What If (I) (2013)
Zoe Kazan: Chantry
Photos
Quotes
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Wallace : I thought a lot about something you said. About how when you realize how quickly everything can fall apart it makes you never want to give up anything good ever again. Whatever this is between us, it is good. It is so good. It is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want it to be over.
Chantry : I don't want it to be over either. I kind of wish we could invent a time machine or something.
Wallace : If we ever invent time travel, I would go back to the night we met.
Chantry : [moves in closer] You would?
Wallace : Yes.
Chantry : What would you do differently?
Wallace : [smiles] Nothing.
Chantry : [also smiles] Me too.
[They kiss]
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Chantry : And you know what? Treating it like a joke IS being an asshole.
Wallace : I'm not treating this like a joke. And I am not being an asshole. ALLAN is being an asshole and NICOLE is being an asshole, and right now, YOU'RE kinda being an asshole. Me? I'm standing here with a BRANCH! A branch that cuts down approximately ZERO percent of the windchill factor on my DICK, okay! I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag! How does that make me an asshole?
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Wallace : I don't want the sex to be too good right away.
Chantry : Mmm-hmm.
Wallace : I'm intentionally being much worse in bed than I actually am, so that it can just keep getting better and better forever.
Chantry : But like, very slowly over many, many decades, so that we hit our sexual peak in our 90s.
Wallace : That's the plan, actually... is if the last time we have sex is also the best, and that it actually kills you.
Chantry : That wouldn't be such a bad way to go.
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Chantry : I'll look if you look.
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Chantry : Hey... I need to wear something to this company dinner with our production partners in Taiwan. What do you think?
Wallace : I think that's quite a dress.
Chantry : [Whispering] Do you think it's, like, a little too slutty for me?
Wallace : [Whispering back] No. Nothing is too slutty for you.
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Dalia : It's the worst thing that's ever happened in all of history.
Chantry : Was it worse than when that meteor hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs?
Dalia : Yes. My breakup is definitely worse than a stupid meteor.
Chantry : I just can't believe that Rob cheated on you.
Dalia : With a grad student!
Chantry : No, I know!
Dalia : Her thesis is probably on how to be a rat-faced whore. And I really liked him.
Chantry : I'm so sorry.
Dalia : I liked him so much, I don't even want to sleep with his friends to get back at him. I mean, I will, but I'm not gonna enjoy it
Chantry : Do you think there might be, like, a less skanky option for rebounding?
Dalia : No. This is something you have to do.
-
Wallace : Oh, uh, you don't know how to teleport, do you?
Chantry : No
Wallace : Okay. Then I apologize for the awkward situation you're about to witness.
[Megan walks up]
Wallace : Hi. Um, sorry, Chantry, uh, this is Megan, my, urn... Well, my nothing in particular.
Chantry : Nice to meet you.
Megan : Wallace, what are you doing here? Are you sick?
Wallace : No, um, Chantry's boyfriend fell out of a window, but he's okay.
Megan : Do you want me to look in on him?
Wallace : No. That won't be necessary.
Megan : I'm gonna go. We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch. Don't get the bagel with smoked salmon, or the tuna, or anything with seafood. The company that stocks the machine has failed four inspections, but the manager's brother works for the mayor. I'm sorry, I've been on shift for 18 hours and I'm really tired. I had so much coffee, and when I saw her, I thought she was your girlfriend, and that made me want to cry. It's weird I'm saying this out loud, right?
Wallace : You are, and it is.
Megan : I just want us to be friends. Not today, but someday. Whatever he said, it wasn't black-and-white...
Chantry : He hasn't said anything about you. He's never even mentioned you.
Megan : Um... Okay, uh, it was nice to meet you. I hope your boyfriend feels better.
Chantry : Thank you.
Wallace : That was my ex-girlfriend.
Chantry : Yeah.
Wallace : Yeah
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[while making out with Dalia in a car, Wallace hallucinates Chantry watching him outside]
Chantry : Dude, my sister. Sweet score.
Wallace : Um, no, this isn't what it looks like. Well, okay. Yeah, it is. It is what it looks like.
Chantry : She's super hot. Plus, she's 99% genetically identical to me, so... Anyway, have fun making out with my sister.
[turns to leave, then turns back around]
Chantry : Um, actually, just FYI, if you do go through with this, you can be pretty much absolutely positive I will never, ever, ever, ever have sex with you ever. Bam! Ever!
-
Chantry : To be fair, um, I don't always like parties either. Awkward small talk is not my forte.
Wallace : It's "fort", actually. "Forte" is Italian, it means "forcefully", and "Fort" is French for "strength". But I still say forte too, because if you say fort everyone thinks you're getting it wrong, even though it is the correct pronunciation.
Chantry : So is that, like, your thing? Correcting people's pronunciations?
Wallace : Yeah, that's my thing.
Chantry : How's that going for you?
Wallace : I have a dead end job, I live in my sister's attic, and I basically never go out. Uh, correcting pronunciations is my old thing, actually, my new thing is oversharing.
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Allan : Oh, did you guys meet?
Wallace : Uh, kind of, yeah.
Allan : Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry, she's an animator. Chantry, this is my college roommate, Wallace.
Chantry : You're Wallace?
Wallace : Yep.
Allan : This is the first time he's been outside in, like, a year.
Chantry : Wow. Yeah, you do look pale. I just assumed you were, like, anemic or partially albino.
Wallace : It's both, actually.
Allan : He's been hibernating like an adorable little bear cub because of his broken heart.
Wallace : Stop telling people that and stroking my face.
