Amanda: I was ready to share forever with you, but did you care? No. You'd rather share it with him, and steal, steal, steal! Alan, Alan, Alan! I mean, was I just some hole for you? What does he have that I don't?

Ben: Uh, well, an indoor voice.

Ben: We all get a bag of hammers. You know what I mean? I mean, whether it's being poor, or catching cancer, divorce, losing your brother - losing your mother... You know what I mean, Kelsey? It's... Well, but the thing is th-tha... The thing IS is what you do with these hammers when you get 'em, 'cause that's what shows you what kind of a man you are, even if you're not ready to be one yet.

Alan: I don't know how you could come here every day.

Melanie: It's easy. I go to... I get up in the morning. I go to work. That's it.

Alan: So do I. That's it.

Melanie: No, what you do isn't work. It's...

Alan: Well, it pays my bills - and sometimes yours.

Wyatt: Look, you may not understand this, but this is the best thing for you, okay?

Kelsey: They wanted me.

Wyatt: They couldn't take care of you, Kelsey.

Kelsey: No one has *ever* wanted me before. But they wanted me.

Wyatt: It's not enough.

Kelsey: Yes it is!

Alan: You don't... you don't hug anyone. You hugged a ho... a hobo?

Ben: Yeah. First I gave her all my money.

Marty: It's endlessly fucked up to me that you steal cars from dead people.

Alan: They're not dead people.

Ben: Yeah, they're dead people's relatives.

Marty: I remember when you were nice boys.

Ben: What do we look like? Criminals?

Melanie: Nah. Well, looks can be deceiving.

Ben: That's precisely why we're so successful.

Melanie: You've got to be kidding me.

Alan: Says the girl who's wearing a waffle.

Melanie: Hey, Marty.

Marty: [to his buddy] This is it.

Melanie: What can I get you?

Marty: A side of you.

[shows her a ring]

Alan: [holding a condom package] Kelsey, we sat you down today because we wanted to talk to you about...

Ben: [holding a banana] ... something very important.

Alan: First of all, what happens in Penthouse doesn't happen in real life.

Ben: It never looks that good. You don't want to get a girl pregnant before your, um, in love with her.

Alan: And ready to start a life... with her.

Ben: Yes. And each time you have sex, you are risking marriage.