Private Property

I put this Hulu flick on at 1 in the afternoon while doing laundry and packing for an upcoming work trip. All I could think of while watching thus movie was Instagram "stories". I had just watched Shiloh Hernandez (even his name is Instagrammable!) in a movie on Tubi with the actress from Gone Girl and I Care A Lot. Like this, it too was a bad flick but that actress (I don't know her name, she never became an A-lister) is so great she elevates her films if given enough creative license to do her thing. I cannot believe how difficult it is to try and come up with six hundred characters to fill the gap. Cringe & thirsty.

I have seen my fair share of stinkers over the years, but this remake of private property is among the worst offenders.

Why do i think so?

For starters this is a remake, so it lacks originality, there is barely a plot recognizable, twists were so obvious, that they lacked any kind of surprise. There are some stunningly looking shots in the movie, but as any Zack Snyder film will show you, gorgeous looking shots do not rescue a movie without a plot. The main characters lack any form of chemistry.

I had the feeling, the director decided to make a film noir, but a very colorful one.

The list if producers and executive producers on this film is longer than the list of actors. Among them the leading man of this movie.

It might be worthwhile digging* up the original movie and give it a shot, but watching this one was a waste of money and time.

"Private Practice" starts out in "Sunset Boulevard" fashion, with a body in a swimming pool and a voice over. We then meet Kathryn, an aspiring actress who is married to a successful Hollywood producer. On the surface, the couple appears to be getting on, but there seems to be some deeper conflicts -- she claims she doesn't want him to help her out in getting roles, but we're not sure if that decision really came from her, she spends the day at home cleaning the house, and he seems to be lacking interest in her when he gets home. Meanwhile, she gets a phone call telling her that her gardener has been "detained" and there is a new one coming. Duke, the new gardener, shows up and the two of them start a bit of a flirtation...

"Private Practice" starts out strong and then completely falls apart. Ashley Benson makes Kathryn an engaging heroine and she makes us empathize with her and root for her, and Shiloh Hernandez plays Duke with just the right level of intrigue to make us know that there is definitely something more going on. And just when the movie hits a climactic moment, the entire film stops, shifts, and circles back in time to explain things. And what's worse, the movie then pushes its strongest asset -- Ashley Benson's Kathryn -- to the back burner in favor of other far less compelling characters. And when it finally comes back to the original flow, the movie just hurriedly rushes through its ending. And what's worse, some major events are in almost pitch darkness so we don't know what is really going on, they don't really explain the characters' motivation, and then there is a final sequence that is just a confusing mess. In addition, for an "erotic thriller" the "erotic" part is pretty scarce -- in one short scene Ashley Benson wears a bikini and the movie goes to outrageous lengths to make sure we don't actually see her in it, a couple of characters are watching her in a pool going on about how she is swimming naked but when we see her she is actually in a very conservative one-piece, etc.

"Private Practice" started out strong and I was enjoying it and was bummed out that it took such a wrong turn. A missed opportunity.

The film had some great visuals and an overall, style. I enjoyed the story structure. It felt very noir. Even Shiloh's performance was quite entertaining. He was both charming, yet creepy. His character's back story was also interesting. But the film could've dove in a bit more on his back story. Perhaps, I was just invested to know more of his motives.

The only issue I had was the lead (Ashley Benson). She was not convincing in her role; it felt very forced. In most of the films I've seen her in, she always came off exhausted. To me, she was just there - acting. The film should've cast a stronger leading lady. She should've taken acting lessons.

None have captured the spirit of how bad a film can be like this one. I literally couldn't NOt Watch because I am shocked this was made. 0/10 would never recommend not even to my worst enemy. Guantanomo Bay banned this movie because it was too evil to put on repeat.