dick, not the plastic one. It makes no sense and cinematically reduces the already faulty gimmick of the feature to nothingness - just vignettes of Voodoo applying his big dick to female talent. Why inject a "story" and fake comedy when Skow is merely delivering the gonzo crap that is his forte?
Mallone is a flat-chested Plain Jane actress that Skow promoted in many a Vivid feature, duly winning AVN accolades, but amounting to a nothing career. In a supporting role as Stone's wife, superstar Sunny Lane is wasted, with the director even trotting out a preposterous subplot that Stone hates having sex with her, even to the point of faking diarrhea to avoid doing performing his marital duties. Yuck, yuck!
I did enjoy seeing a sexy brunette newcomer Racquelle De Rossi (who unfortunately didn't make the Adult big time) as one of Manning's other victims, as Skow makes light of the abuse of doctors who hypnotize their female patients to have sex with them (a real-life issue). Just another negative aspect of a dreadful excuse for an Adult film.